I know I haven't gotten around to responding to your comments and I am sorry; I haven't really been on the computer much in the last 24 hours - shocking, I know! But I'd like to say thanks to all of you who offered up your opinion and advice about the decisions I was struggling with. It helped make up my mind.
I'm leaving for GJ tomorrow for three days to look around for an apartment and put my applications in at the two major hospitals and a few of the nursing homes around there. I have a Plan and if everything goes right, it could be great :).
In the US, when going to college and applying for any kind of financial aid, you HAVE to go by your parent's income until you are 23 years of age. Once you turn 23, then the amount you are awarded via Pell Grants and the like, will be based solely on your income. With how much money my dad makes a year, I am not eligible for any kind of financial assistance. To be perfectly honest, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and doesn't make logical sense when applied to the wannabe-student. But when you think about it from the government's point of view, it makes perfect sense because it is saving THEM money. They know that most late teens/early twenties don't make a lot of money and thus they would have to pay out bookoo dollars to help them get through school. However, if you make them claim their parent's income on top of your own - you stand a higher chance of not making them pay out squat. Well, congratulations goverment, you won this round.
Under my plan; however, they won't win the war... muahaha!
I turn 23 in September. There is a vocational school in GJ that accepts new students in the fall and in the spring. I can use this year to get a place of my own and get settled in, find a church, establish some new friendships and re-establish the distanced ones (from my moving home). I can get a job and put all my extra money toward getting out of debt. I did the math last night and I've got about 20 more months to pay on my car. If I put $2400 extra toward my car this year, I can have it paid off in January - before the school session starts. The program is designed to get nurses trained and out into the workforce. You don't have to do the bullcrap of two years of pre-requisites before you finally are able to start pursuing the classes relevant to your major like you do in college. You pretty much just jump right in. If you go full-time, I think the LPN is 6 months and the RN is 9 months. I'll have to check into that to be sure though. In any case, the expense and time of going through this program is half of what it would be to attend a university or state college. I'm a "get to the point" kind of gal for the most part and I think this is more suited to my personality and head smarts.
You have to be a CNA to even be considered for admission, but I've got that one down sooooo... if I study and get my brain prepped for math again... I think I have a fighting chance of getting in.
Meanwhile, I'll be getting to observe what LPN's and RN's do in a hospital or nursing home setting and will be learning, even as I draw a paycheck. A lot of places are very flexible with your schedule and will even help with tuition expenses if you agree to work for them for a certain amount of time after you graduate.
Regardless of that though, I will be getting quite a bit of training and "hands on" experience. I'll be able to set myself up a little home and, well, build myself a life and career. I'll get that feeling back of being an adult given the fact that I'll be living on my own again, re-establish my independence, and yeah... I'm just bursting with excitement in case you haven't noticed!
It feels like a well-thought out, responsible, mature, plan. At least I hope.
There's still some self-doubt here and a lot of nerves. I'm going to be putting off paying some bills and what-not to get into a place down there. Hopefully I'm only setting myself back a little bit and not digging a financial grave for myself. There's a lot that goes into a big decision like this.
The first time I moved out, it was only five blocks away from my parents. The second time I moved out, I was going to family - bouncing from place to place while I seen a little bit of the world and uh, partied... a lot. The third time I moved out I was going to college and had the security of a dorm and meals that were paid for the year. When I moved out of the dorms and into a duplex down in GJ, I was only there a few months before I moved back onto campus in an apartment with friends. So really, while I've lived alone before and been out of my parent's house - this will be the first time I'm planning on a long-term, setting up residence, actually BEING an adult instead of playing at it.
I feel like I'm taking one more big step into adulthood territory and it's kind of scary. Leaving your security and comfort zone. Maybe I'm just being silly and retarded... I don't know.
In any case, I'm anticipating that by the end of February I should have a job, a house, and be on my way toward complete self-sufficiency.
Which earns both a "yikes!" and a "yay!"
To all (three?) of my Australian Readers: I am so excited!! I was watching season 4 of The Amazing Race last night and the 11th leg of the race was in Brisbane, Australia! Your city is HUGE and completely the opposite of what I was expecting, with maybe the exception of the wide, open, space. It's beautiful, no doubt! I guess seeing the skyscrapers and large hotels and all of that was a bit of a culture shock for this small town girl. Y'all have a lot of kangaroos, too - they're so cute!! In case you're curious, the racers had to go to some famous yacht club; I'm not going to embarrass myself trying to remember how to spell it and what the exact name was given the fact that it was 3:00am while my mom and I were watching this. They also had to go to some sheep-shearing place and dig through a bunch of wool to find the next clue. Then they got to rest at the pit stop on the edge of the Carls (?) Sea - I think they said it was tropical and in the northern part of the country. Anyway, I was just really excited to see a bit of your country. LOVE the accents :) and was way impressed with how friendly everyone is down under. The racers were having to stop and ask questions everywhere and all of them were helpful and nice. If you did that in New York City, New York - you'd be more likely to get robbed, ignored, told to F*#$ off, or something along those lines. Now I REALLY can't wait until I'm rich, possibly famous for my medical skills, and able to visit Australia!
The New A has been hinting around and trying to ask me out for the last couple of days. I think he's fairly shy and every time he's about to get the words out, the phone rings or a customer comes up to the desk or SOMETHING. Maybe this is a kind of serendipity straight from fate? Last night he says, "so uh... uhm... what do you all do around here to go on dates?"
Me: A social life? Dating? What's that?
A: Well, where I'm from, we go out to the movies, or out to eat, bowling, horseback riding... you know, things like that.
Me: We did have a bowling alley for a long time, but eventually it got shut down. And horseback riding? There's an alternative way to making a girl's crotch sore.
A: *Blushing*
*Cue phone ringing*
Then he wandered off and I finished up work and left around 10:30pm.
Today he said that he didn't sleep well because he was up half the night thinking about me. It's kind of cute... but he IS 34 years old. Not married, no children, got on the pipeline for the good money and chance to travel - had never been out of Texas before now. Is hating our winter, got a tattoo on his hand when he was "young and dumb." He seems like a nice enough guy, on the shy side, but with those dark good looks that make you wonder why on earth he's shy. Thick, dark, hair, chocolate brown eyes, long eyelashes, great mouth, nice hands. I'd totally jump him except I'm currently abstinent - TRYING to be a good girl here. I don't know why I can't be among the world's population of women that are able to have guilt-free sex.
I've had sex, then I had the guilt. Then the worry and fear, and then finally the giddy relief that comes when your period starts and you can say, "thank you, GOD! I am not pregnant!" I figure you only get so many "free passes" before you wind up with an unexpected pregnancy or much worse. Best not to tempt fate - especially when my family is as fertile as we are: my sister got pregnant while on three forms of birth control, my mom got pregnant with all three of us while on birth control, yeah - for some reason, it's just not that effective with us. I want children, but I want to be READY for them first of all and I'd really like to be married too...
I don't know. I guess I just don't see the point in having meaningless sex with someone. Why not wait until you are with someone that you truly care about and vice versa? Any kind of sexual activity is ALWAYS better when there are emotional feelings involved. Although there is something to be said for "the other side" too. I guess I have some conflicting emotions about all of it. About the girl I was and the woman I am now. About my convictions based on experience and my own sex drive or appetite or whatever you want to call it.
I just got off the phone with my other best friend, Erin. We talked for quite a while and she told me that Ex-A has married his gummy granny of a girlfriend. I say this because she is missing teeth and is 14 years older than him. So much for all of his bullshit lines of "I'm just really committed to my work right now" and all the other excuses he gave. And that's the bottom freakin' line right there: they were all just EXCUSES. Just like every other "relationship" I've been in - it's not that they are married to their work or don't have time for a committed relationship. It's simply because I am not good enough. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would be proud to bring home to his parents or introduce to his friends. I'm the dirty little secret that they're attracted to but afraid to admit it to the world. So I confuse sex with genuine caring and affection and maybe the possibility of growing feelings. I substitute love for midnight lust.
Maybe that's why I am so leery of sex or intimacy of any kind with a man at this point. Maybe that's why I've shied away from all of it.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm some addict to emotional S&M.
Well, whatever the case - I think I'm going to ignore it for now until I feel more ready to tackle the root problem and deal with it. At this point, I've got too much energy and attention invested in getting my butt down to GJ, getting a job and a place to live, and all that entails.
For now, I've got fifteen minutes till I am off of work and I need to delete history/cookies and tie up loose ends. If there isn't an entry from me over the next few days, it's because I am out of town and I will update when I get back! And, of course, catch up on all of your blogs :).
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
A lil bit of everything. Surprising? Nope!
I went out of town today to Rxxxx to do some grocery shopping for my mom. She doesn't like doing it, I do, so we compromise: I do the grocery shopping and she fills up my gas tank. It's really a win-win situation. Go me!
My sister is at some posh hotel somewhere in Oklahoma City at the moment. Apparently, at the last minute, Jimmy's multi-millionaire boss decided they were going to drive to Florida as the airline wouldn't let him bring his tools. In post-911 America, who would have thunk such a thing?! Anyway, they're driving in a very big truck - the license plate number of said truck texted to me by my sister, per my request. She's with Jimmy, his boss is dating his mother - someone we've known a VERY long time, and he seemed very nice. I really don't think there's anything to worry about at all, but it seemed like a good idea anyway. Jimmy and his boss are going to be installing fiber-optic lines for something or other at the military base in Jacksonville, Florida. Ashley is way excited about getting to go onto an actual military base, taking a tour, and doing... whatever it is that you do on a military base. But I think laying out on the beach and doing all of those beach activities far eclipses it.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous. I'm glad that she gets to have a vacation, let go of her cares for a while, relax, and enjoy herself.
But you have no idea how much I want that, too.
I've been trying to remember the last time I had a vacation and I would have to say it was between 3 and 4 years ago. The most "logical" option for me taking a vacation at this point would be to go to California and stay with relatives. Which, really, that isn't my idea of a break. That is my idea of hell on earth! Don't get me wrong... I love my extended family, I just don't like them very much. Plus, I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before and be able to enjoy it by myself! I don't want to have anyone around that I know and thus have expectations on me; I want to be completely free to do whatever I feel like. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...
It would be really cool to go to Fort Bragg, California again - home to the famous Glass Beach. I got to go once when I was 19 and had decided to go travel around California. I agreed to make the four hour drive there from Oroville with my cousin Sarah - she made it sound like it was going to be just the two of us and we'd hang out at the beach all day and have a ton of fun.
Uhm... soooooo not what happened.
At that point in her life, she was still hiding her relationship with Shawnte (given the fact that my Uncle Duane - her dad - was a racist at this time) and she wanted to be able to spend the night with him and go do something without having to sneak around. I wasn't thrilled about it, but whatever, we could still go and I'd just write in my paper journal and find ways to keep myself entertained. But THEN, Shawnte took it upon himself to invite his friend Tyler. Oh, just thinking about him gets my blood to boiling all over again - I seriously HATED this guy. I have never before and never since wanted to smother someone in their sleep as badly as I did him. He was a completely rude, arrogant, ASSHOLE.
When we took this trip, I wasn't into smoking weed (and even when I was, I have NEVER been into smoking weed while driving) but they all were. Sarah, Shawnte, and Tyler lit up right after we got out of city limits. Tyler also brought his dog with him; a hideous, slobbering, pug dog. I opened my window so I could breathe and not get high, which pissed all of them off. They told me to close up the window, I refused, and Tyler made the remark that, "my dog has more class than you." Right then... it was on. I don't remember a whole lot about that trip other than being completely pissed and totally disgusted at all of them. The weed, the fact that neither Shawnte nor Tyler brought ANY money and just EXPECTED us to pay for everything - then never once said thank you... oh yeah, I was ready to kill by the time we got home. Plus, Sarah put me into the position of lying to her parents about who was with us and what we were doing which I wasn't happy about.
HOWEVER. I did get to gather up a bunch of that polished glass from the beach, I did get to write while watching the waves crashing in from the shore, and I called Teresa up so she could hear the ocean which she totally appreciated.
Needless to say: IF I do get to go again, I refuse to have a trip like that ever again. Although things would be different (I'd hope) given the fact that Sarah and Shawnte are engaged and living together, they have an eight month old baby girl, both of her parents have accepted him as their son (in-law), and that Mo-Fo, Tyler, moved to Salt Lake City with his parents the last I heard. Kind of poetic justice to my way of thinking. Porn isn't legal there and it's one of the most "religious orientated" states in the US. I hope he gets caught peddling his drugs and gets sent to prison where Bubba makes him his bitch. Is that harsh? Maybe so. But I cannot begin to explain to you how much of a nasty, spiteful, jerk this guy is.
Hmm, anyway. Got off track a bit, I think.
It's definitely time to start planning a way that I can sneak off for a week or two and get away from everything for a little bit.
I've got some big decisions coming up that need to be made and I think a little perspective might be nice.
My sister is at some posh hotel somewhere in Oklahoma City at the moment. Apparently, at the last minute, Jimmy's multi-millionaire boss decided they were going to drive to Florida as the airline wouldn't let him bring his tools. In post-911 America, who would have thunk such a thing?! Anyway, they're driving in a very big truck - the license plate number of said truck texted to me by my sister, per my request. She's with Jimmy, his boss is dating his mother - someone we've known a VERY long time, and he seemed very nice. I really don't think there's anything to worry about at all, but it seemed like a good idea anyway. Jimmy and his boss are going to be installing fiber-optic lines for something or other at the military base in Jacksonville, Florida. Ashley is way excited about getting to go onto an actual military base, taking a tour, and doing... whatever it is that you do on a military base. But I think laying out on the beach and doing all of those beach activities far eclipses it.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous. I'm glad that she gets to have a vacation, let go of her cares for a while, relax, and enjoy herself.
But you have no idea how much I want that, too.
I've been trying to remember the last time I had a vacation and I would have to say it was between 3 and 4 years ago. The most "logical" option for me taking a vacation at this point would be to go to California and stay with relatives. Which, really, that isn't my idea of a break. That is my idea of hell on earth! Don't get me wrong... I love my extended family, I just don't like them very much. Plus, I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before and be able to enjoy it by myself! I don't want to have anyone around that I know and thus have expectations on me; I want to be completely free to do whatever I feel like. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...
It would be really cool to go to Fort Bragg, California again - home to the famous Glass Beach. I got to go once when I was 19 and had decided to go travel around California. I agreed to make the four hour drive there from Oroville with my cousin Sarah - she made it sound like it was going to be just the two of us and we'd hang out at the beach all day and have a ton of fun.
Uhm... soooooo not what happened.
At that point in her life, she was still hiding her relationship with Shawnte (given the fact that my Uncle Duane - her dad - was a racist at this time) and she wanted to be able to spend the night with him and go do something without having to sneak around. I wasn't thrilled about it, but whatever, we could still go and I'd just write in my paper journal and find ways to keep myself entertained. But THEN, Shawnte took it upon himself to invite his friend Tyler. Oh, just thinking about him gets my blood to boiling all over again - I seriously HATED this guy. I have never before and never since wanted to smother someone in their sleep as badly as I did him. He was a completely rude, arrogant, ASSHOLE.
When we took this trip, I wasn't into smoking weed (and even when I was, I have NEVER been into smoking weed while driving) but they all were. Sarah, Shawnte, and Tyler lit up right after we got out of city limits. Tyler also brought his dog with him; a hideous, slobbering, pug dog. I opened my window so I could breathe and not get high, which pissed all of them off. They told me to close up the window, I refused, and Tyler made the remark that, "my dog has more class than you." Right then... it was on. I don't remember a whole lot about that trip other than being completely pissed and totally disgusted at all of them. The weed, the fact that neither Shawnte nor Tyler brought ANY money and just EXPECTED us to pay for everything - then never once said thank you... oh yeah, I was ready to kill by the time we got home. Plus, Sarah put me into the position of lying to her parents about who was with us and what we were doing which I wasn't happy about.
HOWEVER. I did get to gather up a bunch of that polished glass from the beach, I did get to write while watching the waves crashing in from the shore, and I called Teresa up so she could hear the ocean which she totally appreciated.
Needless to say: IF I do get to go again, I refuse to have a trip like that ever again. Although things would be different (I'd hope) given the fact that Sarah and Shawnte are engaged and living together, they have an eight month old baby girl, both of her parents have accepted him as their son (in-law), and that Mo-Fo, Tyler, moved to Salt Lake City with his parents the last I heard. Kind of poetic justice to my way of thinking. Porn isn't legal there and it's one of the most "religious orientated" states in the US. I hope he gets caught peddling his drugs and gets sent to prison where Bubba makes him his bitch. Is that harsh? Maybe so. But I cannot begin to explain to you how much of a nasty, spiteful, jerk this guy is.
Hmm, anyway. Got off track a bit, I think.
It's definitely time to start planning a way that I can sneak off for a week or two and get away from everything for a little bit.
I've got some big decisions coming up that need to be made and I think a little perspective might be nice.
- Do I get a job at the hospital here, stay on for 4 - 6 months, then quit, and move elsewhere to finish my schooling and all that?
- Or should I just make this a "clean break," take my income tax money and last paycheck to put up for rent on a place in GJ and get a job there?
Branching off from those decisions, there are other questions flooding my mind.
- How am I going to handle moving away from home again after being back for almost 2 years?
- Why do I feel... almost scared... to go out there on my own again? I've done this before and have never had a moment's hesitation and yet, here I am, trembling on the inside at the thought of it.
- Do I really want to move back to GJ or should I just take a leap of faith and go to Washington or Oklahoma? Those are the other two "places of interest" that I've been exploring.
- Don't I need to be here to help my sister through the "sobering up" process?
- What's the smartest, wisest, choice? How do I even know what my heart is telling me to do when everything seems like it's a great, big, swirling, ball of black!?
I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am really not looking forward to it. I can only imagine the drama and rumors that have been circulating while I've been gone. G has been calling me every night, an average of 5-6 times, with questions and I casually ask if she's heard my name mentioned lately. She just giggles nervously and says, "no" but I'm calling bullshit on that one. I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I think... I'll have to double-check the schedule. But after that, G works her normal weekend and I won't have to go back except to pick up my check. I am praying that there is no crap splatters on me by the time it's all said and done. For some reason, I'm thinking that may be wishful thinking; probably just because I know how the people are that work there. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed though!
I wonder if all those old sayings are true. Like... "if your nose keeps itching, someone is talking about you." "If someone keeps popping into your brain for no reason, that person is thinking of you." All of those old sayings.
I seen Adam the other night at the S/O when I went in to see Teresa. As he had been switched to days and it was about 10:30pm, I really wasn't expecting to see him and it kind of felt like someone punched me in the gut for a minute. My heart thudded into my stomach and my legs suddenly felt like rubber - I am blaming it on the "flight or fight" response that your body automatically has. Mostly because my first thought after, "what in the hell is HE doing here?!" was "he looks like shit and someone needs to tell him to cut his hair, it looks ridiculous." While I waited for Teresa to get her jacket, smokes, and give last minute instructions to her current trainee, I watched Adam out of the corner of my eye watching me. I met his glance briefly one time and he smiled at me, but my lips felt frozen and really couldn't do more than slightly lift in acknowledgment before I looked away.
I cried on my way home today because I remembered that from the other night. I had been trying to just push it out of my head and not think about it. But today, it all caught up to me and I just kept thinking, "how could you have done that to me? WHY would anyone do something like that?!" And of course, my thoughts had to take me down memory lane for a while but I eventually got a grip on myself and wiped away the last few stray tears. I don't know why we women cry over men - especially when they're not even worth it in the first place!
Does anyone else read Post Secret? That is seriously the first thing I do every Sunday morning is check that site. I've been considering sending one in for a really long time, but first of all, I don't have that many secrets that relate to only me. And the ones I do have, I don't talk about - even if it is anonymously. I have a TON of secrets from other people, but I wouldn't feel right exposing someone else's secret and I'm pretty sure you have to send one of your OWN in, in the first place. However, today as I was rocking out to my very loud music, singing along with the ones I knew... it hit me. This is what I need to send in:
"When I am driving by myself, I like to turn my music up and sing along... pretending that I'm an American Idol contestant."
I know, I know... I'm totally weird. But as soon as that thought hit me, I started laughing because I really do this. Complete with hearing Simon Cowell criticising me when a note goes higher or lower than I can or mess up the words. I am infamous for doing this. I tend to be singing along and then throw in lyrics from other songs and make it up if I don't know part of it. It drives my sister crazy, my mom laughs at me, and my dad just shakes his head with a small smile. I don't know if anyone has seen this commercial, but there's a new cell phone commercial out with two kids singing along to music they have on their phone. Then the one kid goes, "did they say Rock the Cat Box?" *cue both of them listening carefully* After agreeing that that is what they are singing, both of them just start rockin' out, singing, "ROCK THE CAT BOX! ROCK THE CAT BOX!" My family has dedicated that commercial to yours truly.
What can I say? I'm a total nerd.
I have not had sex in a couple of months and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to remember why I decided to become a "born again virgin." I have been having extremely sexually explicit dreams as of late - the details I'll leave out from here - which wake me up at all hours of the night. I have to open a window and get a drink of water so I can settle down enough to go back to sleep. Is this your body's way of demanding sex? Or is it simply releasing all that sexual energy that gets stored? Now I can finally understand why all my friends in high school would giggle when anyone quipped, "once you're popped, you can't stop!" And things similar to that. It's times like these when I want to kick my own ass - I waited till I was 21 - far longer than what is considered normal in today's day and age. And back in the day, I would have been married with a couple of kids by now or deemed a "spinster." So really, any way you look at it, I did pretty good. I really don't know why I didn't wait until I got married though. At least then, you can have sex whenever you want it without the fear in the back of your mind. Will the condom break? Does this guy have some kind of STD? Sure, 85% of all STD's are curable, but what about that other 15%!? Oh my God... what if I get pregnant and have to admit it was a one-night stand? What if this guy is a FREAK and he pulls out a whip? Or he's into things that are way scarier than that?
Oh yeah. The fear. That would be why I decided not to follow in the footsteps of my classmates and become a promiscuous whore, sleeping with anyone that looks my way twice.
Sigh. I guess I either need to find a serious, committed, loving, boyfriend, STAT! Or I'm just going to have to deal with the dreams. Too bad vibrators don't come with warranties!
Sorry if that's TMI for anyone.
I think I've rambled on long enough now and I need to get some sleep since I have to go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should wear the cross necklace my dad bought me for Christmas - if Karen and I get into it, I can just whip it out and press it against her forehead. End of argument. Or maybe just flick some holy water on her? Crap. That's for vampires, isn't it? Oh well, it could have been a good idea!
We need more updating, people. Do any of you have any idea how many times I blog-stalk all you a day? Hehe. Great. I guess this means I'm going to have to go read some google news or something now before I fall asleep. Hope everyone is well! :)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The Aftermath of Sister Drama
I hate getting mad. I truly, truly, do. When I get angry, one of two things happens when it's unleashed: a) I have diarrhea of the mouth and I say really, really, mean things. I go off on whomever the unlucky person may be and then later, after I've cooled off, I have horrible guilt. So then I have to go to that person, even if I was justified in being mad at them, and apologize because I feel THAT bad. Or b) I am so angry that I start crying when I try to talk about it. I get that "frog in the throat" feeling and it's hard for me to force words out.
Which is why in the past when I've gotten mad, my temper goes icy. I shut up and close everybody off because I don't want to hurt them by telling them all the mean, nasty, thoughts that are running through my head - regardless of whether or not they are true.
I think I may be getting a little bit more mature in how I handle temper. Shocking, I know!
I've discovered just in the past couple of weeks, that when you tactfully and respectfully say what is on your mind, right then and there, deal with whatever the situation is as it happens... then you don't let feelings build up. They don't keep piling and piling and making you feel like crap because you never speak your mind. When you don't do these things, it makes you angry and snappy and not very fun to be around.
I've been employing this method of dealing with things and so far, it's really been working. Once I say what is on my mind and deal with it, then I let it go and it's done. The other people involved can do or say or think whatever it is that they want to; it may still affect me in certain cases, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I've said whatever I had to say.
My sister didn't come home for a few hours today after the lunch fiasco. So when she did come home, I told her that we needed to talk. She promptly said, "no! Not right now!" I said, "yes, Ashley! Right now! You've had your way with when and where and everything else for talks the last few days, now it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say."
I was perfectly prepared to be calm and nice, but the way she snapped at me made me want to snap back a bit. What can I say? I'm only human. Needless to say, she didn't sit down, but she did put her hands on her hips, look at me, and say, "WHAT?!"
I told her that she really hurt my feelings and pissed me off today by immediately swallowing everything they said to her, hook, line, and sinker.
"You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt or ASK if any of it was true. You automatically assumed that it was and you tore into me for it. Through the last few years, all the absolute CRAP that you have done, I have stood by you. I have supported you and I've given you the benefit of the doubt no matter what my gut instincts were saying. And you couldn't even be bothered to extend that same courtesy to me today! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"
Then I started crying because I was so pissed and so hurt and well, I guess I'm just a big weenie.
She said that she was upset because what she told me about using Meth again was in confidence.
I said, "Ashley, every single person you worked with already knows that you were using! Get out of that selfish mind-set where you think that it was some big secret and it doesn't affect anyone but you. Because it affects everyone around you as well!"
I reminded her that I had told her and our mom that very night what I had said to Kathern (about how I firmly believed that partial responsibility for my sister using again was in Karen's lap) and she had known that I had talked to her about it. I told her that she had every right to expect and depend on her family's support and love. That for too long, no one has taken a stand against Karen and what she's doing - we had thought Ashley was staying clean, doing good, and that there was no issues with drugs. I said, "Sissy, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt you or embarass you or make this harder than it is. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything and if you're not going to stand for your family, then what will you stand for? In my mind, I was defending you and calling them on their shit - not breaking a confidence."
I was still bawling and shaking from the surpressed emotion finally having a release; but I noticed that her stance was different. She wasn't defensive or angry anymore. Instead, she looked like maybe she was understanding a little bit.
She apologized for assuming the worst and for her behavior. I apologized for breaking her confidence, even though that wasn't what I had meant to do.
We hugged and I just told her, "Ashley, I love you with all my heart and I would NEVER intentionally hurt you... please just know that." She said she did and that she loves me too... then left to go clean out her car.
I've passed the icy temper and part B of what I do when I get angry. But I can feel this rage just simmering inside whenever I start thinking about Karen and Kathern and everything it implies - the lies, gossip, rumors, innuendos... general pot stirring. On top of which, if Karen wants to do dope in her personal life. Well, she is a free adult and she's more than welcome to ruin her own life. But how dare she pull my sister into it and then try and start even more shit because she thinks she's been "ratted out."
To be honest, I'm a little scared to go into work because if one wrong button is pushed or one wrong look given, I'm liable to go off and tell them to take their two weeks notice and shove it up their ass.
Not a very Christian attitude to have, I know. And I'm really praying about it and trying to get it under control. It's just hard to do because every time I start thinking about it, violent thoughts come to mind. Like grabbing that skinny little bitch by the back of her hair and kicking her in the twat. The truth is coming out in bits and pieces. The more I found out, the more firmly I feel Karen helped rob my sister of the innocence of teenagehood. Not quite the level of innocence of a child; but you still have a large piece of it when you grow up in a small town and are raised the way we were. Raised to believe that most people are good and kind. There are things you should NOT be subject to as a child or as a teenager. In an ideal, perfect world, you wouldn't be. I know that's not the way it always works, but I wish that it was so. I wish your eyes didn't have to be opened to how absolutely evil people can be, to the lengths they will go to keep their secrets protected, that their trust in the goodness of humanity didn't have to be slowly removed so that you don't wind up dead by your own naivety.
Because no matter what, there is always going to be bad and evil and mean, spiteful people out there. We didn't ask for it, but we do have to deal with it.
Just for the record: I sincerely hope that no one reading this is blaming my parents for this. You cannot protect your children from everything out there - especially when that child is not being honest with you. We were all living in a world of oblivion because we didn't know. Since we do now, it's being corrected and a meeting with the owners of the Hotel & Cafe is not a far-fetched idea.
We all have choices in this world. It's amazing to me the ripple effect that one choice can make.
My brother chose to go to work that morning, March 23, 2005, as he was earning money to move to Utah and go to work for the oil fields. He was being responsible even though he didn't really want to be. And that one choice has forever changed everything. When he fell off the back of that trash truck that day and was immediately killed... it altered the course of everyone's life that loves him. It stole his life at the tender age of 18. There is not a single area of life that that one day hasn't touched. For any of us.
Ashley, for all of her bad choices, is a good girl. At 17 years of age, she lost a baby, she lost her brother/best friend, and because the love of her life was driving the trash truck that day and he literally just lost his mind for a while, she lost him too. They were going to get married after she graduated in May; just two short months away. They both had big dreams, big plans, and an even bigger love for one another. Then it was stripped away, in less than a second. My brother was 6'1 and they estimated the trash truck was backing up at 7.5 feet per second. Literally, in less than a second Matt was gone and life was changed. But Ashley's life has had the biggest impact. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and while she was doing great for about a year and a half, things close in on you. You can only run so far, so fast... and in the end, you still have to deal with yourself and the things that have happened. Ashley wasn't running fast enough so she started using drugs in an attempt to not FEEL anything.
It's not right and I don't condone the way she has handled that part of it. But I do understand. I'm hoping that anyone reading this does too, or at least tries to put themselves in her shoes and imagine what it's been like, before judging.
Her path to sobriety is going to include counseling. There are issues that have yet to be dealt with and they need to be if she's going to have a chance of staying clean. There will be ups and downs and we'll all struggle along with her. In different ways for different things, but we'll be walking alongside her. It won't be easy and there will be days that I am ready to just kick her ass I'm sure... but when it's all said and done at the end of the day. My family loves one another. We've been through hell and back as a family and as individuals. Between my brother's past of mental illness (though the psychologist said that he had outgrown it, relating the cause as getting out of puberty, there was still six years of hell there), my brother's death, the loss Ashley has had to endure, the emotional and mental abuse Ashley went through from Pete (her ex-boyfriend) after the accident when he just lost it, to helping one another with our grief... and just things that happen in life, period. The bonds that hold us together have proven strong and steadfast in the face of adversity, trials, tribulations, and the odds stacked against us.
The odds say that my parents should be divorced by now after going through everything that they have. The odds say a lot. And time and time again, we've defeated the odds, with God on our side. I have to believe that this time will be no different.
And by communicating, no matter how hard it is at times, working to control tempers, remembering to laugh and focus on all the blessings, and keeping our eyes firmly focused on God... we'll get through this too.
I think I've babbled on long enough and said probably more than I should have. Definitely more than I meant to. But this IS my journal and the only place I can be completely honest at soooo...c'est la vi.
I'm going out to Teresa's house now for tacos and a movie. I hope all of you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night depending on where you're at in the world! :)
Which is why in the past when I've gotten mad, my temper goes icy. I shut up and close everybody off because I don't want to hurt them by telling them all the mean, nasty, thoughts that are running through my head - regardless of whether or not they are true.
I think I may be getting a little bit more mature in how I handle temper. Shocking, I know!
I've discovered just in the past couple of weeks, that when you tactfully and respectfully say what is on your mind, right then and there, deal with whatever the situation is as it happens... then you don't let feelings build up. They don't keep piling and piling and making you feel like crap because you never speak your mind. When you don't do these things, it makes you angry and snappy and not very fun to be around.
I've been employing this method of dealing with things and so far, it's really been working. Once I say what is on my mind and deal with it, then I let it go and it's done. The other people involved can do or say or think whatever it is that they want to; it may still affect me in certain cases, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I've said whatever I had to say.
My sister didn't come home for a few hours today after the lunch fiasco. So when she did come home, I told her that we needed to talk. She promptly said, "no! Not right now!" I said, "yes, Ashley! Right now! You've had your way with when and where and everything else for talks the last few days, now it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say."
I was perfectly prepared to be calm and nice, but the way she snapped at me made me want to snap back a bit. What can I say? I'm only human. Needless to say, she didn't sit down, but she did put her hands on her hips, look at me, and say, "WHAT?!"
I told her that she really hurt my feelings and pissed me off today by immediately swallowing everything they said to her, hook, line, and sinker.
"You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt or ASK if any of it was true. You automatically assumed that it was and you tore into me for it. Through the last few years, all the absolute CRAP that you have done, I have stood by you. I have supported you and I've given you the benefit of the doubt no matter what my gut instincts were saying. And you couldn't even be bothered to extend that same courtesy to me today! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"
Then I started crying because I was so pissed and so hurt and well, I guess I'm just a big weenie.
She said that she was upset because what she told me about using Meth again was in confidence.
I said, "Ashley, every single person you worked with already knows that you were using! Get out of that selfish mind-set where you think that it was some big secret and it doesn't affect anyone but you. Because it affects everyone around you as well!"
I reminded her that I had told her and our mom that very night what I had said to Kathern (about how I firmly believed that partial responsibility for my sister using again was in Karen's lap) and she had known that I had talked to her about it. I told her that she had every right to expect and depend on her family's support and love. That for too long, no one has taken a stand against Karen and what she's doing - we had thought Ashley was staying clean, doing good, and that there was no issues with drugs. I said, "Sissy, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt you or embarass you or make this harder than it is. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything and if you're not going to stand for your family, then what will you stand for? In my mind, I was defending you and calling them on their shit - not breaking a confidence."
I was still bawling and shaking from the surpressed emotion finally having a release; but I noticed that her stance was different. She wasn't defensive or angry anymore. Instead, she looked like maybe she was understanding a little bit.
She apologized for assuming the worst and for her behavior. I apologized for breaking her confidence, even though that wasn't what I had meant to do.
We hugged and I just told her, "Ashley, I love you with all my heart and I would NEVER intentionally hurt you... please just know that." She said she did and that she loves me too... then left to go clean out her car.
I've passed the icy temper and part B of what I do when I get angry. But I can feel this rage just simmering inside whenever I start thinking about Karen and Kathern and everything it implies - the lies, gossip, rumors, innuendos... general pot stirring. On top of which, if Karen wants to do dope in her personal life. Well, she is a free adult and she's more than welcome to ruin her own life. But how dare she pull my sister into it and then try and start even more shit because she thinks she's been "ratted out."
To be honest, I'm a little scared to go into work because if one wrong button is pushed or one wrong look given, I'm liable to go off and tell them to take their two weeks notice and shove it up their ass.
Not a very Christian attitude to have, I know. And I'm really praying about it and trying to get it under control. It's just hard to do because every time I start thinking about it, violent thoughts come to mind. Like grabbing that skinny little bitch by the back of her hair and kicking her in the twat. The truth is coming out in bits and pieces. The more I found out, the more firmly I feel Karen helped rob my sister of the innocence of teenagehood. Not quite the level of innocence of a child; but you still have a large piece of it when you grow up in a small town and are raised the way we were. Raised to believe that most people are good and kind. There are things you should NOT be subject to as a child or as a teenager. In an ideal, perfect world, you wouldn't be. I know that's not the way it always works, but I wish that it was so. I wish your eyes didn't have to be opened to how absolutely evil people can be, to the lengths they will go to keep their secrets protected, that their trust in the goodness of humanity didn't have to be slowly removed so that you don't wind up dead by your own naivety.
Because no matter what, there is always going to be bad and evil and mean, spiteful people out there. We didn't ask for it, but we do have to deal with it.
Just for the record: I sincerely hope that no one reading this is blaming my parents for this. You cannot protect your children from everything out there - especially when that child is not being honest with you. We were all living in a world of oblivion because we didn't know. Since we do now, it's being corrected and a meeting with the owners of the Hotel & Cafe is not a far-fetched idea.
We all have choices in this world. It's amazing to me the ripple effect that one choice can make.
My brother chose to go to work that morning, March 23, 2005, as he was earning money to move to Utah and go to work for the oil fields. He was being responsible even though he didn't really want to be. And that one choice has forever changed everything. When he fell off the back of that trash truck that day and was immediately killed... it altered the course of everyone's life that loves him. It stole his life at the tender age of 18. There is not a single area of life that that one day hasn't touched. For any of us.
Ashley, for all of her bad choices, is a good girl. At 17 years of age, she lost a baby, she lost her brother/best friend, and because the love of her life was driving the trash truck that day and he literally just lost his mind for a while, she lost him too. They were going to get married after she graduated in May; just two short months away. They both had big dreams, big plans, and an even bigger love for one another. Then it was stripped away, in less than a second. My brother was 6'1 and they estimated the trash truck was backing up at 7.5 feet per second. Literally, in less than a second Matt was gone and life was changed. But Ashley's life has had the biggest impact. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and while she was doing great for about a year and a half, things close in on you. You can only run so far, so fast... and in the end, you still have to deal with yourself and the things that have happened. Ashley wasn't running fast enough so she started using drugs in an attempt to not FEEL anything.
It's not right and I don't condone the way she has handled that part of it. But I do understand. I'm hoping that anyone reading this does too, or at least tries to put themselves in her shoes and imagine what it's been like, before judging.
Her path to sobriety is going to include counseling. There are issues that have yet to be dealt with and they need to be if she's going to have a chance of staying clean. There will be ups and downs and we'll all struggle along with her. In different ways for different things, but we'll be walking alongside her. It won't be easy and there will be days that I am ready to just kick her ass I'm sure... but when it's all said and done at the end of the day. My family loves one another. We've been through hell and back as a family and as individuals. Between my brother's past of mental illness (though the psychologist said that he had outgrown it, relating the cause as getting out of puberty, there was still six years of hell there), my brother's death, the loss Ashley has had to endure, the emotional and mental abuse Ashley went through from Pete (her ex-boyfriend) after the accident when he just lost it, to helping one another with our grief... and just things that happen in life, period. The bonds that hold us together have proven strong and steadfast in the face of adversity, trials, tribulations, and the odds stacked against us.
The odds say that my parents should be divorced by now after going through everything that they have. The odds say a lot. And time and time again, we've defeated the odds, with God on our side. I have to believe that this time will be no different.
And by communicating, no matter how hard it is at times, working to control tempers, remembering to laugh and focus on all the blessings, and keeping our eyes firmly focused on God... we'll get through this too.
I think I've babbled on long enough and said probably more than I should have. Definitely more than I meant to. But this IS my journal and the only place I can be completely honest at soooo...c'est la vi.
I'm going out to Teresa's house now for tacos and a movie. I hope all of you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night depending on where you're at in the world! :)
More Drama... greattttttt!
I seriously just want to go far, far, away and somehow, have the ability to relax and forget everything except working on a tan, the warmth of the sun, how cute the cabana boy is, and how yummy the Sangri is.
Yesterday, Karen aka TweakerBoss, called my mom and started accusing my sister and I of "ratting her out." My mom was like, "Uhm, Karen... we have known for a longgggggggg time that you're a Meth-head, my girls didn't have to say a thing to us for that fact to be known." So Karen tells her how mad that makes her that she would think that and tells my mom that she's going to the hospital RIGHT NOW to get a blood test and she'll bring her the results of it! Then said "BYE!" and hung up.
Other than that, it was a pretty peaceful, lazy, day. I watched the State of the Union address in the afternoon on my computer and it put me to sleep. I wanted to gag at all the phoniness of it. I mean, really, they're all sitting (then standing and clapping) for a President that they don't support. Acting like they're hanging on to his every word - which I'm sure they were, as all the key Democrats had statements prepared almost directly after the President's speech, shooting down everything he said and criticising him. It kind of feels like the whole thing is just a big mockery and, well, it pretty much has become that.
Anyway.
Today is starting off on the same foot as the day before yesterday as far as drama goes. I knew that shit would be hitting the fan when I told Karen that I wasn't taking sides. When I made it clear to Kathern how I felt - she was told the same thing that I wrote in my journal; about how I felt part of the responsibility for Ashley using again was in her lap because of what she did.
Well, my parents and Ashley just went to the Cafe for lunch and she called me, completely pissed. I guess Karen is really up in arms, paranoid, and probably a little freaked that both of us have/are quitting and that we've seen so much. She's got all of her employees up in arms for her and I guess Kathern just told Ashley a bunch of stuff.
Apparently, I told EVERYONE at the Cafe about how Ashley came clean about her drug use. Ashley, solely, is responsible for dragging Karen down. That we've been talking so much crap about her that it's really getting around. There were many different things, but I couldn't get a whole lot between Ashley yelling and telling me how I was "ruining her life." Which just felt absolutely great!
I can't believe she's buying into the lies, gossip, and rumors that are circulating over there, caused by evil people who have hidden agendas.
I don't have the energy for this, I really don't. Ashley snapped, "we'll talk when I get home" before hanging up on me, but I don't think that's a very good idea AT ALL.
First of all, I'm really pissed over the entire situation. Secondly, when someone hangs up on me, it just infuriates me! There are few things more rude than doing that and she knows I detest it. Obviously she's already made up her mind that I'm ruining her life and causing all this drama for her and I doubt she's going to listen to what I have to say.
I do believe I'm going to go get a shower and take off for the afternoon. I don't want any ugly arguments or dramatic scenes. Normally, I'd be marching right off to the Cafe to have it all out with Kathern and anyone else that wants to throw some shit around. But I am just... over the drama of that place. It literally makes me feel sick. I'mt tired of confrontations and "talks" and drama and stress and ALL of it.
I want a vacation somewhere warm and sunny and by myself. Where there are no expectations on me, except the ones I put there. I really feel like I just need to get away for a while - but that's just not an option at this point. And since there are no black holes that can swallow me up or sand I can stick my head in, I'm just going to have to keep walkin' along and see where it leads me. If anyone ever came up with a magical formula where all you have to do is drink a teaspoon and you get a Break From Your Life - they could make a fortune on E-Bay!
Time to go get a shower and pray for patience and wisdom so I don't end up boxing my sister's ears and going off on a rampage. That really wouldn't be very pretty.
By the way, I had the weirdest dream EVER last night. I was getting married but I had red wedding dress shoes - which were flip-flops, thongs, whatever you wanna call them. And then they were left at the top of the closet and when it was time for the wedding, I was freaking out because I couldn't find my shoes. Weird, huh?
Yesterday, Karen aka TweakerBoss, called my mom and started accusing my sister and I of "ratting her out." My mom was like, "Uhm, Karen... we have known for a longgggggggg time that you're a Meth-head, my girls didn't have to say a thing to us for that fact to be known." So Karen tells her how mad that makes her that she would think that and tells my mom that she's going to the hospital RIGHT NOW to get a blood test and she'll bring her the results of it! Then said "BYE!" and hung up.
Other than that, it was a pretty peaceful, lazy, day. I watched the State of the Union address in the afternoon on my computer and it put me to sleep. I wanted to gag at all the phoniness of it. I mean, really, they're all sitting (then standing and clapping) for a President that they don't support. Acting like they're hanging on to his every word - which I'm sure they were, as all the key Democrats had statements prepared almost directly after the President's speech, shooting down everything he said and criticising him. It kind of feels like the whole thing is just a big mockery and, well, it pretty much has become that.
Anyway.
Today is starting off on the same foot as the day before yesterday as far as drama goes. I knew that shit would be hitting the fan when I told Karen that I wasn't taking sides. When I made it clear to Kathern how I felt - she was told the same thing that I wrote in my journal; about how I felt part of the responsibility for Ashley using again was in her lap because of what she did.
Well, my parents and Ashley just went to the Cafe for lunch and she called me, completely pissed. I guess Karen is really up in arms, paranoid, and probably a little freaked that both of us have/are quitting and that we've seen so much. She's got all of her employees up in arms for her and I guess Kathern just told Ashley a bunch of stuff.
Apparently, I told EVERYONE at the Cafe about how Ashley came clean about her drug use. Ashley, solely, is responsible for dragging Karen down. That we've been talking so much crap about her that it's really getting around. There were many different things, but I couldn't get a whole lot between Ashley yelling and telling me how I was "ruining her life." Which just felt absolutely great!
I can't believe she's buying into the lies, gossip, and rumors that are circulating over there, caused by evil people who have hidden agendas.
I don't have the energy for this, I really don't. Ashley snapped, "we'll talk when I get home" before hanging up on me, but I don't think that's a very good idea AT ALL.
First of all, I'm really pissed over the entire situation. Secondly, when someone hangs up on me, it just infuriates me! There are few things more rude than doing that and she knows I detest it. Obviously she's already made up her mind that I'm ruining her life and causing all this drama for her and I doubt she's going to listen to what I have to say.
I do believe I'm going to go get a shower and take off for the afternoon. I don't want any ugly arguments or dramatic scenes. Normally, I'd be marching right off to the Cafe to have it all out with Kathern and anyone else that wants to throw some shit around. But I am just... over the drama of that place. It literally makes me feel sick. I'mt tired of confrontations and "talks" and drama and stress and ALL of it.
I want a vacation somewhere warm and sunny and by myself. Where there are no expectations on me, except the ones I put there. I really feel like I just need to get away for a while - but that's just not an option at this point. And since there are no black holes that can swallow me up or sand I can stick my head in, I'm just going to have to keep walkin' along and see where it leads me. If anyone ever came up with a magical formula where all you have to do is drink a teaspoon and you get a Break From Your Life - they could make a fortune on E-Bay!
Time to go get a shower and pray for patience and wisdom so I don't end up boxing my sister's ears and going off on a rampage. That really wouldn't be very pretty.
By the way, I had the weirdest dream EVER last night. I was getting married but I had red wedding dress shoes - which were flip-flops, thongs, whatever you wanna call them. And then they were left at the top of the closet and when it was time for the wedding, I was freaking out because I couldn't find my shoes. Weird, huh?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Ready, Set, DRAMA!
Brace yourselves for a long entry, Dear Readers. Sorry - couldn't be helped.
I cannot believe the amount of absolute drama that happened today. It has seriously been one of the worst days I can remember in quite a while.
Ashley and my parents talked last night while I was at work and Ashley told me she had to talk to me today.
This morning, she told me what had been discussed last night. She told me that we had been right, she was using Meth again and that she needed help. That she's taken the first step by admitting that she has a problem and that she's sorry. She said telling me was harder than telling mom and dad. Before we started our chat, she had asked me to please not say anything until she was done talking and I had agreed. Ashley went on to tell me about a lot of different things; why she wasn't coming home, how ashamed she was, etc.
I stayed quiet until the end and then I looked her right in the eye and said, "you know I'm going to have some very hard questions for you now, don't you?" Tears were sliding silently down her cheeks and she simply said, "yes."
I asked her why it was harder for her to tell me than our parents. She said that it was because of how our relationship is right now and that she knows it's her fault and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face.
I told her that it wasn't ALL her fault; a relationship takes two people, no matter what kind it is. That there were situations I could have handled better, things I've said that I probably shouldn't have, or at least came up with a better way of saying. That up until about a week or week and a half ago, that I had been very angry with her and that I had been lashing out instead of showing her unconditional love. I didn't show her very much love, only my anger and frustration. I said that it was her fault for starting to use drugs again, but that at least she was starting to take responsibility for her actions.
I also told her that I love her with all my heart. And that I would do whatever it took to help her. But that there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do until she decided that she, and her future, were worth fighting for. That until she decided to fight for herself, no one else could do a damn thing to help. I said that there are consequences for every action, be it good or be it bad, and that one of the consequences from this is a lack of trust and that she has forgone the benefit of the doubt. I told her that I didn't understand how she could turn to drugs, when she was raised by the same people as I was. We both grew up listening to the horror stories of my parent's drug years. We both always knew that we were loved and that our parents are proud of us. That she knows the devastation Meth wreaks on not only everyone around her, but on herself and that I just. could not. understand. why.
I told her that she was going to have a long, hard, road ahead of her - both physically and mentally and emotionally. That she has her family's 110% love and support. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. However, she is going to have to earn our trust back because of all the lying - regardless of the fact that Meth makes you lie. And that she was going to have to do it with her actions, because words, in this case, don't mean anything.
Then I gave her a hug and I made sure she knew that I was glad she had told the truth and was reaching out for help. I made sure she knows how much I love her and that I'll do whatever I can to be there for her and help her through this.
It's one thing to have suspicions, gut feelings, and bits and pieces of information that seem to point to someone you love destroying themselves and their lives. It's a whole other thing to have those suspicions and gut feelings confirmed; the bits and pieces of information filled in to make a whole picture that you can see clearly.
My baby sister has a hard road ahead of her if she is going to stay clean, sober, and have her future mimic her - bright and beautiful.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know if she's going to get into a rehab program, get counseling, see a doctor. All these options were discussed with her; I don't even think she knows what to do now. All I know is that my heart is aching for her. I want so badly to reach in and tear that addiction right out of her so that it is never a problem for her again. I want so bad to ease her suffering... and yet, I feel like maybe that suffering is going to help motivate her to get clean and stay that way. The whole nine yards. I don't know if it will or won't. I also know that I'm so thankful she finally reached out and was able to have the strength and courage and confidence in her family that we wouldn't slam the door on her, so to speak.
I guess we'll just take it one day at a time, watch her carefully, and, if she needs convincing, convince her to get some kind of professional help.
I didn't tell G specifics, only told her that I was dealing with some family issues and asked if she could cover for me for an hour or so. She said it wasn't a problem as she was there packing up Kristin's apartment. Which brings me to the last 10+ hours of drama.
TweakerBoss went off her rocker based on nothing but lies, rumors, and gossip. She kicked Kristin and her husband out of the apartment in the hotel (Kristin was the night manager for the hotel and took care of the phones and those responsibilities in lieu of paying rent). She told them that she would wait for them to get back from Denver so they could pack up their apartment and move.
Instead, while they were still gone, TweakerBoss got an army of her employees and had them pack up the entire place. But it wasn't nice packing. It was throwing everything they owned into boxes and plastic bags and tossing it out into the hall. She gave two of Kristin's $60/piece fleece blankets away. Someone stole a $100+ Kenneth Cole cologne set. Her son stole the comic books from the early 90's that my psycho ex-roommate had bought for her unborn child and made the comment that he was "going to sell them on E-BAY." Her $200 worth of make-up is pretty much trashed from all the broken containers, most of her perfume bottles were broken - it's just disgusting what they did to her.
THEN TweakerBoss tells me all about it when I come into work and says that the cops aren't letting her be there tonight to avoid an altercation. So I have to deal with all of it and not let them take anything that isn't theirs. That I am to notify the police, the bail bondsman, and the assistant manager as soon as they got there. Yeah, basically I get to call the cops on my friend and watch them like they're thieving criminals. I was pretty upset about it.
But then it got worse.
TweakerBoss went home and called me from there. She wanted to make sure that I was going to call the cops because I "seem to be on their side." I said, "uhm, you know what? I'm not taking sides in this." She flips out on me on the phone telling me that "you need to remember who you're working for! You HAVE to take a side in this!" I said, "TweakerBoss, I am not going to take sides and no, I do not HAVE to do so. I will do what you asked me to do given the fact that I am an employee of this hotel, but beyond that, I am not getting involved. This is YOUR drama." She was pretty pissed when she said, "well, I guess I'll just let it slide THIS time." The conversation was ended and ten minutes later, Kathern shows up (one of the assistant managers and one of my old friends from high school).
She tells me that we "have to talk" so we went into the office and closed the door. Before she said anything I said, "let me guess, you're here and we have to talk because TweakerBoss is pissed that I won't take sides in this."
"Wellllllllll... it's about employee loyalty, Amber. We can't have you saying one thing to the cops and us telling them something else. It's a bad reflection on the hotel."
"Well, guess what? I'm doing my duty as an employee of this hotel and I am complying with what she asked me to do as it's not illegal and she is the boss. But on a personal level? Kristin is my friend and I don't turn my back on my friends just because they've fucked up or made some bad choices. I've been getting nothing but heresay, gossip, and rumors for the last few days about all of this and I don't know who or what to believe. Besides that, it's really none of my business and has nothing to do with me. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't care what has they did or didn't do. Bottom line: I'm fulfilling my obligation to this hotel and IF the cops even talk to me, I'll answer truthfully no matter what. I'm not a liar and I won't lie for any of you, no matter who it is. As far as taking sides? I'm not doing it. This is my work for now and Kristin is my friend - I'll do what I have to do for this place and then I'll do what I need to do for a friend in need. Do you understand what I am saying?"
"Wellllllllll... yeah... I'll call TweakerBoss and let her know that you weren't talking about picking sides on a work level, that it was a personal level."
"Good. Thank you. You can also let her know that my letter of resignation is on her desk."
If everyone turned their back on their friends just because they've screwed up or made some bad choices, then who in the hell would have any friends in this world? The whole thing was distasteful and foul to me - the entire situation just stunk of lies and hidden agendas. I called the police, the bail bondsman, and Kathern when they arrived - I did what I was told to do as an employee of the hotel. And then I did what I could to support a friend. And if it makes me the "arch rival" of the place and everyone is pissed at me (which that's what the majority of folks are thinking, TweakerBoss is NOT happy with me, and I doubt several others are either) then so be it - fuck all of you. You obviously don't have a clue about loyalty, friendship, and love. And all of you had better remember that what goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. Karma. Whatever you want to call it. Some day, you guys are going to be the ones down and out, with no place to go and every face you look into, an unfriendly one. And I pray that they will remember this day, what they did, how they handled it.
Ugh, I am just so upset about all of this!
Then Kristin tells me about how everyone knows that Chad (Ashley's boyfriend) and TweakerBoss are having an affair. Several things start clicking into place. Like the time Ashley pulled a double to help Chad cook as they were supposed to be very busy and he and TweakerBoss just disappear. Only to call like two hours later saying they were at the bar and wondering if they needed help. How she is always telling them "no kissing!!" and waving her finger in their faces when Ashley would give Chad a kiss at work. How TweakerBoss made a big stink and refused to let Ashley go on the Staff Christmas Party/"Ski Trip." How Chad is the one that called her, told her that "no one wanted her there" then went without her. TweakerBoss's husband did not go on that trip. Then when they all got back, all of a sudden there was no problem with Ashley anymore and everything was hunky-dory. Just a lot of things clicked.
When Ashley was told about this, she immediately got into her car and went up to confront Chad. As soon as she got home, I said, "well?" And she goes, "nope! Nothing was/is going on." I said, "uhm, sis, I'm calling bullshit - but you're the one that has to be the judge of that."
She gave my mom and I a hug, said "I love you guys, I've had enough drama for one night, and I'm going to bed."
So who knows with that?
The whole day has just been filled with stress, drama, anger, and disgust over everything that is happening to Kristin. And confusion, sadness, and a sense of helplessness, but at the same time, an odd kind of relief that the truth is out now and we can do something about it, as far as my sister goes.
I'm so drained in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, physically. I've got a headache from hell and all I really want to do is pop some headache relievers, take a hot bath, and go to bed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that stews on something until I can get it out and I feel like I'm ready to go on a rampage right now. Although it has gotten better since I've already written a short story on this, haha.
Things would be bad enough with what TweakerBoss did to Kristin. But here's the thing:
My brother passed away March 23, 2005. May 4, 2005, the high school did a special memorial assembly for him. A bunch of students had borrowed pictures of Matt and did a powerpoint presentation of his life for us. Then presented our family with the plaque they were hanging in the lobby that has his name, birth, and heaven dates on it, along with his picture. We were all up on the stage, but nobody else felt like they could talk or wanted to, so I had to accept it and give a small speech thanking everyone for what they did. Ashley and I left after that and that's when we ran into my mom's good friend, Judy. She took one look at Ashley and said, "honey... WHAT are you on?!" Ashley started crying and spilled it all, the three of us went to the house and had a sit down with my parents. Since that day, Ashley has been clean up until a couple of months ago. Yes, my sister has choices and she does have to take responsibility for them.
HOWEVER, TweakerBoss is a grown woman of 47. She knows that Ashley has had a problem with Meth in the past. This entire last year and a half, she has had her periodically going to the people she knows has it, to get her speed, coke, or meth - depending on what she wanted. I firmly feel that she is partially responsible for Ashley ending back up at square 1. Who in the fuck does she think she is asking a teenage girl with a known past addiction to score dope for her? Putting her smack dab into the red zone - where a bunch of druggies with more dope than brains - can offer it to her? CONSTANTLY. They all knew she used to do it. Not to mention the fact that when you get drugs for someone, it is considered to be a "rule of thumb" type of thing where you pinch off a bud if it's pot or lay out a line if it's something else for whoever got it for you. How many times was it offered to her before she finally just couldn't ignore the craving and she gave in? How many times can your self-control be pushed to the limit like that before you fall? One of the things you do when you get out of the drug lifestyle is to stay away from that environment. You put distance... a lot of distance... between yourself and the people you used to call friends who are still doing the crap. TweakerBoss took advantage of her authority as her boss and repeatedly put her into the position of having to get her what she wanted or facing the consequences; including termination.
Ashley felt cornered and trapped, like she didn't have a choice. Since she actually quit, she now realizes what a hold that place had on her and how stupid that choice was - she should have told her to take her dope and shove it up her ass, to get it herself. But she's still a teenager who is finding her own voice and is more vulnerable to intimidation tactics by older adults; especially when they're your damn boss!
I'm not exonerating Ashley. I'm just saying that you don't stick a wad of cash into an alcoholic's hand and push them into a bar. They may be able to fight it for a while, but eventually, that cash is going to turn into as many Jack Daniel shots as it can buy and just like that - they're hooked again. You don't stick a wad of cash into a teenage girl's hand, who is a known recovering Meth addict, and send them to get dope for you.
I'm going to do my best to be civil, polite, and professional for my last two weeks of work as I really do need the paycheck. My last day is February 5th. I've already told the owner's assistant about my decision to quit and I spelled it out for him, in no uncertain terms, exactly why I was leaving. I told him I thought it was a load of crap that the owner's knew what was going on, but were turning a blind eye to it. That it was sickening and in my eyes, they were just as guilty for Ashley using again as she is. Paul was pretty upset by the news of what TweakerBoss had been doing and he agreed with me 100% about the owners. He said he would be following in my footsteps soon. He told me that he thought it was commendable that I was taking a stand and that he thought I was doing the right thing. Then he wished me the very best of luck and left.
I had talked to him a couple months ago regarding our manager's behavior and what was going on. He had passed it on to the owners and they did NOTHING.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! The whole thing is just wrong!
In any case, I'll do my best to hold my tongue, but so help me... if she says ONE word to me about any of this and starts coming down on me for something - she is not going to like what I have to say. I am walking a very tight rope with my ability to be civil to her.
I think I'm done. At least for now.
THANK GOD I have the next three days off.
PS: As an addendum to the points made in my previous entry, let's just throw this out there. Women are obviously smarter all the way around; let's break it down into it's most basic elements. What is a man's best friend? His dog, right? Yup. What's a woman's best friend? Here's a clue if you don't know: it sparkles, costs a lot of money, and is usually the favorite choice in an engagement ring. If you picked diamond, you'd be correct. What more proof do you need? Hahahaha! (Please note that I'm merely being facetious as I heard this somewhere and thought it quite funny). Had to add this in after reading/responding to everyone's comments.
Also! My mom's doctor called back and they were able to rule out liver cancer. However, she had to go get more blood taken and if the enzymes are still high, they will have to take a biopsy of the liver to test for auto-immune diseases (not HIV), like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So both good news and some not so good news. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed and keep praying if that's what you do. Thanks!! :)
I cannot believe the amount of absolute drama that happened today. It has seriously been one of the worst days I can remember in quite a while.
Ashley and my parents talked last night while I was at work and Ashley told me she had to talk to me today.
This morning, she told me what had been discussed last night. She told me that we had been right, she was using Meth again and that she needed help. That she's taken the first step by admitting that she has a problem and that she's sorry. She said telling me was harder than telling mom and dad. Before we started our chat, she had asked me to please not say anything until she was done talking and I had agreed. Ashley went on to tell me about a lot of different things; why she wasn't coming home, how ashamed she was, etc.
I stayed quiet until the end and then I looked her right in the eye and said, "you know I'm going to have some very hard questions for you now, don't you?" Tears were sliding silently down her cheeks and she simply said, "yes."
I asked her why it was harder for her to tell me than our parents. She said that it was because of how our relationship is right now and that she knows it's her fault and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face.
I told her that it wasn't ALL her fault; a relationship takes two people, no matter what kind it is. That there were situations I could have handled better, things I've said that I probably shouldn't have, or at least came up with a better way of saying. That up until about a week or week and a half ago, that I had been very angry with her and that I had been lashing out instead of showing her unconditional love. I didn't show her very much love, only my anger and frustration. I said that it was her fault for starting to use drugs again, but that at least she was starting to take responsibility for her actions.
I also told her that I love her with all my heart. And that I would do whatever it took to help her. But that there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do until she decided that she, and her future, were worth fighting for. That until she decided to fight for herself, no one else could do a damn thing to help. I said that there are consequences for every action, be it good or be it bad, and that one of the consequences from this is a lack of trust and that she has forgone the benefit of the doubt. I told her that I didn't understand how she could turn to drugs, when she was raised by the same people as I was. We both grew up listening to the horror stories of my parent's drug years. We both always knew that we were loved and that our parents are proud of us. That she knows the devastation Meth wreaks on not only everyone around her, but on herself and that I just. could not. understand. why.
I told her that she was going to have a long, hard, road ahead of her - both physically and mentally and emotionally. That she has her family's 110% love and support. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. However, she is going to have to earn our trust back because of all the lying - regardless of the fact that Meth makes you lie. And that she was going to have to do it with her actions, because words, in this case, don't mean anything.
Then I gave her a hug and I made sure she knew that I was glad she had told the truth and was reaching out for help. I made sure she knows how much I love her and that I'll do whatever I can to be there for her and help her through this.
It's one thing to have suspicions, gut feelings, and bits and pieces of information that seem to point to someone you love destroying themselves and their lives. It's a whole other thing to have those suspicions and gut feelings confirmed; the bits and pieces of information filled in to make a whole picture that you can see clearly.
My baby sister has a hard road ahead of her if she is going to stay clean, sober, and have her future mimic her - bright and beautiful.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know if she's going to get into a rehab program, get counseling, see a doctor. All these options were discussed with her; I don't even think she knows what to do now. All I know is that my heart is aching for her. I want so badly to reach in and tear that addiction right out of her so that it is never a problem for her again. I want so bad to ease her suffering... and yet, I feel like maybe that suffering is going to help motivate her to get clean and stay that way. The whole nine yards. I don't know if it will or won't. I also know that I'm so thankful she finally reached out and was able to have the strength and courage and confidence in her family that we wouldn't slam the door on her, so to speak.
I guess we'll just take it one day at a time, watch her carefully, and, if she needs convincing, convince her to get some kind of professional help.
I didn't tell G specifics, only told her that I was dealing with some family issues and asked if she could cover for me for an hour or so. She said it wasn't a problem as she was there packing up Kristin's apartment. Which brings me to the last 10+ hours of drama.
TweakerBoss went off her rocker based on nothing but lies, rumors, and gossip. She kicked Kristin and her husband out of the apartment in the hotel (Kristin was the night manager for the hotel and took care of the phones and those responsibilities in lieu of paying rent). She told them that she would wait for them to get back from Denver so they could pack up their apartment and move.
Instead, while they were still gone, TweakerBoss got an army of her employees and had them pack up the entire place. But it wasn't nice packing. It was throwing everything they owned into boxes and plastic bags and tossing it out into the hall. She gave two of Kristin's $60/piece fleece blankets away. Someone stole a $100+ Kenneth Cole cologne set. Her son stole the comic books from the early 90's that my psycho ex-roommate had bought for her unborn child and made the comment that he was "going to sell them on E-BAY." Her $200 worth of make-up is pretty much trashed from all the broken containers, most of her perfume bottles were broken - it's just disgusting what they did to her.
THEN TweakerBoss tells me all about it when I come into work and says that the cops aren't letting her be there tonight to avoid an altercation. So I have to deal with all of it and not let them take anything that isn't theirs. That I am to notify the police, the bail bondsman, and the assistant manager as soon as they got there. Yeah, basically I get to call the cops on my friend and watch them like they're thieving criminals. I was pretty upset about it.
But then it got worse.
TweakerBoss went home and called me from there. She wanted to make sure that I was going to call the cops because I "seem to be on their side." I said, "uhm, you know what? I'm not taking sides in this." She flips out on me on the phone telling me that "you need to remember who you're working for! You HAVE to take a side in this!" I said, "TweakerBoss, I am not going to take sides and no, I do not HAVE to do so. I will do what you asked me to do given the fact that I am an employee of this hotel, but beyond that, I am not getting involved. This is YOUR drama." She was pretty pissed when she said, "well, I guess I'll just let it slide THIS time." The conversation was ended and ten minutes later, Kathern shows up (one of the assistant managers and one of my old friends from high school).
She tells me that we "have to talk" so we went into the office and closed the door. Before she said anything I said, "let me guess, you're here and we have to talk because TweakerBoss is pissed that I won't take sides in this."
"Wellllllllll... it's about employee loyalty, Amber. We can't have you saying one thing to the cops and us telling them something else. It's a bad reflection on the hotel."
"Well, guess what? I'm doing my duty as an employee of this hotel and I am complying with what she asked me to do as it's not illegal and she is the boss. But on a personal level? Kristin is my friend and I don't turn my back on my friends just because they've fucked up or made some bad choices. I've been getting nothing but heresay, gossip, and rumors for the last few days about all of this and I don't know who or what to believe. Besides that, it's really none of my business and has nothing to do with me. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't care what has they did or didn't do. Bottom line: I'm fulfilling my obligation to this hotel and IF the cops even talk to me, I'll answer truthfully no matter what. I'm not a liar and I won't lie for any of you, no matter who it is. As far as taking sides? I'm not doing it. This is my work for now and Kristin is my friend - I'll do what I have to do for this place and then I'll do what I need to do for a friend in need. Do you understand what I am saying?"
"Wellllllllll... yeah... I'll call TweakerBoss and let her know that you weren't talking about picking sides on a work level, that it was a personal level."
"Good. Thank you. You can also let her know that my letter of resignation is on her desk."
If everyone turned their back on their friends just because they've screwed up or made some bad choices, then who in the hell would have any friends in this world? The whole thing was distasteful and foul to me - the entire situation just stunk of lies and hidden agendas. I called the police, the bail bondsman, and Kathern when they arrived - I did what I was told to do as an employee of the hotel. And then I did what I could to support a friend. And if it makes me the "arch rival" of the place and everyone is pissed at me (which that's what the majority of folks are thinking, TweakerBoss is NOT happy with me, and I doubt several others are either) then so be it - fuck all of you. You obviously don't have a clue about loyalty, friendship, and love. And all of you had better remember that what goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. Karma. Whatever you want to call it. Some day, you guys are going to be the ones down and out, with no place to go and every face you look into, an unfriendly one. And I pray that they will remember this day, what they did, how they handled it.
Ugh, I am just so upset about all of this!
Then Kristin tells me about how everyone knows that Chad (Ashley's boyfriend) and TweakerBoss are having an affair. Several things start clicking into place. Like the time Ashley pulled a double to help Chad cook as they were supposed to be very busy and he and TweakerBoss just disappear. Only to call like two hours later saying they were at the bar and wondering if they needed help. How she is always telling them "no kissing!!" and waving her finger in their faces when Ashley would give Chad a kiss at work. How TweakerBoss made a big stink and refused to let Ashley go on the Staff Christmas Party/"Ski Trip." How Chad is the one that called her, told her that "no one wanted her there" then went without her. TweakerBoss's husband did not go on that trip. Then when they all got back, all of a sudden there was no problem with Ashley anymore and everything was hunky-dory. Just a lot of things clicked.
When Ashley was told about this, she immediately got into her car and went up to confront Chad. As soon as she got home, I said, "well?" And she goes, "nope! Nothing was/is going on." I said, "uhm, sis, I'm calling bullshit - but you're the one that has to be the judge of that."
She gave my mom and I a hug, said "I love you guys, I've had enough drama for one night, and I'm going to bed."
So who knows with that?
The whole day has just been filled with stress, drama, anger, and disgust over everything that is happening to Kristin. And confusion, sadness, and a sense of helplessness, but at the same time, an odd kind of relief that the truth is out now and we can do something about it, as far as my sister goes.
I'm so drained in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, physically. I've got a headache from hell and all I really want to do is pop some headache relievers, take a hot bath, and go to bed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that stews on something until I can get it out and I feel like I'm ready to go on a rampage right now. Although it has gotten better since I've already written a short story on this, haha.
Things would be bad enough with what TweakerBoss did to Kristin. But here's the thing:
My brother passed away March 23, 2005. May 4, 2005, the high school did a special memorial assembly for him. A bunch of students had borrowed pictures of Matt and did a powerpoint presentation of his life for us. Then presented our family with the plaque they were hanging in the lobby that has his name, birth, and heaven dates on it, along with his picture. We were all up on the stage, but nobody else felt like they could talk or wanted to, so I had to accept it and give a small speech thanking everyone for what they did. Ashley and I left after that and that's when we ran into my mom's good friend, Judy. She took one look at Ashley and said, "honey... WHAT are you on?!" Ashley started crying and spilled it all, the three of us went to the house and had a sit down with my parents. Since that day, Ashley has been clean up until a couple of months ago. Yes, my sister has choices and she does have to take responsibility for them.
HOWEVER, TweakerBoss is a grown woman of 47. She knows that Ashley has had a problem with Meth in the past. This entire last year and a half, she has had her periodically going to the people she knows has it, to get her speed, coke, or meth - depending on what she wanted. I firmly feel that she is partially responsible for Ashley ending back up at square 1. Who in the fuck does she think she is asking a teenage girl with a known past addiction to score dope for her? Putting her smack dab into the red zone - where a bunch of druggies with more dope than brains - can offer it to her? CONSTANTLY. They all knew she used to do it. Not to mention the fact that when you get drugs for someone, it is considered to be a "rule of thumb" type of thing where you pinch off a bud if it's pot or lay out a line if it's something else for whoever got it for you. How many times was it offered to her before she finally just couldn't ignore the craving and she gave in? How many times can your self-control be pushed to the limit like that before you fall? One of the things you do when you get out of the drug lifestyle is to stay away from that environment. You put distance... a lot of distance... between yourself and the people you used to call friends who are still doing the crap. TweakerBoss took advantage of her authority as her boss and repeatedly put her into the position of having to get her what she wanted or facing the consequences; including termination.
Ashley felt cornered and trapped, like she didn't have a choice. Since she actually quit, she now realizes what a hold that place had on her and how stupid that choice was - she should have told her to take her dope and shove it up her ass, to get it herself. But she's still a teenager who is finding her own voice and is more vulnerable to intimidation tactics by older adults; especially when they're your damn boss!
I'm not exonerating Ashley. I'm just saying that you don't stick a wad of cash into an alcoholic's hand and push them into a bar. They may be able to fight it for a while, but eventually, that cash is going to turn into as many Jack Daniel shots as it can buy and just like that - they're hooked again. You don't stick a wad of cash into a teenage girl's hand, who is a known recovering Meth addict, and send them to get dope for you.
I'm going to do my best to be civil, polite, and professional for my last two weeks of work as I really do need the paycheck. My last day is February 5th. I've already told the owner's assistant about my decision to quit and I spelled it out for him, in no uncertain terms, exactly why I was leaving. I told him I thought it was a load of crap that the owner's knew what was going on, but were turning a blind eye to it. That it was sickening and in my eyes, they were just as guilty for Ashley using again as she is. Paul was pretty upset by the news of what TweakerBoss had been doing and he agreed with me 100% about the owners. He said he would be following in my footsteps soon. He told me that he thought it was commendable that I was taking a stand and that he thought I was doing the right thing. Then he wished me the very best of luck and left.
I had talked to him a couple months ago regarding our manager's behavior and what was going on. He had passed it on to the owners and they did NOTHING.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! The whole thing is just wrong!
In any case, I'll do my best to hold my tongue, but so help me... if she says ONE word to me about any of this and starts coming down on me for something - she is not going to like what I have to say. I am walking a very tight rope with my ability to be civil to her.
I think I'm done. At least for now.
THANK GOD I have the next three days off.
PS: As an addendum to the points made in my previous entry, let's just throw this out there. Women are obviously smarter all the way around; let's break it down into it's most basic elements. What is a man's best friend? His dog, right? Yup. What's a woman's best friend? Here's a clue if you don't know: it sparkles, costs a lot of money, and is usually the favorite choice in an engagement ring. If you picked diamond, you'd be correct. What more proof do you need? Hahahaha! (Please note that I'm merely being facetious as I heard this somewhere and thought it quite funny). Had to add this in after reading/responding to everyone's comments.
Also! My mom's doctor called back and they were able to rule out liver cancer. However, she had to go get more blood taken and if the enzymes are still high, they will have to take a biopsy of the liver to test for auto-immune diseases (not HIV), like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So both good news and some not so good news. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed and keep praying if that's what you do. Thanks!! :)
Monday, January 22, 2007
I (DON'T) Want to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner!
Tonight, I got as far as I could with the packing up, labeling, and filing of the 2006 records before I ran out of supplies. I have straightened out the mess that G left for me and I was getting bored playing solitare. So I went out to visit with some of our regular hotel guests who hang out in the lobby every night and chat for hours on end. Most of them work in the oil/natural gas industry; as I've mentioned before, it's booming around here. In any case, TweakerBoss has told us that we have to socialize with them more to show our "friendliness." Pfffft!!
Just kidding. It's not that bad as long as I don't have work to catch up on and it's the regular, nice, funny, albeit very nosy, guys out there.
Anyway.
I sat out in a big, comfy, chair around the fire and was visiting with this guy named Robert. He's been living at our hotel for about three months now and he knows pretty much everything about everything. Mostly because he makes it his business to know. Normally, I don't get along all that well with these types, but he's pleasant enough and is unobtrusive about his nosiness. Well, Robert proceeds to tell me that this little cutie who is also staying there has been asking about me. Apparently he asked if I was married and Robert said, "no... but you should see her boyfriend; he's a big SOB!" When the guy immediately was all, "oh, okay" and made gestures like he was backing off, Robert started laughing and made it his duty to inform him I'm single.
I told Robert that while A (yes, another freaking "A" - that should be a big, red, flag!!) was a very nice guy, I wasn't looking to get into a relationship and even if I was, I suck at them.
Robert then proceeds to tell me, that while he's not trying to be rude and doesn't want me to be offended, that perhaps the reason I don't have good relationships is because I come off like I'm not afraid of anything, that I'm tough, and that I can handle things by your[my]self.
WHAT THE HELL?!
First of all, I'm not that tough and I handle things myself because my parents raised me to be independent, strong, and to deal with life as it comes up.
Second of all, since when is that a BAD thing!? Really, why would a guy want a girl that is all, "ooh, take care of me please because I can't do a THING for myself. Just don't break a nail while you're rescuing me, okay? *Aheeheehee*"
It's all I can do to keep from rolling my eyes right now.
I really don't know if I should be flattered, insulted, or both. I thought men wanting simpering, young, chits, went out with "bell hoop" gowns. Apparently not, though.
I'm not a bra-burning, arm pit hair growing, testosterone-seeking, extreme feminist.
I believe that we should all have the same rights. I also believe that men and women are equal, just on different levels. One is no better than the other, we're simply different. And I for one, take pride in those differences. I'd be hypocrite if I said that I didn't enjoy taking advantage of those differences at times as well.
For example. I absolutely hate checking the oil in my car and putting more in. I take it to Grease Monkey every 3000 miles for a complete oil change, but if it needs something in between, I pout prettily and ask my dad to do it. It's not that I couldn't do it. It's simply that I HATE doing it. And I dare any woman to say that she's never used the fact that she's a woman to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do or, well, to get out of something period! I can't think of one female that has never tugged on her shirt to expose a little more skin to an officer while pulled over for speeding, or used some mysterious, gynecological, excuse to have a "play day" from work. Never fluttered their eyelashes to get a guy to open a tightly closed jar of pickles so you don't ruin your fresh manicure. I'm just pulling examples out of my hat, but you get the point, right?
There's a difference in not being capable of doing something and just not wanting to do it.
*Note: To any guys that may be reading this thinking about what crap this is, spare me, please. You guys don't EVER have to give birth, you can pee anywhere you want to without problem, you will NEVER have to bleed from your "special place" for seven consecutive days, once a month, for about 40 years (give or take). And by doing these things - we're giving you the perfect opportunity to appear dashing, strong, and gallant. Plus, y'all have gotten to be "first" at pretty much everything. Walking on the moon, being president, voting, the right to own property, and most of the time - getting off during sex. So no whining! (lol)
I guess my question(s) is this: why is it considered to be a strike against you in the eyes of men to be a strong, capable, independent, woman? Why does that automatically make you suck at relationships? And do I really need to play the empty-headed fool that needs protection to attract (and keep!) a man?
If the answer is yes to the last question, then screw it! I'm turning lesbian.
I just don't get it...
*Dedicated to Phil, who loves my diatribes! :)
Boo! I see you! With, my cat-shit colored eyes as Teresa says. Hahaha - my own nerdiness totally amuses me some days...
PS: Shortest. Post. Ever! (that one is for you, Mike, hehe)
Just kidding. It's not that bad as long as I don't have work to catch up on and it's the regular, nice, funny, albeit very nosy, guys out there.
Anyway.
I sat out in a big, comfy, chair around the fire and was visiting with this guy named Robert. He's been living at our hotel for about three months now and he knows pretty much everything about everything. Mostly because he makes it his business to know. Normally, I don't get along all that well with these types, but he's pleasant enough and is unobtrusive about his nosiness. Well, Robert proceeds to tell me that this little cutie who is also staying there has been asking about me. Apparently he asked if I was married and Robert said, "no... but you should see her boyfriend; he's a big SOB!" When the guy immediately was all, "oh, okay" and made gestures like he was backing off, Robert started laughing and made it his duty to inform him I'm single.
I told Robert that while A (yes, another freaking "A" - that should be a big, red, flag!!) was a very nice guy, I wasn't looking to get into a relationship and even if I was, I suck at them.
Robert then proceeds to tell me, that while he's not trying to be rude and doesn't want me to be offended, that perhaps the reason I don't have good relationships is because I come off like I'm not afraid of anything, that I'm tough, and that I can handle things by your[my]self.
WHAT THE HELL?!
First of all, I'm not that tough and I handle things myself because my parents raised me to be independent, strong, and to deal with life as it comes up.
Second of all, since when is that a BAD thing!? Really, why would a guy want a girl that is all, "ooh, take care of me please because I can't do a THING for myself. Just don't break a nail while you're rescuing me, okay? *Aheeheehee*"
It's all I can do to keep from rolling my eyes right now.
I really don't know if I should be flattered, insulted, or both. I thought men wanting simpering, young, chits, went out with "bell hoop" gowns. Apparently not, though.
I'm not a bra-burning, arm pit hair growing, testosterone-seeking, extreme feminist.
I believe that we should all have the same rights. I also believe that men and women are equal, just on different levels. One is no better than the other, we're simply different. And I for one, take pride in those differences. I'd be hypocrite if I said that I didn't enjoy taking advantage of those differences at times as well.
For example. I absolutely hate checking the oil in my car and putting more in. I take it to Grease Monkey every 3000 miles for a complete oil change, but if it needs something in between, I pout prettily and ask my dad to do it. It's not that I couldn't do it. It's simply that I HATE doing it. And I dare any woman to say that she's never used the fact that she's a woman to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do or, well, to get out of something period! I can't think of one female that has never tugged on her shirt to expose a little more skin to an officer while pulled over for speeding, or used some mysterious, gynecological, excuse to have a "play day" from work. Never fluttered their eyelashes to get a guy to open a tightly closed jar of pickles so you don't ruin your fresh manicure. I'm just pulling examples out of my hat, but you get the point, right?
There's a difference in not being capable of doing something and just not wanting to do it.
*Note: To any guys that may be reading this thinking about what crap this is, spare me, please. You guys don't EVER have to give birth, you can pee anywhere you want to without problem, you will NEVER have to bleed from your "special place" for seven consecutive days, once a month, for about 40 years (give or take). And by doing these things - we're giving you the perfect opportunity to appear dashing, strong, and gallant. Plus, y'all have gotten to be "first" at pretty much everything. Walking on the moon, being president, voting, the right to own property, and most of the time - getting off during sex. So no whining! (lol)
I guess my question(s) is this: why is it considered to be a strike against you in the eyes of men to be a strong, capable, independent, woman? Why does that automatically make you suck at relationships? And do I really need to play the empty-headed fool that needs protection to attract (and keep!) a man?
If the answer is yes to the last question, then screw it! I'm turning lesbian.
I just don't get it...
*Dedicated to Phil, who loves my diatribes! :)
Boo! I see you! With, my cat-shit colored eyes as Teresa says. Hahaha - my own nerdiness totally amuses me some days...
PS: Shortest. Post. Ever! (that one is for you, Mike, hehe)
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Another Decision, 2007
I made the decision tonight that I'm turning my two weeks notice in at the Hotel. I was going to try and "hang in there" until I moved to GJ, but I just can't handle the drama any more. The petty cat fights where people try to force everyone onto "their" side, the drugs, the drunken outbursts, the physical violence. I am so disgusted by all of it. Really, how obnoxious can one group of people be?! Not only that, but I am now an MA/CNA - licensed and educated to work in the medical field, even if it is at the entry level. I'll get a few months experience and when I move to GJ, at least it won't be the first time I've worked in the medical field.
I didn't think I'd like working with the elderly. I didn't think I'd have the patience or know how to communicate well with them, set them at ease while performing personal duties for them, etc. But I surprised myself with how comfortable I was and how naturally it all came. I'm not "being conceited" but Brea gave me one of the best compliments when, one day while doing our rounds together, she remarked that, "I am learning so much just by watching you! You are great with the residents and the patients in the hospital." It made my day the day she said it and every time I've thought about it since. I have wanted to be a nurse for a very long time and I've got my foot in the door now - why not walk through it? There's nothing stopping me. I busted my ass in order to unlock that door. Now it's no longer closed and I've put it off for a few weeks now... so no more.
It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I made the decision to just do it.
That's all I really have for right now. My brain is not functioning much at the moment as I had a 10 hour shift today. And had to sort out the absolute MESS that my co-worker, G, left. While everyone else has switched to the computer system I set up, she decided to completely ignore it for the last four days and use the paper system.
There were reservations not put into the computer, payments taken that were't recorded in their record, no invoices were printed whatsoever. It was ridiculous. Then there was a HUGE box of filing that hadn't been done so I had to get all of that taken care of. TweakerBoss has to get all the 2006 receipts/invoices/etc. filed away to open it up for all the stuff in 2007. G didn't touch it. Then she locked the office door knowing full well that the Cafe is closed on Sundays and the Assistant Manager wouldn't be in at 5:30am to unlock it for us. Nobody else has keys. Said Assistant Manager who has a drinking problem was so hungover that she refused to answer her phone. So Kristin had to go beat on her door to get the keys so that we could get into the office to, you know, WORK! I swear, G does not have an ounce of common sense. And it has been an exercise in patience to try and train her the last few weeks. Today was proof that she's STILL not getting it. Part of me feels sorry for her as I know it has to be difficult to be a slow learner and feel out of her element. The other part of me wants to wring her neck for how much extra work she is causing for me and shake her so that something clicks in her brain. I know that's really mean. Guess it's a good thing that two weeks from tomorrow, it's no longer my problem! Weeeeeeee!
/bitch fest
Anyway, I think I'm going to catch the news and then go to bed. I don't have to go to work till 2pm tomorrow (thank God) but I'm really tired. It was a busy weekend and for some reason, I've been struggling with insomnia as of late and haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights. Missed church today, too, which really sucks. There were missionaries from the Philippines today and I guess they gave a wonderful presentation. But my dad did bring home all the information needed in order to go on a missions trip there this summer. Total cost that covers everything except spending money and your passport is $2300 dollars. I really want to go, but I don't see how I'm going to come up with that much money in a few short months, plus have enough to cover the loss of wages for the week I'd be gone. Damn car payment and bills! I cannot WAIT to be debt-free! I'm slowly but surely working on it, so yay!
Okay, I'm done for now. Really. :)
I didn't think I'd like working with the elderly. I didn't think I'd have the patience or know how to communicate well with them, set them at ease while performing personal duties for them, etc. But I surprised myself with how comfortable I was and how naturally it all came. I'm not "being conceited" but Brea gave me one of the best compliments when, one day while doing our rounds together, she remarked that, "I am learning so much just by watching you! You are great with the residents and the patients in the hospital." It made my day the day she said it and every time I've thought about it since. I have wanted to be a nurse for a very long time and I've got my foot in the door now - why not walk through it? There's nothing stopping me. I busted my ass in order to unlock that door. Now it's no longer closed and I've put it off for a few weeks now... so no more.
It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I made the decision to just do it.
That's all I really have for right now. My brain is not functioning much at the moment as I had a 10 hour shift today. And had to sort out the absolute MESS that my co-worker, G, left. While everyone else has switched to the computer system I set up, she decided to completely ignore it for the last four days and use the paper system.
There were reservations not put into the computer, payments taken that were't recorded in their record, no invoices were printed whatsoever. It was ridiculous. Then there was a HUGE box of filing that hadn't been done so I had to get all of that taken care of. TweakerBoss has to get all the 2006 receipts/invoices/etc. filed away to open it up for all the stuff in 2007. G didn't touch it. Then she locked the office door knowing full well that the Cafe is closed on Sundays and the Assistant Manager wouldn't be in at 5:30am to unlock it for us. Nobody else has keys. Said Assistant Manager who has a drinking problem was so hungover that she refused to answer her phone. So Kristin had to go beat on her door to get the keys so that we could get into the office to, you know, WORK! I swear, G does not have an ounce of common sense. And it has been an exercise in patience to try and train her the last few weeks. Today was proof that she's STILL not getting it. Part of me feels sorry for her as I know it has to be difficult to be a slow learner and feel out of her element. The other part of me wants to wring her neck for how much extra work she is causing for me and shake her so that something clicks in her brain. I know that's really mean. Guess it's a good thing that two weeks from tomorrow, it's no longer my problem! Weeeeeeee!
/bitch fest
Anyway, I think I'm going to catch the news and then go to bed. I don't have to go to work till 2pm tomorrow (thank God) but I'm really tired. It was a busy weekend and for some reason, I've been struggling with insomnia as of late and haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights. Missed church today, too, which really sucks. There were missionaries from the Philippines today and I guess they gave a wonderful presentation. But my dad did bring home all the information needed in order to go on a missions trip there this summer. Total cost that covers everything except spending money and your passport is $2300 dollars. I really want to go, but I don't see how I'm going to come up with that much money in a few short months, plus have enough to cover the loss of wages for the week I'd be gone. Damn car payment and bills! I cannot WAIT to be debt-free! I'm slowly but surely working on it, so yay!
Okay, I'm done for now. Really. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
