Back Again, Part II

Oh wow! What an incredibly busy last few days it has been!

I've missed my bed, my pillows, the stupid cat that curls up on my chest and tucks it's head against mine, purring herself to sleep, while I, myself, am trying to catch some shut-eye. I've missed my INTERNET and the ability to blog whenever I feel like it about random crap. And I've missed my family, although it's not as bad as I thought it would be when I first decided to get a job in GJ.

Last night was my first night on the actual floor, taking care of residents, and learning the routine of the place. There are some highs and some definite, definite, lows! The toileting and all that wasn't too bad, although it can get pretty stinky. But nothing, nothing, NOTHING, will EVER beat the raunchiest, nastiest, stench I have ever had the misfortune of smelling - that of "burping" a colostomy bag.

For those of you that don't know, a colostomy bag is a what is placed over a surgical incision in the stomach after some re-routing has been done, when people cannot poop out of their anus anymore. They basically crap through their stomach. This bag fills with stool and intestinal gases; the gases inflate the bag and it has to been routinely "burped." This is accomplished by lifting the snap connecting the bag to the base. The air that comes out of there, wooshes into your face and to be honest, my stomach is churning again just thinking about it. The lead CNA, my trainer, anticipated this and moved to the opposite side of the bag before telling me to snap it open, which I did. She must have been expecting my reaction because as she was laughing, watching me turn green, she told me to "GO!" - which I was already doing. I had to run into the hall and puke in the trash can...

Other than that; however, things went really good. It's going to take time to learn each of the resident's individual needs and learn who they are - not just the names and room numbers, although that will take some time as well. Once I learn the latter part of that, charting will be quite simple - the program they use is easy to master but you do have to know certain things about each resident. Getting my own routine will come with time, as well as getting used to being on my feet for 12+ hours.

I'm definitely a hurtin' unit today, physically... which I was told will last about two months. But I feel like a part of me is being fulfilled now that I'm finally in the line of work that I've always wanted to be in. I still have some insecurities and concerns, but I think they will fade with time. And after going back through the night (with the exception of the puking incident) in an objective mind frame... it hit me that I AM going to be a great CNA. The other people who have told me this weren't just blowing smoke up my butt. I really do have a way with these people and I found myself getting irritated with the trainer because she... doesn't have as much compassion and patience as she should with some of them. I don't know. I really liked her and I definitely am learning some handy "tricks of the trade" from her, so I don't want to bad-talk her or anything... I just know I'm going to be handling some things differently I guess.

I HAVE to find a place of my own down there and soon, too. Right now, that is probably my biggest stress/concern. It took me a little over two hours to get home today.

I got up yesterday at 4pm, got a shower, yadah, yadah, and was at work by quarter till 6pm. Worked until 6:30am, dropped my aunt's stethoscope off at her house, and hit the road. The 45 minute drive from GJ to Rxxxx is a massive blur in my mind, even now. I remember jerking a few times and I knew I had started to fall asleep which scared the ever-lovin' shit out of me. I know I was swerving around the road a bit and when cars got too close to me, it made me really nervous. I stopped in Rxxxx to get some breakfast and caffeine which did the trick. The last hour I didn't have any problems staying awake... but the first half of my trip has really made me nervous. I think I might email my father and ask him for some help to get into a place of my own. I really don't want to, but I can pay him back the loan and I'd rather dump my pride and ask for help, then wind up in a car accident that may have serious consequences. It's become more of a safety issue, than an independence one at this point. The start-up costs are what is hard but if I can just get ahead of the game there, I'll be fine with managing my bills and paying back a loan for the deposit as I'll have first month's rent with this upcoming check. Ack! The stress of this matter is the only "down" side I'm really having at this point.

Anyway, I do believe I'm going to enjoy working at this place. Like any place, they have their issues and things that need to be better, they have the snotty women, etc. but overall, it seems great and I'm excited. Plus, Mindy (the lead CNA) told me that I was one of the best CNAs she's ever had to train. Since she's been there for five years and it was said after the puking incident, it really meant a lot :).

I went to Wal-Mart to get socks and ended up walking out with the socks, plus a diaper bag, two baby outfits, a package of "footy pajamas," a baby blanket, three bibs: "Where's My Grandma?" "Skip the Green Beans, Just Pass the Pudding!" and "I Can Be Bribed With Cookies," and a stuffed Valentine's Day dog - Ashley's first appointment with the OB/GYN doctor is Wednesday, February 14th. Her theme is Precious Moment's Noah's Ark and I couldn't pass up the really cute baby animal stuff I found! Besides, it is my perogative as the auntie to spoil my nephew/niece as much as I want (it's so going to be a boy though!). My parents aren't blameless either. My dad bought her a Precious Moments baby book, they picked up an outfit for the baby, a picture frame that says "Jesus Loves Me" in colorful, building blocks, and two bibs: "I Love Grandma" and "I Love Grandpa." They also got her a maternity top that is adorable and two pairs of jeans. She normally wears a 4/5, but she can't wear them anymore - she barely has room in the 9/10's they got for her (lol). Looks like the spoiling has begun! And it's obvious my dad is coming around and getting more and more excited. My mom had already picked up everything and said, "okay, we're done." To which he replied, "no we're not." Then proceeded to meander around Wal-Mart until he found the baby section and promptly got what he was looking for - the baby book.

Chad is also coming around although he's being a COWARD and keeps making excuses to not come visit with my parents. But at least he's gone from not wanting this baby at all, to feeling Ashley's stomach and showing an interest in what is going on and what she has to do. He helped her fill out a bunch of paperwork for medical stuff and what-not. Now if he would sac up, quit the damn drinking, and come sit down and chat with my parents... I think things would be going quite well on that end of things :).

I told my mom that she and Ashley have to make all future doctor appointments with Dr. R, the OB/GYN on Mondays or Tuesdays from now on. The first one is on Wednesday at 10:00am which is kind of going to suck for me. I don't want to miss any of her appointments, much less the first one. But it's going to short me on sleep for the graveyard ahead, but oh well - it will be worth it! We're getting the first ultrasound done so yay!

Anyway, I'm wiped out. I took about a four hour nap this afternoon but that was it and it's now almost 12:30pm. I've got church in the morning and the Tylenol PM I took is starting to kick in. It has a pain relief ingredient in it which I hope kicks in any time. My back is frickin' killing me and so is the ankle I broke in the fifth grade. It's okay though, because it IS worth it and it's totally added just that much more fuel to the fire for me to get my LPN (Licensed Pratical Nurse) and maybe my RN (Registered Nurse) after that.

We shall see. I'm learning to stop trying to second guess what life is going to throw at you because just when you think you know, a curveball comes your way!

In any case, I've missed you all and I can't wait to catch up on your journals and see what I've missed, which I'll be doing tomorrow. Hope all is well! :)

And I'm Off Again...

Here it is, about 10:30pm Tuesday night. The family, along with Mike, Danyella, and their girls all went out to the local steakhouse for dinner. Then came home and I watched American Idol and House - cannot wait for the episodes of both shows next week!

Then we had a chat with Thomas on the phone. This court thing he's having to deal with has just multiplied into other things and he's having a really hard time. He and Jimmy are Ashley and I's brothers-of-the-heart and I hate to see either one of them struggling. Especially when they sound so down and just... broken. God put it on my dad's heart to send him $500 and after he was told to be looking for the check in the mail, he did start crying, while talking to me. I can only pray for him and trust that the Big Man Upstairs is looking out for him and has a plan behind all of these trials he's having to go through.

While we were doing that, Ashley announced that she had to go talk to Chad, who is running away to his daddy in Salt Lake City for a few days. They had talked earlier and he's really not wanting to be a father. He came over earlier and talked with my mom and told her how scared he was about all of this. Then promised to come by later this evening to talk with my dad. When Ashley called him to see what time he was coming over, he'd "had a few beers" and "wanted to be completely sober when he came over to talk." All I could do was shake my head and think about how cowardly he's being. For the love of God! He is 25 years old. My sister is 19 and she's had to tell her parents and deal with all of this crap head-on. Abortion is not something that any of us believe in and she's excited to have this baby, but scared shitless too. It's a huge responsibility, but I've been proud of her seeing how she's stepping up to the plate and doing what she has to do. Meanwhile, Chad crawls into the nearest alcohol bottle he can find and stays hiding there. Ugh! He promised Ashley that there would always be money there if she needed it, but she basically told him to take his money and shove it - that she wasn't interested in that, she was interested in having THEIR baby know his/her father. Apparently, at least at this point (it's not in me to completely give up hope on anyone), it's not a real priority for him.

I want to be SuperSister and march over there, tell him to quit being a shithead and get it together - Ashley didn't get pregnant by herself! And on the other hand, I know this is something that my sister is going to have to deal with and nobody can force someone to be a part of their child's life. My own biological father did the same thing Chad is doing now when he was told my mom was pregnant so it's not exactly uncommon, I guess. At least I could reassure Ashley that there won't be a day in his life that he won't regret it if this is the choice he makes. Brad is a part of my life now, but I've heard how much guilt and regret he feels over his decision. And it hurts him that I don't call him "dad" and he's going to have to take second place to the man who has been my daddy my entire life forever. We're doing what we can to make her feel better and reassure her that there is a man out there who will love this baby and earn the RIGHT to be called dad and who will love her as well.

Sigh. I guess that hard road has already started for her. But it's not insurmountable!

Anyway, I am pretty much ready to go with the exception of a few items I'll need to use to get ready in the morning. My scrubs are neatly folded and packed away. Extra hair clippies and all that good stuff is there. I have to be there by 9am. It's an hour and a half to two hour drive so I plan on being out of here no later than 7am. A quick run through the drive thru at Starbucks in Rxxxx, the halfway point between here and GJ, and I'll be good to go! All I have to do now is find a way to chase the butterflies out of my stomach who have been growing in there for the last few hours and get to work on time.

Has anyone ever been handed their dream? I mean, I worked for it, but now this opportunity has been placed in my lap and it's my foot in the door. Thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I'm just not going to be good enough at my dream and it's really making me anxious. So then I have to chase those thoughts out and keep boosting myself up. It's a little hard to explain I guess...

In any case, I'll be MIA again for a few days. Depending on what I work Friday, I'll be home either Friday night or Saturday morning so you can expect an update then and comments on your journals :). Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and say a little prayer if that's your thing. I'm going to need them! But hey... at least I won't have to worry about accidentally emailing my boss a mean message about her again... I will be much too busy with the residents and learning the ropes :D.

Gah! Okay, I really need to get to bed and get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow! Take care everyone and have a great rest of the week!

Big News In My House Tonight!

Over the last couple of days, I was really struggling with depression. Little things were huge mountains that I couldn't overcome, old nightmares were tormenting me at night, and I've been a moody hag.

It turns out I just needed a good cry. I haven't been able to release my grief since Thanksgiving Day and it was past time. I watched Raise Your Voice with Hilary Duff - it's my sister and I's "cry movie" because of the parallels between the movie and our lives. I feel a lot better now and better able to deal with things.

Which is a damn good thing because...

... My sister came home today from the doctor. She had gone in to talk about how to keep away from drugs and basically to seek assistance. She also had a pregnancy test done and SURPRISE! She is 10 1/2 weeks pregnant.

She told my mom first by handing her the prescription for prenatal vitamins and I guess my mom said, "HOLY SHIT!"

I came downstairs to find out what was going on and she handed me the prescription as well. I said, "HOLY SHIT" and started laughing because, well, it's a bit of a shock.

My dad is worse of a morning person than I am, especially when he gets woken up. He had just fallen asleep about five minutes before my mom went in and got him. He came out asking what in the hell was going on and Ashley blurted out, "dad, I'm pregnant." Cue the long pause...

It was obvious he was less than thrilled because he firmly believes in the institution of marriage and the creating of children within that institution. But it was also just as obvious that he is a loving, supportive, father and he will be there for her in every way. They had a long talk about the changes that were going to come about in her life and how she was going to have to handle them. He asked her about how she was feeling and what she was thinking. He made it clear that he loves her very much and he said he was sorry if he wasn't saying the right things, but that he'd be happy and more understanding tomorrow after he'd caught up on his sleep.

I can't really blame him for being stern with her during parts of the conversation. That's quite the bomb to drop in a father's lap. But he's handling it well and I think he'll get even better as time goes by, although he did warn her that there was going to be changes everywhere - including within him and mom. And to prepare herself for a bootcamp into adulthood over the next few months. His goal is to help get her ready for parenthood and adulthood - she's barely gotten her feet wet in the latter. He also told her that her days of being foot loose and fancy free were over - she has more than just herself to think about now. He softened that by telling her about what in an incredible joy it is to raise a child and how much fun it can be if she lets it.

Overall, I'd say it went pretty well.

I'm excited about being an aunty! My cousin, Sarah, did her usual evil comments and tried to suck the joy out of things. She called my cell phone to ask me about everything. After I'd told her, she started laughing and I asked her what was so funny. She says, "oooh, just that after all those years of mothering all of us, you're going to be the last one of us to have kids." I very politely told her that it was BECAUSE of all those years that I've made the smart choice to wait. And then I ever so sweetly told her that if she made another comment like that, I would rip her arms off her body and beat her in the head with them the next time I seen her. Bitch.

But whatever... I'm going to be an aunt! My sister just had both a blessing and a huge responsibility dumped in her lap. Based on what I know and what I seen tonight, this is going to change her life for the good. There are going to be some hard bumps along the way - there is nothing easy about being a single mother. However, she's a strong, independent, young woman and I firmly feel this is going to center her. She's still a little scared about her off and on drug use over the past couple of months, but the doctor reassured her that the chances of something being wrong because of that at this point, were very slim. He also will be assisting her with staying clean for the duration of her pregnancy and after.

My bet is that it's going to be a healthy, perfect, baby boy and she already has the name picked out: Dominic Matthew - after our brother.

It's amazing to me how in just a split second... a moment in time... life can flip around and change irrevocably.

Looks like it just happened again.