Back Again, Part II

Oh wow! What an incredibly busy last few days it has been!

I've missed my bed, my pillows, the stupid cat that curls up on my chest and tucks it's head against mine, purring herself to sleep, while I, myself, am trying to catch some shut-eye. I've missed my INTERNET and the ability to blog whenever I feel like it about random crap. And I've missed my family, although it's not as bad as I thought it would be when I first decided to get a job in GJ.

Last night was my first night on the actual floor, taking care of residents, and learning the routine of the place. There are some highs and some definite, definite, lows! The toileting and all that wasn't too bad, although it can get pretty stinky. But nothing, nothing, NOTHING, will EVER beat the raunchiest, nastiest, stench I have ever had the misfortune of smelling - that of "burping" a colostomy bag.

For those of you that don't know, a colostomy bag is a what is placed over a surgical incision in the stomach after some re-routing has been done, when people cannot poop out of their anus anymore. They basically crap through their stomach. This bag fills with stool and intestinal gases; the gases inflate the bag and it has to been routinely "burped." This is accomplished by lifting the snap connecting the bag to the base. The air that comes out of there, wooshes into your face and to be honest, my stomach is churning again just thinking about it. The lead CNA, my trainer, anticipated this and moved to the opposite side of the bag before telling me to snap it open, which I did. She must have been expecting my reaction because as she was laughing, watching me turn green, she told me to "GO!" - which I was already doing. I had to run into the hall and puke in the trash can...

Other than that; however, things went really good. It's going to take time to learn each of the resident's individual needs and learn who they are - not just the names and room numbers, although that will take some time as well. Once I learn the latter part of that, charting will be quite simple - the program they use is easy to master but you do have to know certain things about each resident. Getting my own routine will come with time, as well as getting used to being on my feet for 12+ hours.

I'm definitely a hurtin' unit today, physically... which I was told will last about two months. But I feel like a part of me is being fulfilled now that I'm finally in the line of work that I've always wanted to be in. I still have some insecurities and concerns, but I think they will fade with time. And after going back through the night (with the exception of the puking incident) in an objective mind frame... it hit me that I AM going to be a great CNA. The other people who have told me this weren't just blowing smoke up my butt. I really do have a way with these people and I found myself getting irritated with the trainer because she... doesn't have as much compassion and patience as she should with some of them. I don't know. I really liked her and I definitely am learning some handy "tricks of the trade" from her, so I don't want to bad-talk her or anything... I just know I'm going to be handling some things differently I guess.

I HAVE to find a place of my own down there and soon, too. Right now, that is probably my biggest stress/concern. It took me a little over two hours to get home today.

I got up yesterday at 4pm, got a shower, yadah, yadah, and was at work by quarter till 6pm. Worked until 6:30am, dropped my aunt's stethoscope off at her house, and hit the road. The 45 minute drive from GJ to Rxxxx is a massive blur in my mind, even now. I remember jerking a few times and I knew I had started to fall asleep which scared the ever-lovin' shit out of me. I know I was swerving around the road a bit and when cars got too close to me, it made me really nervous. I stopped in Rxxxx to get some breakfast and caffeine which did the trick. The last hour I didn't have any problems staying awake... but the first half of my trip has really made me nervous. I think I might email my father and ask him for some help to get into a place of my own. I really don't want to, but I can pay him back the loan and I'd rather dump my pride and ask for help, then wind up in a car accident that may have serious consequences. It's become more of a safety issue, than an independence one at this point. The start-up costs are what is hard but if I can just get ahead of the game there, I'll be fine with managing my bills and paying back a loan for the deposit as I'll have first month's rent with this upcoming check. Ack! The stress of this matter is the only "down" side I'm really having at this point.

Anyway, I do believe I'm going to enjoy working at this place. Like any place, they have their issues and things that need to be better, they have the snotty women, etc. but overall, it seems great and I'm excited. Plus, Mindy (the lead CNA) told me that I was one of the best CNAs she's ever had to train. Since she's been there for five years and it was said after the puking incident, it really meant a lot :).

I went to Wal-Mart to get socks and ended up walking out with the socks, plus a diaper bag, two baby outfits, a package of "footy pajamas," a baby blanket, three bibs: "Where's My Grandma?" "Skip the Green Beans, Just Pass the Pudding!" and "I Can Be Bribed With Cookies," and a stuffed Valentine's Day dog - Ashley's first appointment with the OB/GYN doctor is Wednesday, February 14th. Her theme is Precious Moment's Noah's Ark and I couldn't pass up the really cute baby animal stuff I found! Besides, it is my perogative as the auntie to spoil my nephew/niece as much as I want (it's so going to be a boy though!). My parents aren't blameless either. My dad bought her a Precious Moments baby book, they picked up an outfit for the baby, a picture frame that says "Jesus Loves Me" in colorful, building blocks, and two bibs: "I Love Grandma" and "I Love Grandpa." They also got her a maternity top that is adorable and two pairs of jeans. She normally wears a 4/5, but she can't wear them anymore - she barely has room in the 9/10's they got for her (lol). Looks like the spoiling has begun! And it's obvious my dad is coming around and getting more and more excited. My mom had already picked up everything and said, "okay, we're done." To which he replied, "no we're not." Then proceeded to meander around Wal-Mart until he found the baby section and promptly got what he was looking for - the baby book.

Chad is also coming around although he's being a COWARD and keeps making excuses to not come visit with my parents. But at least he's gone from not wanting this baby at all, to feeling Ashley's stomach and showing an interest in what is going on and what she has to do. He helped her fill out a bunch of paperwork for medical stuff and what-not. Now if he would sac up, quit the damn drinking, and come sit down and chat with my parents... I think things would be going quite well on that end of things :).

I told my mom that she and Ashley have to make all future doctor appointments with Dr. R, the OB/GYN on Mondays or Tuesdays from now on. The first one is on Wednesday at 10:00am which is kind of going to suck for me. I don't want to miss any of her appointments, much less the first one. But it's going to short me on sleep for the graveyard ahead, but oh well - it will be worth it! We're getting the first ultrasound done so yay!

Anyway, I'm wiped out. I took about a four hour nap this afternoon but that was it and it's now almost 12:30pm. I've got church in the morning and the Tylenol PM I took is starting to kick in. It has a pain relief ingredient in it which I hope kicks in any time. My back is frickin' killing me and so is the ankle I broke in the fifth grade. It's okay though, because it IS worth it and it's totally added just that much more fuel to the fire for me to get my LPN (Licensed Pratical Nurse) and maybe my RN (Registered Nurse) after that.

We shall see. I'm learning to stop trying to second guess what life is going to throw at you because just when you think you know, a curveball comes your way!

In any case, I've missed you all and I can't wait to catch up on your journals and see what I've missed, which I'll be doing tomorrow. Hope all is well! :)

And I'm Off Again...

Here it is, about 10:30pm Tuesday night. The family, along with Mike, Danyella, and their girls all went out to the local steakhouse for dinner. Then came home and I watched American Idol and House - cannot wait for the episodes of both shows next week!

Then we had a chat with Thomas on the phone. This court thing he's having to deal with has just multiplied into other things and he's having a really hard time. He and Jimmy are Ashley and I's brothers-of-the-heart and I hate to see either one of them struggling. Especially when they sound so down and just... broken. God put it on my dad's heart to send him $500 and after he was told to be looking for the check in the mail, he did start crying, while talking to me. I can only pray for him and trust that the Big Man Upstairs is looking out for him and has a plan behind all of these trials he's having to go through.

While we were doing that, Ashley announced that she had to go talk to Chad, who is running away to his daddy in Salt Lake City for a few days. They had talked earlier and he's really not wanting to be a father. He came over earlier and talked with my mom and told her how scared he was about all of this. Then promised to come by later this evening to talk with my dad. When Ashley called him to see what time he was coming over, he'd "had a few beers" and "wanted to be completely sober when he came over to talk." All I could do was shake my head and think about how cowardly he's being. For the love of God! He is 25 years old. My sister is 19 and she's had to tell her parents and deal with all of this crap head-on. Abortion is not something that any of us believe in and she's excited to have this baby, but scared shitless too. It's a huge responsibility, but I've been proud of her seeing how she's stepping up to the plate and doing what she has to do. Meanwhile, Chad crawls into the nearest alcohol bottle he can find and stays hiding there. Ugh! He promised Ashley that there would always be money there if she needed it, but she basically told him to take his money and shove it - that she wasn't interested in that, she was interested in having THEIR baby know his/her father. Apparently, at least at this point (it's not in me to completely give up hope on anyone), it's not a real priority for him.

I want to be SuperSister and march over there, tell him to quit being a shithead and get it together - Ashley didn't get pregnant by herself! And on the other hand, I know this is something that my sister is going to have to deal with and nobody can force someone to be a part of their child's life. My own biological father did the same thing Chad is doing now when he was told my mom was pregnant so it's not exactly uncommon, I guess. At least I could reassure Ashley that there won't be a day in his life that he won't regret it if this is the choice he makes. Brad is a part of my life now, but I've heard how much guilt and regret he feels over his decision. And it hurts him that I don't call him "dad" and he's going to have to take second place to the man who has been my daddy my entire life forever. We're doing what we can to make her feel better and reassure her that there is a man out there who will love this baby and earn the RIGHT to be called dad and who will love her as well.

Sigh. I guess that hard road has already started for her. But it's not insurmountable!

Anyway, I am pretty much ready to go with the exception of a few items I'll need to use to get ready in the morning. My scrubs are neatly folded and packed away. Extra hair clippies and all that good stuff is there. I have to be there by 9am. It's an hour and a half to two hour drive so I plan on being out of here no later than 7am. A quick run through the drive thru at Starbucks in Rxxxx, the halfway point between here and GJ, and I'll be good to go! All I have to do now is find a way to chase the butterflies out of my stomach who have been growing in there for the last few hours and get to work on time.

Has anyone ever been handed their dream? I mean, I worked for it, but now this opportunity has been placed in my lap and it's my foot in the door. Thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I'm just not going to be good enough at my dream and it's really making me anxious. So then I have to chase those thoughts out and keep boosting myself up. It's a little hard to explain I guess...

In any case, I'll be MIA again for a few days. Depending on what I work Friday, I'll be home either Friday night or Saturday morning so you can expect an update then and comments on your journals :). Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and say a little prayer if that's your thing. I'm going to need them! But hey... at least I won't have to worry about accidentally emailing my boss a mean message about her again... I will be much too busy with the residents and learning the ropes :D.

Gah! Okay, I really need to get to bed and get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow! Take care everyone and have a great rest of the week!

I'MMMM BACKKKK!!!

Wow... I cannot begin to explain how good it feels to be back in front of a computer screen with internet access!!

The trip to GJ was great! I got to visit with my family and play with the kids; Little Shadow rarely left my side which made her dad a wee bit jealous as she is a "daddy's girl."

I got JOB! At a very reputable Skilled Nursing Facility - my aunt is an LPN there, but beyond bragging to her co-workers when I called her to tell her about passing my state boards and bringing an application home with her, she didn't do anything. I know, because I asked her and made her promise to tell me the truth.

It's very important to me to do things on my own!

I had one interview with the CNA boss which she did five minutes after I handed her my application. She reviewed it, got excited I wanted to work nights, and got one of the residents who sits in on all the interviews. After I answered a few questions and the resident informed Donetta (CNA Boss) to "hire the girl!" I got handed a bunch of paperwork and had to fill that out. We continued to chat while I wrote and she told me how much I'd be getting paid an hour and what days I'll be working. I asked her some questions regarding training and about the facility. Then we talked "personal" about her goals, my goals, her husband, kids, etc. By the end of it all, while shaking hands, she said that she could tell I was going to be a wonderful CNA and she was excited to have me here. Then asked me to come back on Friday at 10:30am to meet the Nursing Director aka Big Boss aka Kathryn. Which extended my stay, but that was okay with me :).

I arrived at 10:20am and was taken directly to Kathryn's office. I was told my background check cleared and asked to fill out more paperwork. Then I had to pee in a cup for the drug test - which I passed, although the Valium I stopped taking a month and a half ago is still in my system apparently. After that, I was done but Kathryn had taken an interest in talking to me - at least that's my guess as she kept me in there for another hour and a half just chatting about personal things.

To be honest, I was a little surprised that she talked to me for so long and confided so much in me about her personal life. Even Donetta came in after about an hour and commented that, "she really likes you! Normally she doesn't take this long with people, so that's a good thing!" Kathryn told me about the loss of her husband when she was 32 and he was 27 and how she's never married again. How she lost her mother 7 years ago and how much it hurt - her mom was her best friend. We talked about "seeing" our loved ones in dreams and strange things that have happened. About the "new normal" that is created out of neccessity and how surreal it feels to know that your world was just shattered, your heart broken, and yet... people all around you are still going to work, picking their kids up from school, basically just living life.

I felt very at ease with her and she reassured me that I could come to her or Donetta at any time and talk to them - whether it was on a professional or personal level it didn't matter, it would stay between the two of us. When we finally wrapped it up, I shook her hand and she told me that she was very impressed, I would be a great CNA, and welcome aboard!

I left feeling comfortable, confident, and excited about starting work there. My only nerves left are just related to my doing a good job, but only time will tell that. There is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to remember; it's a heavy responsibility! CNA's are not educated to the point where we can decide what kind of medications they need or how much and we don't really get to do any of the "cool" stuff. But in any nursing home or hospital, CNA's are the backbone of everything. We are responsible for their day-to-day care. We get onto very intimate levels with the residents and once you've become familiar with them, you can tell when they're having a bad day or are not feeling good. Their families entrust their safety in our hands as we have the most contact with them. It is our job to report any signs that something may be "off." Making sure they have oxygen, are clean, fed, bathed, able to go to the bathroom, encouraging them to take part in the activities they offer, etc. And everything has to be charted and/or reported to the nurse if it's something serious, like a fall or no BM's (bowel movements).

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being directly responsible for all that and more; especially since from 12:30am to 6:30am, I will be the only CNA on the floor and will be responsible for all 28 of the residents on my hall.

I think the fears, misgivings, and basically the lack of confidence will let up more and more as I get to know the residents; their likes/dislikes, habits, schedules, etc. And once I get into the routine of things, it will make a lot of it easier.

In any case, that's it on the job end of things.

The apartment hunting was a lot less successful.

At first I was considering answering some of those "roommate wanted" ads and I even called a few of them up. But in the end, I just couldn't bring myself to live with a stranger. For one, that's a little bit creepy. For two, I don't like the idea of having to tip-toe around someone else because it's their house. If I want to let the dishes sit overnight because I'm too tired and don't feel like doing them, then I want to be able to let them just sit! And then there's the whole "security" issue - at any time, they could decide they don't want a roommate or just don't want me and I would be left up shit creek without a paddle.

So I nicked that idea in the bud and started searching for apartments. I found a few that are in my price range, but one of the offices was closed, one realtor was an A-S-S-H-O-L-E and I refuse to deal with him, the other place just rang and rang and rang. Sigh.

Hopefully I will find a place very soon, but until I do, my aunt and uncle are going to let me stay with them for the three days a week I have to work (it's twelve hour shifts). I'll be working 6pm to 6:30am, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Saturday mornings when I get off, I'll make the two hour drive home and stay until Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoons. I'll stay up all day Saturday and crash early that night so I can go to church on Sunday and have a "regular" sleep cycle for the rest of my days off. At least that is the plan right now.

I am praying that I'm moving in the right direction and going where I am supposed to go.

I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds in a sense. That of creating stability, a secure life, staying in one place for a few years (or more), building friendships, staying close to my family, and so on. Or the part of me that still yearns to travel, explore, discover. To have adventures and excitement. It's really quite odd.

Anyway, I have a lot more to write about but this was my GJ trip and "the Plan" for now. I got back last night and dealt with a whole lot of drama, then went out to Teresa's and ended up spending the night. I had been asleep in their rocker for about 3 hours when their stupid dog jumped up on the head of it and flipped me all the way back at 4:30am. Teresa and her Redhead have been teasing me all day about the fact that I was screaming "SON OF A BITCH!" among other things. Scared the crap out of me and woke me up from a deep sleep. Never a good thing. Then I got pinned on my own hair and ended up having to roll off the side, all disorientated and dizzy. I was not happy.

Then I couldn't go back to sleep till like 7am because of the adrenaline rush and the fact that her Redhead had me go get in bed with Teresa when he was leaving for work. I kept screwing with her because I was in an onery mood and she finally whipped down her shorts and stuck her bare ass on my leg.

Needless to say, I'm tired. My dad wants me to come watch House with him, then I'm going to bed! I'll be catching up on all of your blogs over the next couple of days; I missed all of you! :)