I'm Out, Blogger!

Hey Everyone!

Come check me out here. I plan on making this home from now on and have settled in quite well over there.

I hope to see everyone at the new journal! And sorry about the move - I promise it will be the last one... unless, of course, my journal address falls into the nefarious hands of some trouble-makers again or some such thing!

Back Again, Part II

Oh wow! What an incredibly busy last few days it has been!

I've missed my bed, my pillows, the stupid cat that curls up on my chest and tucks it's head against mine, purring herself to sleep, while I, myself, am trying to catch some shut-eye. I've missed my INTERNET and the ability to blog whenever I feel like it about random crap. And I've missed my family, although it's not as bad as I thought it would be when I first decided to get a job in GJ.

Last night was my first night on the actual floor, taking care of residents, and learning the routine of the place. There are some highs and some definite, definite, lows! The toileting and all that wasn't too bad, although it can get pretty stinky. But nothing, nothing, NOTHING, will EVER beat the raunchiest, nastiest, stench I have ever had the misfortune of smelling - that of "burping" a colostomy bag.

For those of you that don't know, a colostomy bag is a what is placed over a surgical incision in the stomach after some re-routing has been done, when people cannot poop out of their anus anymore. They basically crap through their stomach. This bag fills with stool and intestinal gases; the gases inflate the bag and it has to been routinely "burped." This is accomplished by lifting the snap connecting the bag to the base. The air that comes out of there, wooshes into your face and to be honest, my stomach is churning again just thinking about it. The lead CNA, my trainer, anticipated this and moved to the opposite side of the bag before telling me to snap it open, which I did. She must have been expecting my reaction because as she was laughing, watching me turn green, she told me to "GO!" - which I was already doing. I had to run into the hall and puke in the trash can...

Other than that; however, things went really good. It's going to take time to learn each of the resident's individual needs and learn who they are - not just the names and room numbers, although that will take some time as well. Once I learn the latter part of that, charting will be quite simple - the program they use is easy to master but you do have to know certain things about each resident. Getting my own routine will come with time, as well as getting used to being on my feet for 12+ hours.

I'm definitely a hurtin' unit today, physically... which I was told will last about two months. But I feel like a part of me is being fulfilled now that I'm finally in the line of work that I've always wanted to be in. I still have some insecurities and concerns, but I think they will fade with time. And after going back through the night (with the exception of the puking incident) in an objective mind frame... it hit me that I AM going to be a great CNA. The other people who have told me this weren't just blowing smoke up my butt. I really do have a way with these people and I found myself getting irritated with the trainer because she... doesn't have as much compassion and patience as she should with some of them. I don't know. I really liked her and I definitely am learning some handy "tricks of the trade" from her, so I don't want to bad-talk her or anything... I just know I'm going to be handling some things differently I guess.

I HAVE to find a place of my own down there and soon, too. Right now, that is probably my biggest stress/concern. It took me a little over two hours to get home today.

I got up yesterday at 4pm, got a shower, yadah, yadah, and was at work by quarter till 6pm. Worked until 6:30am, dropped my aunt's stethoscope off at her house, and hit the road. The 45 minute drive from GJ to Rxxxx is a massive blur in my mind, even now. I remember jerking a few times and I knew I had started to fall asleep which scared the ever-lovin' shit out of me. I know I was swerving around the road a bit and when cars got too close to me, it made me really nervous. I stopped in Rxxxx to get some breakfast and caffeine which did the trick. The last hour I didn't have any problems staying awake... but the first half of my trip has really made me nervous. I think I might email my father and ask him for some help to get into a place of my own. I really don't want to, but I can pay him back the loan and I'd rather dump my pride and ask for help, then wind up in a car accident that may have serious consequences. It's become more of a safety issue, than an independence one at this point. The start-up costs are what is hard but if I can just get ahead of the game there, I'll be fine with managing my bills and paying back a loan for the deposit as I'll have first month's rent with this upcoming check. Ack! The stress of this matter is the only "down" side I'm really having at this point.

Anyway, I do believe I'm going to enjoy working at this place. Like any place, they have their issues and things that need to be better, they have the snotty women, etc. but overall, it seems great and I'm excited. Plus, Mindy (the lead CNA) told me that I was one of the best CNAs she's ever had to train. Since she's been there for five years and it was said after the puking incident, it really meant a lot :).

I went to Wal-Mart to get socks and ended up walking out with the socks, plus a diaper bag, two baby outfits, a package of "footy pajamas," a baby blanket, three bibs: "Where's My Grandma?" "Skip the Green Beans, Just Pass the Pudding!" and "I Can Be Bribed With Cookies," and a stuffed Valentine's Day dog - Ashley's first appointment with the OB/GYN doctor is Wednesday, February 14th. Her theme is Precious Moment's Noah's Ark and I couldn't pass up the really cute baby animal stuff I found! Besides, it is my perogative as the auntie to spoil my nephew/niece as much as I want (it's so going to be a boy though!). My parents aren't blameless either. My dad bought her a Precious Moments baby book, they picked up an outfit for the baby, a picture frame that says "Jesus Loves Me" in colorful, building blocks, and two bibs: "I Love Grandma" and "I Love Grandpa." They also got her a maternity top that is adorable and two pairs of jeans. She normally wears a 4/5, but she can't wear them anymore - she barely has room in the 9/10's they got for her (lol). Looks like the spoiling has begun! And it's obvious my dad is coming around and getting more and more excited. My mom had already picked up everything and said, "okay, we're done." To which he replied, "no we're not." Then proceeded to meander around Wal-Mart until he found the baby section and promptly got what he was looking for - the baby book.

Chad is also coming around although he's being a COWARD and keeps making excuses to not come visit with my parents. But at least he's gone from not wanting this baby at all, to feeling Ashley's stomach and showing an interest in what is going on and what she has to do. He helped her fill out a bunch of paperwork for medical stuff and what-not. Now if he would sac up, quit the damn drinking, and come sit down and chat with my parents... I think things would be going quite well on that end of things :).

I told my mom that she and Ashley have to make all future doctor appointments with Dr. R, the OB/GYN on Mondays or Tuesdays from now on. The first one is on Wednesday at 10:00am which is kind of going to suck for me. I don't want to miss any of her appointments, much less the first one. But it's going to short me on sleep for the graveyard ahead, but oh well - it will be worth it! We're getting the first ultrasound done so yay!

Anyway, I'm wiped out. I took about a four hour nap this afternoon but that was it and it's now almost 12:30pm. I've got church in the morning and the Tylenol PM I took is starting to kick in. It has a pain relief ingredient in it which I hope kicks in any time. My back is frickin' killing me and so is the ankle I broke in the fifth grade. It's okay though, because it IS worth it and it's totally added just that much more fuel to the fire for me to get my LPN (Licensed Pratical Nurse) and maybe my RN (Registered Nurse) after that.

We shall see. I'm learning to stop trying to second guess what life is going to throw at you because just when you think you know, a curveball comes your way!

In any case, I've missed you all and I can't wait to catch up on your journals and see what I've missed, which I'll be doing tomorrow. Hope all is well! :)

And I'm Off Again...

Here it is, about 10:30pm Tuesday night. The family, along with Mike, Danyella, and their girls all went out to the local steakhouse for dinner. Then came home and I watched American Idol and House - cannot wait for the episodes of both shows next week!

Then we had a chat with Thomas on the phone. This court thing he's having to deal with has just multiplied into other things and he's having a really hard time. He and Jimmy are Ashley and I's brothers-of-the-heart and I hate to see either one of them struggling. Especially when they sound so down and just... broken. God put it on my dad's heart to send him $500 and after he was told to be looking for the check in the mail, he did start crying, while talking to me. I can only pray for him and trust that the Big Man Upstairs is looking out for him and has a plan behind all of these trials he's having to go through.

While we were doing that, Ashley announced that she had to go talk to Chad, who is running away to his daddy in Salt Lake City for a few days. They had talked earlier and he's really not wanting to be a father. He came over earlier and talked with my mom and told her how scared he was about all of this. Then promised to come by later this evening to talk with my dad. When Ashley called him to see what time he was coming over, he'd "had a few beers" and "wanted to be completely sober when he came over to talk." All I could do was shake my head and think about how cowardly he's being. For the love of God! He is 25 years old. My sister is 19 and she's had to tell her parents and deal with all of this crap head-on. Abortion is not something that any of us believe in and she's excited to have this baby, but scared shitless too. It's a huge responsibility, but I've been proud of her seeing how she's stepping up to the plate and doing what she has to do. Meanwhile, Chad crawls into the nearest alcohol bottle he can find and stays hiding there. Ugh! He promised Ashley that there would always be money there if she needed it, but she basically told him to take his money and shove it - that she wasn't interested in that, she was interested in having THEIR baby know his/her father. Apparently, at least at this point (it's not in me to completely give up hope on anyone), it's not a real priority for him.

I want to be SuperSister and march over there, tell him to quit being a shithead and get it together - Ashley didn't get pregnant by herself! And on the other hand, I know this is something that my sister is going to have to deal with and nobody can force someone to be a part of their child's life. My own biological father did the same thing Chad is doing now when he was told my mom was pregnant so it's not exactly uncommon, I guess. At least I could reassure Ashley that there won't be a day in his life that he won't regret it if this is the choice he makes. Brad is a part of my life now, but I've heard how much guilt and regret he feels over his decision. And it hurts him that I don't call him "dad" and he's going to have to take second place to the man who has been my daddy my entire life forever. We're doing what we can to make her feel better and reassure her that there is a man out there who will love this baby and earn the RIGHT to be called dad and who will love her as well.

Sigh. I guess that hard road has already started for her. But it's not insurmountable!

Anyway, I am pretty much ready to go with the exception of a few items I'll need to use to get ready in the morning. My scrubs are neatly folded and packed away. Extra hair clippies and all that good stuff is there. I have to be there by 9am. It's an hour and a half to two hour drive so I plan on being out of here no later than 7am. A quick run through the drive thru at Starbucks in Rxxxx, the halfway point between here and GJ, and I'll be good to go! All I have to do now is find a way to chase the butterflies out of my stomach who have been growing in there for the last few hours and get to work on time.

Has anyone ever been handed their dream? I mean, I worked for it, but now this opportunity has been placed in my lap and it's my foot in the door. Thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I'm just not going to be good enough at my dream and it's really making me anxious. So then I have to chase those thoughts out and keep boosting myself up. It's a little hard to explain I guess...

In any case, I'll be MIA again for a few days. Depending on what I work Friday, I'll be home either Friday night or Saturday morning so you can expect an update then and comments on your journals :). Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and say a little prayer if that's your thing. I'm going to need them! But hey... at least I won't have to worry about accidentally emailing my boss a mean message about her again... I will be much too busy with the residents and learning the ropes :D.

Gah! Okay, I really need to get to bed and get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow! Take care everyone and have a great rest of the week!

Big News In My House Tonight!

Over the last couple of days, I was really struggling with depression. Little things were huge mountains that I couldn't overcome, old nightmares were tormenting me at night, and I've been a moody hag.

It turns out I just needed a good cry. I haven't been able to release my grief since Thanksgiving Day and it was past time. I watched Raise Your Voice with Hilary Duff - it's my sister and I's "cry movie" because of the parallels between the movie and our lives. I feel a lot better now and better able to deal with things.

Which is a damn good thing because...

... My sister came home today from the doctor. She had gone in to talk about how to keep away from drugs and basically to seek assistance. She also had a pregnancy test done and SURPRISE! She is 10 1/2 weeks pregnant.

She told my mom first by handing her the prescription for prenatal vitamins and I guess my mom said, "HOLY SHIT!"

I came downstairs to find out what was going on and she handed me the prescription as well. I said, "HOLY SHIT" and started laughing because, well, it's a bit of a shock.

My dad is worse of a morning person than I am, especially when he gets woken up. He had just fallen asleep about five minutes before my mom went in and got him. He came out asking what in the hell was going on and Ashley blurted out, "dad, I'm pregnant." Cue the long pause...

It was obvious he was less than thrilled because he firmly believes in the institution of marriage and the creating of children within that institution. But it was also just as obvious that he is a loving, supportive, father and he will be there for her in every way. They had a long talk about the changes that were going to come about in her life and how she was going to have to handle them. He asked her about how she was feeling and what she was thinking. He made it clear that he loves her very much and he said he was sorry if he wasn't saying the right things, but that he'd be happy and more understanding tomorrow after he'd caught up on his sleep.

I can't really blame him for being stern with her during parts of the conversation. That's quite the bomb to drop in a father's lap. But he's handling it well and I think he'll get even better as time goes by, although he did warn her that there was going to be changes everywhere - including within him and mom. And to prepare herself for a bootcamp into adulthood over the next few months. His goal is to help get her ready for parenthood and adulthood - she's barely gotten her feet wet in the latter. He also told her that her days of being foot loose and fancy free were over - she has more than just herself to think about now. He softened that by telling her about what in an incredible joy it is to raise a child and how much fun it can be if she lets it.

Overall, I'd say it went pretty well.

I'm excited about being an aunty! My cousin, Sarah, did her usual evil comments and tried to suck the joy out of things. She called my cell phone to ask me about everything. After I'd told her, she started laughing and I asked her what was so funny. She says, "oooh, just that after all those years of mothering all of us, you're going to be the last one of us to have kids." I very politely told her that it was BECAUSE of all those years that I've made the smart choice to wait. And then I ever so sweetly told her that if she made another comment like that, I would rip her arms off her body and beat her in the head with them the next time I seen her. Bitch.

But whatever... I'm going to be an aunt! My sister just had both a blessing and a huge responsibility dumped in her lap. Based on what I know and what I seen tonight, this is going to change her life for the good. There are going to be some hard bumps along the way - there is nothing easy about being a single mother. However, she's a strong, independent, young woman and I firmly feel this is going to center her. She's still a little scared about her off and on drug use over the past couple of months, but the doctor reassured her that the chances of something being wrong because of that at this point, were very slim. He also will be assisting her with staying clean for the duration of her pregnancy and after.

My bet is that it's going to be a healthy, perfect, baby boy and she already has the name picked out: Dominic Matthew - after our brother.

It's amazing to me how in just a split second... a moment in time... life can flip around and change irrevocably.

Looks like it just happened again.

Made In America: Spoiled Brats!

This was sent to me in my email the other day and as I feel it has some very valid points, I was curious as to what other people think about it.

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I starting thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are: the most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book and do a TV special about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did ... Insane! Stop buying the negative venom you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

Thoughts?

I'MMMM BACKKKK!!!

Wow... I cannot begin to explain how good it feels to be back in front of a computer screen with internet access!!

The trip to GJ was great! I got to visit with my family and play with the kids; Little Shadow rarely left my side which made her dad a wee bit jealous as she is a "daddy's girl."

I got JOB! At a very reputable Skilled Nursing Facility - my aunt is an LPN there, but beyond bragging to her co-workers when I called her to tell her about passing my state boards and bringing an application home with her, she didn't do anything. I know, because I asked her and made her promise to tell me the truth.

It's very important to me to do things on my own!

I had one interview with the CNA boss which she did five minutes after I handed her my application. She reviewed it, got excited I wanted to work nights, and got one of the residents who sits in on all the interviews. After I answered a few questions and the resident informed Donetta (CNA Boss) to "hire the girl!" I got handed a bunch of paperwork and had to fill that out. We continued to chat while I wrote and she told me how much I'd be getting paid an hour and what days I'll be working. I asked her some questions regarding training and about the facility. Then we talked "personal" about her goals, my goals, her husband, kids, etc. By the end of it all, while shaking hands, she said that she could tell I was going to be a wonderful CNA and she was excited to have me here. Then asked me to come back on Friday at 10:30am to meet the Nursing Director aka Big Boss aka Kathryn. Which extended my stay, but that was okay with me :).

I arrived at 10:20am and was taken directly to Kathryn's office. I was told my background check cleared and asked to fill out more paperwork. Then I had to pee in a cup for the drug test - which I passed, although the Valium I stopped taking a month and a half ago is still in my system apparently. After that, I was done but Kathryn had taken an interest in talking to me - at least that's my guess as she kept me in there for another hour and a half just chatting about personal things.

To be honest, I was a little surprised that she talked to me for so long and confided so much in me about her personal life. Even Donetta came in after about an hour and commented that, "she really likes you! Normally she doesn't take this long with people, so that's a good thing!" Kathryn told me about the loss of her husband when she was 32 and he was 27 and how she's never married again. How she lost her mother 7 years ago and how much it hurt - her mom was her best friend. We talked about "seeing" our loved ones in dreams and strange things that have happened. About the "new normal" that is created out of neccessity and how surreal it feels to know that your world was just shattered, your heart broken, and yet... people all around you are still going to work, picking their kids up from school, basically just living life.

I felt very at ease with her and she reassured me that I could come to her or Donetta at any time and talk to them - whether it was on a professional or personal level it didn't matter, it would stay between the two of us. When we finally wrapped it up, I shook her hand and she told me that she was very impressed, I would be a great CNA, and welcome aboard!

I left feeling comfortable, confident, and excited about starting work there. My only nerves left are just related to my doing a good job, but only time will tell that. There is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to remember; it's a heavy responsibility! CNA's are not educated to the point where we can decide what kind of medications they need or how much and we don't really get to do any of the "cool" stuff. But in any nursing home or hospital, CNA's are the backbone of everything. We are responsible for their day-to-day care. We get onto very intimate levels with the residents and once you've become familiar with them, you can tell when they're having a bad day or are not feeling good. Their families entrust their safety in our hands as we have the most contact with them. It is our job to report any signs that something may be "off." Making sure they have oxygen, are clean, fed, bathed, able to go to the bathroom, encouraging them to take part in the activities they offer, etc. And everything has to be charted and/or reported to the nurse if it's something serious, like a fall or no BM's (bowel movements).

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being directly responsible for all that and more; especially since from 12:30am to 6:30am, I will be the only CNA on the floor and will be responsible for all 28 of the residents on my hall.

I think the fears, misgivings, and basically the lack of confidence will let up more and more as I get to know the residents; their likes/dislikes, habits, schedules, etc. And once I get into the routine of things, it will make a lot of it easier.

In any case, that's it on the job end of things.

The apartment hunting was a lot less successful.

At first I was considering answering some of those "roommate wanted" ads and I even called a few of them up. But in the end, I just couldn't bring myself to live with a stranger. For one, that's a little bit creepy. For two, I don't like the idea of having to tip-toe around someone else because it's their house. If I want to let the dishes sit overnight because I'm too tired and don't feel like doing them, then I want to be able to let them just sit! And then there's the whole "security" issue - at any time, they could decide they don't want a roommate or just don't want me and I would be left up shit creek without a paddle.

So I nicked that idea in the bud and started searching for apartments. I found a few that are in my price range, but one of the offices was closed, one realtor was an A-S-S-H-O-L-E and I refuse to deal with him, the other place just rang and rang and rang. Sigh.

Hopefully I will find a place very soon, but until I do, my aunt and uncle are going to let me stay with them for the three days a week I have to work (it's twelve hour shifts). I'll be working 6pm to 6:30am, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Saturday mornings when I get off, I'll make the two hour drive home and stay until Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoons. I'll stay up all day Saturday and crash early that night so I can go to church on Sunday and have a "regular" sleep cycle for the rest of my days off. At least that is the plan right now.

I am praying that I'm moving in the right direction and going where I am supposed to go.

I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds in a sense. That of creating stability, a secure life, staying in one place for a few years (or more), building friendships, staying close to my family, and so on. Or the part of me that still yearns to travel, explore, discover. To have adventures and excitement. It's really quite odd.

Anyway, I have a lot more to write about but this was my GJ trip and "the Plan" for now. I got back last night and dealt with a whole lot of drama, then went out to Teresa's and ended up spending the night. I had been asleep in their rocker for about 3 hours when their stupid dog jumped up on the head of it and flipped me all the way back at 4:30am. Teresa and her Redhead have been teasing me all day about the fact that I was screaming "SON OF A BITCH!" among other things. Scared the crap out of me and woke me up from a deep sleep. Never a good thing. Then I got pinned on my own hair and ended up having to roll off the side, all disorientated and dizzy. I was not happy.

Then I couldn't go back to sleep till like 7am because of the adrenaline rush and the fact that her Redhead had me go get in bed with Teresa when he was leaving for work. I kept screwing with her because I was in an onery mood and she finally whipped down her shorts and stuck her bare ass on my leg.

Needless to say, I'm tired. My dad wants me to come watch House with him, then I'm going to bed! I'll be catching up on all of your blogs over the next couple of days; I missed all of you! :)

Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's Off to GJ I Go! (And other tidbits)

It's almost 12:30pm and I just woke up about 45 minutes ago - although my parents (especially my dad) would have a fit if they (he) knew that. I don't really know what's been going on with me lately, but I am tired. The small things just wear me out and I'm kind of wondering if my thyroid hormone is off, but I'm praying that it's not. That would mean a med change and those just absolutely suck; I don't want to have to deal with that in the midst of all this either.

Last night, around 2:00am, I was in that strange half-awake/half-asleep Twilight Zone kind of place. And I remember thinking about the cost of this move, how I'm going to have to play catch up on bills for a month or two, trying to calculate how much money I'll be making as I looked up the average pay for CNA's in the GJ area, and so on. I started having a panic attack thinking about all this responsibility that is on my shoulders. Maybe it's not so much the responsibility that is on my shoulders, but the fact that I HAVE to make a choice - I feel a little trapped. This is why I like keeping a lot of options open and giving myself time to mull it over/prepare for it. But I am kind of jumping right in this time and trusting that things will work themselves out. It's scary! I am wanting to get ahead and not be forever watching my hard-earned paychecks disappear as I pay my bills every month.

I guess it just dawned on me that I am walking into the blind, more or less. I have no job, no savings that is worth mentioning, and I have no apartment down there. It's a bit nerve-wracking when you start looking at what the facts are now, instead of focusing on where you'll be at a few months from now. Plus, I truly hate living alone. I grew up in a busy, busy, busy house. There was always something going on (not neccessarily drama either). My brother and sister were quite the popular ones and always had friends over. I was very involved with academics and school programs - like Student Council. Yeah, I was kind of a dork. But even when I was at home, studying or whatever, there was just movement and noise all the time. That is what I am used to. So when I live on my own, it gets too quiet and it bothers me. It can also be scary at 3am, with strange noises outside and the slightest board creaking.

Yeah, yeah - I'm a big 'fraidy cat! So what? :P

I am considering finding a two bedroom place so that I can get a roommate, someone to share the rent with. While I was drowsy and in the process of falling asleep, I mentally composed this ad: ROOMMATE WANTED. Prefer female. Reasonably clean, quiet. Responsible. No partiers and no psychos. Contact me at xxx.xxx.xxxx for more information.

It could work?

I have to get a shower, get packed, fill up my gas tank, check the air in my tires, etc. before I leave. I'll probably arrive around 4:00 this afternoon, which will give me an evening to spend time with the kids before I start The Job Hunt. I'll pick up a GJ paper before I go so I can look through the job openings and apartments for rent. I'm pretty familiar with the area as I lived down there for a year previously, so I kind of know what areas are safe, which ones are decent, and which ones are a big no-no. If I don't recognize a street or whatever, my aunt and uncle have lived there for nearly 1o years so they'll be able to help.

In the last week or so, I've "found" some really interesting, cool, new people and have added them to the "My Fave Reads" list. Egan, Jedimerc, and I have completely different lives.

Egan is passive-aggressive, bouncing with life and energy, and is always asking questions of people that are designed to open your mind, making you analyze the "why" behind your opinions. He and his wife are expecting their first child and the level of emotion you feel from his words when he writes about his unborn child... well, it's intense and it makes me cry.

Jedimerc is well-traveled, well-educated, divorced, and on a journey to self-understanding. To figuring out his place in this world; where he fits and why. He is a very intense person and his writing reflects this. He's been through a lot and I get the feeling that he's finally starting to pay attention to all of that and letting it make him grow.

And I... well, I'm 22 years old, trying to grow up and be an adult. I'm terrified and confused and excited about all these changes that come with stepping into the adult world and am making my way forward, one step at a time. I get impatient with myself and sometimes have to remember to just slow down and smell the roses.

None of us really have anything in common as far as who we are, other than a shared passion for blogging. But these two men have both lost a brother. Both of them have written about it, at least a small part of it, in this last week and touched something in my heart. I can feel their grief, their pain, the shock that still comes in spite of the reluctant acceptance you gain when you are forced to face reality. So much feeling, so hard to describe. But I know all of it, because it is mine as well. I haven't met anyone IRL or on the net thus far that has lost a brother, with the exception of one kind, older lady who works in the laundry up at the hospital. People try to relate and with the best of intentions, tell you the story of their great-great Uncle Meryl's funeral that they went to when they were eight. They know, and you know, that it doesn't even come close, but you appreciate their effort so you smile, hug them, and say thank you. They walk away with relief and you still feel numb.

I guess I'm just saying that seeing them write about their tragedy, even if only a few short sentences, has helped me in some ways.

I don't feel as alone or isolated. Because even knowing in your head that you aren't the only one that has ever lost a brother, it's different when you're confronted with the reality that countless others have had beloved brothers, whose lives were also ended prematurely. And there are others out there struggling with it; you recognize the struggle and therefore feel a bit of a connection because you relate, you understand.

In any case, they are both wonderful reads - inspiring people that will make you laugh and make you think. I hope they both know that as painful as it is to write about or talk about some days, that by sharing their loss, even in the smallest of ways, it touches people.

I feel inadequate trying to express my feelings on this, but I guess that's the best I can do and I'll leave it at that.

My sister made it safely to Florida and was absolutely thrilled when she texted me to tell me that she was at the beach and LOVING it. She called this morning at not quite 7am and I vaguely remember talking to her. She wanted to talk to mom and I said, "Ashley, it's not even 7am yet - nobody is awake!" To which she immediately got an attitude with. "Well sorrrrryyyyyyy, Amber! I'm at the beach, two hours ahead of you guys and I didn't REALIZE!" "Ashley - drop the damn attitude. I'll have mom call you when she gets up. Have fun, I love you." "I love you too, BYE!"

Teresa has told me that I've been that angsty and attitude-ish when I was 19 (although I don't remember ever being as bad as her), but said that I was also responsible. Something my sister is clearly not.

I love my sister very much, nothing will ever change that. I'd be lying though, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to moving to GJ because I am not going to have to deal with her crap as much. I know that sounds horribly selfish. She can just be very difficult at times; she needs to get her life together. We've given her the options, pointed her in the right direction, and offered to walk the road with her. It's all up to her now and you were all right when you guys said that I can't be responsible for her - I can't. I can be supportive and encouraging, but not responsible. Ashley is so caught up in what she's going through, and has been for a while, that she can't think past that. It's rare that I get anything besides bitter, snappy, angry, etc. from her. Or I say something to hurt her feelings (very easy to do)... or just something. The rare times where we laugh together or spend time with one another and aren't arguing or nit-picking, are times that I treasure. I pray that eventually she's going to grow out of all of it.

Anyway. I was going to do some kind of "ten more things you didn't know about me" but I can't think of anything at the moment. And I really need to get my butt on a move if I am going to ever get out of here.

So take care, fellow bloggers and Dear Readers! I shall be back Thursday night and you can be expecting an update from me then. I'll also be looking forward to catching up on everything I'll be missing with all of you! :) If it wasn't absolutely neccessary, I so would not be going anywhere for four days where I do not have internet access. C'est la vi, I suppose!

Have a great week, everyone!

Making Big Decisions is Becoming a Trend it Seems...

I know I haven't gotten around to responding to your comments and I am sorry; I haven't really been on the computer much in the last 24 hours - shocking, I know! But I'd like to say thanks to all of you who offered up your opinion and advice about the decisions I was struggling with. It helped make up my mind.

I'm leaving for GJ tomorrow for three days to look around for an apartment and put my applications in at the two major hospitals and a few of the nursing homes around there. I have a Plan and if everything goes right, it could be great :).

In the US, when going to college and applying for any kind of financial aid, you HAVE to go by your parent's income until you are 23 years of age. Once you turn 23, then the amount you are awarded via Pell Grants and the like, will be based solely on your income. With how much money my dad makes a year, I am not eligible for any kind of financial assistance. To be perfectly honest, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and doesn't make logical sense when applied to the wannabe-student. But when you think about it from the government's point of view, it makes perfect sense because it is saving THEM money. They know that most late teens/early twenties don't make a lot of money and thus they would have to pay out bookoo dollars to help them get through school. However, if you make them claim their parent's income on top of your own - you stand a higher chance of not making them pay out squat. Well, congratulations goverment, you won this round.

Under my plan; however, they won't win the war... muahaha!

I turn 23 in September. There is a vocational school in GJ that accepts new students in the fall and in the spring. I can use this year to get a place of my own and get settled in, find a church, establish some new friendships and re-establish the distanced ones (from my moving home). I can get a job and put all my extra money toward getting out of debt. I did the math last night and I've got about 20 more months to pay on my car. If I put $2400 extra toward my car this year, I can have it paid off in January - before the school session starts. The program is designed to get nurses trained and out into the workforce. You don't have to do the bullcrap of two years of pre-requisites before you finally are able to start pursuing the classes relevant to your major like you do in college. You pretty much just jump right in. If you go full-time, I think the LPN is 6 months and the RN is 9 months. I'll have to check into that to be sure though. In any case, the expense and time of going through this program is half of what it would be to attend a university or state college. I'm a "get to the point" kind of gal for the most part and I think this is more suited to my personality and head smarts.

You have to be a CNA to even be considered for admission, but I've got that one down sooooo... if I study and get my brain prepped for math again... I think I have a fighting chance of getting in.

Meanwhile, I'll be getting to observe what LPN's and RN's do in a hospital or nursing home setting and will be learning, even as I draw a paycheck. A lot of places are very flexible with your schedule and will even help with tuition expenses if you agree to work for them for a certain amount of time after you graduate.

Regardless of that though, I will be getting quite a bit of training and "hands on" experience. I'll be able to set myself up a little home and, well, build myself a life and career. I'll get that feeling back of being an adult given the fact that I'll be living on my own again, re-establish my independence, and yeah... I'm just bursting with excitement in case you haven't noticed!

It feels like a well-thought out, responsible, mature, plan. At least I hope.

There's still some self-doubt here and a lot of nerves. I'm going to be putting off paying some bills and what-not to get into a place down there. Hopefully I'm only setting myself back a little bit and not digging a financial grave for myself. There's a lot that goes into a big decision like this.

The first time I moved out, it was only five blocks away from my parents. The second time I moved out, I was going to family - bouncing from place to place while I seen a little bit of the world and uh, partied... a lot. The third time I moved out I was going to college and had the security of a dorm and meals that were paid for the year. When I moved out of the dorms and into a duplex down in GJ, I was only there a few months before I moved back onto campus in an apartment with friends. So really, while I've lived alone before and been out of my parent's house - this will be the first time I'm planning on a long-term, setting up residence, actually BEING an adult instead of playing at it.

I feel like I'm taking one more big step into adulthood territory and it's kind of scary. Leaving your security and comfort zone. Maybe I'm just being silly and retarded... I don't know.

In any case, I'm anticipating that by the end of February I should have a job, a house, and be on my way toward complete self-sufficiency.

Which earns both a "yikes!" and a "yay!"

To all (three?) of my Australian Readers: I am so excited!! I was watching season 4 of The Amazing Race last night and the 11th leg of the race was in Brisbane, Australia! Your city is HUGE and completely the opposite of what I was expecting, with maybe the exception of the wide, open, space. It's beautiful, no doubt! I guess seeing the skyscrapers and large hotels and all of that was a bit of a culture shock for this small town girl. Y'all have a lot of kangaroos, too - they're so cute!! In case you're curious, the racers had to go to some famous yacht club; I'm not going to embarrass myself trying to remember how to spell it and what the exact name was given the fact that it was 3:00am while my mom and I were watching this. They also had to go to some sheep-shearing place and dig through a bunch of wool to find the next clue. Then they got to rest at the pit stop on the edge of the Carls (?) Sea - I think they said it was tropical and in the northern part of the country. Anyway, I was just really excited to see a bit of your country. LOVE the accents :) and was way impressed with how friendly everyone is down under. The racers were having to stop and ask questions everywhere and all of them were helpful and nice. If you did that in New York City, New York - you'd be more likely to get robbed, ignored, told to F*#$ off, or something along those lines. Now I REALLY can't wait until I'm rich, possibly famous for my medical skills, and able to visit Australia!

The New A has been hinting around and trying to ask me out for the last couple of days. I think he's fairly shy and every time he's about to get the words out, the phone rings or a customer comes up to the desk or SOMETHING. Maybe this is a kind of serendipity straight from fate? Last night he says, "so uh... uhm... what do you all do around here to go on dates?"

Me: A social life? Dating? What's that?

A: Well, where I'm from, we go out to the movies, or out to eat, bowling, horseback riding... you know, things like that.

Me: We did have a bowling alley for a long time, but eventually it got shut down. And horseback riding? There's an alternative way to making a girl's crotch sore.

A: *Blushing*

*Cue phone ringing*

Then he wandered off and I finished up work and left around 10:30pm.

Today he said that he didn't sleep well because he was up half the night thinking about me. It's kind of cute... but he IS 34 years old. Not married, no children, got on the pipeline for the good money and chance to travel - had never been out of Texas before now. Is hating our winter, got a tattoo on his hand when he was "young and dumb." He seems like a nice enough guy, on the shy side, but with those dark good looks that make you wonder why on earth he's shy. Thick, dark, hair, chocolate brown eyes, long eyelashes, great mouth, nice hands. I'd totally jump him except I'm currently abstinent - TRYING to be a good girl here. I don't know why I can't be among the world's population of women that are able to have guilt-free sex.

I've had sex, then I had the guilt. Then the worry and fear, and then finally the giddy relief that comes when your period starts and you can say, "thank you, GOD! I am not pregnant!" I figure you only get so many "free passes" before you wind up with an unexpected pregnancy or much worse. Best not to tempt fate - especially when my family is as fertile as we are: my sister got pregnant while on three forms of birth control, my mom got pregnant with all three of us while on birth control, yeah - for some reason, it's just not that effective with us. I want children, but I want to be READY for them first of all and I'd really like to be married too...

I don't know. I guess I just don't see the point in having meaningless sex with someone. Why not wait until you are with someone that you truly care about and vice versa? Any kind of sexual activity is ALWAYS better when there are emotional feelings involved. Although there is something to be said for "the other side" too. I guess I have some conflicting emotions about all of it. About the girl I was and the woman I am now. About my convictions based on experience and my own sex drive or appetite or whatever you want to call it.

I just got off the phone with my other best friend, Erin. We talked for quite a while and she told me that Ex-A has married his gummy granny of a girlfriend. I say this because she is missing teeth and is 14 years older than him. So much for all of his bullshit lines of "I'm just really committed to my work right now" and all the other excuses he gave. And that's the bottom freakin' line right there: they were all just EXCUSES. Just like every other "relationship" I've been in - it's not that they are married to their work or don't have time for a committed relationship. It's simply because I am not good enough. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would be proud to bring home to his parents or introduce to his friends. I'm the dirty little secret that they're attracted to but afraid to admit it to the world. So I confuse sex with genuine caring and affection and maybe the possibility of growing feelings. I substitute love for midnight lust.

Maybe that's why I am so leery of sex or intimacy of any kind with a man at this point. Maybe that's why I've shied away from all of it.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm some addict to emotional S&M.

Well, whatever the case - I think I'm going to ignore it for now until I feel more ready to tackle the root problem and deal with it. At this point, I've got too much energy and attention invested in getting my butt down to GJ, getting a job and a place to live, and all that entails.

For now, I've got fifteen minutes till I am off of work and I need to delete history/cookies and tie up loose ends. If there isn't an entry from me over the next few days, it's because I am out of town and I will update when I get back! And, of course, catch up on all of your blogs :).

A lil bit of everything. Surprising? Nope!

I went out of town today to Rxxxx to do some grocery shopping for my mom. She doesn't like doing it, I do, so we compromise: I do the grocery shopping and she fills up my gas tank. It's really a win-win situation. Go me!

My sister is at some posh hotel somewhere in Oklahoma City at the moment. Apparently, at the last minute, Jimmy's multi-millionaire boss decided they were going to drive to Florida as the airline wouldn't let him bring his tools. In post-911 America, who would have thunk such a thing?! Anyway, they're driving in a very big truck - the license plate number of said truck texted to me by my sister, per my request. She's with Jimmy, his boss is dating his mother - someone we've known a VERY long time, and he seemed very nice. I really don't think there's anything to worry about at all, but it seemed like a good idea anyway. Jimmy and his boss are going to be installing fiber-optic lines for something or other at the military base in Jacksonville, Florida. Ashley is way excited about getting to go onto an actual military base, taking a tour, and doing... whatever it is that you do on a military base. But I think laying out on the beach and doing all of those beach activities far eclipses it.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous. I'm glad that she gets to have a vacation, let go of her cares for a while, relax, and enjoy herself.

But you have no idea how much I want that, too.

I've been trying to remember the last time I had a vacation and I would have to say it was between 3 and 4 years ago. The most "logical" option for me taking a vacation at this point would be to go to California and stay with relatives. Which, really, that isn't my idea of a break. That is my idea of hell on earth! Don't get me wrong... I love my extended family, I just don't like them very much. Plus, I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before and be able to enjoy it by myself! I don't want to have anyone around that I know and thus have expectations on me; I want to be completely free to do whatever I feel like. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...

It would be really cool to go to Fort Bragg, California again - home to the famous Glass Beach. I got to go once when I was 19 and had decided to go travel around California. I agreed to make the four hour drive there from Oroville with my cousin Sarah - she made it sound like it was going to be just the two of us and we'd hang out at the beach all day and have a ton of fun.

Uhm... soooooo not what happened.

At that point in her life, she was still hiding her relationship with Shawnte (given the fact that my Uncle Duane - her dad - was a racist at this time) and she wanted to be able to spend the night with him and go do something without having to sneak around. I wasn't thrilled about it, but whatever, we could still go and I'd just write in my paper journal and find ways to keep myself entertained. But THEN, Shawnte took it upon himself to invite his friend Tyler. Oh, just thinking about him gets my blood to boiling all over again - I seriously HATED this guy. I have never before and never since wanted to smother someone in their sleep as badly as I did him. He was a completely rude, arrogant, ASSHOLE.

When we took this trip, I wasn't into smoking weed (and even when I was, I have NEVER been into smoking weed while driving) but they all were. Sarah, Shawnte, and Tyler lit up right after we got out of city limits. Tyler also brought his dog with him; a hideous, slobbering, pug dog. I opened my window so I could breathe and not get high, which pissed all of them off. They told me to close up the window, I refused, and Tyler made the remark that, "my dog has more class than you." Right then... it was on. I don't remember a whole lot about that trip other than being completely pissed and totally disgusted at all of them. The weed, the fact that neither Shawnte nor Tyler brought ANY money and just EXPECTED us to pay for everything - then never once said thank you... oh yeah, I was ready to kill by the time we got home. Plus, Sarah put me into the position of lying to her parents about who was with us and what we were doing which I wasn't happy about.

HOWEVER. I did get to gather up a bunch of that polished glass from the beach, I did get to write while watching the waves crashing in from the shore, and I called Teresa up so she could hear the ocean which she totally appreciated.

Needless to say: IF I do get to go again, I refuse to have a trip like that ever again. Although things would be different (I'd hope) given the fact that Sarah and Shawnte are engaged and living together, they have an eight month old baby girl, both of her parents have accepted him as their son (in-law), and that Mo-Fo, Tyler, moved to Salt Lake City with his parents the last I heard. Kind of poetic justice to my way of thinking. Porn isn't legal there and it's one of the most "religious orientated" states in the US. I hope he gets caught peddling his drugs and gets sent to prison where Bubba makes him his bitch. Is that harsh? Maybe so. But I cannot begin to explain to you how much of a nasty, spiteful, jerk this guy is.

Hmm, anyway. Got off track a bit, I think.

It's definitely time to start planning a way that I can sneak off for a week or two and get away from everything for a little bit.

I've got some big decisions coming up that need to be made and I think a little perspective might be nice.

1. Do I get a job at the hospital here, stay on for 4 - 6 months, then quit, and move elsewhere to finish my schooling and all that?
2. Or should I just make this a "clean break," take my income tax money and last paycheck to put up for rent on a place in GJ and get a job there?

Branching off from those decisions, there are other questions flooding my mind.

1. How am I going to handle moving away from home again after being back for almost 2 years?
2. Why do I feel... almost scared... to go out there on my own again? I've done this before and have never had a moment's hesitation and yet, here I am, trembling on the inside at the thought of it.
3. Do I really want to move back to GJ or should I just take a leap of faith and go to Washington or Oklahoma? Those are the other two "places of interest" that I've been exploring.
4. Don't I need to be here to help my sister through the "sobering up" process?
5. What's the smartest, wisest, choice? How do I even know what my heart is telling me to do when everything seems like it's a great, big, swirling, ball of black!?

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am really not looking forward to it. I can only imagine the drama and rumors that have been circulating while I've been gone. G has been calling me every night, an average of 5-6 times, with questions and I casually ask if she's heard my name mentioned lately. She just giggles nervously and says, "no" but I'm calling bullshit on that one. I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I think... I'll have to double-check the schedule. But after that, G works her normal weekend and I won't have to go back except to pick up my check. I am praying that there is no crap splatters on me by the time it's all said and done. For some reason, I'm thinking that may be wishful thinking; probably just because I know how the people are that work there. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed though!

I wonder if all those old sayings are true. Like... "if your nose keeps itching, someone is talking about you." "If someone keeps popping into your brain for no reason, that person is thinking of you." All of those old sayings.

I seen Adam the other night at the S/O when I went in to see Teresa. As he had been switched to days and it was about 10:30pm, I really wasn't expecting to see him and it kind of felt like someone punched me in the gut for a minute. My heart thudded into my stomach and my legs suddenly felt like rubber - I am blaming it on the "flight or fight" response that your body automatically has. Mostly because my first thought after, "what in the hell is HE doing here?!" was "he looks like shit and someone needs to tell him to cut his hair, it looks ridiculous." While I waited for Teresa to get her jacket, smokes, and give last minute instructions to her current trainee, I watched Adam out of the corner of my eye watching me. I met his glance briefly one time and he smiled at me, but my lips felt frozen and really couldn't do more than slightly lift in acknowledgment before I looked away.

I cried on my way home today because I remembered that from the other night. I had been trying to just push it out of my head and not think about it. But today, it all caught up to me and I just kept thinking, "how could you have done that to me? WHY would anyone do something like that?!" And of course, my thoughts had to take me down memory lane for a while but I eventually got a grip on myself and wiped away the last few stray tears. I don't know why we women cry over men - especially when they're not even worth it in the first place!

Does anyone else read Post Secret? That is seriously the first thing I do every Sunday morning is check that site. I've been considering sending one in for a really long time, but first of all, I don't have that many secrets that relate to only me. And the ones I do have, I don't talk about - even if it is anonymously. I have a TON of secrets from other people, but I wouldn't feel right exposing someone else's secret and I'm pretty sure you have to send one of your OWN in, in the first place. However, today as I was rocking out to my very loud music, singing along with the ones I knew... it hit me. This is what I need to send in:

"When I am driving by myself, I like to turn my music up and sing along... pretending that I'm an American Idol contestant."

I know, I know... I'm totally weird. But as soon as that thought hit me, I started laughing because I really do this. Complete with hearing Simon Cowell criticising me when a note goes higher or lower than I can or mess up the words. I am infamous for doing this. I tend to be singing along and then throw in lyrics from other songs and make it up if I don't know part of it. It drives my sister crazy, my mom laughs at me, and my dad just shakes his head with a small smile. I don't know if anyone has seen this commercial, but there's a new cell phone commercial out with two kids singing along to music they have on their phone. Then the one kid goes, "did they say Rock the Cat Box?" *cue both of them listening carefully* After agreeing that that is what they are singing, both of them just start rockin' out, singing, "ROCK THE CAT BOX! ROCK THE CAT BOX!" My family has dedicated that commercial to yours truly.

What can I say? I'm a total nerd.

I have not had sex in a couple of months and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to remember why I decided to become a "born again virgin." I have been having extremely sexually explicit dreams as of late - the details I'll leave out from here - which wake me up at all hours of the night. I have to open a window and get a drink of water so I can settle down enough to go back to sleep. Is this your body's way of demanding sex? Or is it simply releasing all that sexual energy that gets stored? Now I can finally understand why all my friends in high school would giggle when anyone quipped, "once you're popped, you can't stop!" And things similar to that. It's times like these when I want to kick my own ass - I waited till I was 21 - far longer than what is considered normal in today's day and age. And back in the day, I would have been married with a couple of kids by now or deemed a "spinster." So really, any way you look at it, I did pretty good. I really don't know why I didn't wait until I got married though. At least then, you can have sex whenever you want it without the fear in the back of your mind. Will the condom break? Does this guy have some kind of STD? Sure, 85% of all STD's are curable, but what about that other 15%!? Oh my God... what if I get pregnant and have to admit it was a one-night stand? What if this guy is a FREAK and he pulls out a whip? Or he's into things that are way scarier than that?

Oh yeah. The fear. That would be why I decided not to follow in the footsteps of my classmates and become a promiscuous whore, sleeping with anyone that looks my way twice.

Sigh. I guess I either need to find a serious, committed, loving, boyfriend, STAT! Or I'm just going to have to deal with the dreams. Too bad vibrators don't come with warranties!

Sorry if that's TMI for anyone.

I think I've rambled on long enough now and I need to get some sleep since I have to go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should wear the cross necklace my dad bought me for Christmas - if Karen and I get into it, I can just whip it out and press it against her forehead. End of argument. Or maybe just flick some holy water on her? Crap. That's for vampires, isn't it? Oh well, it could have been a good idea!

We need more updating, people. Do any of you have any idea how many times I blog-stalk all you a day? Hehe. Great. I guess this means I'm going to have to go read some google news or something now before I fall asleep. Hope everyone is well! :)

The Aftermath of Sister Drama

I hate getting mad. I truly, truly, do. When I get angry, one of two things happens when it's unleashed: a) I have diarrhea of the mouth and I say really, really, mean things. I go off on whomever the unlucky person may be and then later, after I've cooled off, I have horrible guilt. So then I have to go to that person, even if I was justified in being mad at them, and apologize because I feel THAT bad. Or b) I am so angry that I start crying when I try to talk about it. I get that "frog in the throat" feeling and it's hard for me to force words out.

Which is why in the past when I've gotten mad, my temper goes icy. I shut up and close everybody off because I don't want to hurt them by telling them all the mean, nasty, thoughts that are running through my head - regardless of whether or not they are true.

I think I may be getting a little bit more mature in how I handle temper. Shocking, I know!

I've discovered just in the past couple of weeks, that when you tactfully and respectfully say what is on your mind, right then and there, deal with whatever the situation is as it happens... then you don't let feelings build up. They don't keep piling and piling and making you feel like crap because you never speak your mind. When you don't do these things, it makes you angry and snappy and not very fun to be around.

I've been employing this method of dealing with things and so far, it's really been working. Once I say what is on my mind and deal with it, then I let it go and it's done. The other people involved can do or say or think whatever it is that they want to; it may still affect me in certain cases, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I've said whatever I had to say.

My sister didn't come home for a few hours today after the lunch fiasco. So when she did come home, I told her that we needed to talk. She promptly said, "no! Not right now!" I said, "yes, Ashley! Right now! You've had your way with when and where and everything else for talks the last few days, now it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say."

I was perfectly prepared to be calm and nice, but the way she snapped at me made me want to snap back a bit. What can I say? I'm only human. Needless to say, she didn't sit down, but she did put her hands on her hips, look at me, and say, "WHAT?!"

I told her that she really hurt my feelings and pissed me off today by immediately swallowing everything they said to her, hook, line, and sinker.

"You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt or ASK if any of it was true. You automatically assumed that it was and you tore into me for it. Through the last few years, all the absolute CRAP that you have done, I have stood by you. I have supported you and I've given you the benefit of the doubt no matter what my gut instincts were saying. And you couldn't even be bothered to extend that same courtesy to me today! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

Then I started crying because I was so pissed and so hurt and well, I guess I'm just a big weenie.

She said that she was upset because what she told me about using Meth again was in confidence.

I said, "Ashley, every single person you worked with already knows that you were using! Get out of that selfish mind-set where you think that it was some big secret and it doesn't affect anyone but you. Because it affects everyone around you as well!"

I reminded her that I had told her and our mom that very night what I had said to Kathern (about how I firmly believed that partial responsibility for my sister using again was in Karen's lap) and she had known that I had talked to her about it. I told her that she had every right to expect and depend on her family's support and love. That for too long, no one has taken a stand against Karen and what she's doing - we had thought Ashley was staying clean, doing good, and that there was no issues with drugs. I said, "Sissy, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt you or embarass you or make this harder than it is. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything and if you're not going to stand for your family, then what will you stand for? In my mind, I was defending you and calling them on their shit - not breaking a confidence."

I was still bawling and shaking from the surpressed emotion finally having a release; but I noticed that her stance was different. She wasn't defensive or angry anymore. Instead, she looked like maybe she was understanding a little bit.

She apologized for assuming the worst and for her behavior. I apologized for breaking her confidence, even though that wasn't what I had meant to do.

We hugged and I just told her, "Ashley, I love you with all my heart and I would NEVER intentionally hurt you... please just know that." She said she did and that she loves me too... then left to go clean out her car.

I've passed the icy temper and part B of what I do when I get angry. But I can feel this rage just simmering inside whenever I start thinking about Karen and Kathern and everything it implies - the lies, gossip, rumors, innuendos... general pot stirring. On top of which, if Karen wants to do dope in her personal life. Well, she is a free adult and she's more than welcome to ruin her own life. But how dare she pull my sister into it and then try and start even more shit because she thinks she's been "ratted out."

To be honest, I'm a little scared to go into work because if one wrong button is pushed or one wrong look given, I'm liable to go off and tell them to take their two weeks notice and shove it up their ass.

Not a very Christian attitude to have, I know. And I'm really praying about it and trying to get it under control. It's just hard to do because every time I start thinking about it, violent thoughts come to mind. Like grabbing that skinny little bitch by the back of her hair and kicking her in the twat. The truth is coming out in bits and pieces. The more I found out, the more firmly I feel Karen helped rob my sister of the innocence of teenagehood. Not quite the level of innocence of a child; but you still have a large piece of it when you grow up in a small town and are raised the way we were. Raised to believe that most people are good and kind. There are things you should NOT be subject to as a child or as a teenager. In an ideal, perfect world, you wouldn't be. I know that's not the way it always works, but I wish that it was so. I wish your eyes didn't have to be opened to how absolutely evil people can be, to the lengths they will go to keep their secrets protected, that their trust in the goodness of humanity didn't have to be slowly removed so that you don't wind up dead by your own naivety.

Because no matter what, there is always going to be bad and evil and mean, spiteful people out there. We didn't ask for it, but we do have to deal with it.

Just for the record: I sincerely hope that no one reading this is blaming my parents for this. You cannot protect your children from everything out there - especially when that child is not being honest with you. We were all living in a world of oblivion because we didn't know. Since we do now, it's being corrected and a meeting with the owners of the Hotel & Cafe is not a far-fetched idea.

We all have choices in this world. It's amazing to me the ripple effect that one choice can make.

My brother chose to go to work that morning, March 23, 2005, as he was earning money to move to Utah and go to work for the oil fields. He was being responsible even though he didn't really want to be. And that one choice has forever changed everything. When he fell off the back of that trash truck that day and was immediately killed... it altered the course of everyone's life that loves him. It stole his life at the tender age of 18. There is not a single area of life that that one day hasn't touched. For any of us.

Ashley, for all of her bad choices, is a good girl. At 17 years of age, she lost a baby, she lost her brother/best friend, and because the love of her life was driving the trash truck that day and he literally just lost his mind for a while, she lost him too. They were going to get married after she graduated in May; just two short months away. They both had big dreams, big plans, and an even bigger love for one another. Then it was stripped away, in less than a second. My brother was 6'1 and they estimated the trash truck was backing up at 7.5 feet per second. Literally, in less than a second Matt was gone and life was changed. But Ashley's life has had the biggest impact. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and while she was doing great for about a year and a half, things close in on you. You can only run so far, so fast... and in the end, you still have to deal with yourself and the things that have happened. Ashley wasn't running fast enough so she started using drugs in an attempt to not FEEL anything.

It's not right and I don't condone the way she has handled that part of it. But I do understand. I'm hoping that anyone reading this does too, or at least tries to put themselves in her shoes and imagine what it's been like, before judging.

Her path to sobriety is going to include counseling. There are issues that have yet to be dealt with and they need to be if she's going to have a chance of staying clean. There will be ups and downs and we'll all struggle along with her. In different ways for different things, but we'll be walking alongside her. It won't be easy and there will be days that I am ready to just kick her ass I'm sure... but when it's all said and done at the end of the day. My family loves one another. We've been through hell and back as a family and as individuals. Between my brother's past of mental illness (though the psychologist said that he had outgrown it, relating the cause as getting out of puberty, there was still six years of hell there), my brother's death, the loss Ashley has had to endure, the emotional and mental abuse Ashley went through from Pete (her ex-boyfriend) after the accident when he just lost it, to helping one another with our grief... and just things that happen in life, period. The bonds that hold us together have proven strong and steadfast in the face of adversity, trials, tribulations, and the odds stacked against us.

The odds say that my parents should be divorced by now after going through everything that they have. The odds say a lot. And time and time again, we've defeated the odds, with God on our side. I have to believe that this time will be no different.

And by communicating, no matter how hard it is at times, working to control tempers, remembering to laugh and focus on all the blessings, and keeping our eyes firmly focused on God... we'll get through this too.

I think I've babbled on long enough and said probably more than I should have. Definitely more than I meant to. But this IS my journal and the only place I can be completely honest at soooo...c'est la vi.

I'm going out to Teresa's house now for tacos and a movie. I hope all of you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night depending on where you're at in the world! :)

More Drama... greattttttt!

I seriously just want to go far, far, away and somehow, have the ability to relax and forget everything except working on a tan, the warmth of the sun, how cute the cabana boy is, and how yummy the Sangri is.

Yesterday, Karen aka TweakerBoss, called my mom and started accusing my sister and I of "ratting her out." My mom was like, "Uhm, Karen... we have known for a longgggggggg time that you're a Meth-head, my girls didn't have to say a thing to us for that fact to be known." So Karen tells her how mad that makes her that she would think that and tells my mom that she's going to the hospital RIGHT NOW to get a blood test and she'll bring her the results of it! Then said "BYE!" and hung up.

Other than that, it was a pretty peaceful, lazy, day. I watched the State of the Union address in the afternoon on my computer and it put me to sleep. I wanted to gag at all the phoniness of it. I mean, really, they're all sitting (then standing and clapping) for a President that they don't support. Acting like they're hanging on to his every word - which I'm sure they were, as all the key Democrats had statements prepared almost directly after the President's speech, shooting down everything he said and criticising him. It kind of feels like the whole thing is just a big mockery and, well, it pretty much has become that.

Anyway.

Today is starting off on the same foot as the day before yesterday as far as drama goes. I knew that shit would be hitting the fan when I told Karen that I wasn't taking sides. When I made it clear to Kathern how I felt - she was told the same thing that I wrote in my journal; about how I felt part of the responsibility for Ashley using again was in her lap because of what she did.

Well, my parents and Ashley just went to the Cafe for lunch and she called me, completely pissed. I guess Karen is really up in arms, paranoid, and probably a little freaked that both of us have/are quitting and that we've seen so much. She's got all of her employees up in arms for her and I guess Kathern just told Ashley a bunch of stuff.

Apparently, I told EVERYONE at the Cafe about how Ashley came clean about her drug use. Ashley, solely, is responsible for dragging Karen down. That we've been talking so much crap about her that it's really getting around. There were many different things, but I couldn't get a whole lot between Ashley yelling and telling me how I was "ruining her life." Which just felt absolutely great!

I can't believe she's buying into the lies, gossip, and rumors that are circulating over there, caused by evil people who have hidden agendas.

I don't have the energy for this, I really don't. Ashley snapped, "we'll talk when I get home" before hanging up on me, but I don't think that's a very good idea AT ALL.

First of all, I'm really pissed over the entire situation. Secondly, when someone hangs up on me, it just infuriates me! There are few things more rude than doing that and she knows I detest it. Obviously she's already made up her mind that I'm ruining her life and causing all this drama for her and I doubt she's going to listen to what I have to say.

I do believe I'm going to go get a shower and take off for the afternoon. I don't want any ugly arguments or dramatic scenes. Normally, I'd be marching right off to the Cafe to have it all out with Kathern and anyone else that wants to throw some shit around. But I am just... over the drama of that place. It literally makes me feel sick. I'mt tired of confrontations and "talks" and drama and stress and ALL of it.

I want a vacation somewhere warm and sunny and by myself. Where there are no expectations on me, except the ones I put there. I really feel like I just need to get away for a while - but that's just not an option at this point. And since there are no black holes that can swallow me up or sand I can stick my head in, I'm just going to have to keep walkin' along and see where it leads me. If anyone ever came up with a magical formula where all you have to do is drink a teaspoon and you get a Break From Your Life - they could make a fortune on E-Bay!

Time to go get a shower and pray for patience and wisdom so I don't end up boxing my sister's ears and going off on a rampage. That really wouldn't be very pretty.

By the way, I had the weirdest dream EVER last night. I was getting married but I had red wedding dress shoes - which were flip-flops, thongs, whatever you wanna call them. And then they were left at the top of the closet and when it was time for the wedding, I was freaking out because I couldn't find my shoes. Weird, huh?

Ready, Set, DRAMA!

Brace yourselves for a long entry, Dear Readers. Sorry - couldn't be helped.

I cannot believe the amount of absolute drama that happened today. It has seriously been one of the worst days I can remember in quite a while.

Ashley and my parents talked last night while I was at work and Ashley told me she had to talk to me today.

This morning, she told me what had been discussed last night. She told me that we had been right, she was using Meth again and that she needed help. That she's taken the first step by admitting that she has a problem and that she's sorry. She said telling me was harder than telling mom and dad. Before we started our chat, she had asked me to please not say anything until she was done talking and I had agreed. Ashley went on to tell me about a lot of different things; why she wasn't coming home, how ashamed she was, etc.

I stayed quiet until the end and then I looked her right in the eye and said, "you know I'm going to have some very hard questions for you now, don't you?" Tears were sliding silently down her cheeks and she simply said, "yes."

I asked her why it was harder for her to tell me than our parents. She said that it was because of how our relationship is right now and that she knows it's her fault and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face.

I told her that it wasn't ALL her fault; a relationship takes two people, no matter what kind it is. That there were situations I could have handled better, things I've said that I probably shouldn't have, or at least came up with a better way of saying. That up until about a week or week and a half ago, that I had been very angry with her and that I had been lashing out instead of showing her unconditional love. I didn't show her very much love, only my anger and frustration. I said that it was her fault for starting to use drugs again, but that at least she was starting to take responsibility for her actions.

I also told her that I love her with all my heart. And that I would do whatever it took to help her. But that there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do until she decided that she, and her future, were worth fighting for. That until she decided to fight for herself, no one else could do a damn thing to help. I said that there are consequences for every action, be it good or be it bad, and that one of the consequences from this is a lack of trust and that she has forgone the benefit of the doubt. I told her that I didn't understand how she could turn to drugs, when she was raised by the same people as I was. We both grew up listening to the horror stories of my parent's drug years. We both always knew that we were loved and that our parents are proud of us. That she knows the devastation Meth wreaks on not only everyone around her, but on herself and that I just. could not. understand. why.

I told her that she was going to have a long, hard, road ahead of her - both physically and mentally and emotionally. That she has her family's 110% love and support. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. However, she is going to have to earn our trust back because of all the lying - regardless of the fact that Meth makes you lie. And that she was going to have to do it with her actions, because words, in this case, don't mean anything.

Then I gave her a hug and I made sure she knew that I was glad she had told the truth and was reaching out for help. I made sure she knows how much I love her and that I'll do whatever I can to be there for her and help her through this.

It's one thing to have suspicions, gut feelings, and bits and pieces of information that seem to point to someone you love destroying themselves and their lives. It's a whole other thing to have those suspicions and gut feelings confirmed; the bits and pieces of information filled in to make a whole picture that you can see clearly.

My baby sister has a hard road ahead of her if she is going to stay clean, sober, and have her future mimic her - bright and beautiful.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know if she's going to get into a rehab program, get counseling, see a doctor. All these options were discussed with her; I don't even think she knows what to do now. All I know is that my heart is aching for her. I want so badly to reach in and tear that addiction right out of her so that it is never a problem for her again. I want so bad to ease her suffering... and yet, I feel like maybe that suffering is going to help motivate her to get clean and stay that way. The whole nine yards. I don't know if it will or won't. I also know that I'm so thankful she finally reached out and was able to have the strength and courage and confidence in her family that we wouldn't slam the door on her, so to speak.

I guess we'll just take it one day at a time, watch her carefully, and, if she needs convincing, convince her to get some kind of professional help.

I didn't tell G specifics, only told her that I was dealing with some family issues and asked if she could cover for me for an hour or so. She said it wasn't a problem as she was there packing up Kristin's apartment. Which brings me to the last 10+ hours of drama.

TweakerBoss went off her rocker based on nothing but lies, rumors, and gossip. She kicked Kristin and her husband out of the apartment in the hotel (Kristin was the night manager for the hotel and took care of the phones and those responsibilities in lieu of paying rent). She told them that she would wait for them to get back from Denver so they could pack up their apartment and move.

Instead, while they were still gone, TweakerBoss got an army of her employees and had them pack up the entire place. But it wasn't nice packing. It was throwing everything they owned into boxes and plastic bags and tossing it out into the hall. She gave two of Kristin's $60/piece fleece blankets away. Someone stole a $100+ Kenneth Cole cologne set. Her son stole the comic books from the early 90's that my psycho ex-roommate had bought for her unborn child and made the comment that he was "going to sell them on E-BAY." Her $200 worth of make-up is pretty much trashed from all the broken containers, most of her perfume bottles were broken - it's just disgusting what they did to her.

THEN TweakerBoss tells me all about it when I come into work and says that the cops aren't letting her be there tonight to avoid an altercation. So I have to deal with all of it and not let them take anything that isn't theirs. That I am to notify the police, the bail bondsman, and the assistant manager as soon as they got there. Yeah, basically I get to call the cops on my friend and watch them like they're thieving criminals. I was pretty upset about it.

But then it got worse.

TweakerBoss went home and called me from there. She wanted to make sure that I was going to call the cops because I "seem to be on their side." I said, "uhm, you know what? I'm not taking sides in this." She flips out on me on the phone telling me that "you need to remember who you're working for! You HAVE to take a side in this!" I said, "TweakerBoss, I am not going to take sides and no, I do not HAVE to do so. I will do what you asked me to do given the fact that I am an employee of this hotel, but beyond that, I am not getting involved. This is YOUR drama." She was pretty pissed when she said, "well, I guess I'll just let it slide THIS time." The conversation was ended and ten minutes later, Kathern shows up (one of the assistant managers and one of my old friends from high school).

She tells me that we "have to talk" so we went into the office and closed the door. Before she said anything I said, "let me guess, you're here and we have to talk because TweakerBoss is pissed that I won't take sides in this."

"Wellllllllll... it's about employee loyalty, Amber. We can't have you saying one thing to the cops and us telling them something else. It's a bad reflection on the hotel."

"Well, guess what? I'm doing my duty as an employee of this hotel and I am complying with what she asked me to do as it's not illegal and she is the boss. But on a personal level? Kristin is my friend and I don't turn my back on my friends just because they've fucked up or made some bad choices. I've been getting nothing but heresay, gossip, and rumors for the last few days about all of this and I don't know who or what to believe. Besides that, it's really none of my business and has nothing to do with me. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't care what has they did or didn't do. Bottom line: I'm fulfilling my obligation to this hotel and IF the cops even talk to me, I'll answer truthfully no matter what. I'm not a liar and I won't lie for any of you, no matter who it is. As far as taking sides? I'm not doing it. This is my work for now and Kristin is my friend - I'll do what I have to do for this place and then I'll do what I need to do for a friend in need. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Wellllllllll... yeah... I'll call TweakerBoss and let her know that you weren't talking about picking sides on a work level, that it was a personal level."

"Good. Thank you. You can also let her know that my letter of resignation is on her desk."

If everyone turned their back on their friends just because they've screwed up or made some bad choices, then who in the hell would have any friends in this world? The whole thing was distasteful and foul to me - the entire situation just stunk of lies and hidden agendas. I called the police, the bail bondsman, and Kathern when they arrived - I did what I was told to do as an employee of the hotel. And then I did what I could to support a friend. And if it makes me the "arch rival" of the place and everyone is pissed at me (which that's what the majority of folks are thinking, TweakerBoss is NOT happy with me, and I doubt several others are either) then so be it - fuck all of you. You obviously don't have a clue about loyalty, friendship, and love. And all of you had better remember that what goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. Karma. Whatever you want to call it. Some day, you guys are going to be the ones down and out, with no place to go and every face you look into, an unfriendly one. And I pray that they will remember this day, what they did, how they handled it.

Ugh, I am just so upset about all of this!

Then Kristin tells me about how everyone knows that Chad (Ashley's boyfriend) and TweakerBoss are having an affair. Several things start clicking into place. Like the time Ashley pulled a double to help Chad cook as they were supposed to be very busy and he and TweakerBoss just disappear. Only to call like two hours later saying they were at the bar and wondering if they needed help. How she is always telling them "no kissing!!" and waving her finger in their faces when Ashley would give Chad a kiss at work. How TweakerBoss made a big stink and refused to let Ashley go on the Staff Christmas Party/"Ski Trip." How Chad is the one that called her, told her that "no one wanted her there" then went without her. TweakerBoss's husband did not go on that trip. Then when they all got back, all of a sudden there was no problem with Ashley anymore and everything was hunky-dory. Just a lot of things clicked.

When Ashley was told about this, she immediately got into her car and went up to confront Chad. As soon as she got home, I said, "well?" And she goes, "nope! Nothing was/is going on." I said, "uhm, sis, I'm calling bullshit - but you're the one that has to be the judge of that."

She gave my mom and I a hug, said "I love you guys, I've had enough drama for one night, and I'm going to bed."

So who knows with that?

The whole day has just been filled with stress, drama, anger, and disgust over everything that is happening to Kristin. And confusion, sadness, and a sense of helplessness, but at the same time, an odd kind of relief that the truth is out now and we can do something about it, as far as my sister goes.

I'm so drained in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, physically. I've got a headache from hell and all I really want to do is pop some headache relievers, take a hot bath, and go to bed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that stews on something until I can get it out and I feel like I'm ready to go on a rampage right now. Although it has gotten better since I've already written a short story on this, haha.

Things would be bad enough with what TweakerBoss did to Kristin. But here's the thing:

My brother passed away March 23, 2005. May 4, 2005, the high school did a special memorial assembly for him. A bunch of students had borrowed pictures of Matt and did a powerpoint presentation of his life for us. Then presented our family with the plaque they were hanging in the lobby that has his name, birth, and heaven dates on it, along with his picture. We were all up on the stage, but nobody else felt like they could talk or wanted to, so I had to accept it and give a small speech thanking everyone for what they did. Ashley and I left after that and that's when we ran into my mom's good friend, Judy. She took one look at Ashley and said, "honey... WHAT are you on?!" Ashley started crying and spilled it all, the three of us went to the house and had a sit down with my parents. Since that day, Ashley has been clean up until a couple of months ago. Yes, my sister has choices and she does have to take responsibility for them.

HOWEVER, TweakerBoss is a grown woman of 47. She knows that Ashley has had a problem with Meth in the past. This entire last year and a half, she has had her periodically going to the people she knows has it, to get her speed, coke, or meth - depending on what she wanted. I firmly feel that she is partially responsible for Ashley ending back up at square 1. Who in the fuck does she think she is asking a teenage girl with a known past addiction to score dope for her? Putting her smack dab into the red zone - where a bunch of druggies with more dope than brains - can offer it to her? CONSTANTLY. They all knew she used to do it. Not to mention the fact that when you get drugs for someone, it is considered to be a "rule of thumb" type of thing where you pinch off a bud if it's pot or lay out a line if it's something else for whoever got it for you. How many times was it offered to her before she finally just couldn't ignore the craving and she gave in? How many times can your self-control be pushed to the limit like that before you fall? One of the things you do when you get out of the drug lifestyle is to stay away from that environment. You put distance... a lot of distance... between yourself and the people you used to call friends who are still doing the crap. TweakerBoss took advantage of her authority as her boss and repeatedly put her into the position of having to get her what she wanted or facing the consequences; including termination.

Ashley felt cornered and trapped, like she didn't have a choice. Since she actually quit, she now realizes what a hold that place had on her and how stupid that choice was - she should have told her to take her dope and shove it up her ass, to get it herself. But she's still a teenager who is finding her own voice and is more vulnerable to intimidation tactics by older adults; especially when they're your damn boss!

I'm not exonerating Ashley. I'm just saying that you don't stick a wad of cash into an alcoholic's hand and push them into a bar. They may be able to fight it for a while, but eventually, that cash is going to turn into as many Jack Daniel shots as it can buy and just like that - they're hooked again. You don't stick a wad of cash into a teenage girl's hand, who is a known recovering Meth addict, and send them to get dope for you.

I'm going to do my best to be civil, polite, and professional for my last two weeks of work as I really do need the paycheck. My last day is February 5th. I've already told the owner's assistant about my decision to quit and I spelled it out for him, in no uncertain terms, exactly why I was leaving. I told him I thought it was a load of crap that the owner's knew what was going on, but were turning a blind eye to it. That it was sickening and in my eyes, they were just as guilty for Ashley using again as she is. Paul was pretty upset by the news of what TweakerBoss had been doing and he agreed with me 100% about the owners. He said he would be following in my footsteps soon. He told me that he thought it was commendable that I was taking a stand and that he thought I was doing the right thing. Then he wished me the very best of luck and left.

I had talked to him a couple months ago regarding our manager's behavior and what was going on. He had passed it on to the owners and they did NOTHING.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! The whole thing is just wrong!

In any case, I'll do my best to hold my tongue, but so help me... if she says ONE word to me about any of this and starts coming down on me for something - she is not going to like what I have to say. I am walking a very tight rope with my ability to be civil to her.

I think I'm done. At least for now.

THANK GOD I have the next three days off.

PS: As an addendum to the points made in my previous entry, let's just throw this out there. Women are obviously smarter all the way around; let's break it down into it's most basic elements. What is a man's best friend? His dog, right? Yup. What's a woman's best friend? Here's a clue if you don't know: it sparkles, costs a lot of money, and is usually the favorite choice in an engagement ring. If you picked diamond, you'd be correct. What more proof do you need? Hahahaha! (Please note that I'm merely being facetious as I heard this somewhere and thought it quite funny). Had to add this in after reading/responding to everyone's comments.

Also! My mom's doctor called back and they were able to rule out liver cancer. However, she had to go get more blood taken and if the enzymes are still high, they will have to take a biopsy of the liver to test for auto-immune diseases (not HIV), like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So both good news and some not so good news. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed and keep praying if that's what you do. Thanks!! :)