Monday, January 29, 2007

Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's Off to GJ I Go! (And other tidbits)

It's almost 12:30pm and I just woke up about 45 minutes ago - although my parents (especially my dad) would have a fit if they (he) knew that. I don't really know what's been going on with me lately, but I am tired. The small things just wear me out and I'm kind of wondering if my thyroid hormone is off, but I'm praying that it's not. That would mean a med change and those just absolutely suck; I don't want to have to deal with that in the midst of all this either.

Last night, around 2:00am, I was in that strange half-awake/half-asleep Twilight Zone kind of place. And I remember thinking about the cost of this move, how I'm going to have to play catch up on bills for a month or two, trying to calculate how much money I'll be making as I looked up the average pay for CNA's in the GJ area, and so on. I started having a panic attack thinking about all this responsibility that is on my shoulders. Maybe it's not so much the responsibility that is on my shoulders, but the fact that I HAVE to make a choice - I feel a little trapped. This is why I like keeping a lot of options open and giving myself time to mull it over/prepare for it. But I am kind of jumping right in this time and trusting that things will work themselves out. It's scary! I am wanting to get ahead and not be forever watching my hard-earned paychecks disappear as I pay my bills every month.

I guess it just dawned on me that I am walking into the blind, more or less. I have no job, no savings that is worth mentioning, and I have no apartment down there. It's a bit nerve-wracking when you start looking at what the facts are now, instead of focusing on where you'll be at a few months from now. Plus, I truly hate living alone. I grew up in a busy, busy, busy house. There was always something going on (not neccessarily drama either). My brother and sister were quite the popular ones and always had friends over. I was very involved with academics and school programs - like Student Council. Yeah, I was kind of a dork. But even when I was at home, studying or whatever, there was just movement and noise all the time. That is what I am used to. So when I live on my own, it gets too quiet and it bothers me. It can also be scary at 3am, with strange noises outside and the slightest board creaking.

Yeah, yeah - I'm a big 'fraidy cat! So what? :P

I am considering finding a two bedroom place so that I can get a roommate, someone to share the rent with. While I was drowsy and in the process of falling asleep, I mentally composed this ad: ROOMMATE WANTED. Prefer female. Reasonably clean, quiet. Responsible. No partiers and no psychos. Contact me at xxx.xxx.xxxx for more information.

It could work?

I have to get a shower, get packed, fill up my gas tank, check the air in my tires, etc. before I leave. I'll probably arrive around 4:00 this afternoon, which will give me an evening to spend time with the kids before I start The Job Hunt. I'll pick up a GJ paper before I go so I can look through the job openings and apartments for rent. I'm pretty familiar with the area as I lived down there for a year previously, so I kind of know what areas are safe, which ones are decent, and which ones are a big no-no. If I don't recognize a street or whatever, my aunt and uncle have lived there for nearly 1o years so they'll be able to help.

In the last week or so, I've "found" some really interesting, cool, new people and have added them to the "My Fave Reads" list. Egan, Jedimerc, and I have completely different lives.

Egan is passive-aggressive, bouncing with life and energy, and is always asking questions of people that are designed to open your mind, making you analyze the "why" behind your opinions. He and his wife are expecting their first child and the level of emotion you feel from his words when he writes about his unborn child... well, it's intense and it makes me cry.

Jedimerc is well-traveled, well-educated, divorced, and on a journey to self-understanding. To figuring out his place in this world; where he fits and why. He is a very intense person and his writing reflects this. He's been through a lot and I get the feeling that he's finally starting to pay attention to all of that and letting it make him grow.

And I... well, I'm 22 years old, trying to grow up and be an adult. I'm terrified and confused and excited about all these changes that come with stepping into the adult world and am making my way forward, one step at a time. I get impatient with myself and sometimes have to remember to just slow down and smell the roses.

None of us really have anything in common as far as who we are, other than a shared passion for blogging. But these two men have both lost a brother. Both of them have written about it, at least a small part of it, in this last week and touched something in my heart. I can feel their grief, their pain, the shock that still comes in spite of the reluctant acceptance you gain when you are forced to face reality. So much feeling, so hard to describe. But I know all of it, because it is mine as well. I haven't met anyone IRL or on the net thus far that has lost a brother, with the exception of one kind, older lady who works in the laundry up at the hospital. People try to relate and with the best of intentions, tell you the story of their great-great Uncle Meryl's funeral that they went to when they were eight. They know, and you know, that it doesn't even come close, but you appreciate their effort so you smile, hug them, and say thank you. They walk away with relief and you still feel numb.

I guess I'm just saying that seeing them write about their tragedy, even if only a few short sentences, has helped me in some ways.

I don't feel as alone or isolated. Because even knowing in your head that you aren't the only one that has ever lost a brother, it's different when you're confronted with the reality that countless others have had beloved brothers, whose lives were also ended prematurely. And there are others out there struggling with it; you recognize the struggle and therefore feel a bit of a connection because you relate, you understand.

In any case, they are both wonderful reads - inspiring people that will make you laugh and make you think. I hope they both know that as painful as it is to write about or talk about some days, that by sharing their loss, even in the smallest of ways, it touches people.

I feel inadequate trying to express my feelings on this, but I guess that's the best I can do and I'll leave it at that.

My sister made it safely to Florida and was absolutely thrilled when she texted me to tell me that she was at the beach and LOVING it. She called this morning at not quite 7am and I vaguely remember talking to her. She wanted to talk to mom and I said, "Ashley, it's not even 7am yet - nobody is awake!" To which she immediately got an attitude with. "Well sorrrrryyyyyyy, Amber! I'm at the beach, two hours ahead of you guys and I didn't REALIZE!" "Ashley - drop the damn attitude. I'll have mom call you when she gets up. Have fun, I love you." "I love you too, BYE!"

Teresa has told me that I've been that angsty and attitude-ish when I was 19 (although I don't remember ever being as bad as her), but said that I was also responsible. Something my sister is clearly not.

I love my sister very much, nothing will ever change that. I'd be lying though, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to moving to GJ because I am not going to have to deal with her crap as much. I know that sounds horribly selfish. She can just be very difficult at times; she needs to get her life together. We've given her the options, pointed her in the right direction, and offered to walk the road with her. It's all up to her now and you were all right when you guys said that I can't be responsible for her - I can't. I can be supportive and encouraging, but not responsible. Ashley is so caught up in what she's going through, and has been for a while, that she can't think past that. It's rare that I get anything besides bitter, snappy, angry, etc. from her. Or I say something to hurt her feelings (very easy to do)... or just something. The rare times where we laugh together or spend time with one another and aren't arguing or nit-picking, are times that I treasure. I pray that eventually she's going to grow out of all of it.

Anyway. I was going to do some kind of "ten more things you didn't know about me" but I can't think of anything at the moment. And I really need to get my butt on a move if I am going to ever get out of here.

So take care, fellow bloggers and Dear Readers! I shall be back Thursday night and you can be expecting an update from me then. I'll also be looking forward to catching up on everything I'll be missing with all of you! :) If it wasn't absolutely neccessary, I so would not be going anywhere for four days where I do not have internet access. C'est la vi, I suppose!

Have a great week, everyone!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Making Big Decisions is Becoming a Trend it Seems...

I know I haven't gotten around to responding to your comments and I am sorry; I haven't really been on the computer much in the last 24 hours - shocking, I know! But I'd like to say thanks to all of you who offered up your opinion and advice about the decisions I was struggling with. It helped make up my mind.

I'm leaving for GJ tomorrow for three days to look around for an apartment and put my applications in at the two major hospitals and a few of the nursing homes around there. I have a Plan and if everything goes right, it could be great :).

In the US, when going to college and applying for any kind of financial aid, you HAVE to go by your parent's income until you are 23 years of age. Once you turn 23, then the amount you are awarded via Pell Grants and the like, will be based solely on your income. With how much money my dad makes a year, I am not eligible for any kind of financial assistance. To be perfectly honest, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and doesn't make logical sense when applied to the wannabe-student. But when you think about it from the government's point of view, it makes perfect sense because it is saving THEM money. They know that most late teens/early twenties don't make a lot of money and thus they would have to pay out bookoo dollars to help them get through school. However, if you make them claim their parent's income on top of your own - you stand a higher chance of not making them pay out squat. Well, congratulations goverment, you won this round.

Under my plan; however, they won't win the war... muahaha!

I turn 23 in September. There is a vocational school in GJ that accepts new students in the fall and in the spring. I can use this year to get a place of my own and get settled in, find a church, establish some new friendships and re-establish the distanced ones (from my moving home). I can get a job and put all my extra money toward getting out of debt. I did the math last night and I've got about 20 more months to pay on my car. If I put $2400 extra toward my car this year, I can have it paid off in January - before the school session starts. The program is designed to get nurses trained and out into the workforce. You don't have to do the bullcrap of two years of pre-requisites before you finally are able to start pursuing the classes relevant to your major like you do in college. You pretty much just jump right in. If you go full-time, I think the LPN is 6 months and the RN is 9 months. I'll have to check into that to be sure though. In any case, the expense and time of going through this program is half of what it would be to attend a university or state college. I'm a "get to the point" kind of gal for the most part and I think this is more suited to my personality and head smarts.

You have to be a CNA to even be considered for admission, but I've got that one down sooooo... if I study and get my brain prepped for math again... I think I have a fighting chance of getting in.

Meanwhile, I'll be getting to observe what LPN's and RN's do in a hospital or nursing home setting and will be learning, even as I draw a paycheck. A lot of places are very flexible with your schedule and will even help with tuition expenses if you agree to work for them for a certain amount of time after you graduate.

Regardless of that though, I will be getting quite a bit of training and "hands on" experience. I'll be able to set myself up a little home and, well, build myself a life and career. I'll get that feeling back of being an adult given the fact that I'll be living on my own again, re-establish my independence, and yeah... I'm just bursting with excitement in case you haven't noticed!

It feels like a well-thought out, responsible, mature, plan. At least I hope.

There's still some self-doubt here and a lot of nerves. I'm going to be putting off paying some bills and what-not to get into a place down there. Hopefully I'm only setting myself back a little bit and not digging a financial grave for myself. There's a lot that goes into a big decision like this.

The first time I moved out, it was only five blocks away from my parents. The second time I moved out, I was going to family - bouncing from place to place while I seen a little bit of the world and uh, partied... a lot. The third time I moved out I was going to college and had the security of a dorm and meals that were paid for the year. When I moved out of the dorms and into a duplex down in GJ, I was only there a few months before I moved back onto campus in an apartment with friends. So really, while I've lived alone before and been out of my parent's house - this will be the first time I'm planning on a long-term, setting up residence, actually BEING an adult instead of playing at it.

I feel like I'm taking one more big step into adulthood territory and it's kind of scary. Leaving your security and comfort zone. Maybe I'm just being silly and retarded... I don't know.

In any case, I'm anticipating that by the end of February I should have a job, a house, and be on my way toward complete self-sufficiency.

Which earns both a "yikes!" and a "yay!"

To all (three?) of my Australian Readers: I am so excited!! I was watching season 4 of The Amazing Race last night and the 11th leg of the race was in Brisbane, Australia! Your city is HUGE and completely the opposite of what I was expecting, with maybe the exception of the wide, open, space. It's beautiful, no doubt! I guess seeing the skyscrapers and large hotels and all of that was a bit of a culture shock for this small town girl. Y'all have a lot of kangaroos, too - they're so cute!! In case you're curious, the racers had to go to some famous yacht club; I'm not going to embarrass myself trying to remember how to spell it and what the exact name was given the fact that it was 3:00am while my mom and I were watching this. They also had to go to some sheep-shearing place and dig through a bunch of wool to find the next clue. Then they got to rest at the pit stop on the edge of the Carls (?) Sea - I think they said it was tropical and in the northern part of the country. Anyway, I was just really excited to see a bit of your country. LOVE the accents :) and was way impressed with how friendly everyone is down under. The racers were having to stop and ask questions everywhere and all of them were helpful and nice. If you did that in New York City, New York - you'd be more likely to get robbed, ignored, told to F*#$ off, or something along those lines. Now I REALLY can't wait until I'm rich, possibly famous for my medical skills, and able to visit Australia!

The New A has been hinting around and trying to ask me out for the last couple of days. I think he's fairly shy and every time he's about to get the words out, the phone rings or a customer comes up to the desk or SOMETHING. Maybe this is a kind of serendipity straight from fate? Last night he says, "so uh... uhm... what do you all do around here to go on dates?"

Me: A social life? Dating? What's that?

A: Well, where I'm from, we go out to the movies, or out to eat, bowling, horseback riding... you know, things like that.

Me: We did have a bowling alley for a long time, but eventually it got shut down. And horseback riding? There's an alternative way to making a girl's crotch sore.

A: *Blushing*

*Cue phone ringing*

Then he wandered off and I finished up work and left around 10:30pm.

Today he said that he didn't sleep well because he was up half the night thinking about me. It's kind of cute... but he IS 34 years old. Not married, no children, got on the pipeline for the good money and chance to travel - had never been out of Texas before now. Is hating our winter, got a tattoo on his hand when he was "young and dumb." He seems like a nice enough guy, on the shy side, but with those dark good looks that make you wonder why on earth he's shy. Thick, dark, hair, chocolate brown eyes, long eyelashes, great mouth, nice hands. I'd totally jump him except I'm currently abstinent - TRYING to be a good girl here. I don't know why I can't be among the world's population of women that are able to have guilt-free sex.

I've had sex, then I had the guilt. Then the worry and fear, and then finally the giddy relief that comes when your period starts and you can say, "thank you, GOD! I am not pregnant!" I figure you only get so many "free passes" before you wind up with an unexpected pregnancy or much worse. Best not to tempt fate - especially when my family is as fertile as we are: my sister got pregnant while on three forms of birth control, my mom got pregnant with all three of us while on birth control, yeah - for some reason, it's just not that effective with us. I want children, but I want to be READY for them first of all and I'd really like to be married too...

I don't know. I guess I just don't see the point in having meaningless sex with someone. Why not wait until you are with someone that you truly care about and vice versa? Any kind of sexual activity is ALWAYS better when there are emotional feelings involved. Although there is something to be said for "the other side" too. I guess I have some conflicting emotions about all of it. About the girl I was and the woman I am now. About my convictions based on experience and my own sex drive or appetite or whatever you want to call it.

I just got off the phone with my other best friend, Erin. We talked for quite a while and she told me that Ex-A has married his gummy granny of a girlfriend. I say this because she is missing teeth and is 14 years older than him. So much for all of his bullshit lines of "I'm just really committed to my work right now" and all the other excuses he gave. And that's the bottom freakin' line right there: they were all just EXCUSES. Just like every other "relationship" I've been in - it's not that they are married to their work or don't have time for a committed relationship. It's simply because I am not good enough. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would be proud to bring home to his parents or introduce to his friends. I'm the dirty little secret that they're attracted to but afraid to admit it to the world. So I confuse sex with genuine caring and affection and maybe the possibility of growing feelings. I substitute love for midnight lust.

Maybe that's why I am so leery of sex or intimacy of any kind with a man at this point. Maybe that's why I've shied away from all of it.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm some addict to emotional S&M.

Well, whatever the case - I think I'm going to ignore it for now until I feel more ready to tackle the root problem and deal with it. At this point, I've got too much energy and attention invested in getting my butt down to GJ, getting a job and a place to live, and all that entails.

For now, I've got fifteen minutes till I am off of work and I need to delete history/cookies and tie up loose ends. If there isn't an entry from me over the next few days, it's because I am out of town and I will update when I get back! And, of course, catch up on all of your blogs :).

Friday, January 26, 2007

A lil bit of everything. Surprising? Nope!

I went out of town today to Rxxxx to do some grocery shopping for my mom. She doesn't like doing it, I do, so we compromise: I do the grocery shopping and she fills up my gas tank. It's really a win-win situation. Go me!

My sister is at some posh hotel somewhere in Oklahoma City at the moment. Apparently, at the last minute, Jimmy's multi-millionaire boss decided they were going to drive to Florida as the airline wouldn't let him bring his tools. In post-911 America, who would have thunk such a thing?! Anyway, they're driving in a very big truck - the license plate number of said truck texted to me by my sister, per my request. She's with Jimmy, his boss is dating his mother - someone we've known a VERY long time, and he seemed very nice. I really don't think there's anything to worry about at all, but it seemed like a good idea anyway. Jimmy and his boss are going to be installing fiber-optic lines for something or other at the military base in Jacksonville, Florida. Ashley is way excited about getting to go onto an actual military base, taking a tour, and doing... whatever it is that you do on a military base. But I think laying out on the beach and doing all of those beach activities far eclipses it.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous. I'm glad that she gets to have a vacation, let go of her cares for a while, relax, and enjoy herself.

But you have no idea how much I want that, too.

I've been trying to remember the last time I had a vacation and I would have to say it was between 3 and 4 years ago. The most "logical" option for me taking a vacation at this point would be to go to California and stay with relatives. Which, really, that isn't my idea of a break. That is my idea of hell on earth! Don't get me wrong... I love my extended family, I just don't like them very much. Plus, I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before and be able to enjoy it by myself! I don't want to have anyone around that I know and thus have expectations on me; I want to be completely free to do whatever I feel like. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...

It would be really cool to go to Fort Bragg, California again - home to the famous Glass Beach. I got to go once when I was 19 and had decided to go travel around California. I agreed to make the four hour drive there from Oroville with my cousin Sarah - she made it sound like it was going to be just the two of us and we'd hang out at the beach all day and have a ton of fun.

Uhm... soooooo not what happened.

At that point in her life, she was still hiding her relationship with Shawnte (given the fact that my Uncle Duane - her dad - was a racist at this time) and she wanted to be able to spend the night with him and go do something without having to sneak around. I wasn't thrilled about it, but whatever, we could still go and I'd just write in my paper journal and find ways to keep myself entertained. But THEN, Shawnte took it upon himself to invite his friend Tyler. Oh, just thinking about him gets my blood to boiling all over again - I seriously HATED this guy. I have never before and never since wanted to smother someone in their sleep as badly as I did him. He was a completely rude, arrogant, ASSHOLE.

When we took this trip, I wasn't into smoking weed (and even when I was, I have NEVER been into smoking weed while driving) but they all were. Sarah, Shawnte, and Tyler lit up right after we got out of city limits. Tyler also brought his dog with him; a hideous, slobbering, pug dog. I opened my window so I could breathe and not get high, which pissed all of them off. They told me to close up the window, I refused, and Tyler made the remark that, "my dog has more class than you." Right then... it was on. I don't remember a whole lot about that trip other than being completely pissed and totally disgusted at all of them. The weed, the fact that neither Shawnte nor Tyler brought ANY money and just EXPECTED us to pay for everything - then never once said thank you... oh yeah, I was ready to kill by the time we got home. Plus, Sarah put me into the position of lying to her parents about who was with us and what we were doing which I wasn't happy about.

HOWEVER. I did get to gather up a bunch of that polished glass from the beach, I did get to write while watching the waves crashing in from the shore, and I called Teresa up so she could hear the ocean which she totally appreciated.

Needless to say: IF I do get to go again, I refuse to have a trip like that ever again. Although things would be different (I'd hope) given the fact that Sarah and Shawnte are engaged and living together, they have an eight month old baby girl, both of her parents have accepted him as their son (in-law), and that Mo-Fo, Tyler, moved to Salt Lake City with his parents the last I heard. Kind of poetic justice to my way of thinking. Porn isn't legal there and it's one of the most "religious orientated" states in the US. I hope he gets caught peddling his drugs and gets sent to prison where Bubba makes him his bitch. Is that harsh? Maybe so. But I cannot begin to explain to you how much of a nasty, spiteful, jerk this guy is.

Hmm, anyway. Got off track a bit, I think.

It's definitely time to start planning a way that I can sneak off for a week or two and get away from everything for a little bit.

I've got some big decisions coming up that need to be made and I think a little perspective might be nice.

  1. Do I get a job at the hospital here, stay on for 4 - 6 months, then quit, and move elsewhere to finish my schooling and all that?
  2. Or should I just make this a "clean break," take my income tax money and last paycheck to put up for rent on a place in GJ and get a job there?

Branching off from those decisions, there are other questions flooding my mind.

  1. How am I going to handle moving away from home again after being back for almost 2 years?
  2. Why do I feel... almost scared... to go out there on my own again? I've done this before and have never had a moment's hesitation and yet, here I am, trembling on the inside at the thought of it.
  3. Do I really want to move back to GJ or should I just take a leap of faith and go to Washington or Oklahoma? Those are the other two "places of interest" that I've been exploring.
  4. Don't I need to be here to help my sister through the "sobering up" process?
  5. What's the smartest, wisest, choice? How do I even know what my heart is telling me to do when everything seems like it's a great, big, swirling, ball of black!?

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am really not looking forward to it. I can only imagine the drama and rumors that have been circulating while I've been gone. G has been calling me every night, an average of 5-6 times, with questions and I casually ask if she's heard my name mentioned lately. She just giggles nervously and says, "no" but I'm calling bullshit on that one. I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I think... I'll have to double-check the schedule. But after that, G works her normal weekend and I won't have to go back except to pick up my check. I am praying that there is no crap splatters on me by the time it's all said and done. For some reason, I'm thinking that may be wishful thinking; probably just because I know how the people are that work there. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed though!

I wonder if all those old sayings are true. Like... "if your nose keeps itching, someone is talking about you." "If someone keeps popping into your brain for no reason, that person is thinking of you." All of those old sayings.

I seen Adam the other night at the S/O when I went in to see Teresa. As he had been switched to days and it was about 10:30pm, I really wasn't expecting to see him and it kind of felt like someone punched me in the gut for a minute. My heart thudded into my stomach and my legs suddenly felt like rubber - I am blaming it on the "flight or fight" response that your body automatically has. Mostly because my first thought after, "what in the hell is HE doing here?!" was "he looks like shit and someone needs to tell him to cut his hair, it looks ridiculous." While I waited for Teresa to get her jacket, smokes, and give last minute instructions to her current trainee, I watched Adam out of the corner of my eye watching me. I met his glance briefly one time and he smiled at me, but my lips felt frozen and really couldn't do more than slightly lift in acknowledgment before I looked away.

I cried on my way home today because I remembered that from the other night. I had been trying to just push it out of my head and not think about it. But today, it all caught up to me and I just kept thinking, "how could you have done that to me? WHY would anyone do something like that?!" And of course, my thoughts had to take me down memory lane for a while but I eventually got a grip on myself and wiped away the last few stray tears. I don't know why we women cry over men - especially when they're not even worth it in the first place!

Does anyone else read Post Secret? That is seriously the first thing I do every Sunday morning is check that site. I've been considering sending one in for a really long time, but first of all, I don't have that many secrets that relate to only me. And the ones I do have, I don't talk about - even if it is anonymously. I have a TON of secrets from other people, but I wouldn't feel right exposing someone else's secret and I'm pretty sure you have to send one of your OWN in, in the first place. However, today as I was rocking out to my very loud music, singing along with the ones I knew... it hit me. This is what I need to send in:

"When I am driving by myself, I like to turn my music up and sing along... pretending that I'm an American Idol contestant."

I know, I know... I'm totally weird. But as soon as that thought hit me, I started laughing because I really do this. Complete with hearing Simon Cowell criticising me when a note goes higher or lower than I can or mess up the words. I am infamous for doing this. I tend to be singing along and then throw in lyrics from other songs and make it up if I don't know part of it. It drives my sister crazy, my mom laughs at me, and my dad just shakes his head with a small smile. I don't know if anyone has seen this commercial, but there's a new cell phone commercial out with two kids singing along to music they have on their phone. Then the one kid goes, "did they say Rock the Cat Box?" *cue both of them listening carefully* After agreeing that that is what they are singing, both of them just start rockin' out, singing, "ROCK THE CAT BOX! ROCK THE CAT BOX!" My family has dedicated that commercial to yours truly.

What can I say? I'm a total nerd.

I have not had sex in a couple of months and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to remember why I decided to become a "born again virgin." I have been having extremely sexually explicit dreams as of late - the details I'll leave out from here - which wake me up at all hours of the night. I have to open a window and get a drink of water so I can settle down enough to go back to sleep. Is this your body's way of demanding sex? Or is it simply releasing all that sexual energy that gets stored? Now I can finally understand why all my friends in high school would giggle when anyone quipped, "once you're popped, you can't stop!" And things similar to that. It's times like these when I want to kick my own ass - I waited till I was 21 - far longer than what is considered normal in today's day and age. And back in the day, I would have been married with a couple of kids by now or deemed a "spinster." So really, any way you look at it, I did pretty good. I really don't know why I didn't wait until I got married though. At least then, you can have sex whenever you want it without the fear in the back of your mind. Will the condom break? Does this guy have some kind of STD? Sure, 85% of all STD's are curable, but what about that other 15%!? Oh my God... what if I get pregnant and have to admit it was a one-night stand? What if this guy is a FREAK and he pulls out a whip? Or he's into things that are way scarier than that?

Oh yeah. The fear. That would be why I decided not to follow in the footsteps of my classmates and become a promiscuous whore, sleeping with anyone that looks my way twice.

Sigh. I guess I either need to find a serious, committed, loving, boyfriend, STAT! Or I'm just going to have to deal with the dreams. Too bad vibrators don't come with warranties!

Sorry if that's TMI for anyone.

I think I've rambled on long enough now and I need to get some sleep since I have to go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should wear the cross necklace my dad bought me for Christmas - if Karen and I get into it, I can just whip it out and press it against her forehead. End of argument. Or maybe just flick some holy water on her? Crap. That's for vampires, isn't it? Oh well, it could have been a good idea!

We need more updating, people. Do any of you have any idea how many times I blog-stalk all you a day? Hehe. Great. I guess this means I'm going to have to go read some google news or something now before I fall asleep. Hope everyone is well! :)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Aftermath of Sister Drama

I hate getting mad. I truly, truly, do. When I get angry, one of two things happens when it's unleashed: a) I have diarrhea of the mouth and I say really, really, mean things. I go off on whomever the unlucky person may be and then later, after I've cooled off, I have horrible guilt. So then I have to go to that person, even if I was justified in being mad at them, and apologize because I feel THAT bad. Or b) I am so angry that I start crying when I try to talk about it. I get that "frog in the throat" feeling and it's hard for me to force words out.

Which is why in the past when I've gotten mad, my temper goes icy. I shut up and close everybody off because I don't want to hurt them by telling them all the mean, nasty, thoughts that are running through my head - regardless of whether or not they are true.

I think I may be getting a little bit more mature in how I handle temper. Shocking, I know!

I've discovered just in the past couple of weeks, that when you tactfully and respectfully say what is on your mind, right then and there, deal with whatever the situation is as it happens... then you don't let feelings build up. They don't keep piling and piling and making you feel like crap because you never speak your mind. When you don't do these things, it makes you angry and snappy and not very fun to be around.

I've been employing this method of dealing with things and so far, it's really been working. Once I say what is on my mind and deal with it, then I let it go and it's done. The other people involved can do or say or think whatever it is that they want to; it may still affect me in certain cases, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I've said whatever I had to say.

My sister didn't come home for a few hours today after the lunch fiasco. So when she did come home, I told her that we needed to talk. She promptly said, "no! Not right now!" I said, "yes, Ashley! Right now! You've had your way with when and where and everything else for talks the last few days, now it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say."

I was perfectly prepared to be calm and nice, but the way she snapped at me made me want to snap back a bit. What can I say? I'm only human. Needless to say, she didn't sit down, but she did put her hands on her hips, look at me, and say, "WHAT?!"

I told her that she really hurt my feelings and pissed me off today by immediately swallowing everything they said to her, hook, line, and sinker.

"You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt or ASK if any of it was true. You automatically assumed that it was and you tore into me for it. Through the last few years, all the absolute CRAP that you have done, I have stood by you. I have supported you and I've given you the benefit of the doubt no matter what my gut instincts were saying. And you couldn't even be bothered to extend that same courtesy to me today! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

Then I started crying because I was so pissed and so hurt and well, I guess I'm just a big weenie.

She said that she was upset because what she told me about using Meth again was in confidence.

I said, "Ashley, every single person you worked with already knows that you were using! Get out of that selfish mind-set where you think that it was some big secret and it doesn't affect anyone but you. Because it affects everyone around you as well!"

I reminded her that I had told her and our mom that very night what I had said to Kathern (about how I firmly believed that partial responsibility for my sister using again was in Karen's lap) and she had known that I had talked to her about it. I told her that she had every right to expect and depend on her family's support and love. That for too long, no one has taken a stand against Karen and what she's doing - we had thought Ashley was staying clean, doing good, and that there was no issues with drugs. I said, "Sissy, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt you or embarass you or make this harder than it is. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything and if you're not going to stand for your family, then what will you stand for? In my mind, I was defending you and calling them on their shit - not breaking a confidence."

I was still bawling and shaking from the surpressed emotion finally having a release; but I noticed that her stance was different. She wasn't defensive or angry anymore. Instead, she looked like maybe she was understanding a little bit.

She apologized for assuming the worst and for her behavior. I apologized for breaking her confidence, even though that wasn't what I had meant to do.

We hugged and I just told her, "Ashley, I love you with all my heart and I would NEVER intentionally hurt you... please just know that." She said she did and that she loves me too... then left to go clean out her car.

I've passed the icy temper and part B of what I do when I get angry. But I can feel this rage just simmering inside whenever I start thinking about Karen and Kathern and everything it implies - the lies, gossip, rumors, innuendos... general pot stirring. On top of which, if Karen wants to do dope in her personal life. Well, she is a free adult and she's more than welcome to ruin her own life. But how dare she pull my sister into it and then try and start even more shit because she thinks she's been "ratted out."

To be honest, I'm a little scared to go into work because if one wrong button is pushed or one wrong look given, I'm liable to go off and tell them to take their two weeks notice and shove it up their ass.

Not a very Christian attitude to have, I know. And I'm really praying about it and trying to get it under control. It's just hard to do because every time I start thinking about it, violent thoughts come to mind. Like grabbing that skinny little bitch by the back of her hair and kicking her in the twat. The truth is coming out in bits and pieces. The more I found out, the more firmly I feel Karen helped rob my sister of the innocence of teenagehood. Not quite the level of innocence of a child; but you still have a large piece of it when you grow up in a small town and are raised the way we were. Raised to believe that most people are good and kind. There are things you should NOT be subject to as a child or as a teenager. In an ideal, perfect world, you wouldn't be. I know that's not the way it always works, but I wish that it was so. I wish your eyes didn't have to be opened to how absolutely evil people can be, to the lengths they will go to keep their secrets protected, that their trust in the goodness of humanity didn't have to be slowly removed so that you don't wind up dead by your own naivety.

Because no matter what, there is always going to be bad and evil and mean, spiteful people out there. We didn't ask for it, but we do have to deal with it.

Just for the record: I sincerely hope that no one reading this is blaming my parents for this. You cannot protect your children from everything out there - especially when that child is not being honest with you. We were all living in a world of oblivion because we didn't know. Since we do now, it's being corrected and a meeting with the owners of the Hotel & Cafe is not a far-fetched idea.

We all have choices in this world. It's amazing to me the ripple effect that one choice can make.

My brother chose to go to work that morning, March 23, 2005, as he was earning money to move to Utah and go to work for the oil fields. He was being responsible even though he didn't really want to be. And that one choice has forever changed everything. When he fell off the back of that trash truck that day and was immediately killed... it altered the course of everyone's life that loves him. It stole his life at the tender age of 18. There is not a single area of life that that one day hasn't touched. For any of us.

Ashley, for all of her bad choices, is a good girl. At 17 years of age, she lost a baby, she lost her brother/best friend, and because the love of her life was driving the trash truck that day and he literally just lost his mind for a while, she lost him too. They were going to get married after she graduated in May; just two short months away. They both had big dreams, big plans, and an even bigger love for one another. Then it was stripped away, in less than a second. My brother was 6'1 and they estimated the trash truck was backing up at 7.5 feet per second. Literally, in less than a second Matt was gone and life was changed. But Ashley's life has had the biggest impact. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and while she was doing great for about a year and a half, things close in on you. You can only run so far, so fast... and in the end, you still have to deal with yourself and the things that have happened. Ashley wasn't running fast enough so she started using drugs in an attempt to not FEEL anything.

It's not right and I don't condone the way she has handled that part of it. But I do understand. I'm hoping that anyone reading this does too, or at least tries to put themselves in her shoes and imagine what it's been like, before judging.

Her path to sobriety is going to include counseling. There are issues that have yet to be dealt with and they need to be if she's going to have a chance of staying clean. There will be ups and downs and we'll all struggle along with her. In different ways for different things, but we'll be walking alongside her. It won't be easy and there will be days that I am ready to just kick her ass I'm sure... but when it's all said and done at the end of the day. My family loves one another. We've been through hell and back as a family and as individuals. Between my brother's past of mental illness (though the psychologist said that he had outgrown it, relating the cause as getting out of puberty, there was still six years of hell there), my brother's death, the loss Ashley has had to endure, the emotional and mental abuse Ashley went through from Pete (her ex-boyfriend) after the accident when he just lost it, to helping one another with our grief... and just things that happen in life, period. The bonds that hold us together have proven strong and steadfast in the face of adversity, trials, tribulations, and the odds stacked against us.

The odds say that my parents should be divorced by now after going through everything that they have. The odds say a lot. And time and time again, we've defeated the odds, with God on our side. I have to believe that this time will be no different.

And by communicating, no matter how hard it is at times, working to control tempers, remembering to laugh and focus on all the blessings, and keeping our eyes firmly focused on God... we'll get through this too.

I think I've babbled on long enough and said probably more than I should have. Definitely more than I meant to. But this IS my journal and the only place I can be completely honest at soooo...c'est la vi.

I'm going out to Teresa's house now for tacos and a movie. I hope all of you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night depending on where you're at in the world! :)

More Drama... greattttttt!

I seriously just want to go far, far, away and somehow, have the ability to relax and forget everything except working on a tan, the warmth of the sun, how cute the cabana boy is, and how yummy the Sangri is.

Yesterday, Karen aka TweakerBoss, called my mom and started accusing my sister and I of "ratting her out." My mom was like, "Uhm, Karen... we have known for a longgggggggg time that you're a Meth-head, my girls didn't have to say a thing to us for that fact to be known." So Karen tells her how mad that makes her that she would think that and tells my mom that she's going to the hospital RIGHT NOW to get a blood test and she'll bring her the results of it! Then said "BYE!" and hung up.

Other than that, it was a pretty peaceful, lazy, day. I watched the State of the Union address in the afternoon on my computer and it put me to sleep. I wanted to gag at all the phoniness of it. I mean, really, they're all sitting (then standing and clapping) for a President that they don't support. Acting like they're hanging on to his every word - which I'm sure they were, as all the key Democrats had statements prepared almost directly after the President's speech, shooting down everything he said and criticising him. It kind of feels like the whole thing is just a big mockery and, well, it pretty much has become that.

Anyway.

Today is starting off on the same foot as the day before yesterday as far as drama goes. I knew that shit would be hitting the fan when I told Karen that I wasn't taking sides. When I made it clear to Kathern how I felt - she was told the same thing that I wrote in my journal; about how I felt part of the responsibility for Ashley using again was in her lap because of what she did.

Well, my parents and Ashley just went to the Cafe for lunch and she called me, completely pissed. I guess Karen is really up in arms, paranoid, and probably a little freaked that both of us have/are quitting and that we've seen so much. She's got all of her employees up in arms for her and I guess Kathern just told Ashley a bunch of stuff.

Apparently, I told EVERYONE at the Cafe about how Ashley came clean about her drug use. Ashley, solely, is responsible for dragging Karen down. That we've been talking so much crap about her that it's really getting around. There were many different things, but I couldn't get a whole lot between Ashley yelling and telling me how I was "ruining her life." Which just felt absolutely great!

I can't believe she's buying into the lies, gossip, and rumors that are circulating over there, caused by evil people who have hidden agendas.

I don't have the energy for this, I really don't. Ashley snapped, "we'll talk when I get home" before hanging up on me, but I don't think that's a very good idea AT ALL.

First of all, I'm really pissed over the entire situation. Secondly, when someone hangs up on me, it just infuriates me! There are few things more rude than doing that and she knows I detest it. Obviously she's already made up her mind that I'm ruining her life and causing all this drama for her and I doubt she's going to listen to what I have to say.

I do believe I'm going to go get a shower and take off for the afternoon. I don't want any ugly arguments or dramatic scenes. Normally, I'd be marching right off to the Cafe to have it all out with Kathern and anyone else that wants to throw some shit around. But I am just... over the drama of that place. It literally makes me feel sick. I'mt tired of confrontations and "talks" and drama and stress and ALL of it.

I want a vacation somewhere warm and sunny and by myself. Where there are no expectations on me, except the ones I put there. I really feel like I just need to get away for a while - but that's just not an option at this point. And since there are no black holes that can swallow me up or sand I can stick my head in, I'm just going to have to keep walkin' along and see where it leads me. If anyone ever came up with a magical formula where all you have to do is drink a teaspoon and you get a Break From Your Life - they could make a fortune on E-Bay!

Time to go get a shower and pray for patience and wisdom so I don't end up boxing my sister's ears and going off on a rampage. That really wouldn't be very pretty.

By the way, I had the weirdest dream EVER last night. I was getting married but I had red wedding dress shoes - which were flip-flops, thongs, whatever you wanna call them. And then they were left at the top of the closet and when it was time for the wedding, I was freaking out because I couldn't find my shoes. Weird, huh?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Ready, Set, DRAMA!

Brace yourselves for a long entry, Dear Readers. Sorry - couldn't be helped.

I cannot believe the amount of absolute drama that happened today. It has seriously been one of the worst days I can remember in quite a while.

Ashley and my parents talked last night while I was at work and Ashley told me she had to talk to me today.

This morning, she told me what had been discussed last night. She told me that we had been right, she was using Meth again and that she needed help. That she's taken the first step by admitting that she has a problem and that she's sorry. She said telling me was harder than telling mom and dad. Before we started our chat, she had asked me to please not say anything until she was done talking and I had agreed. Ashley went on to tell me about a lot of different things; why she wasn't coming home, how ashamed she was, etc.

I stayed quiet until the end and then I looked her right in the eye and said, "you know I'm going to have some very hard questions for you now, don't you?" Tears were sliding silently down her cheeks and she simply said, "yes."

I asked her why it was harder for her to tell me than our parents. She said that it was because of how our relationship is right now and that she knows it's her fault and she didn't want to see the look of disappointment on my face.

I told her that it wasn't ALL her fault; a relationship takes two people, no matter what kind it is. That there were situations I could have handled better, things I've said that I probably shouldn't have, or at least came up with a better way of saying. That up until about a week or week and a half ago, that I had been very angry with her and that I had been lashing out instead of showing her unconditional love. I didn't show her very much love, only my anger and frustration. I said that it was her fault for starting to use drugs again, but that at least she was starting to take responsibility for her actions.

I also told her that I love her with all my heart. And that I would do whatever it took to help her. But that there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do until she decided that she, and her future, were worth fighting for. That until she decided to fight for herself, no one else could do a damn thing to help. I said that there are consequences for every action, be it good or be it bad, and that one of the consequences from this is a lack of trust and that she has forgone the benefit of the doubt. I told her that I didn't understand how she could turn to drugs, when she was raised by the same people as I was. We both grew up listening to the horror stories of my parent's drug years. We both always knew that we were loved and that our parents are proud of us. That she knows the devastation Meth wreaks on not only everyone around her, but on herself and that I just. could not. understand. why.

I told her that she was going to have a long, hard, road ahead of her - both physically and mentally and emotionally. That she has her family's 110% love and support. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. However, she is going to have to earn our trust back because of all the lying - regardless of the fact that Meth makes you lie. And that she was going to have to do it with her actions, because words, in this case, don't mean anything.

Then I gave her a hug and I made sure she knew that I was glad she had told the truth and was reaching out for help. I made sure she knows how much I love her and that I'll do whatever I can to be there for her and help her through this.

It's one thing to have suspicions, gut feelings, and bits and pieces of information that seem to point to someone you love destroying themselves and their lives. It's a whole other thing to have those suspicions and gut feelings confirmed; the bits and pieces of information filled in to make a whole picture that you can see clearly.

My baby sister has a hard road ahead of her if she is going to stay clean, sober, and have her future mimic her - bright and beautiful.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know if she's going to get into a rehab program, get counseling, see a doctor. All these options were discussed with her; I don't even think she knows what to do now. All I know is that my heart is aching for her. I want so badly to reach in and tear that addiction right out of her so that it is never a problem for her again. I want so bad to ease her suffering... and yet, I feel like maybe that suffering is going to help motivate her to get clean and stay that way. The whole nine yards. I don't know if it will or won't. I also know that I'm so thankful she finally reached out and was able to have the strength and courage and confidence in her family that we wouldn't slam the door on her, so to speak.

I guess we'll just take it one day at a time, watch her carefully, and, if she needs convincing, convince her to get some kind of professional help.

I didn't tell G specifics, only told her that I was dealing with some family issues and asked if she could cover for me for an hour or so. She said it wasn't a problem as she was there packing up Kristin's apartment. Which brings me to the last 10+ hours of drama.

TweakerBoss went off her rocker based on nothing but lies, rumors, and gossip. She kicked Kristin and her husband out of the apartment in the hotel (Kristin was the night manager for the hotel and took care of the phones and those responsibilities in lieu of paying rent). She told them that she would wait for them to get back from Denver so they could pack up their apartment and move.

Instead, while they were still gone, TweakerBoss got an army of her employees and had them pack up the entire place. But it wasn't nice packing. It was throwing everything they owned into boxes and plastic bags and tossing it out into the hall. She gave two of Kristin's $60/piece fleece blankets away. Someone stole a $100+ Kenneth Cole cologne set. Her son stole the comic books from the early 90's that my psycho ex-roommate had bought for her unborn child and made the comment that he was "going to sell them on E-BAY." Her $200 worth of make-up is pretty much trashed from all the broken containers, most of her perfume bottles were broken - it's just disgusting what they did to her.

THEN TweakerBoss tells me all about it when I come into work and says that the cops aren't letting her be there tonight to avoid an altercation. So I have to deal with all of it and not let them take anything that isn't theirs. That I am to notify the police, the bail bondsman, and the assistant manager as soon as they got there. Yeah, basically I get to call the cops on my friend and watch them like they're thieving criminals. I was pretty upset about it.

But then it got worse.

TweakerBoss went home and called me from there. She wanted to make sure that I was going to call the cops because I "seem to be on their side." I said, "uhm, you know what? I'm not taking sides in this." She flips out on me on the phone telling me that "you need to remember who you're working for! You HAVE to take a side in this!" I said, "TweakerBoss, I am not going to take sides and no, I do not HAVE to do so. I will do what you asked me to do given the fact that I am an employee of this hotel, but beyond that, I am not getting involved. This is YOUR drama." She was pretty pissed when she said, "well, I guess I'll just let it slide THIS time." The conversation was ended and ten minutes later, Kathern shows up (one of the assistant managers and one of my old friends from high school).

She tells me that we "have to talk" so we went into the office and closed the door. Before she said anything I said, "let me guess, you're here and we have to talk because TweakerBoss is pissed that I won't take sides in this."

"Wellllllllll... it's about employee loyalty, Amber. We can't have you saying one thing to the cops and us telling them something else. It's a bad reflection on the hotel."

"Well, guess what? I'm doing my duty as an employee of this hotel and I am complying with what she asked me to do as it's not illegal and she is the boss. But on a personal level? Kristin is my friend and I don't turn my back on my friends just because they've fucked up or made some bad choices. I've been getting nothing but heresay, gossip, and rumors for the last few days about all of this and I don't know who or what to believe. Besides that, it's really none of my business and has nothing to do with me. To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't care what has they did or didn't do. Bottom line: I'm fulfilling my obligation to this hotel and IF the cops even talk to me, I'll answer truthfully no matter what. I'm not a liar and I won't lie for any of you, no matter who it is. As far as taking sides? I'm not doing it. This is my work for now and Kristin is my friend - I'll do what I have to do for this place and then I'll do what I need to do for a friend in need. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Wellllllllll... yeah... I'll call TweakerBoss and let her know that you weren't talking about picking sides on a work level, that it was a personal level."

"Good. Thank you. You can also let her know that my letter of resignation is on her desk."

If everyone turned their back on their friends just because they've screwed up or made some bad choices, then who in the hell would have any friends in this world? The whole thing was distasteful and foul to me - the entire situation just stunk of lies and hidden agendas. I called the police, the bail bondsman, and Kathern when they arrived - I did what I was told to do as an employee of the hotel. And then I did what I could to support a friend. And if it makes me the "arch rival" of the place and everyone is pissed at me (which that's what the majority of folks are thinking, TweakerBoss is NOT happy with me, and I doubt several others are either) then so be it - fuck all of you. You obviously don't have a clue about loyalty, friendship, and love. And all of you had better remember that what goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. Karma. Whatever you want to call it. Some day, you guys are going to be the ones down and out, with no place to go and every face you look into, an unfriendly one. And I pray that they will remember this day, what they did, how they handled it.

Ugh, I am just so upset about all of this!

Then Kristin tells me about how everyone knows that Chad (Ashley's boyfriend) and TweakerBoss are having an affair. Several things start clicking into place. Like the time Ashley pulled a double to help Chad cook as they were supposed to be very busy and he and TweakerBoss just disappear. Only to call like two hours later saying they were at the bar and wondering if they needed help. How she is always telling them "no kissing!!" and waving her finger in their faces when Ashley would give Chad a kiss at work. How TweakerBoss made a big stink and refused to let Ashley go on the Staff Christmas Party/"Ski Trip." How Chad is the one that called her, told her that "no one wanted her there" then went without her. TweakerBoss's husband did not go on that trip. Then when they all got back, all of a sudden there was no problem with Ashley anymore and everything was hunky-dory. Just a lot of things clicked.

When Ashley was told about this, she immediately got into her car and went up to confront Chad. As soon as she got home, I said, "well?" And she goes, "nope! Nothing was/is going on." I said, "uhm, sis, I'm calling bullshit - but you're the one that has to be the judge of that."

She gave my mom and I a hug, said "I love you guys, I've had enough drama for one night, and I'm going to bed."

So who knows with that?

The whole day has just been filled with stress, drama, anger, and disgust over everything that is happening to Kristin. And confusion, sadness, and a sense of helplessness, but at the same time, an odd kind of relief that the truth is out now and we can do something about it, as far as my sister goes.

I'm so drained in every possible way - mentally, emotionally, physically. I've got a headache from hell and all I really want to do is pop some headache relievers, take a hot bath, and go to bed. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that stews on something until I can get it out and I feel like I'm ready to go on a rampage right now. Although it has gotten better since I've already written a short story on this, haha.

Things would be bad enough with what TweakerBoss did to Kristin. But here's the thing:

My brother passed away March 23, 2005. May 4, 2005, the high school did a special memorial assembly for him. A bunch of students had borrowed pictures of Matt and did a powerpoint presentation of his life for us. Then presented our family with the plaque they were hanging in the lobby that has his name, birth, and heaven dates on it, along with his picture. We were all up on the stage, but nobody else felt like they could talk or wanted to, so I had to accept it and give a small speech thanking everyone for what they did. Ashley and I left after that and that's when we ran into my mom's good friend, Judy. She took one look at Ashley and said, "honey... WHAT are you on?!" Ashley started crying and spilled it all, the three of us went to the house and had a sit down with my parents. Since that day, Ashley has been clean up until a couple of months ago. Yes, my sister has choices and she does have to take responsibility for them.

HOWEVER, TweakerBoss is a grown woman of 47. She knows that Ashley has had a problem with Meth in the past. This entire last year and a half, she has had her periodically going to the people she knows has it, to get her speed, coke, or meth - depending on what she wanted. I firmly feel that she is partially responsible for Ashley ending back up at square 1. Who in the fuck does she think she is asking a teenage girl with a known past addiction to score dope for her? Putting her smack dab into the red zone - where a bunch of druggies with more dope than brains - can offer it to her? CONSTANTLY. They all knew she used to do it. Not to mention the fact that when you get drugs for someone, it is considered to be a "rule of thumb" type of thing where you pinch off a bud if it's pot or lay out a line if it's something else for whoever got it for you. How many times was it offered to her before she finally just couldn't ignore the craving and she gave in? How many times can your self-control be pushed to the limit like that before you fall? One of the things you do when you get out of the drug lifestyle is to stay away from that environment. You put distance... a lot of distance... between yourself and the people you used to call friends who are still doing the crap. TweakerBoss took advantage of her authority as her boss and repeatedly put her into the position of having to get her what she wanted or facing the consequences; including termination.

Ashley felt cornered and trapped, like she didn't have a choice. Since she actually quit, she now realizes what a hold that place had on her and how stupid that choice was - she should have told her to take her dope and shove it up her ass, to get it herself. But she's still a teenager who is finding her own voice and is more vulnerable to intimidation tactics by older adults; especially when they're your damn boss!

I'm not exonerating Ashley. I'm just saying that you don't stick a wad of cash into an alcoholic's hand and push them into a bar. They may be able to fight it for a while, but eventually, that cash is going to turn into as many Jack Daniel shots as it can buy and just like that - they're hooked again. You don't stick a wad of cash into a teenage girl's hand, who is a known recovering Meth addict, and send them to get dope for you.

I'm going to do my best to be civil, polite, and professional for my last two weeks of work as I really do need the paycheck. My last day is February 5th. I've already told the owner's assistant about my decision to quit and I spelled it out for him, in no uncertain terms, exactly why I was leaving. I told him I thought it was a load of crap that the owner's knew what was going on, but were turning a blind eye to it. That it was sickening and in my eyes, they were just as guilty for Ashley using again as she is. Paul was pretty upset by the news of what TweakerBoss had been doing and he agreed with me 100% about the owners. He said he would be following in my footsteps soon. He told me that he thought it was commendable that I was taking a stand and that he thought I was doing the right thing. Then he wished me the very best of luck and left.

I had talked to him a couple months ago regarding our manager's behavior and what was going on. He had passed it on to the owners and they did NOTHING.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! The whole thing is just wrong!

In any case, I'll do my best to hold my tongue, but so help me... if she says ONE word to me about any of this and starts coming down on me for something - she is not going to like what I have to say. I am walking a very tight rope with my ability to be civil to her.

I think I'm done. At least for now.

THANK GOD I have the next three days off.

PS: As an addendum to the points made in my previous entry, let's just throw this out there. Women are obviously smarter all the way around; let's break it down into it's most basic elements. What is a man's best friend? His dog, right? Yup. What's a woman's best friend? Here's a clue if you don't know: it sparkles, costs a lot of money, and is usually the favorite choice in an engagement ring. If you picked diamond, you'd be correct. What more proof do you need? Hahahaha! (Please note that I'm merely being facetious as I heard this somewhere and thought it quite funny). Had to add this in after reading/responding to everyone's comments.

Also! My mom's doctor called back and they were able to rule out liver cancer. However, she had to go get more blood taken and if the enzymes are still high, they will have to take a biopsy of the liver to test for auto-immune diseases (not HIV), like Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis. So both good news and some not so good news. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed and keep praying if that's what you do. Thanks!! :)

Monday, January 22, 2007

I (DON'T) Want to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner!

Tonight, I got as far as I could with the packing up, labeling, and filing of the 2006 records before I ran out of supplies. I have straightened out the mess that G left for me and I was getting bored playing solitare. So I went out to visit with some of our regular hotel guests who hang out in the lobby every night and chat for hours on end. Most of them work in the oil/natural gas industry; as I've mentioned before, it's booming around here. In any case, TweakerBoss has told us that we have to socialize with them more to show our "friendliness." Pfffft!!

Just kidding. It's not that bad as long as I don't have work to catch up on and it's the regular, nice, funny, albeit very nosy, guys out there.

Anyway.

I sat out in a big, comfy, chair around the fire and was visiting with this guy named Robert. He's been living at our hotel for about three months now and he knows pretty much everything about everything. Mostly because he makes it his business to know. Normally, I don't get along all that well with these types, but he's pleasant enough and is unobtrusive about his nosiness. Well, Robert proceeds to tell me that this little cutie who is also staying there has been asking about me. Apparently he asked if I was married and Robert said, "no... but you should see her boyfriend; he's a big SOB!" When the guy immediately was all, "oh, okay" and made gestures like he was backing off, Robert started laughing and made it his duty to inform him I'm single.

I told Robert that while A (yes, another freaking "A" - that should be a big, red, flag!!) was a very nice guy, I wasn't looking to get into a relationship and even if I was, I suck at them.

Robert then proceeds to tell me, that while he's not trying to be rude and doesn't want me to be offended, that perhaps the reason I don't have good relationships is because I come off like I'm not afraid of anything, that I'm tough, and that I can handle things by your[my]self.

WHAT THE HELL?!

First of all, I'm not that tough and I handle things myself because my parents raised me to be independent, strong, and to deal with life as it comes up.

Second of all, since when is that a BAD thing!? Really, why would a guy want a girl that is all, "ooh, take care of me please because I can't do a THING for myself. Just don't break a nail while you're rescuing me, okay? *Aheeheehee*"

It's all I can do to keep from rolling my eyes right now.

I really don't know if I should be flattered, insulted, or both. I thought men wanting simpering, young, chits, went out with "bell hoop" gowns. Apparently not, though.

I'm not a bra-burning, arm pit hair growing, testosterone-seeking, extreme feminist.

I believe that we should all have the same rights. I also believe that men and women are equal, just on different levels. One is no better than the other, we're simply different. And I for one, take pride in those differences. I'd be hypocrite if I said that I didn't enjoy taking advantage of those differences at times as well.

For example. I absolutely hate checking the oil in my car and putting more in. I take it to Grease Monkey every 3000 miles for a complete oil change, but if it needs something in between, I pout prettily and ask my dad to do it. It's not that I couldn't do it. It's simply that I HATE doing it. And I dare any woman to say that she's never used the fact that she's a woman to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do or, well, to get out of something period! I can't think of one female that has never tugged on her shirt to expose a little more skin to an officer while pulled over for speeding, or used some mysterious, gynecological, excuse to have a "play day" from work. Never fluttered their eyelashes to get a guy to open a tightly closed jar of pickles so you don't ruin your fresh manicure. I'm just pulling examples out of my hat, but you get the point, right?

There's a difference in not being capable of doing something and just not wanting to do it.

*Note: To any guys that may be reading this thinking about what crap this is, spare me, please. You guys don't EVER have to give birth, you can pee anywhere you want to without problem, you will NEVER have to bleed from your "special place" for seven consecutive days, once a month, for about 40 years (give or take). And by doing these things - we're giving you the perfect opportunity to appear dashing, strong, and gallant. Plus, y'all have gotten to be "first" at pretty much everything. Walking on the moon, being president, voting, the right to own property, and most of the time - getting off during sex. So no whining! (lol)

I guess my question(s) is this: why is it considered to be a strike against you in the eyes of men to be a strong, capable, independent, woman? Why does that automatically make you suck at relationships? And do I really need to play the empty-headed fool that needs protection to attract (and keep!) a man?

If the answer is yes to the last question, then screw it! I'm turning lesbian.

I just don't get it...



*Dedicated to Phil, who loves my diatribes! :)

Boo! I see you! With, my cat-shit colored eyes as Teresa says. Hahaha - my own nerdiness totally amuses me some days...

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PS: Shortest. Post. Ever! (that one is for you, Mike, hehe)

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Another Decision, 2007

I made the decision tonight that I'm turning my two weeks notice in at the Hotel. I was going to try and "hang in there" until I moved to GJ, but I just can't handle the drama any more. The petty cat fights where people try to force everyone onto "their" side, the drugs, the drunken outbursts, the physical violence. I am so disgusted by all of it. Really, how obnoxious can one group of people be?! Not only that, but I am now an MA/CNA - licensed and educated to work in the medical field, even if it is at the entry level. I'll get a few months experience and when I move to GJ, at least it won't be the first time I've worked in the medical field.

I didn't think I'd like working with the elderly. I didn't think I'd have the patience or know how to communicate well with them, set them at ease while performing personal duties for them, etc. But I surprised myself with how comfortable I was and how naturally it all came. I'm not "being conceited" but Brea gave me one of the best compliments when, one day while doing our rounds together, she remarked that, "I am learning so much just by watching you! You are great with the residents and the patients in the hospital." It made my day the day she said it and every time I've thought about it since. I have wanted to be a nurse for a very long time and I've got my foot in the door now - why not walk through it? There's nothing stopping me. I busted my ass in order to unlock that door. Now it's no longer closed and I've put it off for a few weeks now... so no more.

It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I made the decision to just do it.

That's all I really have for right now. My brain is not functioning much at the moment as I had a 10 hour shift today. And had to sort out the absolute MESS that my co-worker, G, left. While everyone else has switched to the computer system I set up, she decided to completely ignore it for the last four days and use the paper system.

There were reservations not put into the computer, payments taken that were't recorded in their record, no invoices were printed whatsoever. It was ridiculous. Then there was a HUGE box of filing that hadn't been done so I had to get all of that taken care of. TweakerBoss has to get all the 2006 receipts/invoices/etc. filed away to open it up for all the stuff in 2007. G didn't touch it. Then she locked the office door knowing full well that the Cafe is closed on Sundays and the Assistant Manager wouldn't be in at 5:30am to unlock it for us. Nobody else has keys. Said Assistant Manager who has a drinking problem was so hungover that she refused to answer her phone. So Kristin had to go beat on her door to get the keys so that we could get into the office to, you know, WORK! I swear, G does not have an ounce of common sense. And it has been an exercise in patience to try and train her the last few weeks. Today was proof that she's STILL not getting it. Part of me feels sorry for her as I know it has to be difficult to be a slow learner and feel out of her element. The other part of me wants to wring her neck for how much extra work she is causing for me and shake her so that something clicks in her brain. I know that's really mean. Guess it's a good thing that two weeks from tomorrow, it's no longer my problem! Weeeeeeee!

/bitch fest

Anyway, I think I'm going to catch the news and then go to bed. I don't have to go to work till 2pm tomorrow (thank God) but I'm really tired. It was a busy weekend and for some reason, I've been struggling with insomnia as of late and haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights. Missed church today, too, which really sucks. There were missionaries from the Philippines today and I guess they gave a wonderful presentation. But my dad did bring home all the information needed in order to go on a missions trip there this summer. Total cost that covers everything except spending money and your passport is $2300 dollars. I really want to go, but I don't see how I'm going to come up with that much money in a few short months, plus have enough to cover the loss of wages for the week I'd be gone. Damn car payment and bills! I cannot WAIT to be debt-free! I'm slowly but surely working on it, so yay!

Okay, I'm done for now. Really. :)

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Celebrity Crushes

It has been a "movie watching" type of weekend. I've done my usual stuff - like working out, laundry, cleaning room, helping clean up the house, blog-stalking, and hanging out with friends. But every day, there's been at least one movie that has come on that I've just had to watch.

Today was the worst of them all. I woke up at 9:30am and caught the very beginning of 8MM. Intense freakin' movie that left me slightly queasy. Then tonight, I watched Dodgeball, and as I type this, Changing Lanes is on. Usually, I'm not a really big "tv" person - although there are certain shows that I have to watch. During different times of the year, it's different shows. But I absolutely adore Grey's Anatomy, ER, and House... does anyone see a pattern emerging here? Anyway, during their "on seasons" I also like Amazing Race and American Idol.

Well, with all this movie watching, it's got me thinking about who my "celebrity crushes" are. Everyone's got them, but it's not something I've ever really thought too much about other than a passing, "heyyyyy... he's goooooood-lookin!" With much drool thought, I've determined my top three favorites of all time. These men are incredible actors and to me, totally sexy. In no particular order...

Jeremy Piven; YUMMY! Really, does anything else need to be said?

Kevin James; He is just adorable!! He's got this whole shy, guy-next-door, look going on for him. Plus, he's got an excellent sense of humor (I've seen him David Letterman and what not) and I love a man that makes me laugh!

Patrick Dempsey; brainy, somewhat nerdy, charming, sex appeal. What more can you ask for in a man??

So there you have it. My taste in men, illustrated by "celebrity crushes."

I know - another totally pointless entry but I'm kind of bored at the moment. Plus, Miss Mez has me thinking... not an unusual occurence after reading her blog. By the way, if you haven't read her, you really need to. She's been a reader of this, well, not "this" particular blog, but me... pretty much since I started blogging. Along with Phil. It never ceases to amaze me that intelligent, articulate, witty, interesting, all-the-way-around incredible people actually read my journal. And I can't say enough good about this gal. I just *heart* her! So go read if, by some chance, you haven't yet.

But back to my original point though. Mez got me to thinking about "settling" and just reiterated why I am choosing to remain single at this point in my life. I don't expect a man to be "perfect" - there is no such thing. There is no such thing as the "perfect" woman either. Humanity as a whole needs to get past that ridiculous notion if you ask me. Because boys? Jessica Alba? Yeah - she has a nice rack, a flat stomach, cellulite-free thighs, etc. But I'll bet you a million dollars that she rips ass. Or stinks up the bathroom at least once a day. Or wakes up wondering how she ate a possum in the middle of the night. I bet she even asks her boyfriend/current lover if her ass looks fat in her jeans.

I'm not going to say that looks don't play a factor in attraction because they do. But what those looks are, are different for every person. Personally, that whole look thing can change for me from person-to-person. I'm looking for a man that I can TRUST. Someone who will be willing to earn that from me because I can't just keep giving it away - it screws me over every time. I'm looking for a man that will take the time to do the "little things." You know - the "corny" stuff that they really don't see the big deal in, but means the world to us women. I want a man that is stubborn and just a bit bossy - if I can push you around then I'm not going to be able to respect you. No respect = no future. I want a man that is secure enough in himself that, when I have a severe mood-swing, he's not going to take it personal and will simply understand that I carry a heavy load and sometimes I crack. I'm not psychotic or delusional or prone to bad temper... sometimes, the pressure just has to have somewhere to go and it comes out as a foul mood. I want someone that will make me laugh and not be afraid to be a dork with me. Someone that says I'm beautiful and not "hot." I want someone that shares similiar values and has similar plans for their future and a vision as to what that includes. Someone who isn't wishy-washy about their feelings, knows what they want, and goes for it. Whatever that may be.

I don't know.

I just know that I have certain standards as to how I expect to be treated. I'm not going to invest my time, energy, and feelings into someone that treats me like shit.

And that, is that. Whether it's not settling or just having enough self-respect for myself to say "NO! This is NOT acceptable." Maybe it's even a combination of both, but it's how I feel. I guess that's the only bottom line that counts.

Update 1.03am: I have not felt more sorry for a character in a movie in... well, a really long time to say the least. Samuel L. Jackson gave an awesome performance in Changing Lanes and my heart seriously went out to him. If I hadn't been expecting it, I would have cried at the end when his wife and kids are across the street smiling at him - sending the message that they were coming home. Definitely worth the numb rear end to watch it. And now, I must go to bed as I have to get up for church in 7hrs and counting.

Decision 2007

For all the reasons I listed in my previous entry, i.e. familiar with the area, have family/friends, #1 Nursing program in the state, ample job opportunities, fairly close to home, etc. I've decided to definitely move back to GJ this summer. I'm excited and already starting to feel restless. My mom was laughing at me the other day and I asked her what was so funny. She said that she just "knows me [you] and once I [you] make a decision, you want to get right on it and don't have the patience to wait on it very well." I had to laugh too, because she's right.

I feel like there is a shift coming up in my life very soon. I don't know if it's a good shift or a bad shift, but some things are going to be changing - although I get the feeling that it has more to do with the people in my life, than with me directly.

Tonight is my sister's last night at work and then she's off to Florida for a week of vacation in the sun, at the beach. Our brother's best friend, Jimmy, is very close to our family - he's like a surrogate brother. He's making bank doing something with fiber-optic lines and after Ashley spilled her guts to him with everything that's been going on and how stressed she's been, he surprised her with a plane ticket which was very nice of him. I'm glad she's going to get a week away - maybe it will give her the time she needs to take a step back and look at her life. To see what needs to change and where there's room for growth and improvement.

She and I had a long talk last night and I think it went pretty well. I basically just told her everything that I had written the other day about her, how she shouldn't be afraid to step out - because even if something "bad" happens or you trip and fall on your face, it's better to have stepped out and tried than to live your life in apathy.

I also broached the very touchy subject of her boyfriend. I basically said that I understood she's had a serious boyfriend since she was 13 years old and that she's not used to not having someone by her side. I told that I'm not angry or disappointed and that I don't not respect her because of this, but that I was wondering when she was going to admit that the only reason she is with Chad is because she needed someone there after things went south for the last time between her and Pete. I said that I think she's truly starting to get over Pete, but that it's going to take some time and I understood that. But that trying to delude herself into believing that she's in love with Chad isn't the answer.

Chad is a 25 year old alcoholic. He's a nice enough guy, I don't have any problem with him as a person. But I do have a serious problem with the fact that he's an alcoholic. I'm not judging him for it - I know it can't possibly be easy on him, either. If truth be told, I feel rather sorry for him. It's the fact that he "wants to help Ashley" but he can't help himself out of the bottom of a bottle. He needs to get his own life taken care of and his own issues dealt with before he tries to "help" Ashley. She is a big girl and she's responsible for her own choices and actions. But when she gets around people who drink, smoke weed, etc. it makes her that much harder for her to stay away from it herself. She's been drinking a lot more since she started dating him a few months ago. She takes him to and from GS for his court dates (three DUI's in a week - he definitely has jail time to serve, it's just a matter of how much). I just can't see any good coming from her dating someone with a serious problem like that, when she's already got plenty of her own.

I also made it quite clear to her that while I may not have approved, liked, accepted, or admired everything she's done with her days the last two years or so. But that I have ALWAYS respected and admired the fact that she's gotten up out of bed every morning. If nothing else, I've got to give her that. She may have screwed up along the way, but at least she gets up and tries again every single day. There's countless people out there that would not be able to even try to go on with their lives in the face of all that she's lost.

I made it a point to tell her that I wasn't telling her all of that to use it as an excuse for a pity-party, but rather to acknowledge the good in what she's done over the last two years.

In any case, we talked and it was good. I think she was actually listening which is absolutely amazing!

We all went to dinner tonight - my dad had his usual Prime Rib steak with the fixins and Pepsi, but my mom and I got the "all you can eat crab" and Strawberry Daquiris. SO GOOD. My Uncle Jay (dad's brother) and his new girlfriend was there as well. I mostly just sat there and listened to the conversation swirling around me, immersed in my own thoughts. Enjoying the tangy sweetness of crab dipped in garlic butter and the looks of love that pass with frequency between my parents.

I love my family and for the most part, my life here. I just... need something more. And I'm really very excited about moving back to GJ. Time to save money, start researching apartments and places to rent, get a resume typed up and apply for jobs available. Keep your fingers crossed!

This entry is taking me forever to write because I'm only typing on the commercials of the special on America's prisons that is on tv. It's really eye-opening, that's for sure...

Well, I really have nothing to say. I just felt like writing and so I've babbled on for a bit. I'm sure everyone is way excited about that! Ha!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Dreams, Foot Treatments, and Friends

Last night, while I was falling asleep, for some reason, I was mentally composing an entry regarding blowjob etiquette. I have no idea why.

Then I had dreams. Strange, disturbing, dreams - but ones that left me with warm, gushy, lovey-dovey, feelings. I woke up and my first thought, which is amazing in and of itself as I do not think in the morning was: I dreamed of romance. I can't remember exact scenarios, it's more bits and pieces, like a flash of memory or something. A strong hand reaching for mine, the sound of laughter, the feeling of butterflies that come with soft, gentle, kisses. The kind that tell a woman, "you're treasured and cherished. You're beautiful and I just want to savor everything about you." And when I awoke, alone in my bed, my heart was achy. I wanted to feel like I felt in my dream again - in my dreams, that lonliness you do your best not to pay attention to, was absent.

I had things to do today, no time to dawdle in bed, feeling wistful for what was only a reality in a dream. So I got up after Teresa's Redhead removed his hand from my ass and they went downstairs - their work in waking me up, done. We visited for a while and then it was time to go to our appointment.

I did my morning ritual of getting ready sans the make-up. I threw my hair into a messy ponytail, slipped on my sneakers, grabbed my jacket, and was throwing my digi into my purse when I heard my mom call up the stairs, "are you ready?" "Coming!" I hollered back. Then I was running down the stairs and we were out the door, walking over to the salon. We'd decided to have these Feet Ionization treatments done. I'd heard about them before but never really believed that it could do what they said and it seemed like an experience.

The "treatment" involves sticking your bare feet into a tub that is lined with a plastic bag. It's filled with warm, distilled, water and plain sea salt is added. Then they put this electric ionization thing into it, turn it on, and leave you for thirty minutes to stare at what is happening to your feet.

It was seriously the craziest thing I have ever seen! The perfectly clear water started turning color. In a matter of minutes, the whole foot tub is the color of... really concentrated urine. Like when you have a kidney or bladder infection. It's the only way I can think to describe it. Then literally chunks of crap start coming out. The point of it is to pull all the toxins from your body that is left over from the things you put into it - like smoking, bad foods, extra yeast, extra minerals your body isn't using, etc. I've heard stories of slivers of metal coming out and even a worm after you've done it for a while.

My mom and I were absolutely amazed and thoroughly disgusted I might add. I've been contemplating posting the pictures I took - but they're pretty nasty and I don't want anyone to lose their last meal before reading this entry.

I thought my mom and I's were bad, but it was nothing compared to Teresa and her Redheads. The lady said that their's was due to so much grease in their diet. You could literally see the grease floating at the top. Teresa had snot in hers from her chronic sinus infections. She even knew that Jon had problems with his joints that would lead to arthritis from what came out of his and told him he HAD to start drinking more water and take vitamins.

It was a very eye-opening experience to say the least and it has got me examining everything from what I eat, to how much water I drink, to how much exercise I get, to quitting smoking. Nothing quite like seeing chunks of black crap (tar) and nicotine (a yellow hued substance) coming out of your feet to get you serious about knocking that particular bad habit out.

I would recommend it to anyone! It's truly inspired me to really quit - I'll be looking into getting the NicoDerm CQ patch tomorrow and I only smoked two cigarettes today. I've been doing pretty good with exercising regularly. Been doing good with what I eat - but the water drinking has got to improve; apparently you're supposed to drink HALF your body weight in water, measured in ounces. So if you way 120lbs, you're supposed to drink 60oz of water. I think if I buy a bunch of those naturally flavored waters I would do better - I love those. It's just straight water that I seem to have such a hard problem with.

Anyway, my mom and I have another appointment at 9:00am a week from today. Over time, it's supposed to clear your system, layer-by-layer of the bad stuff that is just floating around in there and you really start feeling a difference in your energy levels and over-all well being. Maybe after a while, I'll post like a "before" and "after" type of deal to show the difference. Donna, the salon lady, said it does get better with time.

But enough of that. And sorry if I grossed any of you out. You've really got to try it though - it is unbelievable!

I went to lunch with Teresa and Jon then came home and took a nap. I was absolutely wiped out by 3:00pm given the fact that I got about three hours of sleep last night. I could not sleep - was too anxious and worried about my mom. So I took a nap, then went out to Teresa's for dinner and watched Bevery Hills Cop - funny ass movie (starring Eddie Murphy).

Got home around 8:00pm to see my dad watching "his" show - Nashville Star. Which I seriously don't get and it cracks me up because he cannot STAND country music. But he loves that show - a total oxymoron. In any case, we did our duty and called in to vote for David St. Romaine for him (if any of you follow the show as well) and then my mom and I played some yahtzee online.

She went to bed and I was checking my email when someone started banging on the door. J, one of my dad's employees, was fighting with his wife again. It's frickin -10F outside right now and he WALKED two and a half miles in it (they live on the outskirts of town) before a Sheriff's Office deputy picked him up and dropped him at our house. At that point, he'd already been walking in the snow and freezing cold for about two hours. Poor guy. I fixed him some hot chocolate and since the queen-sized air mattress is still set up behind the couch in the living room from when Ray was here, we put some blankets down for him. My mom heard the ruckus and got up so she was able to give him a pair of my dad's sweats and a t-shirt to sleep in instead of his wet clothes. He smoked a cigarette and we talked for a bit, then I shut the lights off, and dimmed the lights over the kitchen sink so he could see if he needed to, but not enough to keep him from sleeping.

It seriously just broke my heart. Unlike Ray, he wasn't sitting there bad-mouthing his wife or down-talking her in any way. He just looked... crushed that they were fighting and kind of... resigned? Defeated? It was very sad. They've been having problems for quite a while now and while I'm not going to go into them because it's really none of my business, I will say that I'm very glad he knows he can bang on our door at any time - day or night - and he'll have a place to stay.

You know, I've kind of been wondering at my difference in attitude regarding Ray and Jerry and I think that really, a part of it, is that Jerry truly wants to make things work with his wife. They have two little boys together and they love one another very much. There's just some... differences... they need to work out. I was raised in a home where it was/is very obvious how much my parents love each other. They've had their fair share of arguments - but even when they've been arguing, I have NEVER heard either one of them talk shit about the other - to us or anyone else.

So it really, really, bothers me when I hear other couples do that to one another. I think it shows complete disrespect and it's just adding to whatever the root problem is. Stick to the issue - don't fight dirty by name-calling and bad-talking one another to your children or other people, you know?

I guess the whole vibe I get from the two men regarding their wives and current situation/issues is entirely different.

But okay, moving on again.

I came back upstairs and seen that Shane (my gay cuddle-buddy from GJ) had signed on. He had called me the other day and left a voicemail but I hadn't got back with him yet. So I sent him a message, which led to the discovery that Jon was there with him. He has just moved to Denver into his own apartment and is going to college there. Jon and Shane are two of the greatest guys I know and I love them to pieces. The messaging led to a phone call where I was on speakerphone and we were all laughing, talking, catching one another up on what's been going on. Jon is going back to GJ for school this Saturday. He just returned from an internship with Disney World and was jazzed about it. I do believe I'll be taking a trip to GJ Saturday to see him as he asked me to pleaes come down. I also have a standing invitation to go see Shane in Denver, but we're going to have to wait till spring for that one because of the winter conditions and roads. But I just heart them both. They always make me laugh. The first thing Shane says when I called was, "Okay sexy, you've got one of those 1-900 voices and I really think you should just forget about this whole healthcare career thing and have phone sex with strangers for money. You'd make bank, girl!"

I just laughed and was like, "yeah whatever... maybe for those freaks that like school kids since I sound like I'm 13!"

I told him about how I had written in my journal about how he was my "cuddle buddy from GJ" and how he loved my boobs, even though he was flaming gay. In the best possible sense, of course. And he goes, "oh honey... you haven't seen anything yet! I've gotten even gayer - I'm wearing girl jeans now and I am a TOTAL bottom."

Then Jon told me about how he'd finally made up his mind that he's bi-sexual. He was having a bit of a... sexual identity crises in college - he wasn't sure which sex he liked. So now, he's decided on both. I called him a greedy bastard and told him that anyone he dates is going to have a security issue because NO ONE would be safe around him. To which he laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more.

Good friends, good times :).

I can't wait to see them!!

I think I might go back to MSC this fall - they do have the #1 Nursing Program in the state; hence why I picked it the first time around. Plus, I already have friends that are still there, I'm familiar with the area, and I have family down there too. I'd be able to see Little Shadow and the other kids any time and would have a little security with knowing that I'm only two hours away from home and if it's a major jam, I've got an aunt and uncle there. PLUS, I'm already certified in the state of Colorado for Nursing Assistant and I doubt I would have any problems getting a job at one of the two major hospitals down there or in one of the nursing homes. They constantly need CNA's and my aunt already said that I'd get on with no problem at the nursing home she works at. It just makes logical sense, don't ya think?

Well, Mike told me that my entries get too long at times, so I'm going to wrap this up given the fact I think it's probably pretty long already. By the way, this is nothing I do on purpose - sometimes I just have a lot to say and sometimes I just type so friggin fast I don't have any idea how long it's getting!

Oh, and uhm... if anyone is wondering, my mom had her ultrasound this morning. They didn't see any gall stones which was a possibility. They couldn't (or wouldn't) tell her any more than that and it will probably be about a week or so before we know anything. I'll keep everyone updated.

Hugs to you all!