I'MMMM BACKKKK!!!

Wow... I cannot begin to explain how good it feels to be back in front of a computer screen with internet access!!

The trip to GJ was great! I got to visit with my family and play with the kids; Little Shadow rarely left my side which made her dad a wee bit jealous as she is a "daddy's girl."

I got JOB! At a very reputable Skilled Nursing Facility - my aunt is an LPN there, but beyond bragging to her co-workers when I called her to tell her about passing my state boards and bringing an application home with her, she didn't do anything. I know, because I asked her and made her promise to tell me the truth.

It's very important to me to do things on my own!

I had one interview with the CNA boss which she did five minutes after I handed her my application. She reviewed it, got excited I wanted to work nights, and got one of the residents who sits in on all the interviews. After I answered a few questions and the resident informed Donetta (CNA Boss) to "hire the girl!" I got handed a bunch of paperwork and had to fill that out. We continued to chat while I wrote and she told me how much I'd be getting paid an hour and what days I'll be working. I asked her some questions regarding training and about the facility. Then we talked "personal" about her goals, my goals, her husband, kids, etc. By the end of it all, while shaking hands, she said that she could tell I was going to be a wonderful CNA and she was excited to have me here. Then asked me to come back on Friday at 10:30am to meet the Nursing Director aka Big Boss aka Kathryn. Which extended my stay, but that was okay with me :).

I arrived at 10:20am and was taken directly to Kathryn's office. I was told my background check cleared and asked to fill out more paperwork. Then I had to pee in a cup for the drug test - which I passed, although the Valium I stopped taking a month and a half ago is still in my system apparently. After that, I was done but Kathryn had taken an interest in talking to me - at least that's my guess as she kept me in there for another hour and a half just chatting about personal things.

To be honest, I was a little surprised that she talked to me for so long and confided so much in me about her personal life. Even Donetta came in after about an hour and commented that, "she really likes you! Normally she doesn't take this long with people, so that's a good thing!" Kathryn told me about the loss of her husband when she was 32 and he was 27 and how she's never married again. How she lost her mother 7 years ago and how much it hurt - her mom was her best friend. We talked about "seeing" our loved ones in dreams and strange things that have happened. About the "new normal" that is created out of neccessity and how surreal it feels to know that your world was just shattered, your heart broken, and yet... people all around you are still going to work, picking their kids up from school, basically just living life.

I felt very at ease with her and she reassured me that I could come to her or Donetta at any time and talk to them - whether it was on a professional or personal level it didn't matter, it would stay between the two of us. When we finally wrapped it up, I shook her hand and she told me that she was very impressed, I would be a great CNA, and welcome aboard!

I left feeling comfortable, confident, and excited about starting work there. My only nerves left are just related to my doing a good job, but only time will tell that. There is so much to learn, so much to do, so much to remember; it's a heavy responsibility! CNA's are not educated to the point where we can decide what kind of medications they need or how much and we don't really get to do any of the "cool" stuff. But in any nursing home or hospital, CNA's are the backbone of everything. We are responsible for their day-to-day care. We get onto very intimate levels with the residents and once you've become familiar with them, you can tell when they're having a bad day or are not feeling good. Their families entrust their safety in our hands as we have the most contact with them. It is our job to report any signs that something may be "off." Making sure they have oxygen, are clean, fed, bathed, able to go to the bathroom, encouraging them to take part in the activities they offer, etc. And everything has to be charted and/or reported to the nurse if it's something serious, like a fall or no BM's (bowel movements).

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being directly responsible for all that and more; especially since from 12:30am to 6:30am, I will be the only CNA on the floor and will be responsible for all 28 of the residents on my hall.

I think the fears, misgivings, and basically the lack of confidence will let up more and more as I get to know the residents; their likes/dislikes, habits, schedules, etc. And once I get into the routine of things, it will make a lot of it easier.

In any case, that's it on the job end of things.

The apartment hunting was a lot less successful.

At first I was considering answering some of those "roommate wanted" ads and I even called a few of them up. But in the end, I just couldn't bring myself to live with a stranger. For one, that's a little bit creepy. For two, I don't like the idea of having to tip-toe around someone else because it's their house. If I want to let the dishes sit overnight because I'm too tired and don't feel like doing them, then I want to be able to let them just sit! And then there's the whole "security" issue - at any time, they could decide they don't want a roommate or just don't want me and I would be left up shit creek without a paddle.

So I nicked that idea in the bud and started searching for apartments. I found a few that are in my price range, but one of the offices was closed, one realtor was an A-S-S-H-O-L-E and I refuse to deal with him, the other place just rang and rang and rang. Sigh.

Hopefully I will find a place very soon, but until I do, my aunt and uncle are going to let me stay with them for the three days a week I have to work (it's twelve hour shifts). I'll be working 6pm to 6:30am, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Saturday mornings when I get off, I'll make the two hour drive home and stay until Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoons. I'll stay up all day Saturday and crash early that night so I can go to church on Sunday and have a "regular" sleep cycle for the rest of my days off. At least that is the plan right now.

I am praying that I'm moving in the right direction and going where I am supposed to go.

I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds in a sense. That of creating stability, a secure life, staying in one place for a few years (or more), building friendships, staying close to my family, and so on. Or the part of me that still yearns to travel, explore, discover. To have adventures and excitement. It's really quite odd.

Anyway, I have a lot more to write about but this was my GJ trip and "the Plan" for now. I got back last night and dealt with a whole lot of drama, then went out to Teresa's and ended up spending the night. I had been asleep in their rocker for about 3 hours when their stupid dog jumped up on the head of it and flipped me all the way back at 4:30am. Teresa and her Redhead have been teasing me all day about the fact that I was screaming "SON OF A BITCH!" among other things. Scared the crap out of me and woke me up from a deep sleep. Never a good thing. Then I got pinned on my own hair and ended up having to roll off the side, all disorientated and dizzy. I was not happy.

Then I couldn't go back to sleep till like 7am because of the adrenaline rush and the fact that her Redhead had me go get in bed with Teresa when he was leaving for work. I kept screwing with her because I was in an onery mood and she finally whipped down her shorts and stuck her bare ass on my leg.

Needless to say, I'm tired. My dad wants me to come watch House with him, then I'm going to bed! I'll be catching up on all of your blogs over the next couple of days; I missed all of you! :)