And I'm Off Again...

Here it is, about 10:30pm Tuesday night. The family, along with Mike, Danyella, and their girls all went out to the local steakhouse for dinner. Then came home and I watched American Idol and House - cannot wait for the episodes of both shows next week!

Then we had a chat with Thomas on the phone. This court thing he's having to deal with has just multiplied into other things and he's having a really hard time. He and Jimmy are Ashley and I's brothers-of-the-heart and I hate to see either one of them struggling. Especially when they sound so down and just... broken. God put it on my dad's heart to send him $500 and after he was told to be looking for the check in the mail, he did start crying, while talking to me. I can only pray for him and trust that the Big Man Upstairs is looking out for him and has a plan behind all of these trials he's having to go through.

While we were doing that, Ashley announced that she had to go talk to Chad, who is running away to his daddy in Salt Lake City for a few days. They had talked earlier and he's really not wanting to be a father. He came over earlier and talked with my mom and told her how scared he was about all of this. Then promised to come by later this evening to talk with my dad. When Ashley called him to see what time he was coming over, he'd "had a few beers" and "wanted to be completely sober when he came over to talk." All I could do was shake my head and think about how cowardly he's being. For the love of God! He is 25 years old. My sister is 19 and she's had to tell her parents and deal with all of this crap head-on. Abortion is not something that any of us believe in and she's excited to have this baby, but scared shitless too. It's a huge responsibility, but I've been proud of her seeing how she's stepping up to the plate and doing what she has to do. Meanwhile, Chad crawls into the nearest alcohol bottle he can find and stays hiding there. Ugh! He promised Ashley that there would always be money there if she needed it, but she basically told him to take his money and shove it - that she wasn't interested in that, she was interested in having THEIR baby know his/her father. Apparently, at least at this point (it's not in me to completely give up hope on anyone), it's not a real priority for him.

I want to be SuperSister and march over there, tell him to quit being a shithead and get it together - Ashley didn't get pregnant by herself! And on the other hand, I know this is something that my sister is going to have to deal with and nobody can force someone to be a part of their child's life. My own biological father did the same thing Chad is doing now when he was told my mom was pregnant so it's not exactly uncommon, I guess. At least I could reassure Ashley that there won't be a day in his life that he won't regret it if this is the choice he makes. Brad is a part of my life now, but I've heard how much guilt and regret he feels over his decision. And it hurts him that I don't call him "dad" and he's going to have to take second place to the man who has been my daddy my entire life forever. We're doing what we can to make her feel better and reassure her that there is a man out there who will love this baby and earn the RIGHT to be called dad and who will love her as well.

Sigh. I guess that hard road has already started for her. But it's not insurmountable!

Anyway, I am pretty much ready to go with the exception of a few items I'll need to use to get ready in the morning. My scrubs are neatly folded and packed away. Extra hair clippies and all that good stuff is there. I have to be there by 9am. It's an hour and a half to two hour drive so I plan on being out of here no later than 7am. A quick run through the drive thru at Starbucks in Rxxxx, the halfway point between here and GJ, and I'll be good to go! All I have to do now is find a way to chase the butterflies out of my stomach who have been growing in there for the last few hours and get to work on time.

Has anyone ever been handed their dream? I mean, I worked for it, but now this opportunity has been placed in my lap and it's my foot in the door. Thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I'm just not going to be good enough at my dream and it's really making me anxious. So then I have to chase those thoughts out and keep boosting myself up. It's a little hard to explain I guess...

In any case, I'll be MIA again for a few days. Depending on what I work Friday, I'll be home either Friday night or Saturday morning so you can expect an update then and comments on your journals :). Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and say a little prayer if that's your thing. I'm going to need them! But hey... at least I won't have to worry about accidentally emailing my boss a mean message about her again... I will be much too busy with the residents and learning the ropes :D.

Gah! Okay, I really need to get to bed and get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow! Take care everyone and have a great rest of the week!