An End to One Year (and the beginning of a new one!)

2006 has passed so quickly - it's hard to separate the years the older you get, they are just blurring into one big passage of time and it's c-r-a-z-y!

In 2006, I embarked on the Great Adventure of moving in with my sister. We did well setting up our own home and learning to live with one another, outside of parental influences... for a time. As badly as it ended because of the Psycho Roommate, I'm glad I got that experience. Ashley and I had many nights where we would snuggle together, watching movies, talking for hours, and laughing over shared childhood memories.

Plus, there was that one time where she made some smartass remark to me (can't really say anything about that, she learned it from the best, HA!) and I took off after her. Ended up tackling her on the bed and tickling her until we were both out of breath and laughing so hard that we thought we were going to pee our pants. Then the war was on for who could get out of the tangle of sheets, blankets, and pillows first to make it to the bathroom.

She and I have had our ups and downs and I still get frustrated with her and concerned for her at times. But I've had to learn to not let anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. cloud pure, undiluted, love. We have a bond that was born of blood and strengthened through trials, tragedies, triumphs, the growing pains of growing up and living life. There's nothing more precious than that.

I went to Iowa and did a one week internship with an international evangelist who has a miracle ministry. And the things I learned there have played an enormous role in opening my eyes as to what God has in store for me. It was also amazing to see all of the details on what goes into making a ministry work. There's more to it than what you would think, that's for sure!

I got fired from my first job ever; something that was definitely rough to go through. But in the end, it turned out for the best because it spurred me to go through CNA class/clinicals and go back to school for my Medical Assistant Degree. I've got two more lessons to get through with that and my state test to take January 6th for my nursing assistant certification - but I'm almost there.

I've learned to accept my grief over my brother and realized that I don't have to be strong for everyone else. Each of us are allowed to cry, or not cry, whenever we need to. The haze of shock that 2005 passed in has cleared and although it still hurts, it's lessened by the fact that I know he's in a better place and that we will see him again.

I got through a broken heart and am a stronger woman because of it. I've learned that it's okay to have standards and not lower them for the first passing guy who shows an interest.

It's been a year of growth and of stepping into the confusing, exciting, frustrating, and rewarding role of being an adult. Of being a woman.

I've got a good feeling about 2007; I've decided that NO MATTER WHAT it brings - it will be a good great year!

I'm planning a move to Tulsa, Oklahoma in the fall. It's not where I would like to go, I much prefer the coastline of Washington and Oregon. It's beautiful and rainy and God only knows how much I love the rain. But for some reason, I feel like I'm being called to go there and all I can do is follow gut instincts. Who knows what adventure lies there? And it's not like it's permanent - there are few things in life that are, especially mine. What is one day, isn't the next and vice versa. In any case, I feel like that's where I'm supposed to go, at least for a year, so I'm going to try it out and see what happens.

I absolutely hate falling into cliches, but I have a few New Year's Resolutions that I plan on doing:

1.) I am going to be a NON-SMOKER. I'm tired of the asthma, lung infections, sinus infections, and this latest - my first round with pneumonia which seriously sucked ass. I don't want the health complications of smoking so I HAVE to quit.

2.) This is the year I become a shape OTHER than round. I plan on putting my treadmill to good use. Dammit. (haha)

3.) I am going to take every opportunity I can to step out of my comfort zone and do the things that make me shrink back on the inside. Like river rafting and sticking up for myself against people that intimidate me.

There's more that has happened this last year and more that I want for the year that is two hours and eight minutes away (MST), but I have four cousins here, including Little Shadow who keeps running around the table I am sitting at saying, "cousin, cousin, cousin." I think she's wanting some attention.

So it's off the computer I go for now. I wish you all a happy, healthy, prosperous, and exciting New Year! 2007 is full of awaiting opportunity, dreams to be realized, and adventure to be had.

Last, but not least... thank you all! You all are wonderful, amazing people and you have blessed my life in so many ways. Thank you for your continued support and friendship; you all are the best! :)

A Couple of Theories

We got a new computer program for the hotel and are upgrading from a paper system to an electronic system. Reservations, billing, the whole nine yards. I'll give you three guesses on who got the entire thing dumped into their lap, but you're probably only going to need one. She had bought an entirely different software program a couple months ago and after going through the ordeal of setting that one up for her (the tech guy lives in Germany and the only way I could get assistance was to meet him online via instant messenger), she decides she doesn't like it and buys a new one.

I didn't get a Christmas gift (like the rest of the employees who aren't going on the "ski trip") and I'm most certainly not going on the "ski trip" that she planned. TweakerBoss rented a condo up in the mountains for the weekend and there will be much partying and little skiing. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with our 48 year old boss taking a bunch of underage teenagers into the mountains and having an orgy of alcohol, marijuana, and of course speed - her drug of choice? Yeah, not really my cup of tea.

So all I have to say is that the bonus she promised me for doing this had better be one helluva bonus!!

While at work, when not working on the stupid computer program, I have lots of absolutely nothing to do. The paperwork for the day only takes me about a half hour to complete so I have a lot of down time, interrupted only by the phone ringing. Needless to say, this leaves me with plenty of time to study and to think.

Since my dad finally got my treadmill put together and running, I have been doing a daily workout of 20 minutes "fat burning" (low intensity, longer duration) and 10 minutes of cardio (high intensity, smaller duration). My legs have this burning sensation that won't go away - perhaps since I am new at this, I shouldn't have put it at an incline to start with. In any case, the burning sensation has prompted me to come up with this theory:

Everyone has a degree of guilt in their lives for things they have done, are doing, or know they will do in the future. For myself, this guilt is mostly from the past. I was never really a "wild child" in high school; although my sophomore year I got a little party-hardy and was drinking pretty much every weekend. My biggest "rebellion" was that I started smoking when I was 16 - which was really stupid, but it made me feel like a bit of a bad-ass and earned me a place in a social circle. However, I was mostly a goody-tw0-shoes type. Involved in drama, Secretary of Student Council sophomore year and Vice President my junior and senior years, basketball and volleyball manager (yes manager - you couldn't pay me enough money to wear those ugly, tight, uniforms and sweat in front of real people!), and I did quite a bit of volunteer work. It was about a year after I graduated that I tried pot for the first time, which led me to a "stoner phase." Then I pretty much quit that completely when I moved home after my brother's death. It was starting to become a problem... as in, I'd get home from work while living in GJ, call my parents and tell them I was going to be doing something so they wouldn't call and be able to tell that I was high, i.e. going to the club with friends where there was loud music, then I'd get stoned and stay that way till passing out.

I know, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Then I turned 21 and I was all, "woohoo! I get to go to the bar now! Let's par-tay!" That phase didn't last very long, although I'll still occassionally go out with friends for something to do. But I don't really get drunk anymore because a) hangovers don't do much for me and b) neither does making an ass out of myself.

So then I discovered sex *ahem* with men as opposed to a toy and I had my bit of fun there.

While going through these... stages... for lack of a better word, I did some really, really, really stupid stuff. Hence my regret and guilt.

Now, most people feel the need to punish themselves (whether you realize it or not). You'll either continue with the behaviors that are making you feel guilty in the first place, keep yourself from being truly happy because you don't feel you deserve it, or something.

I have discovered my way to pay penance for all of my sins...

... EXERCISE!

Since I usually swear at least once a day, often get snappy with irritating people, still have pre-marital sex (although not on a regular basis lately, perhaps that explains the snappiness?), occassionally drink, etc. I figure I've got so much penance to pay that I'll be in shape in no time at all! So if you are sweating all that stuff and have picked up some bad habits or whatever to bury the guilt, but are tired of it... this is definitely the option for you.

Hey, it makes sense to me! I haven't felt this "punished" since the last time my daddy took a belt to my ass when I was like 11!

My second theory, one I've had for a while now and still haven't gotten a really good response to is this:

98.9% of the world's population of men LOVE the boobies. For whatever reason, they are fascinated with them and for most guys (not all) the bigger the better, as long as they are natural (this is what I've been told by my guy friends). Even my good friend Shane, who is flaming gay, loves boobs. When I was living in GJ, he would come over and spend the night (I hated living alone - still do) and we would spoon on my bed. He'd cuddle up behind me, then his arms would come around, and he'd cup my boobs. That is how he fell asleep - and after I quit laughing, that's how I'd fall asleep too. And no, he really is gay. I've met several of his boyfriends and he has no bisexual tendencies whatsoever. One of his favorite things to say was/is, "I wouldn't know what to do with a ten pound pussy if it dropped right in front of me!"

Anyway, back to the point at hand.

All boobs are is chub. CHUB guys, boobs are nothing but chub. So if guys love boobs so much, then why don't a bigger percentage of men like fluffy girls? Because really, they're just one big boob - think about it. From my experience, guys have a lot of fun playing with your chest; unless there's an 11 year old virgin little boy reading this, in which case I would feel like a despoiler of innocents, you've probably got images flashing through your head of some of those "fun" things you've done with them. So yeah, don't automatically dismiss the fluffy girls!

And yes, it is 2am, I just finished another lesson (two more to go, baby! *woot*), I put in a long day at work, exercised, then cleaned and organized the entire effin' upstairs - including my room, the hallway, and the bathroom, as my sister is moving home this week. My room alone took an hour; perhaps I shouldn't put cleaning it as the last thing on my "to do" list next time.

The point? My brain is vomiting retarded all over the screen.

I guess that means I ought to go to bed.

By the way, just in case you were curious, Memphis Steve has masochistic tendencies I've decided. The dude RUNS - like seriously. He runs for miles. It boggles my mind. So I've decided he either has masochistic tendencies, he's got a lot of guilt to get rid of, or *shudder* he just likes it...

But I heart him anyway because he makes me laugh on a daily basis. You really all ought to go read him - I promise you won't be disappointed!

Beginning of WWIII?

My entire family is known for dramatic tendencies. Surprised? I didn't think so. As bad as it can get with me at times, with my aunt - the hysterics are multiplied by about 1000. And that is not dramatized at all. I've mentioned before that one of my aunts - Aunt Kathy - and I have gone rounds. I'm talking gloves off, anything goes, knock out, rounds. Teresa absolutely loves the Aunt Kathy stories. I'm not really sure, maybe because it's got all the makings of a really great cat fight on a soap opera. In any case, there have been some phone calls exchanged over the last couple of weeks and I have at last come to the point where I have to say something. It's been driving me crazy having to stay quiet in order to "keep the peace" and tonight, I decided that my peace of mind is more important than the surface peace everyone likes to pretend that they have and then cling to. Sounds a bit selfish on my part, but I figured I could broach the issues in a manner that can be (mostly) respectful... possibly tactful, and hopefully classy. I really like being considered classy - dignity, self-respect, poise... these are things that are becoming more and more important to me the older that I get.

Anyway, without further ado... here is the bombshell email I sent my aunt today:

Dear Aunt Kathy,

First off, let me tell you that this email is not written with the intention of hurting your feelings, starting any "wars," or causing any drama. There are simply some things on my chest that I need to get off and I feel that writing it is better than trying to talk about it in this particular case. I would appreciate it if you would put aside any negative feelings you might have after reading this and truly contemplate what I am saying to you. Then respond if you would like.

The other night, you called our house and ripped into me because I didn't tell you about a surprise party that we had planned for my mom. This irritated me for two reasons:

1.) You talked to my mom earlier that day and when she told you about the party, you didn't even say congratulations to her for completing her Bachelor's Degree. And yet, you're upset with me because I didn't tell you about a party you couldn't come to?

2.) You don't seem to understand that I lead a very busy, very hectic life. I was the sole coordinator of a party involving 20+ people, creating a menu, coordinating guests, getting their food order into the cook so he would know how many prime ribs, salmon, or enchilada congrejhos he needed to order, decorating, ordering flowers, and buying gifts. ON TOP OF ALL THAT DETAILED PLANNING - I also was/am working 40hrs a week, trying to keep that party a complete surprise from my mother, and going to school. We also had Angel that week and things were nuts all the way around.

I'm sorry that I didn't think to call you and tell you about it; given the fact that you live 1000 miles away and wouldn't have been able to make it.

More to the point; however, is this:

On the rare occassions that we DO talk, the conversation ALWAYS revolves around you, your family, your job, your stresses, your excitements, your house... everything is about you. So it never occured to me that you would want to hear about the party.

Hence brings me to the main issue of this email.

When/if I do speak up and tell you about some of the happy, positive things that are happening in my life - it never fails that your response is, "oh... cool" in a completely bored tone of voice. It makes me feel like you don't care about what's going on with me, my family, my job, my schooling, or anything else that makes up the elements of my life. It hurts my feelings and makes me shy away from you or become snappy.

To be perfectly blunt and honest, you come off like you don't care at all. You have told my mom and me that you want a relationship with Ashley and I. In your 39 years of life, I'm sure you have to come to understand that a relationship of any kind is all about give and take. But in my relationship with you, it feels like it is all take, take, take, on YOUR end. You want me to be excited/happy/supportive/encouraging/sympathetic to the things that you tell me... but where is the give?

And just to be clear: it is NOT that I don't want to hear about everything going on in your life. It's not that I'm not excited and happy for you when good things happen. It's not that I am not sympathetic and upset for you when bad things happen and I include your situation in my prayers every time.

Please do this for me. Sit down and think back to the last time that you called one of us for the SOLE PURPOSE of finding out "what's new" with me?

Do you know or even care that I've finished my CNA classes and am taking my state test January 6th? Do you know that I am three lessons away from completely my Medical Assistant Degree - something I've done in less than two months when, on average, it is a MINIMUM six month program? Do you know that I recently had my heart broken by the 31 year old deputy I was seeing? Do you know that I am planning a move to Tulsa, OK this fall to complete Missionary School training? Do you know I'm torn between excitement for a new adventure and sadness over leaving my family? Do you know that I worry about them constantly - about their safety especially? Do you know I am dreading the 2 year marker that is coming up in three months of my brother's death? Do you know that I moved back in with my parents to complete school easier? Do you know that I have an online journal with a great group of readers; people who think my life is interesting enough to read about and offer their kindess and support? Do you know that I love cherry soda of any kind and Italian food? Do you know that there are two people in this world outside of my family that have stuck by me through thick and thin and I love with all of my heart? Do you know how weird it is to me that I'm 22 years old - an adult? Do you know how much I resent the restrictions and obligations that come with being an adult? Do you know how much it bothers me that because of those restrictions and obligations, I haven't gotten to see the firstborn of the next generation of this family? Do you know that I could sit in the laundry aisle at Wal-Mart for hours because I love the way it smells and my favorite weather is rain because of the way it makes the earth smell? Did you know I've recently started collecting Tinkerbell stuff and that I adore Happy Bunny as well?

There is a lot about me. A lot TO me. I am a grown woman now with an adult's life. And every time I've tried to share parts of it with you, I feel rejected and let-down because I don't sense any interest on your part whatsoever. As soon as I tell you something, you make some remark and turn the conversation right back around to you. And I am writing you to tell you that it hurts. It angers me. It frustrates me. It makes me want to put distance between us and it's making me seriously contemplate the question of, "if these people were not a part of my family, would I have anything to do with them?"

You can't fake genuine interest and actions speak louder than words. I think maybe it's time for you to sit back and think about what your actions, or lack thereof, are telling people. I can't speak for others and I won't get into it either, but I can tell you that I'm not the only one that feels like this.

My dad has always told me that when you think everyone else in the world has the problem, maybe you should take a look at yourself - and you'll usually find the problem there.

I want a relationship with you. I want to be excited to hear from you whether it's by phone or email or myspace. I want to have a close aunt/niece relationship. But if any of that is ever going to happen, it's going to take some work and compromise. Most especially, it's going to take some GIVE on your part. And I'm not talking about materialistic things.

I want you to know that I do love you with all of my heart and THAT will never change. The only question here is how much healing is needed to repair a broken relationship. And how much I am willing to be a part of your lives and vice versa. Because I'm a grown adult now and I refuse to have people around me that only take from me - mentally and emotionally. I refuse to have people around me that bring me down because they just don't care.

And that's the point I feel we've reached.

The ball is in your court now - what happens or doesn't happen is going to be determined by the wisdom you exercise after reading this email. If you're going to truly LISTEN to what I'm trying to tell you and do something about it. Or if you're just going to get angry and hurt and stay that way.

Just know that I do love you. I do care. And I am perfectly happy to give of myself; so long as I'm not the only one doing all the giving.

Love always,
Amber

Trust me, I'm not waiting with bated breath for her response. I am hoping that it doesn't cause friction between any of the other family members as this is really between her and I; they can deal with their issues with her on their own. But the important thing, at least in my book, is that I got it off my chest. I let her know how I feel, what the problem is, why it is that way, and what the choices are in the matter. I took a stand for myself and didn't go out of my way to be a bitch about it either. She can make her choices and whatever they are, that's fine with me - I'm not too sure that I even care. However, I sure as hell am glad that I spoke up.

And that is that.

Song That SPOKE To Me

This song is my new mantra. Natasha Beddingfield rocks my socks!!

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cause I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole
Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
Ah yeah uh huh that's right
Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cause I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cause you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
Eh I like it this way
Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

Fool-Proof Headache Cure

I woke up with a massive headache this morning. I'm talking about the kind that has your stomach swirling greasily, your eyes aching from the pounding, and your head feeling like it's going to explode. It was the onset of a migraine and I've come to hate those fuckers so I immediately took action. Here is my three-step method to cure the Common Headache:

1.) Two Extra Strength Excedrin or Excedrin Migraine - depending on the severity.
2.) One hot shower.
3.) One self-induced orgasm while in said hot shower. Or two or three, again depending on the severity.

I've found that this has a 98% success rate. Approximately 2% of the time, intervention was not done in time and it has developed into a monster that you need a shot of Demerol and a shot of Imitrex for.

Also, you may need to adjust the number of Excedrins you take, the temperature of your hot water, and the number of orgasms you have.

*Results may vary.

And there you have it. It's now an hour later and the headache has been squashed. Plus, I don't have to go to work till 4pm - how freakin' cool is that?!

I think a nap is needed. I was up wayyyyy past my bedtime last night. Most 22 year olds are staying out till 4am dancing and partying the night away. Me? I was sitting at the S/O visiting with my best friend in my "nutty or nice" pj's and later on, trying to pretend like I wasn't affected by the Ex's presence. Which I failed miserably at. Hmm. I think another kind of intervention may be needed in this case.

Okay, heavy eyes = sleepy time. Happy Headache-curing all! :)

Random Babbling #2

I wish New Year's Eve would hurry up and get here so I can start posting the resolutions. Even if 99.9% of people don't keep their New Year's Resolutions, it's still fun to post them and at least pretend you are going to.

I bought a Happy Bunny poster and taped it to my wall. I look at it randomly throughout the day and it makes me laugh every time. I freaking heart Happy Bunny and that's probably rather juvenille, but that's okay. And do you know why? Because I am okay being me! Haha.

My dad needs to find some time to set up my treadmill. Then I can start USING the damn thing and stop feeling like such a lard ass.

Pneumonia really, really, really, really, really sucks. My lungs still ache and my side stomach muscles are so sore from coughing that I want to cry every time I move. Or at least wince, which I do.

My sister is moving back home this week. *Note to self: hide all make-up, shoes, and other items she likes to "borrow" from me, haha. :) I'm so glad she's moving home though and getting the hell out of that environment.

I hung out with Teresa tonight for a few hours. And seen the Ex. I am longing for the time that I can look at him and feeling NOTHING. Just cold indifference. Maybe a little disgust thrown into the mix for falling for someone with that shallow of a spine. I hate those "surges" of past feelings that get thrown in my face every time I see him. It's hard to deal with it on so many different levels that I don't think I could even begin to explore them all. And definitely not in a comfortable manner at all.

He kept staring at my pajama pants - especially where they meet at the tops of my thighs. I caught him staring at my chest and my lips too. Does it make me a bad person that I take satisfaction in the fact that I can still have an effect on him like that. That I can still make him want me, even though he won't ever have me again? I hate the fact that his eyes seemed to burn wherever they landed on me - that he still has an effect on me, obviously.

Damn him, damn him, damn him! And damn me for being so stupid! Especially for falling in love in three months...

Anyway. I have five more lessons to do and then I am done with my Medical Assistant program and I'll have my degree. I am so excited - I can't believe I'm actually doing this!!

Well, that's enough for me. It's 4:30am and I just got home. Typed these last few paragraphs (I had started the entry earlier) and now sleep is calling my name. I'm exhausted.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and I really wish people would get back from vacations and what not and start updating their journals again!! Haha :).

Merry Christmas! (And thank God it's over!)

Christmas was... well... a lot different than it was last year. In some ways, good... in other ways, not as good.

I can't put my finger on it precisely.

Perhaps it's simply that over the last year, we have all grown so much. We came together to get through a major tragedy that left my family reeling and we had nothing to hold onto but each other and God. This year, we still have God and one another, but maybe we've come to terms with our "new normal" so we didn't have to cling as much to each other.

It was also a little awkward and a little uncomfortable at times celebrating Christmas with my Aunt Chris, Uncle Joe, and the kids as we have not shared that holiday together in almost ten years. The reasons behind this is not something that I want to go into at this time, but if Matt had still be alive, it would have been another year we didn't celebrate with them. The fact that he is gone, and we did, well... it's left a lot of conflicting emotions in my heart.

I think my aunt was trying to make it up to us in a way. She bought us stocking to have down there and stocking stuffers to fill them with. She cooked a huge Christmas dinner and really tried to make it special; the effort was most definitely appreciated.

For the last week or so, I've been being told things that I haven't really liked to hear. My dad said that I could be a very bitter person at times; that I hold onto things from the past and don't let them go and it just festers inside and eats me up. Then Kristin told me that she hasn't seen me lose my temper very often and that usually I'm pretty laid back. But that she seen me do it once and it made her want to stay on my good side. That I was a "fucking bitch" when I am that pissed off and that my mom was right when she told me that when I get mad, I "go for the jugular on people." She and I had been having this deep conversation and I told her that my mom had said that once to me and that it really hurt me and Kristin didn't pull any punches; she said that I do do that.

These things have not been sitting with me comfortably at all, partly because I feel that to an extent they are right - although I hate to admit that. I like to think of myself as kind and sweet and compassionate and all of these good things. But today, I realized that I do have an absolute bitch side that comes out when I feel that my family or myself have been wronged.

I refused to talk to my Aunt Kathy today; even to say "Merry Christmas." She didn't ask to speak with me, but I told everyone if she did, that if they didn't tell her I was busy, it would be on. I'm pissed at her because my mom was telling her about the surprise party we had for her and she didn't even say congratulations! She just said, "oh. That's cool. So guess what Kayla did?! (her youngest daughter)."

She never, and I rarely use the word never because rarely does it apply completely, but she seriously NEVER asks about how any of us are doing. What's going on in our lives. What's new, exciting, or things that have passed away. And if we dare try to tell her something good and happy that's happening in our lives, she has this bored tone in her voice and gives her typical, "oh. cool" response - then turns it back to herself and her family. So. Not only did she not even tell my mom congratulations for busting your ass for five years to get your Bachelor's Degree in Elementary Education - but then she calls me up later that night, demands to talk to me, and starts ripping into me for not telling her about the surprise party.

Excuse me, you effing, self-centered, cow?! (I wish she really was fat! But she's still a dumb animal!)

My mom could tell that something was "off" by looking at my face; probably noticing the stormy expression that was coming over it (my face reads like a book as to what I'm feeling) and she was sending warning looks my way. I managed to apologize for not telling her about the party given the fact that they live 1000 miles away and I had a million minute details to attend to, then asked her "is that all?" "YUP!" I couldn't trust myself to speak by that time so I just handed the phone back to my mom, but she had hung up anyway.

I guess the whole reason I'm writing about this is because a) the situation is really bothering me and b) my response to the situation is really bothering me.

Am I really a bitter person that lets the past eat me up inside? To the point it makes me snappy, irritable, and unhappy at times? "At times" being often enough that my dad has made several comments about it as of late? Am I really that small and petty of a person that I couldn't bring myself to say "Merry Christmas" because I knew it was just going to be all about her and she wouldn't give a rat's ass about anything else? Okay, so that sounds kind of like a justification but still... I just... I don't know.

I don't want to be one of those people that harbors ill feelings toward people to the point that it warps who I am on the inside. I don't want to be an angry, frustrated, depressing, miserable person because of it and I don't want to give them the power to make me feel like that.

I guess I have some serious soul-searching to do and, from the looks of things, a lot of hurt to let go of.

Ugh... Okay, enough of that "down" stuff.

On a more positive note, seeing the kids open their presents was really fun!

"Santa" brought all the kids new bikes and they cleaned up with toys, cds, movies, and board games too. They loved the discmans that Ashley and I bought them and that really made my heart happy. The kids were so excited about everything - from their new toothbrushes in their stockings to their bikes, so that it really made it worthwhile.

And my family loved their gifts. Ashley cried when she opened her book of music. My mom cried when she opened her music/jewelry box that says, "Be Still and KNOW That I Am God" - a scripture she's repeated to herself many times over this last year and a half. I think my dad even got a little choked up when he opened his pocket Bible and read the dedication I had written in there and he was thrilled with the picture of my sister and I in the "Dad" frame. Yeah, you know, the one I sliced my finger on trying to get open! But it was worth it :).

And everyone cried when my mom opened up the present containing the Star Certificate and the corresponding information. We put the letter on top so she could read it first - she read, "A star has been named in Memorial of..." before she broke down. It was touching and well worth it - all of us look up at the sky when we need to feel a bit closer to Matt - now we'll have something specific to be looking at.

My sister gave me a beautiful blackhills gold necklace. It's a silver heart that is open in the middle and has two black hills gold leaves attached to the bottom of it (representative of her and I) and it made me cry.

My dad started a new tradition last year where he buys each of us a piece of special jewelry just from him to us.

Last year, he bought me a Sapphire in the shape of a heart (sapphire is my birthstone) with three diamonds off of it, clustered together to make it look like a tiny leaf and I never take it off. It came with matching earrings and my sister got a ring/earrings as well with Topaz (her birthstone). This year, he got us each a necklace in the shape of a cross - mine has sapphires going down and across it with diamonds in between each of the blue stones. My sister got the same thing except in her birthstone color.

Our presents to one another are very sentimental. Everything from the jewelry from our dad, to the presents from our parents, to the gifts we pick out for one another. Each of us are at the heart of one another and I think THAT is more important than any gift, for any price.

I'm looking around at the presents I have yet to put away - everything from bubble bath sets, to the digital camera/printer combo, the treadmill I begged for (2007 is the year I get in a shape other than round, baby!), to the laptop I am typing on that I got for Christmas last year. I'm looking at my cell phone laying next to my bed and all I can think is, "Oh. My. God."

We... okay, I'm going to make this personal - not about anyone else, although they are included in it as well. But I am so blessed. To be honest, we're even a little spoiled at times although don't let this entry fool you in any way. We've had to work for everything we've wanted from a young age. Lemonade stands, car washes, even selling our colored pictures to raise money before we could get jobs at a legal age. I couldn't get a job when I was 16 because that's the year I had my thyroid taken out and after healing from that, they had to get my meds balanced. But by the time I was 17, I certainly had a job. I was a waitress at Pizza Hut and I have been working ever since. My parents don't pay my bills or support me in any way financially. I bought my first car (an '88 Subaru Justy - LOVED that baby), I bought my second car, third car, and now my 4th car I am currently paying on - a Nissan Altima. I have had to earn every cent of the down payment and make every payment on it thereafter.

I don't know why I'm getting defensive and feeling like I have to defend what I'm writing here. I guess I'm just worried that I'm coming off as some spoiled, snobby, rich, little bitch and that's not it at all.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I guess all I'm saying is that I am more blessed in every way - not just materially - than I recognize. I wonder when I started taking all of this for granted?

I grew up in a three bedroom, one and a half bath, trailer. My sister and I shared a room until I turned 15 and we moved into the house we now live in - the one my parents bought. I remember having to eat oatmeal every day for breakfast for six months because that's all we could afford. And every night it was either potatoes and beans, macarroni and cheese and hot dogs, or something along those lines. When you're a kid, I don't think you realize that you're "poor." It's not until you get older and look back that you kind of go, "whoa..." and the realization hits you.

When I was a little girl, "skip its" were THE popular thing to have. I wanted a skip it so bad. I begged my mom and dad every day for what seemed like forever to get one for me. I didn't know we couldn't afford it - they were struggling with things like rent, car payment, insurance, food, etc. But my daddy went out and using wire and some plastic tubing of some kind, he fashioned a "skip it" I could put around my ankle and twirl. The "ball" on the end was a round stuffed chicken we had - he cut off it's wings, head, and other identifiers, sewed it back up, and attached it to the end. And that was my skip-it. I LOVED that thing and played with it constantly.

I don't know where all this nostalgia is coming from. I guess I just miss the days when things were so simple and all it took to make your hearts desire come true was an hour of your daddy's time and effort.

When did we get to this point where we "have to have" laptops, cell phones, digital cameras, cds, dvds, ipods, etc?

I have New Year's "Resolutions" in the making... but you're also supposed to get a Christmas Wish every year. The idealistic side of me would wish for world peace, and end to world hunger, and cures for every disease out there. But the realistic side of me is going to make this wish:

I wish that everyone, including myself, remembers the joy and magic that comes with simple desires. That we stop, take a look around, and remember to not get caught up in the Spirit of Commercialism... but the Spirit of Giving. That no matter what we received this year for Christmas, that we look past the gift and into the heart of the person giving it. And be thankful that someone loves YOU enough to try and make your every dream a reality.

Merry Christmas, Internet Friends. I'm going to be quite busy over the next couple of days trying to get my life squared away after the hustle and bustle of another holiday come and gone. And to keep recovering from the pneumonia that has knocked me on my butt.

If it's not asking too much, I'd like for you to try and remember Christmas as a child and share a memory of a favorite toy, or something that a person in your life did for you that you didn't realize the significance of until later on in life. Just share a personal memory, a personal story - I know I'm terrible at responding to comments, but I love reading them... so don't be shy! Let's hear it! :)

There Should Be A Law Against This...

Really. I'm serious.

There should be a law against getting sick three days before Christmas.

I woke up this morning at 6:30am after going to bed around 1:30am and I could not breathe. I turned on the light and grabbed frantically at my purse to get my inhaler out and it gave me a little relief. Enough to where I stopped panicking, thinking I was going to die. I heard my mom up and about downstairs so I groggily went down there and tried to tell her I was sick. But my voice was hoarse, gravelly, and the words seemed to be stuck in my chest. I had to cough a few times - I'll spare ya the details about that - before I could finally talk to where she could understand me.

Lungs on fire. Can't hardly breathe. Tried to drink water and it made me sick. So thirsty. Need doctor's appointment, please?

My mom felt my head and I vaguely remember her saying, "Oh My God, Amber! You're burning up!" Then I went and passed out in her bed. Meanwhile, she got me in at 9am with Dr. T and I was awakened at half past eight to get my shoes on and tell them where my keys were at. My dad started my car and warmed it up for me and then I drove my not-very-happy-ass-because-I-hate-being-sick up to the doc and told her what was going on with me. I knew something was up when she took a full five minutes listening to my lungs through my back instead of the cursory, six, "breathe deep's."

"Your lungs are crackling and popping, especially on the right side. Onset of pneumonia - good thing you came in today and didn't wait a few more days before coming in or it would have became a full-fledged case and I probably would have had to have you admitted into the hospital."

I guess that means I'm a lucky girl. And I'm a freakin' genius for going to the doctor; especially when you feel like you can't breathe and your lungs are on fire and you feel like you've just been tackled by a Green Bay Packer lineman! Yay! for being smart... haha.

*Please note that the last part of that is just me being sarcastic. I tend to get very sarcastic and a wee bit cranky when I am sick.

Anyway, they gave me a Z-Pack so I should start feeling better in the next day or two. And she gave me some Phenegren (anti-nausea medicine) so I'll stop having the urge to vomit every time I try and get myself hydrated. Apparently, your stomach doesn't like it much when ick is draining into it from your sinuses and lungs. Who would have thought it?

One last thing before I go take a hot bath, climb into my favorite, well-worn, comfortable, pajamas, and settle down to watch a movie and get S-L-E-E-P. This is a very serious question, everyone.

Is it just me...

... or is Google taking over the world??? HAHAHAHA!

Pinky and the Brain is flashing through my head now. And really, I'm only kidding. But the three sites I visit the most for "fun" on the internet is now powered by Google. My email (gmail) - but that was established before they became more than just my favorite search engine. Now they have taken over blogspot and myspace. Who knows what is next? *Dun dun dun dun...*

Just kidding.

I love Google but in my sleep-starved, sick, state - it's taking on a sinister, Big Brother, type of... thing.

Err... yeah. It's time for a bath, jammies, and bed. I'll be feeling better tomorrow as I REFUSE to be sick on Christmas.

Fuck you, pneumonia. You may have won THIS battle, but you won't win the war!!

*Cue manic laughter*

Oh my God... I should not be allowed near my laptop right now. Forgive me, Internet, for I have just posted quite possibly the most retarded entry ever.

Good night and Merry Christmas to all!!! (If I am whisked off to GJ before I am able to post again).

SURPRISE!!! (Party)

The surprise party went absolutely fantastic!! It's been several hours since we all got home and I'm still thrilled with how things turned out.

My mom was 110% surprised; my dad walked in with her, we all yelled "SURPRISE!" and she covered her mouth with her hands and started crying.

*Side note: Teresa says that my family is the "most crying-est family I've [she's] ever met." So when my mom started to cry looking around at the family and friends that had gathered to celebrate her accomplishment, she sidled over to me and said, "well, we've just set a new record - got your mom to cry in 2.6 seconds." I laughed - couldn't help myself.

Anyway, the food was perfect, everyone was laughing and talking the whole time, my mom opened presents, and toasts and speeches were made by several people, my mom included.

My dad raised his glass to my mom after getting the attention of everyone in the room and said, "Dear, five years of college, three kids, two dogs, one cat, a home, and a husband. You did it and I'm proud of you."

Well said, dad. Well said. He's a man of few words, but when he speaks, they mean something.

Gerald, my dad's ex-boss of 14 years, stood up and made a speech too. He told everyone about how bad he pissed her off when she first told him that he was going back to school because he told her that she'd never finish. He told the entire story of what he said about how she had started and never finished a dozen things and this was bound to be another one of them and then looked right at her and told her he stood corrected. That he was very proud of her and her accomplishment(s) and that he was dead wrong. Then he presented her with a pair of real diamond and emerald earrings, gave her a big hug, and came over to lecture my sister and I.

Gerald is infamous for his belief in higher education and Ashley and I both got the full spiel about how if our mother could do it with all the odds against her and my parents could build a full and happy life in their forties, we damn sure could do it in our twenties without the complications of marriage and children.

My mom stood up and started thanking everyone, especially her family. She said that with the loss of Matt, the remodeling of the house, and all the other major things that have happened in the past five years, she did it - but she owed it to the grace of God and her family for supporting her, encouraging her, pushing her, and helping her to the finish line. And yes, she was choked up the entire time.

I stood up and said that everything that needed said had already been said except two things:

1.) It wasn't three children, it was four with a pointed look in my dad's direction (only a joke) and 2.) She met another goal tonight: setting the World's Record for crying the most tears at one event.

Then I told her I love her and how proud I am of her and presented her with the gifts from us.

Lip balm (she loves Burt's Beeswax), two charms for her bracelet - one that says, "Class of 2007" and one that says, "Special Teacher." Then her main gift which is a thing you can hang on the wall that says, "Never pass up a chance to say a kind word." Her big thing is complete intolerance of unkindness toward others - I figured she could hang it up in her classroom and use it as her class motto which is exactly what she's going to do.

So all in all, it went great and I'm so thankful to my sister for picking up the flower arrangements and hauling them to the Cafe. For my dad for footing the ridiculously large bill and getting her there without her suspecting a thing. To the entire staff at the Cafe for going out of there way to make it special for my mom; they all made a card and signed it, set up candles, put up red tablecloths because it's her favorite color, swept and mopped the floors till they glistened, and the excellent service that was provided.

In other news, Little Shadow went home tonight with her family. She's calling me "my pretty Amer" now and was asking her mother, "where my pretty Amer at?" as they were leaving. Thank God we're going down there this weekend to spend Christmas - I already miss that child!

I had a hair appointment today and I got it WHACKED. They cut five inches off and what was hair down to my bra strap, is now sitting on my shoulders, layered and very sassy looking. It's mature, sexy, and, well, sassy so needless to say - it fits me to perfection, haha. I was totally giddy on the inside when I left the salon - I love my new look! They added some chesnut highlights so now I'm a dark brunette, with lighter colored brown highlights. As soon as I can get some pictures, I'll get them scanned in and show it off even though I'm completely camera-phobic.

My Christmas shopping is done, except for Teresa's present that I'm picking up this weekend, all the presents are wrapped, and I'll be leaving Saturday until Monday night. I can't believe Christmas is almost here. Then right around the corner it's the start of a brand new year.

On my old diary-x journal, New Year's Eve of 2005, I wrote about how I didn't have a really good feeling about the impending year. Three days later, we found out that my sister was miscarrying a baby. Three months later, my brother was killed. At the beginning of 2006, I don't really remember what I wrote - I think I was still pretty much in shock over everything that had happened that year. But at the beginning of this year, we had to put MY dog of 11 years to sleep, my Aunt Jenny died of cancer, and we've all been just... dealing with the aftermath of some tough things.

But this year, my friends, 2007? It's going to be a GREAT year. I don't know how, I don't know why I feel that way, I don't have a glass ball that I can read exactly what is going to happen. But something in my spirit is whispering that wonderful things will be happening.

Maybe it's "just" hope speaking saying, "well, the last two years have been pretty shitty, so this year things have GOT to turn around." But for some reason... I just feel like it's more than that. I love New Year's Eve; I think it's the sense of freshness it brings. Endless possibilities, miracles just around the corner... a time to make the old things worth having/keeping new and let others pass away. I don't know. All I know is I'm excited to see what the New Year brings!

And I'll continue to grow. To become a grown, mature, woman. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a little girl pretending to play "Adult." I wonder if that feeling ever goes away? I feel like I have to pretend like I've got it all together, that I'm confident in the direction(s) I'm taking, and that I've got a Plan B and C if Plan A falls through. Some days, I do feel like all of that is true - that I'm a 22 year old who has got it goin' on! Then there are days where I look around and I think, "this can't possibly be right! Such and such can't have just gotten married or had a baby or finished college... we're all supposed to be out back making mud and figuring out how to scam a dollar out of our parents so we can go to the pool and swim all afternoon!"

But those days are long past. And here's a few of the things that I've learned about myself over the past year or so:

I am reasonably intelligent, too compassionate at times, too trusting at times, I over-think situations and people way too much, I have a very quirky sense of humor that can have a perverted edge, I lean toward taking myself too seriously and have to be reminded to just chill out every once in a while, I push the people I love and am slowly finding that there is a balance even in that, I'm a good listener, I'm a good talker when I have something to say. I think broken hearts suck, cheap wine is underrated, chocolate really can solve all your problems some days, Happy Bunny is hilarious, and the library and Wal-Mart laundry aisle are two of the best places ever. Despite being jaded and cynical at times, I still believe in true love. I have an extremist personality and sometimes I either have to step outside myself, or someone that I trust, has to pull me back in closer toward the middle of things. I love deeply and whole-heartedly and hurt the same. I tend to show anger before hurt. I hate cooking unless I'm in the mood to do it and then I love it. I miss my brother and will have a lifetime of regret for not being a better sister to him. I am detail-orientated and try to make the people in my life feel special and appreciated. I need to say "no" more often, especially when I get to the point where I know I need MY time. I have to make myself a priority - in every aspect; mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc. If I don't, then nothing else will matter because eventually I'll start wasting away and nothing I do or say will have any kind of joy in it.

I'm learning that you don't HAVE to settle. That old saying, "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" - I'm sure you've all heard it. Well, I appreciate the sentiment behind it, but I'm calling bull! If life hands you lemons and you don't like lemons, then find someone who does, sell them the damn things and let them make the lemonade. Then you can take that money and buy something you do want. Life is going to hand you some things that you don't particularly like or care for - the point is: it's up to you what you do with those things. You don't have to just settle and make yourself some lemonade that you're going to resent drinking because it's bitter without sugar.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but hey... I tried. :)

Anyway, I think that's about it for now. I've got to get some sleep. One baby that keeps you up till 2am and then awakens you at 8:30am saying, "I have to go potty" then won't settle down back into sleep. One surprise party that has you running around like a crazy chicken all day. Two alcoholic beverages and one really yummy dinner equals your body screaming for sleep.

No more thinking and no more writing for tonight. I've got a lot of packing and a lot of cleaning and last minute errands to run tomorrow. So bedtime it is.

Goodnight, sweet dreams, and Merry Christmas to you all! :)

The start of many random entries...

I sliced the crap out of my finger with the metal cuticle pusher I was using to get the screws loose on the photograph frame I got for my dad. It says "DAD" at the bottom and around it, it says "You have a special place in my heart" and "You encourage me greatly." I put a really cute picture of my sister and I in it (once my mom gets her scanner hooked up to the new computer, I'll post some pictures: stay tuned!). I started to swear, but caught myself as my Little Shadow was sitting next to me, watching the process of preparing presents and wrapping them up. As I bit off the words that came to the tip of my tongue, I looked at her and she started crying seeing the blood.

Instantly, the fact that I was dripping blood everywhere and the fact that my finger was throbbing like a mo-fo became second. I had to take her into the bathroom with me and let her see the blood rinse off from my finger and show her that it "didn't hurt" as I put a band-aid on it. She calmed down and is now laying next to me on my bed watching "Nemo" for the 9th time in two days while I type this entry. She loves that movie and doesn't want to watch any other. And since she is a night person like me, she stays up quite late and it takes watching the movie two times minimum before she finally tells me she's sleepy.

It's great being the favorite cousin at times. I get all the "luvins" (hugs and kisses), she always wants me to hold her, she gets excited when I come home from work and runs to me for me to pick her up; then proceeds to cling to me for a good fifteen minutes. She won't say anything at all to anyone, just hangs on to my neck. She listens when I tell her "no" (yeah, like that happens very often, I know!), and she loves being my "helper."

However, it does have some down sides...

Like she copies the things that I say, so I have to be very careful about what I say around her. She's started to say "chill out!" and "haha neener-neener!" among other things. It cracks me up but I can just see her saying that at the wrong time and getting into trouble. She also is saying, "I'm a pretty princess" and, a quote she picked up from me that was jokingly made to my mother, "don't question the princess!" Oops. And when I call her my Little Shadow I'm not kidding. I can't even go to the bathroom without her coming in or at least trying to open the door. She won't go to sleep unless she is tucked into the corner of my arm, with her head sharing space on my pillow. And I have to give her my undivided attention - which includes at 2:00am when I think she's finally asleep so I start drifting off only to hear, "Amer, I have to go potty." I dizzily got up and helped her to the bathroom and she thought it was so funny that I tripped and stubbed my toe that she told me she had to go potty three more times just so I would have to get up. I'm assuming she was hoping I would stub my toe again.

She has been singing Christmas songs all week (at least all the words she knows) and Jingle Bells is included in this. Today, after she finished singing it, I sang her another version:

Jingle Bells
Batman Smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile, lost its wheel
And the Joker got a way!
HEY!

Now she's trying to memorize that and sing it but mostly she just sings, "Batman smells, joker got away, HEY!"

She is seriously too cute for words. But of course, I'm not biased at all! Judge for yourself:



But seriously, I'm so glad she got to stay this week and I'm getting to spend so much time with her. She is the youngest grandchild there will ever be (as all of that generation has been snipped or tied) and I am the eldest grandchild. Our names both start with "A" and our birthdays fall on the 25th of the month (mine in September, hers in March). There's exactly a 19 1/2 year age difference and when I was living in GJ, I baby-sat her every day while her mom was going to school for her LPN. We have a definite bond and I haven't gotten to spend much time with her over the past few months.

Anyway, suffice to say, I'm lovin' every minute of it - even when I have to chase her out of the bathroom so I can pee.

Today is my parent's 19th wedding anniversary and they had a nice dinner together. They're going to cut out the thing in the paper about them and frame it to kind of commemorate their anniversary.

My boss called my parent's phone again this morning after I specifically told her not to. Not only that, but she woke me up at 8:00 in the damn morning after being up with the baby. I am the world's worst morning person under normal circumstances (like when I get a decent amount of sleep maybe?) - Teresa can vouch for that. I was still half asleep when I called her back and I said, "TweakerBoss, did you just call my parent's phone AGAIN?!" She started apologizing all over herself and said she had been trying to reach another girl and didn't realize she had called my parent's house. I said, "okay, no problem... sorry, I'm still half asleep and only caught part of the message. Have a good one." Tonight, she had been drinking (as usual) and told me that I was an asshole and we would talk later, but not to worry; I wasn't fired. I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her shit so I just said, "you know TweakerBoss, I don't really think there's anything to discuss later. I apologize if I was grouchy this morning; I didn't get much sleep, was half asleep when I talked to you, and thought that you had went against an expressed wish." She just said "okay" and went back to her drink.

Really. How appropriate is it for the boss to call you an asshole? But then, she really doesn't care about what is and isn't appropriate and what is and isn't professional given the fact that she parties with her underage staff and asks teenagers to score dope for her.

There are some days where I am very thankful for my job. That I have a flexible schedule, decent pay, and the freedom to study during down time. Then there are the days where I'm like FUCK! WHY DO I STAY AND PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT?!

Hopefully, I won't have to put up with it for much longer. As of today, I completed Lesson 13 out of 20 and they are shipping me my last seven lessons before I get my MA Degree. As it stands, I've scored 10 100's and 3 95's on my exams so I'm still a straight "A" student. I'm hoping this will get me a good job and prepare a great foundation for me as I go further with my education. I cannot wait to be finished and have an actual degree under my belt. I think it's really going to give me something to feel good about myself.

I got the treadmill I asked for for Christmas. My parents went with Mike and Danyella and Mike and my dad hauled it in the other day, huffing and puffing. My mom said, "well sis, it's too heavy to wrap and there's no place to hide it so Merry early Christmas!" I cannot wait for Friday when Mike stops by and he and my dad set it up in my room. It's one that you can store upright or store under the bed and has quite a few settings that I'm anxious to explore. Mostly though, I just want to get my ass in gear with the whole exercise thing, haha.

New Year's Resolutions here I come!! :)

We're spending Christmas down in GJ (I think I've mentioned this) so I will be AWOL for a few days starting, probably, Saturday. I think I'm going to take Friday night to unwind after this long week and have a night to myself.

My mom's surprise party is Thursday night. All the guests have RSVP'ed (23 in all), the dinner menu has been turned into the cook, and all the other arrangements have been made. All that's left to do is get the flowers, balloons, and her present(s) and get her there without her expecting anything. Little Shadow is going to my mom's 2nd grade class's Christmas present and she'll be taking her for the rest of the afternoon which works out perfectly for me. I have a lot to do Thursday afternoon - it's just a matter of getting everything taken care of and keeping her under the illusion that I'm at work. No pressure, right?

Well, I'm being paged to "look! NEMO!"

Apparently, she's decided my computer time is over with for now, haha. I hope to update again soon - hope everyone is having a great week! Sorry I've been so horrible with reading your journals but I promise to get caught up next week!

A Quickie

My cousin is two years old and is most definitely the cutest two year old terror around. She has three siblings - the oldest who is 12, then the next who is 11, and then the almost 7 year old. Needless to say, she has learned a lot from them.

"Whatever"

"What the heck?!"

"You scared the crap out of me"

... Those are only three of the phrases we've been hearing the last few days. Some of the time, it's hilarious. Other times, not so good. But how is a two year old supposed to know when it's appropriate to say "whatever"?

She is definitely "my girl" though - she loves her cousin! I hum this little song to her and have ever since she was a baby. The other day, she climbed up into my lap and since I thought she was tired, I started to hum it. She said, "Amer (this is what she calls me), don't sing that!" I said, "why not?" and she goes, "cuz it makes me sleepy." Later that same day, she once again climbed up into my lap to be rocked and held, but this time she was ready for night-night because she said, "Amer, sing my song to me please?" So. Cute!

I adore this child in case you haven't gotten that by now.

Apparently, we are going down to GJ for Christmas this year. My aunt and uncle like the kids to wake up in their own beds on Christmas Day because of "santa." My parents are going down on Friday, but I think I'll go down Saturday night. It would be nice to have a night to myself with no one around; just relaxing with a bottle of wine and a good book or a movie night.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to study when your little cousin keeps coming up with a ball and wanting to play? Or wants you to watch "her baby." Or wants to sit in your lap and turn the pages of your book while you're trying to read about the immune system and all the various cells that make it up. I did; however, get done with Lesson 11 last night and I got a 100% on the exam which made me really happy. Only two more unit lessons on Anatomy/Physiology, then I am DONE with it and on the home slide toward my degree. WOOHOO!

I finally convinced Teresa to do something with her GI Bill that will pay for her college and she is going to get her AA in Criminal Justice. At least to start with - I think she'll eventually get her Masters, but for now, it's enough that she is challenging herself. She's been bored and unhappy with her current job for a long time and I'm way excited for her!

It's going to be a busy week. I have to work today, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Thursday I have to go down to C to pick up Danyella and the girls. We're going to get a big congratulations cake, flowers, and balloons for my mom's surprise party later that night. I have to turn in the list of who is eating what so the cook can order what they need. I have to get through my last two lessons so I am not stressing about school over the holidays. I'm baby-sitting during the day until my mom gets home from school to take over with Angel. I have to finish my Christmas shopping this week and get the rest of the presents wrapped.

I think I need to make a "to-do" list. I always do better with lists and organization. I'm a bit of a control freak like that. I bought a different color of Christmas wrapping paper for each person and wrapped all their presents in that specific color. Then numbered the presents in order that they are to open them, with each person getting a "wild card" present that they can open at any time.

Anyway, as far as my old journal goes. It really pisses me off that I had to delete it - I had finally felt like I found my "blogging home" again after the catastrophe of diary-x. But when random people from your hometown find your blog, then try to use the information in it against the people you love - or at least care about - what can you do? I had to do what I did to protect them and their jobs. I didn't advertise my blog address, but I do trust people too easily. A lesson that needs to get from my head to my heart because more often than not, I get burned by trusting people.

I was raised to believe that everyone is pretty much good and to give people the benefit of the doubt. But life and experience is trying to teach me the opposite of that. I guess there's a difference in believing that, but also making people EARN your trust and your respect.

I just pray that deleting my entire "internet life" and starting over with a completely new name that is untraceable to anything else will be enough to avert any drama that may try and come into play. Without the hard copies of those things, I guess it would be impossible to prove anything - it's all heresy. Keep your fingers crossed...

Well, I have to get back to the ketchup-covered two year old that just finished her lunch. I will try to update as often as I can this week, but it's going to be hectic. And I have to figure out this new template and where to add links. Just bear with me! Next week should mark the start of things calming down; but with my life, who knows? There always seems to be something!

Starting Over

This is the third time I have had to start over with my blog.

The first was due to the "Great Crash of 2006" over on diary-x which resulted in two years of my documented life being lost forever.

The second was due to the fact that there are real-life jerks out in the world. One of these people from my hometown found my journal and proceeded to spread it around. There was some rather... sensitive information in it that could have caused some trouble for people that I care about deeply. That, and the fact that people who know me in "real life" was reading my deepest, most personal, thoughts, experiences, and feelings, made me uncomfortable.

So here I am... starting over for hopefully the last time. I will be adding the posts I saved from my other journal as I have the time.