Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It's Off to GJ I Go! (And other tidbits)

It's almost 12:30pm and I just woke up about 45 minutes ago - although my parents (especially my dad) would have a fit if they (he) knew that. I don't really know what's been going on with me lately, but I am tired. The small things just wear me out and I'm kind of wondering if my thyroid hormone is off, but I'm praying that it's not. That would mean a med change and those just absolutely suck; I don't want to have to deal with that in the midst of all this either.

Last night, around 2:00am, I was in that strange half-awake/half-asleep Twilight Zone kind of place. And I remember thinking about the cost of this move, how I'm going to have to play catch up on bills for a month or two, trying to calculate how much money I'll be making as I looked up the average pay for CNA's in the GJ area, and so on. I started having a panic attack thinking about all this responsibility that is on my shoulders. Maybe it's not so much the responsibility that is on my shoulders, but the fact that I HAVE to make a choice - I feel a little trapped. This is why I like keeping a lot of options open and giving myself time to mull it over/prepare for it. But I am kind of jumping right in this time and trusting that things will work themselves out. It's scary! I am wanting to get ahead and not be forever watching my hard-earned paychecks disappear as I pay my bills every month.

I guess it just dawned on me that I am walking into the blind, more or less. I have no job, no savings that is worth mentioning, and I have no apartment down there. It's a bit nerve-wracking when you start looking at what the facts are now, instead of focusing on where you'll be at a few months from now. Plus, I truly hate living alone. I grew up in a busy, busy, busy house. There was always something going on (not neccessarily drama either). My brother and sister were quite the popular ones and always had friends over. I was very involved with academics and school programs - like Student Council. Yeah, I was kind of a dork. But even when I was at home, studying or whatever, there was just movement and noise all the time. That is what I am used to. So when I live on my own, it gets too quiet and it bothers me. It can also be scary at 3am, with strange noises outside and the slightest board creaking.

Yeah, yeah - I'm a big 'fraidy cat! So what? :P

I am considering finding a two bedroom place so that I can get a roommate, someone to share the rent with. While I was drowsy and in the process of falling asleep, I mentally composed this ad: ROOMMATE WANTED. Prefer female. Reasonably clean, quiet. Responsible. No partiers and no psychos. Contact me at xxx.xxx.xxxx for more information.

It could work?

I have to get a shower, get packed, fill up my gas tank, check the air in my tires, etc. before I leave. I'll probably arrive around 4:00 this afternoon, which will give me an evening to spend time with the kids before I start The Job Hunt. I'll pick up a GJ paper before I go so I can look through the job openings and apartments for rent. I'm pretty familiar with the area as I lived down there for a year previously, so I kind of know what areas are safe, which ones are decent, and which ones are a big no-no. If I don't recognize a street or whatever, my aunt and uncle have lived there for nearly 1o years so they'll be able to help.

In the last week or so, I've "found" some really interesting, cool, new people and have added them to the "My Fave Reads" list. Egan, Jedimerc, and I have completely different lives.

Egan is passive-aggressive, bouncing with life and energy, and is always asking questions of people that are designed to open your mind, making you analyze the "why" behind your opinions. He and his wife are expecting their first child and the level of emotion you feel from his words when he writes about his unborn child... well, it's intense and it makes me cry.

Jedimerc is well-traveled, well-educated, divorced, and on a journey to self-understanding. To figuring out his place in this world; where he fits and why. He is a very intense person and his writing reflects this. He's been through a lot and I get the feeling that he's finally starting to pay attention to all of that and letting it make him grow.

And I... well, I'm 22 years old, trying to grow up and be an adult. I'm terrified and confused and excited about all these changes that come with stepping into the adult world and am making my way forward, one step at a time. I get impatient with myself and sometimes have to remember to just slow down and smell the roses.

None of us really have anything in common as far as who we are, other than a shared passion for blogging. But these two men have both lost a brother. Both of them have written about it, at least a small part of it, in this last week and touched something in my heart. I can feel their grief, their pain, the shock that still comes in spite of the reluctant acceptance you gain when you are forced to face reality. So much feeling, so hard to describe. But I know all of it, because it is mine as well. I haven't met anyone IRL or on the net thus far that has lost a brother, with the exception of one kind, older lady who works in the laundry up at the hospital. People try to relate and with the best of intentions, tell you the story of their great-great Uncle Meryl's funeral that they went to when they were eight. They know, and you know, that it doesn't even come close, but you appreciate their effort so you smile, hug them, and say thank you. They walk away with relief and you still feel numb.

I guess I'm just saying that seeing them write about their tragedy, even if only a few short sentences, has helped me in some ways.

I don't feel as alone or isolated. Because even knowing in your head that you aren't the only one that has ever lost a brother, it's different when you're confronted with the reality that countless others have had beloved brothers, whose lives were also ended prematurely. And there are others out there struggling with it; you recognize the struggle and therefore feel a bit of a connection because you relate, you understand.

In any case, they are both wonderful reads - inspiring people that will make you laugh and make you think. I hope they both know that as painful as it is to write about or talk about some days, that by sharing their loss, even in the smallest of ways, it touches people.

I feel inadequate trying to express my feelings on this, but I guess that's the best I can do and I'll leave it at that.

My sister made it safely to Florida and was absolutely thrilled when she texted me to tell me that she was at the beach and LOVING it. She called this morning at not quite 7am and I vaguely remember talking to her. She wanted to talk to mom and I said, "Ashley, it's not even 7am yet - nobody is awake!" To which she immediately got an attitude with. "Well sorrrrryyyyyyy, Amber! I'm at the beach, two hours ahead of you guys and I didn't REALIZE!" "Ashley - drop the damn attitude. I'll have mom call you when she gets up. Have fun, I love you." "I love you too, BYE!"

Teresa has told me that I've been that angsty and attitude-ish when I was 19 (although I don't remember ever being as bad as her), but said that I was also responsible. Something my sister is clearly not.

I love my sister very much, nothing will ever change that. I'd be lying though, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to moving to GJ because I am not going to have to deal with her crap as much. I know that sounds horribly selfish. She can just be very difficult at times; she needs to get her life together. We've given her the options, pointed her in the right direction, and offered to walk the road with her. It's all up to her now and you were all right when you guys said that I can't be responsible for her - I can't. I can be supportive and encouraging, but not responsible. Ashley is so caught up in what she's going through, and has been for a while, that she can't think past that. It's rare that I get anything besides bitter, snappy, angry, etc. from her. Or I say something to hurt her feelings (very easy to do)... or just something. The rare times where we laugh together or spend time with one another and aren't arguing or nit-picking, are times that I treasure. I pray that eventually she's going to grow out of all of it.

Anyway. I was going to do some kind of "ten more things you didn't know about me" but I can't think of anything at the moment. And I really need to get my butt on a move if I am going to ever get out of here.

So take care, fellow bloggers and Dear Readers! I shall be back Thursday night and you can be expecting an update from me then. I'll also be looking forward to catching up on everything I'll be missing with all of you! :) If it wasn't absolutely neccessary, I so would not be going anywhere for four days where I do not have internet access. C'est la vi, I suppose!

Have a great week, everyone!