Merry Christmas! (And thank God it's over!)

Christmas was... well... a lot different than it was last year. In some ways, good... in other ways, not as good.

I can't put my finger on it precisely.

Perhaps it's simply that over the last year, we have all grown so much. We came together to get through a major tragedy that left my family reeling and we had nothing to hold onto but each other and God. This year, we still have God and one another, but maybe we've come to terms with our "new normal" so we didn't have to cling as much to each other.

It was also a little awkward and a little uncomfortable at times celebrating Christmas with my Aunt Chris, Uncle Joe, and the kids as we have not shared that holiday together in almost ten years. The reasons behind this is not something that I want to go into at this time, but if Matt had still be alive, it would have been another year we didn't celebrate with them. The fact that he is gone, and we did, well... it's left a lot of conflicting emotions in my heart.

I think my aunt was trying to make it up to us in a way. She bought us stocking to have down there and stocking stuffers to fill them with. She cooked a huge Christmas dinner and really tried to make it special; the effort was most definitely appreciated.

For the last week or so, I've been being told things that I haven't really liked to hear. My dad said that I could be a very bitter person at times; that I hold onto things from the past and don't let them go and it just festers inside and eats me up. Then Kristin told me that she hasn't seen me lose my temper very often and that usually I'm pretty laid back. But that she seen me do it once and it made her want to stay on my good side. That I was a "fucking bitch" when I am that pissed off and that my mom was right when she told me that when I get mad, I "go for the jugular on people." She and I had been having this deep conversation and I told her that my mom had said that once to me and that it really hurt me and Kristin didn't pull any punches; she said that I do do that.

These things have not been sitting with me comfortably at all, partly because I feel that to an extent they are right - although I hate to admit that. I like to think of myself as kind and sweet and compassionate and all of these good things. But today, I realized that I do have an absolute bitch side that comes out when I feel that my family or myself have been wronged.

I refused to talk to my Aunt Kathy today; even to say "Merry Christmas." She didn't ask to speak with me, but I told everyone if she did, that if they didn't tell her I was busy, it would be on. I'm pissed at her because my mom was telling her about the surprise party we had for her and she didn't even say congratulations! She just said, "oh. That's cool. So guess what Kayla did?! (her youngest daughter)."

She never, and I rarely use the word never because rarely does it apply completely, but she seriously NEVER asks about how any of us are doing. What's going on in our lives. What's new, exciting, or things that have passed away. And if we dare try to tell her something good and happy that's happening in our lives, she has this bored tone in her voice and gives her typical, "oh. cool" response - then turns it back to herself and her family. So. Not only did she not even tell my mom congratulations for busting your ass for five years to get your Bachelor's Degree in Elementary Education - but then she calls me up later that night, demands to talk to me, and starts ripping into me for not telling her about the surprise party.

Excuse me, you effing, self-centered, cow?! (I wish she really was fat! But she's still a dumb animal!)

My mom could tell that something was "off" by looking at my face; probably noticing the stormy expression that was coming over it (my face reads like a book as to what I'm feeling) and she was sending warning looks my way. I managed to apologize for not telling her about the party given the fact that they live 1000 miles away and I had a million minute details to attend to, then asked her "is that all?" "YUP!" I couldn't trust myself to speak by that time so I just handed the phone back to my mom, but she had hung up anyway.

I guess the whole reason I'm writing about this is because a) the situation is really bothering me and b) my response to the situation is really bothering me.

Am I really a bitter person that lets the past eat me up inside? To the point it makes me snappy, irritable, and unhappy at times? "At times" being often enough that my dad has made several comments about it as of late? Am I really that small and petty of a person that I couldn't bring myself to say "Merry Christmas" because I knew it was just going to be all about her and she wouldn't give a rat's ass about anything else? Okay, so that sounds kind of like a justification but still... I just... I don't know.

I don't want to be one of those people that harbors ill feelings toward people to the point that it warps who I am on the inside. I don't want to be an angry, frustrated, depressing, miserable person because of it and I don't want to give them the power to make me feel like that.

I guess I have some serious soul-searching to do and, from the looks of things, a lot of hurt to let go of.

Ugh... Okay, enough of that "down" stuff.

On a more positive note, seeing the kids open their presents was really fun!

"Santa" brought all the kids new bikes and they cleaned up with toys, cds, movies, and board games too. They loved the discmans that Ashley and I bought them and that really made my heart happy. The kids were so excited about everything - from their new toothbrushes in their stockings to their bikes, so that it really made it worthwhile.

And my family loved their gifts. Ashley cried when she opened her book of music. My mom cried when she opened her music/jewelry box that says, "Be Still and KNOW That I Am God" - a scripture she's repeated to herself many times over this last year and a half. I think my dad even got a little choked up when he opened his pocket Bible and read the dedication I had written in there and he was thrilled with the picture of my sister and I in the "Dad" frame. Yeah, you know, the one I sliced my finger on trying to get open! But it was worth it :).

And everyone cried when my mom opened up the present containing the Star Certificate and the corresponding information. We put the letter on top so she could read it first - she read, "A star has been named in Memorial of..." before she broke down. It was touching and well worth it - all of us look up at the sky when we need to feel a bit closer to Matt - now we'll have something specific to be looking at.

My sister gave me a beautiful blackhills gold necklace. It's a silver heart that is open in the middle and has two black hills gold leaves attached to the bottom of it (representative of her and I) and it made me cry.

My dad started a new tradition last year where he buys each of us a piece of special jewelry just from him to us.

Last year, he bought me a Sapphire in the shape of a heart (sapphire is my birthstone) with three diamonds off of it, clustered together to make it look like a tiny leaf and I never take it off. It came with matching earrings and my sister got a ring/earrings as well with Topaz (her birthstone). This year, he got us each a necklace in the shape of a cross - mine has sapphires going down and across it with diamonds in between each of the blue stones. My sister got the same thing except in her birthstone color.

Our presents to one another are very sentimental. Everything from the jewelry from our dad, to the presents from our parents, to the gifts we pick out for one another. Each of us are at the heart of one another and I think THAT is more important than any gift, for any price.

I'm looking around at the presents I have yet to put away - everything from bubble bath sets, to the digital camera/printer combo, the treadmill I begged for (2007 is the year I get in a shape other than round, baby!), to the laptop I am typing on that I got for Christmas last year. I'm looking at my cell phone laying next to my bed and all I can think is, "Oh. My. God."

We... okay, I'm going to make this personal - not about anyone else, although they are included in it as well. But I am so blessed. To be honest, we're even a little spoiled at times although don't let this entry fool you in any way. We've had to work for everything we've wanted from a young age. Lemonade stands, car washes, even selling our colored pictures to raise money before we could get jobs at a legal age. I couldn't get a job when I was 16 because that's the year I had my thyroid taken out and after healing from that, they had to get my meds balanced. But by the time I was 17, I certainly had a job. I was a waitress at Pizza Hut and I have been working ever since. My parents don't pay my bills or support me in any way financially. I bought my first car (an '88 Subaru Justy - LOVED that baby), I bought my second car, third car, and now my 4th car I am currently paying on - a Nissan Altima. I have had to earn every cent of the down payment and make every payment on it thereafter.

I don't know why I'm getting defensive and feeling like I have to defend what I'm writing here. I guess I'm just worried that I'm coming off as some spoiled, snobby, rich, little bitch and that's not it at all.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. I guess all I'm saying is that I am more blessed in every way - not just materially - than I recognize. I wonder when I started taking all of this for granted?

I grew up in a three bedroom, one and a half bath, trailer. My sister and I shared a room until I turned 15 and we moved into the house we now live in - the one my parents bought. I remember having to eat oatmeal every day for breakfast for six months because that's all we could afford. And every night it was either potatoes and beans, macarroni and cheese and hot dogs, or something along those lines. When you're a kid, I don't think you realize that you're "poor." It's not until you get older and look back that you kind of go, "whoa..." and the realization hits you.

When I was a little girl, "skip its" were THE popular thing to have. I wanted a skip it so bad. I begged my mom and dad every day for what seemed like forever to get one for me. I didn't know we couldn't afford it - they were struggling with things like rent, car payment, insurance, food, etc. But my daddy went out and using wire and some plastic tubing of some kind, he fashioned a "skip it" I could put around my ankle and twirl. The "ball" on the end was a round stuffed chicken we had - he cut off it's wings, head, and other identifiers, sewed it back up, and attached it to the end. And that was my skip-it. I LOVED that thing and played with it constantly.

I don't know where all this nostalgia is coming from. I guess I just miss the days when things were so simple and all it took to make your hearts desire come true was an hour of your daddy's time and effort.

When did we get to this point where we "have to have" laptops, cell phones, digital cameras, cds, dvds, ipods, etc?

I have New Year's "Resolutions" in the making... but you're also supposed to get a Christmas Wish every year. The idealistic side of me would wish for world peace, and end to world hunger, and cures for every disease out there. But the realistic side of me is going to make this wish:

I wish that everyone, including myself, remembers the joy and magic that comes with simple desires. That we stop, take a look around, and remember to not get caught up in the Spirit of Commercialism... but the Spirit of Giving. That no matter what we received this year for Christmas, that we look past the gift and into the heart of the person giving it. And be thankful that someone loves YOU enough to try and make your every dream a reality.

Merry Christmas, Internet Friends. I'm going to be quite busy over the next couple of days trying to get my life squared away after the hustle and bustle of another holiday come and gone. And to keep recovering from the pneumonia that has knocked me on my butt.

If it's not asking too much, I'd like for you to try and remember Christmas as a child and share a memory of a favorite toy, or something that a person in your life did for you that you didn't realize the significance of until later on in life. Just share a personal memory, a personal story - I know I'm terrible at responding to comments, but I love reading them... so don't be shy! Let's hear it! :)