Anyway, without further ado... here is the
Dear Aunt Kathy,
First off, let me tell you that this email is not written with the intention of hurting your feelings, starting any "wars," or causing any drama. There are simply some things on my chest that I need to get off and I feel that writing it is better than trying to talk about it in this particular case. I would appreciate it if you would put aside any negative feelings you might have after reading this and truly contemplate what I am saying to you. Then respond if you would like.
The other night, you called our house and ripped into me because I didn't tell you about a surprise party that we had planned for my mom. This irritated me for two reasons:
1.) You talked to my mom earlier that day and when she told you about the party, you didn't even say congratulations to her for completing her Bachelor's Degree. And yet, you're upset with me because I didn't tell you about a party you couldn't come to?
2.) You don't seem to understand that I lead a very busy, very hectic life. I was the sole coordinator of a party involving 20+ people, creating a menu, coordinating guests, getting their food order into the cook so he would know how many prime ribs, salmon, or enchilada congrejhos he needed to order, decorating, ordering flowers, and buying gifts. ON TOP OF ALL THAT DETAILED PLANNING - I also was/am working 40hrs a week, trying to keep that party a complete surprise from my mother, and going to school. We also had Angel that week and things were nuts all the way around.
I'm sorry that I didn't think to call you and tell you about it; given the fact that you live 1000 miles away and wouldn't have been able to make it.
More to the point; however, is this:
On the rare occassions that we DO talk, the conversation ALWAYS revolves around you, your family, your job, your stresses, your excitements, your house... everything is about you. So it never occured to me that you would want to hear about the party.
Hence brings me to the main issue of this email.
When/if I do speak up and tell you about some of the happy, positive things that are happening in my life - it never fails that your response is, "oh... cool" in a completely bored tone of voice. It makes me feel like you don't care about what's going on with me, my family, my job, my schooling, or anything else that makes up the elements of my life. It hurts my feelings and makes me shy away from you or become snappy.
To be perfectly blunt and honest, you come off like you don't care at all. You have told my mom and me that you want a relationship with Ashley and I. In your 39 years of life, I'm sure you have to come to understand that a relationship of any kind is all about give and take. But in my relationship with you, it feels like it is all take, take, take, on YOUR end. You want me to be excited/happy/supportive/encouraging/sympathetic to the things that you tell me... but where is the give?
And just to be clear: it is NOT that I don't want to hear about everything going on in your life. It's not that I'm not excited and happy for you when good things happen. It's not that I am not sympathetic and upset for you when bad things happen and I include your situation in my prayers every time.
Please do this for me. Sit down and think back to the last time that you called one of us for the SOLE PURPOSE of finding out "what's new" with me?
Do you know or even care that I've finished my CNA classes and am taking my state test January 6th? Do you know that I am three lessons away from completely my Medical Assistant Degree - something I've done in less than two months when, on average, it is a MINIMUM six month program? Do you know that I recently had my heart broken by the 31 year old deputy I was seeing? Do you know that I am planning a move to Tulsa, OK this fall to complete Missionary School training? Do you know I'm torn between excitement for a new adventure and sadness over leaving my family? Do you know that I worry about them constantly - about their safety especially? Do you know I am dreading the 2 year marker that is coming up in three months of my brother's death? Do you know that I moved back in with my parents to complete school easier? Do you know that I have an online journal with a great group of readers; people who think my life is interesting enough to read about and offer their kindess and support? Do you know that I love cherry soda of any kind and Italian food? Do you know that there are two people in this world outside of my family that have stuck by me through thick and thin and I love with all of my heart? Do you know how weird it is to me that I'm 22 years old - an adult? Do you know how much I resent the restrictions and obligations that come with being an adult? Do you know how much it bothers me that because of those restrictions and obligations, I haven't gotten to see the firstborn of the next generation of this family? Do you know that I could sit in the laundry aisle at Wal-Mart for hours because I love the way it smells and my favorite weather is rain because of the way it makes the earth smell? Did you know I've recently started collecting Tinkerbell stuff and that I adore Happy Bunny as well?
There is a lot about me. A lot TO me. I am a grown woman now with an adult's life. And every time I've tried to share parts of it with you, I feel rejected and let-down because I don't sense any interest on your part whatsoever. As soon as I tell you something, you make some remark and turn the conversation right back around to you. And I am writing you to tell you that it hurts. It angers me. It frustrates me. It makes me want to put distance between us and it's making me seriously contemplate the question of, "if these people were not a part of my family, would I have anything to do with them?"
You can't fake genuine interest and actions speak louder than words. I think maybe it's time for you to sit back and think about what your actions, or lack thereof, are telling people. I can't speak for others and I won't get into it either, but I can tell you that I'm not the only one that feels like this.
My dad has always told me that when you think everyone else in the world has the problem, maybe you should take a look at yourself - and you'll usually find the problem there.
I want a relationship with you. I want to be excited to hear from you whether it's by phone or email or myspace. I want to have a close aunt/niece relationship. But if any of that is ever going to happen, it's going to take some work and compromise. Most especially, it's going to take some GIVE on your part. And I'm not talking about materialistic things.
I want you to know that I do love you with all of my heart and THAT will never change. The only question here is how much healing is needed to repair a broken relationship. And how much I am willing to be a part of your lives and vice versa. Because I'm a grown adult now and I refuse to have people around me that only take from me - mentally and emotionally. I refuse to have people around me that bring me down because they just don't care.
And that's the point I feel we've reached.
The ball is in your court now - what happens or doesn't happen is going to be determined by the wisdom you exercise after reading this email. If you're going to truly LISTEN to what I'm trying to tell you and do something about it. Or if you're just going to get angry and hurt and stay that way.
Just know that I do love you. I do care. And I am perfectly happy to give of myself; so long as I'm not the only one doing all the giving.
Love always,
Amber
Trust me, I'm not waiting with bated breath for her response. I am hoping that it doesn't cause friction between any of the other family members as this is really between her and I; they can deal with their issues with her on their own. But the important thing, at least in my book, is that I got it off my chest. I let her know how I feel, what the problem is, why it is that way, and what the choices are in the matter. I took a stand for myself and didn't go out of my way to be a bitch about it either. She can make her choices and whatever they are, that's fine with me - I'm not too sure that I even care. However, I sure as hell am glad that I spoke up.
And that is that.
4 comments:
it obviously needed to be said Amber!
Two Princesses? How am I supposed to keep up with that?!
OK, now I have to go back and finish reading.
OK, your aunt sounds like my mother-in-law. She calls every freakin' day and talks my wife's head off, never once letting my wife, her own daughter, speak a word about her own life or daily experiences. It got so bad that my wife finally wrote her a letter saying she couldn't do this anymore and that her mom could only call her on weekends. Well, that didn't last long. Mother-in-law now calls again every day blabbing into our answering machine until it's full because she doesn't actually need another person on the line. She just wants to blab. I even blogged one day's worth of her calls once. It was about 4 or 5 calls in a span of a few hours.
Congrats on your achievements, by the way.
Knowing the stories you've told, I doubt she even got beyond the first few lines before her mind went to full attack mode. But hopefully she will read the whole thing. Just don't expect change.
And I didn't know you were going to Tulsa. Of course, I didn't know ANYONE willingly went to Tulsa :P
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