A lil bit of everything. Surprising? Nope!

I went out of town today to Rxxxx to do some grocery shopping for my mom. She doesn't like doing it, I do, so we compromise: I do the grocery shopping and she fills up my gas tank. It's really a win-win situation. Go me!

My sister is at some posh hotel somewhere in Oklahoma City at the moment. Apparently, at the last minute, Jimmy's multi-millionaire boss decided they were going to drive to Florida as the airline wouldn't let him bring his tools. In post-911 America, who would have thunk such a thing?! Anyway, they're driving in a very big truck - the license plate number of said truck texted to me by my sister, per my request. She's with Jimmy, his boss is dating his mother - someone we've known a VERY long time, and he seemed very nice. I really don't think there's anything to worry about at all, but it seemed like a good idea anyway. Jimmy and his boss are going to be installing fiber-optic lines for something or other at the military base in Jacksonville, Florida. Ashley is way excited about getting to go onto an actual military base, taking a tour, and doing... whatever it is that you do on a military base. But I think laying out on the beach and doing all of those beach activities far eclipses it.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit jealous. I'm glad that she gets to have a vacation, let go of her cares for a while, relax, and enjoy herself.

But you have no idea how much I want that, too.

I've been trying to remember the last time I had a vacation and I would have to say it was between 3 and 4 years ago. The most "logical" option for me taking a vacation at this point would be to go to California and stay with relatives. Which, really, that isn't my idea of a break. That is my idea of hell on earth! Don't get me wrong... I love my extended family, I just don't like them very much. Plus, I want to go somewhere that I haven't been before and be able to enjoy it by myself! I don't want to have anyone around that I know and thus have expectations on me; I want to be completely free to do whatever I feel like. I guess that sounds a bit selfish...

It would be really cool to go to Fort Bragg, California again - home to the famous Glass Beach. I got to go once when I was 19 and had decided to go travel around California. I agreed to make the four hour drive there from Oroville with my cousin Sarah - she made it sound like it was going to be just the two of us and we'd hang out at the beach all day and have a ton of fun.

Uhm... soooooo not what happened.

At that point in her life, she was still hiding her relationship with Shawnte (given the fact that my Uncle Duane - her dad - was a racist at this time) and she wanted to be able to spend the night with him and go do something without having to sneak around. I wasn't thrilled about it, but whatever, we could still go and I'd just write in my paper journal and find ways to keep myself entertained. But THEN, Shawnte took it upon himself to invite his friend Tyler. Oh, just thinking about him gets my blood to boiling all over again - I seriously HATED this guy. I have never before and never since wanted to smother someone in their sleep as badly as I did him. He was a completely rude, arrogant, ASSHOLE.

When we took this trip, I wasn't into smoking weed (and even when I was, I have NEVER been into smoking weed while driving) but they all were. Sarah, Shawnte, and Tyler lit up right after we got out of city limits. Tyler also brought his dog with him; a hideous, slobbering, pug dog. I opened my window so I could breathe and not get high, which pissed all of them off. They told me to close up the window, I refused, and Tyler made the remark that, "my dog has more class than you." Right then... it was on. I don't remember a whole lot about that trip other than being completely pissed and totally disgusted at all of them. The weed, the fact that neither Shawnte nor Tyler brought ANY money and just EXPECTED us to pay for everything - then never once said thank you... oh yeah, I was ready to kill by the time we got home. Plus, Sarah put me into the position of lying to her parents about who was with us and what we were doing which I wasn't happy about.

HOWEVER. I did get to gather up a bunch of that polished glass from the beach, I did get to write while watching the waves crashing in from the shore, and I called Teresa up so she could hear the ocean which she totally appreciated.

Needless to say: IF I do get to go again, I refuse to have a trip like that ever again. Although things would be different (I'd hope) given the fact that Sarah and Shawnte are engaged and living together, they have an eight month old baby girl, both of her parents have accepted him as their son (in-law), and that Mo-Fo, Tyler, moved to Salt Lake City with his parents the last I heard. Kind of poetic justice to my way of thinking. Porn isn't legal there and it's one of the most "religious orientated" states in the US. I hope he gets caught peddling his drugs and gets sent to prison where Bubba makes him his bitch. Is that harsh? Maybe so. But I cannot begin to explain to you how much of a nasty, spiteful, jerk this guy is.

Hmm, anyway. Got off track a bit, I think.

It's definitely time to start planning a way that I can sneak off for a week or two and get away from everything for a little bit.

I've got some big decisions coming up that need to be made and I think a little perspective might be nice.

1. Do I get a job at the hospital here, stay on for 4 - 6 months, then quit, and move elsewhere to finish my schooling and all that?
2. Or should I just make this a "clean break," take my income tax money and last paycheck to put up for rent on a place in GJ and get a job there?

Branching off from those decisions, there are other questions flooding my mind.

1. How am I going to handle moving away from home again after being back for almost 2 years?
2. Why do I feel... almost scared... to go out there on my own again? I've done this before and have never had a moment's hesitation and yet, here I am, trembling on the inside at the thought of it.
3. Do I really want to move back to GJ or should I just take a leap of faith and go to Washington or Oklahoma? Those are the other two "places of interest" that I've been exploring.
4. Don't I need to be here to help my sister through the "sobering up" process?
5. What's the smartest, wisest, choice? How do I even know what my heart is telling me to do when everything seems like it's a great, big, swirling, ball of black!?

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am really not looking forward to it. I can only imagine the drama and rumors that have been circulating while I've been gone. G has been calling me every night, an average of 5-6 times, with questions and I casually ask if she's heard my name mentioned lately. She just giggles nervously and says, "no" but I'm calling bullshit on that one. I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I think... I'll have to double-check the schedule. But after that, G works her normal weekend and I won't have to go back except to pick up my check. I am praying that there is no crap splatters on me by the time it's all said and done. For some reason, I'm thinking that may be wishful thinking; probably just because I know how the people are that work there. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed though!

I wonder if all those old sayings are true. Like... "if your nose keeps itching, someone is talking about you." "If someone keeps popping into your brain for no reason, that person is thinking of you." All of those old sayings.

I seen Adam the other night at the S/O when I went in to see Teresa. As he had been switched to days and it was about 10:30pm, I really wasn't expecting to see him and it kind of felt like someone punched me in the gut for a minute. My heart thudded into my stomach and my legs suddenly felt like rubber - I am blaming it on the "flight or fight" response that your body automatically has. Mostly because my first thought after, "what in the hell is HE doing here?!" was "he looks like shit and someone needs to tell him to cut his hair, it looks ridiculous." While I waited for Teresa to get her jacket, smokes, and give last minute instructions to her current trainee, I watched Adam out of the corner of my eye watching me. I met his glance briefly one time and he smiled at me, but my lips felt frozen and really couldn't do more than slightly lift in acknowledgment before I looked away.

I cried on my way home today because I remembered that from the other night. I had been trying to just push it out of my head and not think about it. But today, it all caught up to me and I just kept thinking, "how could you have done that to me? WHY would anyone do something like that?!" And of course, my thoughts had to take me down memory lane for a while but I eventually got a grip on myself and wiped away the last few stray tears. I don't know why we women cry over men - especially when they're not even worth it in the first place!

Does anyone else read Post Secret? That is seriously the first thing I do every Sunday morning is check that site. I've been considering sending one in for a really long time, but first of all, I don't have that many secrets that relate to only me. And the ones I do have, I don't talk about - even if it is anonymously. I have a TON of secrets from other people, but I wouldn't feel right exposing someone else's secret and I'm pretty sure you have to send one of your OWN in, in the first place. However, today as I was rocking out to my very loud music, singing along with the ones I knew... it hit me. This is what I need to send in:

"When I am driving by myself, I like to turn my music up and sing along... pretending that I'm an American Idol contestant."

I know, I know... I'm totally weird. But as soon as that thought hit me, I started laughing because I really do this. Complete with hearing Simon Cowell criticising me when a note goes higher or lower than I can or mess up the words. I am infamous for doing this. I tend to be singing along and then throw in lyrics from other songs and make it up if I don't know part of it. It drives my sister crazy, my mom laughs at me, and my dad just shakes his head with a small smile. I don't know if anyone has seen this commercial, but there's a new cell phone commercial out with two kids singing along to music they have on their phone. Then the one kid goes, "did they say Rock the Cat Box?" *cue both of them listening carefully* After agreeing that that is what they are singing, both of them just start rockin' out, singing, "ROCK THE CAT BOX! ROCK THE CAT BOX!" My family has dedicated that commercial to yours truly.

What can I say? I'm a total nerd.

I have not had sex in a couple of months and it's really starting to get to me. I am trying really hard to remember why I decided to become a "born again virgin." I have been having extremely sexually explicit dreams as of late - the details I'll leave out from here - which wake me up at all hours of the night. I have to open a window and get a drink of water so I can settle down enough to go back to sleep. Is this your body's way of demanding sex? Or is it simply releasing all that sexual energy that gets stored? Now I can finally understand why all my friends in high school would giggle when anyone quipped, "once you're popped, you can't stop!" And things similar to that. It's times like these when I want to kick my own ass - I waited till I was 21 - far longer than what is considered normal in today's day and age. And back in the day, I would have been married with a couple of kids by now or deemed a "spinster." So really, any way you look at it, I did pretty good. I really don't know why I didn't wait until I got married though. At least then, you can have sex whenever you want it without the fear in the back of your mind. Will the condom break? Does this guy have some kind of STD? Sure, 85% of all STD's are curable, but what about that other 15%!? Oh my God... what if I get pregnant and have to admit it was a one-night stand? What if this guy is a FREAK and he pulls out a whip? Or he's into things that are way scarier than that?

Oh yeah. The fear. That would be why I decided not to follow in the footsteps of my classmates and become a promiscuous whore, sleeping with anyone that looks my way twice.

Sigh. I guess I either need to find a serious, committed, loving, boyfriend, STAT! Or I'm just going to have to deal with the dreams. Too bad vibrators don't come with warranties!

Sorry if that's TMI for anyone.

I think I've rambled on long enough now and I need to get some sleep since I have to go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should wear the cross necklace my dad bought me for Christmas - if Karen and I get into it, I can just whip it out and press it against her forehead. End of argument. Or maybe just flick some holy water on her? Crap. That's for vampires, isn't it? Oh well, it could have been a good idea!

We need more updating, people. Do any of you have any idea how many times I blog-stalk all you a day? Hehe. Great. I guess this means I'm going to have to go read some google news or something now before I fall asleep. Hope everyone is well! :)