The Aftermath of Sister Drama

I hate getting mad. I truly, truly, do. When I get angry, one of two things happens when it's unleashed: a) I have diarrhea of the mouth and I say really, really, mean things. I go off on whomever the unlucky person may be and then later, after I've cooled off, I have horrible guilt. So then I have to go to that person, even if I was justified in being mad at them, and apologize because I feel THAT bad. Or b) I am so angry that I start crying when I try to talk about it. I get that "frog in the throat" feeling and it's hard for me to force words out.

Which is why in the past when I've gotten mad, my temper goes icy. I shut up and close everybody off because I don't want to hurt them by telling them all the mean, nasty, thoughts that are running through my head - regardless of whether or not they are true.

I think I may be getting a little bit more mature in how I handle temper. Shocking, I know!

I've discovered just in the past couple of weeks, that when you tactfully and respectfully say what is on your mind, right then and there, deal with whatever the situation is as it happens... then you don't let feelings build up. They don't keep piling and piling and making you feel like crap because you never speak your mind. When you don't do these things, it makes you angry and snappy and not very fun to be around.

I've been employing this method of dealing with things and so far, it's really been working. Once I say what is on my mind and deal with it, then I let it go and it's done. The other people involved can do or say or think whatever it is that they want to; it may still affect me in certain cases, but at least I can rest easy knowing that I've said whatever I had to say.

My sister didn't come home for a few hours today after the lunch fiasco. So when she did come home, I told her that we needed to talk. She promptly said, "no! Not right now!" I said, "yes, Ashley! Right now! You've had your way with when and where and everything else for talks the last few days, now it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say."

I was perfectly prepared to be calm and nice, but the way she snapped at me made me want to snap back a bit. What can I say? I'm only human. Needless to say, she didn't sit down, but she did put her hands on her hips, look at me, and say, "WHAT?!"

I told her that she really hurt my feelings and pissed me off today by immediately swallowing everything they said to her, hook, line, and sinker.

"You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt or ASK if any of it was true. You automatically assumed that it was and you tore into me for it. Through the last few years, all the absolute CRAP that you have done, I have stood by you. I have supported you and I've given you the benefit of the doubt no matter what my gut instincts were saying. And you couldn't even be bothered to extend that same courtesy to me today! Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

Then I started crying because I was so pissed and so hurt and well, I guess I'm just a big weenie.

She said that she was upset because what she told me about using Meth again was in confidence.

I said, "Ashley, every single person you worked with already knows that you were using! Get out of that selfish mind-set where you think that it was some big secret and it doesn't affect anyone but you. Because it affects everyone around you as well!"

I reminded her that I had told her and our mom that very night what I had said to Kathern (about how I firmly believed that partial responsibility for my sister using again was in Karen's lap) and she had known that I had talked to her about it. I told her that she had every right to expect and depend on her family's support and love. That for too long, no one has taken a stand against Karen and what she's doing - we had thought Ashley was staying clean, doing good, and that there was no issues with drugs. I said, "Sissy, I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt you or embarass you or make this harder than it is. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything and if you're not going to stand for your family, then what will you stand for? In my mind, I was defending you and calling them on their shit - not breaking a confidence."

I was still bawling and shaking from the surpressed emotion finally having a release; but I noticed that her stance was different. She wasn't defensive or angry anymore. Instead, she looked like maybe she was understanding a little bit.

She apologized for assuming the worst and for her behavior. I apologized for breaking her confidence, even though that wasn't what I had meant to do.

We hugged and I just told her, "Ashley, I love you with all my heart and I would NEVER intentionally hurt you... please just know that." She said she did and that she loves me too... then left to go clean out her car.

I've passed the icy temper and part B of what I do when I get angry. But I can feel this rage just simmering inside whenever I start thinking about Karen and Kathern and everything it implies - the lies, gossip, rumors, innuendos... general pot stirring. On top of which, if Karen wants to do dope in her personal life. Well, she is a free adult and she's more than welcome to ruin her own life. But how dare she pull my sister into it and then try and start even more shit because she thinks she's been "ratted out."

To be honest, I'm a little scared to go into work because if one wrong button is pushed or one wrong look given, I'm liable to go off and tell them to take their two weeks notice and shove it up their ass.

Not a very Christian attitude to have, I know. And I'm really praying about it and trying to get it under control. It's just hard to do because every time I start thinking about it, violent thoughts come to mind. Like grabbing that skinny little bitch by the back of her hair and kicking her in the twat. The truth is coming out in bits and pieces. The more I found out, the more firmly I feel Karen helped rob my sister of the innocence of teenagehood. Not quite the level of innocence of a child; but you still have a large piece of it when you grow up in a small town and are raised the way we were. Raised to believe that most people are good and kind. There are things you should NOT be subject to as a child or as a teenager. In an ideal, perfect world, you wouldn't be. I know that's not the way it always works, but I wish that it was so. I wish your eyes didn't have to be opened to how absolutely evil people can be, to the lengths they will go to keep their secrets protected, that their trust in the goodness of humanity didn't have to be slowly removed so that you don't wind up dead by your own naivety.

Because no matter what, there is always going to be bad and evil and mean, spiteful people out there. We didn't ask for it, but we do have to deal with it.

Just for the record: I sincerely hope that no one reading this is blaming my parents for this. You cannot protect your children from everything out there - especially when that child is not being honest with you. We were all living in a world of oblivion because we didn't know. Since we do now, it's being corrected and a meeting with the owners of the Hotel & Cafe is not a far-fetched idea.

We all have choices in this world. It's amazing to me the ripple effect that one choice can make.

My brother chose to go to work that morning, March 23, 2005, as he was earning money to move to Utah and go to work for the oil fields. He was being responsible even though he didn't really want to be. And that one choice has forever changed everything. When he fell off the back of that trash truck that day and was immediately killed... it altered the course of everyone's life that loves him. It stole his life at the tender age of 18. There is not a single area of life that that one day hasn't touched. For any of us.

Ashley, for all of her bad choices, is a good girl. At 17 years of age, she lost a baby, she lost her brother/best friend, and because the love of her life was driving the trash truck that day and he literally just lost his mind for a while, she lost him too. They were going to get married after she graduated in May; just two short months away. They both had big dreams, big plans, and an even bigger love for one another. Then it was stripped away, in less than a second. My brother was 6'1 and they estimated the trash truck was backing up at 7.5 feet per second. Literally, in less than a second Matt was gone and life was changed. But Ashley's life has had the biggest impact. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and while she was doing great for about a year and a half, things close in on you. You can only run so far, so fast... and in the end, you still have to deal with yourself and the things that have happened. Ashley wasn't running fast enough so she started using drugs in an attempt to not FEEL anything.

It's not right and I don't condone the way she has handled that part of it. But I do understand. I'm hoping that anyone reading this does too, or at least tries to put themselves in her shoes and imagine what it's been like, before judging.

Her path to sobriety is going to include counseling. There are issues that have yet to be dealt with and they need to be if she's going to have a chance of staying clean. There will be ups and downs and we'll all struggle along with her. In different ways for different things, but we'll be walking alongside her. It won't be easy and there will be days that I am ready to just kick her ass I'm sure... but when it's all said and done at the end of the day. My family loves one another. We've been through hell and back as a family and as individuals. Between my brother's past of mental illness (though the psychologist said that he had outgrown it, relating the cause as getting out of puberty, there was still six years of hell there), my brother's death, the loss Ashley has had to endure, the emotional and mental abuse Ashley went through from Pete (her ex-boyfriend) after the accident when he just lost it, to helping one another with our grief... and just things that happen in life, period. The bonds that hold us together have proven strong and steadfast in the face of adversity, trials, tribulations, and the odds stacked against us.

The odds say that my parents should be divorced by now after going through everything that they have. The odds say a lot. And time and time again, we've defeated the odds, with God on our side. I have to believe that this time will be no different.

And by communicating, no matter how hard it is at times, working to control tempers, remembering to laugh and focus on all the blessings, and keeping our eyes firmly focused on God... we'll get through this too.

I think I've babbled on long enough and said probably more than I should have. Definitely more than I meant to. But this IS my journal and the only place I can be completely honest at soooo...c'est la vi.

I'm going out to Teresa's house now for tacos and a movie. I hope all of you have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night depending on where you're at in the world! :)