Making Big Decisions is Becoming a Trend it Seems...

I know I haven't gotten around to responding to your comments and I am sorry; I haven't really been on the computer much in the last 24 hours - shocking, I know! But I'd like to say thanks to all of you who offered up your opinion and advice about the decisions I was struggling with. It helped make up my mind.

I'm leaving for GJ tomorrow for three days to look around for an apartment and put my applications in at the two major hospitals and a few of the nursing homes around there. I have a Plan and if everything goes right, it could be great :).

In the US, when going to college and applying for any kind of financial aid, you HAVE to go by your parent's income until you are 23 years of age. Once you turn 23, then the amount you are awarded via Pell Grants and the like, will be based solely on your income. With how much money my dad makes a year, I am not eligible for any kind of financial assistance. To be perfectly honest, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and doesn't make logical sense when applied to the wannabe-student. But when you think about it from the government's point of view, it makes perfect sense because it is saving THEM money. They know that most late teens/early twenties don't make a lot of money and thus they would have to pay out bookoo dollars to help them get through school. However, if you make them claim their parent's income on top of your own - you stand a higher chance of not making them pay out squat. Well, congratulations goverment, you won this round.

Under my plan; however, they won't win the war... muahaha!

I turn 23 in September. There is a vocational school in GJ that accepts new students in the fall and in the spring. I can use this year to get a place of my own and get settled in, find a church, establish some new friendships and re-establish the distanced ones (from my moving home). I can get a job and put all my extra money toward getting out of debt. I did the math last night and I've got about 20 more months to pay on my car. If I put $2400 extra toward my car this year, I can have it paid off in January - before the school session starts. The program is designed to get nurses trained and out into the workforce. You don't have to do the bullcrap of two years of pre-requisites before you finally are able to start pursuing the classes relevant to your major like you do in college. You pretty much just jump right in. If you go full-time, I think the LPN is 6 months and the RN is 9 months. I'll have to check into that to be sure though. In any case, the expense and time of going through this program is half of what it would be to attend a university or state college. I'm a "get to the point" kind of gal for the most part and I think this is more suited to my personality and head smarts.

You have to be a CNA to even be considered for admission, but I've got that one down sooooo... if I study and get my brain prepped for math again... I think I have a fighting chance of getting in.

Meanwhile, I'll be getting to observe what LPN's and RN's do in a hospital or nursing home setting and will be learning, even as I draw a paycheck. A lot of places are very flexible with your schedule and will even help with tuition expenses if you agree to work for them for a certain amount of time after you graduate.

Regardless of that though, I will be getting quite a bit of training and "hands on" experience. I'll be able to set myself up a little home and, well, build myself a life and career. I'll get that feeling back of being an adult given the fact that I'll be living on my own again, re-establish my independence, and yeah... I'm just bursting with excitement in case you haven't noticed!

It feels like a well-thought out, responsible, mature, plan. At least I hope.

There's still some self-doubt here and a lot of nerves. I'm going to be putting off paying some bills and what-not to get into a place down there. Hopefully I'm only setting myself back a little bit and not digging a financial grave for myself. There's a lot that goes into a big decision like this.

The first time I moved out, it was only five blocks away from my parents. The second time I moved out, I was going to family - bouncing from place to place while I seen a little bit of the world and uh, partied... a lot. The third time I moved out I was going to college and had the security of a dorm and meals that were paid for the year. When I moved out of the dorms and into a duplex down in GJ, I was only there a few months before I moved back onto campus in an apartment with friends. So really, while I've lived alone before and been out of my parent's house - this will be the first time I'm planning on a long-term, setting up residence, actually BEING an adult instead of playing at it.

I feel like I'm taking one more big step into adulthood territory and it's kind of scary. Leaving your security and comfort zone. Maybe I'm just being silly and retarded... I don't know.

In any case, I'm anticipating that by the end of February I should have a job, a house, and be on my way toward complete self-sufficiency.

Which earns both a "yikes!" and a "yay!"

To all (three?) of my Australian Readers: I am so excited!! I was watching season 4 of The Amazing Race last night and the 11th leg of the race was in Brisbane, Australia! Your city is HUGE and completely the opposite of what I was expecting, with maybe the exception of the wide, open, space. It's beautiful, no doubt! I guess seeing the skyscrapers and large hotels and all of that was a bit of a culture shock for this small town girl. Y'all have a lot of kangaroos, too - they're so cute!! In case you're curious, the racers had to go to some famous yacht club; I'm not going to embarrass myself trying to remember how to spell it and what the exact name was given the fact that it was 3:00am while my mom and I were watching this. They also had to go to some sheep-shearing place and dig through a bunch of wool to find the next clue. Then they got to rest at the pit stop on the edge of the Carls (?) Sea - I think they said it was tropical and in the northern part of the country. Anyway, I was just really excited to see a bit of your country. LOVE the accents :) and was way impressed with how friendly everyone is down under. The racers were having to stop and ask questions everywhere and all of them were helpful and nice. If you did that in New York City, New York - you'd be more likely to get robbed, ignored, told to F*#$ off, or something along those lines. Now I REALLY can't wait until I'm rich, possibly famous for my medical skills, and able to visit Australia!

The New A has been hinting around and trying to ask me out for the last couple of days. I think he's fairly shy and every time he's about to get the words out, the phone rings or a customer comes up to the desk or SOMETHING. Maybe this is a kind of serendipity straight from fate? Last night he says, "so uh... uhm... what do you all do around here to go on dates?"

Me: A social life? Dating? What's that?

A: Well, where I'm from, we go out to the movies, or out to eat, bowling, horseback riding... you know, things like that.

Me: We did have a bowling alley for a long time, but eventually it got shut down. And horseback riding? There's an alternative way to making a girl's crotch sore.

A: *Blushing*

*Cue phone ringing*

Then he wandered off and I finished up work and left around 10:30pm.

Today he said that he didn't sleep well because he was up half the night thinking about me. It's kind of cute... but he IS 34 years old. Not married, no children, got on the pipeline for the good money and chance to travel - had never been out of Texas before now. Is hating our winter, got a tattoo on his hand when he was "young and dumb." He seems like a nice enough guy, on the shy side, but with those dark good looks that make you wonder why on earth he's shy. Thick, dark, hair, chocolate brown eyes, long eyelashes, great mouth, nice hands. I'd totally jump him except I'm currently abstinent - TRYING to be a good girl here. I don't know why I can't be among the world's population of women that are able to have guilt-free sex.

I've had sex, then I had the guilt. Then the worry and fear, and then finally the giddy relief that comes when your period starts and you can say, "thank you, GOD! I am not pregnant!" I figure you only get so many "free passes" before you wind up with an unexpected pregnancy or much worse. Best not to tempt fate - especially when my family is as fertile as we are: my sister got pregnant while on three forms of birth control, my mom got pregnant with all three of us while on birth control, yeah - for some reason, it's just not that effective with us. I want children, but I want to be READY for them first of all and I'd really like to be married too...

I don't know. I guess I just don't see the point in having meaningless sex with someone. Why not wait until you are with someone that you truly care about and vice versa? Any kind of sexual activity is ALWAYS better when there are emotional feelings involved. Although there is something to be said for "the other side" too. I guess I have some conflicting emotions about all of it. About the girl I was and the woman I am now. About my convictions based on experience and my own sex drive or appetite or whatever you want to call it.

I just got off the phone with my other best friend, Erin. We talked for quite a while and she told me that Ex-A has married his gummy granny of a girlfriend. I say this because she is missing teeth and is 14 years older than him. So much for all of his bullshit lines of "I'm just really committed to my work right now" and all the other excuses he gave. And that's the bottom freakin' line right there: they were all just EXCUSES. Just like every other "relationship" I've been in - it's not that they are married to their work or don't have time for a committed relationship. It's simply because I am not good enough. I'm not the kind of girl that a guy would be proud to bring home to his parents or introduce to his friends. I'm the dirty little secret that they're attracted to but afraid to admit it to the world. So I confuse sex with genuine caring and affection and maybe the possibility of growing feelings. I substitute love for midnight lust.

Maybe that's why I am so leery of sex or intimacy of any kind with a man at this point. Maybe that's why I've shied away from all of it.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm some addict to emotional S&M.

Well, whatever the case - I think I'm going to ignore it for now until I feel more ready to tackle the root problem and deal with it. At this point, I've got too much energy and attention invested in getting my butt down to GJ, getting a job and a place to live, and all that entails.

For now, I've got fifteen minutes till I am off of work and I need to delete history/cookies and tie up loose ends. If there isn't an entry from me over the next few days, it's because I am out of town and I will update when I get back! And, of course, catch up on all of your blogs :).