Here I Go Again!

It's been two days since I finished my Medical Assistant degree and I'm already missing school. I received an email last night from the institution I went through, asking me to fill out their course evaluation survey, so I did because I'm nice like that.

After I clicked the "finished" button, it took me to a listing of all the other programs they offer.

Some are just through PCDI and those are the trade school professions. But they also have a variety of associate degree programs through Ashworth College and even some master degree programs. I left the site and made my rounds through all of my favorite people whom I read on here (by the way, Mez come backkkkkkkk soon, we miss you!!) and this nagging thought wouldn't quit. So I went back and started looking through the associate degree programs they offer again and I decided to do the Psychology one. It's a subject that has always fascinated me and, well, dealing with my mentally ill brother for six years while definitely a challenge, helped open my eyes to their suffering.

My mom has always been a champion for the "underdog" and I think it's something she's passed on to me. I watched what my brother went through and I did what I could to help. I can't count the number of times someone would come up to me in high school and say, "such and such is going to beat Matt's ass today after school because of such and such." And I'd march over to the would-be ass-beater and tell him in no uncertain terms, that if he thinks he's going to lay one finger on my brother, it would be over my dead body and that if he tried, I would kick his ass first. I couldn't possibly intercede on his behalf in every single one because I wasn't always around; but the ones I could, I did.

It's one of the few things I have that make me feel like I was a good sister to him.

I recently found a letter of recommendation my high school English teacher wrote for me and it still makes me feel good even though it was written six years ago. I'm going to put it in here for recording purposes and eventually I'll circle back around to my point (haha).

To Whom It May Concern:

I strongly recommend Amber Rxxxx for the Colorado Rural Health Scholars Program. Amber entered my high school freshman Language Arts class full of enthusiasm and determination to excel in all of her many fields of interest. Amber began high school with the basic knowledge, skills, and attitudes that led her to success. She enrolled in a full load of our most demanding classes and maintained her drive and determination to challenge herself throughout four years. Motivation comes from within. Whether it is in Student Council -- where she puts in many hours, or academics -- where she puts in hours of constructive study, she always works to improve herself.

Amber was always one of my best students but as time progressed, her grades improved because she was able to integrate information from all her classes and extra curricular activities. During her sophomore year, she enrolled in Honors World Literature. One of her assets is to stimulate class discussion by looking at the literature from the viewpoint of the "other guy." Only Amber could force the class to look at Javert in Les Miserables with compassion.

I would not classify Amber as a "gifted" student. She is simply an intense worker. She often came in on her own time to clarify a point or to ask a question. She is full of "I wonder what...? and "What if...?" questions. This is not something she does for credit nor was it required for the class, this is just Amber and the way her mind always wants to know more. Her desire for excellence shows in her willingness to challenge herself beyond what is usually expected of a high school student.

Amber is a joy to teach. She is genuinely liked, as well as respected, by her teachers and peers. When I purposely group students in heterogeneous groups, Amber shines as a leader who helps others as she learns. Other students enjoy working with her. Amber is a young woman who will excel and she sets her sights high. This opportunity will not only benefit her but everyone she works with in the future.

Thank you,
P. Robinson

See why it makes me smile? I guess some parts of you don't change, even after high school. The part that stuck with me the most out of that whole that was where she said was talking about me forcing the class to look at Javert in Les Miserables with compassion. For those of you who have never seen the movie, although Javert was a detective, everyone viewed him as "the bad guy" because he was after someone whom the audience automatically likes. To this day, my heart still goes out to him because of the look on his face when he lets the guy go - he had built his entire world on capturing him and then, although he did the right thing in all of our minds, it went against every principle within him. Everything that had kept him going for years in a single-minded effort to arrest this man.

So back to the point I guess.

I have the ability, for the most part, to put myself into other people's shoes and understand how they are feeling. Especially when it is "the underdog." I have a soft spot for those people because of my brother, because of what he had to go through. Because up until high school, I was an "underdog" - my nicknames in school before that were things like "ten ton" and "bubble butt" and "fatso" - things like that. I know how much it hurts to be at the bottom and to be constantly kicked while you are down.

If I get a degree in Psychology, it is going to help me understand the human psyche better. The reasons why people do the things they do. It will give me tools to help deal with them. And eventually, when I finally get my BSN (Bachelor of Science Nursing), I can get a job as a mental health nurse with no problem.

People that are hurting and down and out. People that are looking for a hand up and not just a hand out are people that easily worm their way into my heart. I guess I try to be tough and whatever... sometimes, I can even pull it off. But deep down, I'm a complete and total softie.

I feel like... I'll get my Nursing and Psychology degrees because I want them. And I'll go into mental health care because I want to. But a part of me feels like maybe if I can help all those lost and lonely people... I'll be able to give to them - people who are like how Matt was - all the things that I had such a hard time showing him. Because of the anger, confusion, and hurt that had built up for years.

He and I had such a complex sibling relationship.

On his bad days, he could/would go off on me. Especially if I provoked him. He threw me into a wall a time or two growing up and I took him to the ground just as often. What hurt worse, was when we grew past the "brawling stage" and we started using words. I often heard what a fat bitch I was or a whore or a slut and countless things about my weight.

If I cried or gave him the silent treatment he was instantly sorry and tried to take it back. But the damage had already been done. After a while though, tears were frozen in my chest and I couldn't not say anything and I would hurl back the most awful insults to him.

On his good days, he'd randomly tell me what a beautiful sister he had and to not let anyone tell me differently. That he was proud of me and how much fun he had hanging out with me. He was trying to atone for his behavior from his bad day(s).

But I couldn't really see it then. I was too angry, too hurt, too confused... too everything. And so I would ignore his pleas for a truce and I was all too often snappy or rude to him.

Ashley seen a lot of this and I think that's part of why she is so angry with me now. She was always able to love him, accept him, and show him unconditional forgiveness no matter what. It wasn't so easy for me to do.

The last six months of his life or so, he took himself off his meds and we were all relieved and surprised and happy when there was no psychotic episode because of it. He had done it a few times in the past and, well, the results were NOT pretty. He became Matt again and eventually, I realized I didn't have to have my guard up around him every second of every day. We had a family sit-down and he and I were able to get everything off our chests and truly, completely, FORGIVE one another. After that... life was good. We were building a friendship, enjoying late nights of backgammon tournaments, movie marathons where we'd share a blanket - only to have him silently fart beneath it and then pull the blanket up fast and hard so it would blow right in my face. I'd embarass him in front of his girlfriend in a teasing way. Just... normal stuff.

Then he was gone. And I'm still dealing with feeling like a horrible sister to him. Thinking of the years that were wasted in anger and pain. Trying to remember even the smallest good thing I did for him to help make me feel like I wasn't a completely horrible, nasty, bitch of a big sister.

I don't know where or why all this is coming out now.

But I guess my main point is simply this:

I have dreams that are my OWN dreams. They're not inspired by anybody else; they're simply things that I've always long to do or to become. A nurse is one of those.

I also have passions and interests that are my OWN. And psychology is one of them.

If I can combine the two of them and reach people... help people... who have no way of helping themselves, then why not? People who struggle with mental illness don't think about things the same way, they don't view the world the same way, it's different for them. And because it is different than the standard expectation of the world, harder.

I feel like, in some ways, I was a part of that group of people who made my brother's life harder. He dealt with enough shit from people at school. Then he had to come home and deal with shit from me. Not that he was perfectly innocent, but neither was I.

Maybe by reaching out and touching the lives of others who deal with some of the same issues, problems, etc. that Matt did... I'll be able to give something back.

And on a selfish level, maybe it will help me to heal and ease this burden of guilt that weighs so heavily when I get to thinking about the kind of sister I was to him...

In any case, it will keep me busy for a while and when I'm done, I'll have something else to show for my life. Mrs. Robinson was right when she said I set my sights high - always have and probably always will. The only difference is, now I have a focus on how to get there. A plan on how to make it to where I want to be at.

Only time will tell. I guess we shall see what the future has in store, hmm?