All Is Well :)

I got home from work tonight and sat down on the couch to watch the news with my parents (I know - incredibly exciting!) and after a minute, my dad got up. He walked over to me, leaned down, and gave me this great big bear hug, squeezing me tight for at least a minute, then said, "I just thought you could use one of those." Of course, as soon as he hugged me I started silently crying and the tears were still rolling down my cheeks as he walked back to his seat on the other couch.

My dad is a very prideful man. Sometimes in a bad way, but more often than not, he reminds me of an Indian Warrior. Strong, silent, wearing his honor like a badge, courageous, and... full of pride. I know it must have cost him a lot to try and mend a bridge that he knew had been damaged, even if he still believed he was right. And it meant a lot.

I had ordered dinner from the local Italian place and gotten a Mud Pie thingy to go as well. Since I wasn't feeling all that hungry, I stuck that in the freezer for later. However, I figured one good deed deserved another and my dad loves anything involving ice cream so I went and got it out of the freezer and handed it to him with a spoon without saying a word. As I sat back down he was opening it up and said, "what's this?" I said, "something really yummy!" He shared a couple of bites with my mom and then ate the rest of it himself.

A tight, bear, dad-hug in exchange for my chocolate-crust, icecream, whip cream, and chocolate covered dessert? Definitely worth it.

About twenty minutes later, the news program was over and my mom got up, turned off the tv, and stated, "Okay, I am going into my room now to leave my daughter *pointed glance at me* and my husband *pointed glance at him* to talk."

There was a short pause then my dad said, "pull up a chair, sit on the floor, admission is free at the door!" One of his corny sayings - an invitation to move closer (rather than across the room) and get comfortable for a heart-to-heart.

I ended up getting a lot of things off my chest and he explained where he was coming from with a lot of those things. Growing up, it has been pounded into my head that in order to make a marriage work, communication and laughter are KEY. I am learning that communication in any relationship, whether it is parental, siblings, romance, friendship, or otherwise... is also key. There were a lot of misunderstandings that had begun to build up hard feelings; at least on my end.

I think he understands now that, when I have my "down" days, anger is simple. It's an easier emotion to deal with, it's an easier emotion to express than hurt. And rather than open up and talk about whatever it is, I tend to retreat within myself and I use anger and sarcasm to push everyone away so I can lick my wounds in private.

Not the best way to go about things, I know. But it's how I've been for as long as I can remember and it's just something I'm going to have to work on.

I feel like he put on my shoes tonight and walked a few miles and now he has a better understanding of where I'm coming from and the why behind certain things.

As for me? I, too, have a better understanding of where he is coming from and the why behind what he says.

I wrote earlier about an incident that had occured in February of last year. I had turned down an internship with an international evangelist, I had no direction in life, I didn't know what I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. I was working at Pizza Hut and hating every minute of it - I can't eat pizza to this day by the way - and if I wasn't at work, then I was sleeping. I withdrew from all of my friends and rarely smiled. It was at this point where he and I got into it big time one night. He told me that in the three years I had graduated from high school (at that time) I had done nothing with my life. I don't remember anything else from that conversation - but that part of it stuck with me. And for a year now, it's been a bee stinger in my side, pumping "poison" i.e. hurt, anger, shame, etc.

Tonight, when I brought that up and told him how much that still hurts to this day, he was genuinely concerned. The more we got to talking, the more I began to understand that he truly had seen the state I was in at that time. He wasn't trying to kick me while I was down or say something just to stab at me and watch me bleed. He seen I was severely depressed and spinning my wheels in a mud pit. And he kicked me in the ass to get me going again. He admitted that he didn't use the right words and apologized for that, but made sure I was clear on his motivations. I told him I was and that it worked... but just because you get a kick in the butt and it gets you going again, doesn't mean that you're not going to be walking without a bruise on your rear.

Needless to say, the stinger was removed and that comment is no longer eating at me and cutting at my heart.

We just got a lot out in the open and I think it was good for both of us.

When I was a little girl, he would randomly pull me into my room, sit me down, and tell me that I could get anything off my chest that I wanted to. That I could say anything I wanted to say, admit anything I wanted to admit, and there would be no consequence. I can still hear him saying, "you can tell me to go to hell if you want to, so long as you say it with respect." Those heart-to-hearts where I got to unload and vent was very emotionally healthy. In retrospect, I can see where he took the things I told him seriously and used it to better himself as a father as well.

Now that I'm an adult, he doesn't need to sit me down for one of those sessions. Now we have adult conversations where there is feedback on both sides; both negative and positive.

My parents definitely have their faults. We all do. But I think that I am finally getting to the age where I can start to see the intention behind the things they do and say. And on the occassion(s) where I don't, we can communicate and work through it. For that, I am thankful!

I was a... trying child to say the least. My nicknames were "mouth" and "sarge." I understood things too early on an intellectual level; but I still responded to them on a child's emotional level. I never hesitated to put my two cents into any conversation and I was constantly being told, "stay out of the adult's conversation, Amber." Or, "you'll know when you're an adult." Or I was sarcastic/snappy/disrespectful and then I'd get a pop in the mouth with a stern reprimand for whatever the offense happened to be at the time. I was never abused nor hit out of anger, but if I need a pop in the mouth because I was getting lippy then I got it. And when we were in "BIG" trouble and the paddle was coming out, we were always sat down, we had it explained to us exactly why we were getting a spanking, and then it was "bend over."

My brother, sister, and I hid that paddle so many times! When I was 19, I came home from college on fall break and seen that sucker sitting on the headboard of my parent's bed. The way they had it set up at the time, was the bed was at an angle against a corner... so while getting the backgammon game I had been seeking, I "accidentally" knocked it off and over into the corner - hidden by the headboard and bed, hehe. At nineteen. I think the last spanking I ever got was when I was 12.

However, we all deserved it. We had our own phone line and being as cool as we were, we had been dialing 1-900 numbers, listening to the recordings, then hanging up and giggling. My brother and his friends weren't as smart though and they actually hit an option and went through to someone. Racked up a $900 phone bill that my mom had to contest. Threatened to sue their asses because we were all minors and got the charges dropped. The next day, while punishment was still being discussed amongst the parents, we got b-u-s-t-e-d smoking cigarettes on the "back trails" - our old stomping grounds.

Uhm yeah... after the cop left who gave us a strict lecture on smoking, the laws against it, and threatening to arrest us if we ever did it again; we all got spanked.

In any case, now I am a 22 year old woman. For the most part, my emotions have caught up with the intellect side, I'm too old to be smacked or spanked, and I can still be frustrating. I get into a dark "mood" at times when I get too stressed/worried/overwhelmed/feeling trapped and it's not fun to be around. So I keep my distance from everyone until it passes. But no matter what has changed - the situations that we get ourselves into trouble with, the lack of parental discipline, and my age growing into my mouth - one thing has stayed the same: my parents being willing to listen.

I feel blessed. And not to mention a little petty and ashamed of myself for letting things build up instead of speaking up and dealing with an issue right then and there.

I think I hear see another New Year's Resolution...

Anyway, my eyes are burning, I have to work tomorrow, and my bed is calling my name. But I needed to get all this out and set the record straight before I could sleep. My dad and I are "cool" again and my heart no longer feels like a leaden ball in my chest. So yay!