Sarah's Challenge Met

After reading Sarah's entry about just... being real with your writing, no matter what, it really inspired me to do just that. Because you always start a journal with the intention of being completely honest and baring yourself, straight to the core. Then, somewhere along the way, you start to care about the people who read your journal and the people whom you read. You start valuing their opinion and before you know it, you start holding things back because you don't want them to see those weak spots. The ugly parts. The messy issues that cloud up life at times. You don't want them to be upset or judge or criticize or think any less of you or the people you love. So you put on a writing facade and do your best to be amusing so that, if nothing else, they at least get a laugh out of the shit you post. I realized that I've been writing with my shield up for a while now and I need to just quit it. I do enough pretending, enough smiling even when I want to cry, enough saying a pleasant hello when I really just want to kick their ass somewhere up between their ears, enough switching roles -from sister to daughter to employee to student to flirt to friend and back again. And, well, enough is really enough.

Here is the place where I get to vent or dream or whatever; but be completely real, completely honest about it all. I think I lost sight of that somewhere along the way.

Today, I am feeling like I've lost sight of a lot of things.

Maybe it's because last night, I was told straight up that my sister is using Meth again and it raised a lot of questions. Like why I had to pay our cell phone bill and my mom had to make her car payment - where is that money going? Like $350.00 worth of money. And why would people make things like that up? Leah told me a lot of things and I don't really credit truth to a whole lot of what she says and she herself is a pathological liar. But there were other people who said things - people who have no reason to lie, no problems with constantly lying, and no hidden agenda that is known. So I had to sit down with my parents last night and tell them everything that was said because when there are red flags going up involving a Meth Addict - it's not something to be ignored.

And yes, my sister IS a Meth Addict. Even if she never touches the stuff again for the rest of her life - she will always be an addict. She will always have to fight the urge to use it, she will always have cravings - especially in times of high stress or when others around her are "partaking." It will be a constant struggle to stay clean for the rest of her life. My parents are recovering drug addicts of twenty years and they say that some days, it's still a real battle. My mom tells me that crank was her drug of choice and just hearing the word makes her mouth water. My dad's drug of choice was pot and he'll straight up tell you to this day that he still loves it. He doesn't use - they've grown too much in every aspect of their life - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. to risk having it all snatched away for three hours of floating. But that doesn't mean that the desire and the temptation ever truly goes away.

When Ashley is tweaking, I hate the person she becomes. I hate the lying, the stealing, the heartbreak that etches itself onto my mom's face. I hate the judgment from other people, the stereotype she falls into, the worry that she'll become another statistic. I hate the lost, lonely, blank look that is in her eyes when she's sober for a day or two or three. I hate the unfocused, nervous, guilty, shifty look that is in her eyes when she is high. I hate constantly looking for red flags, terrified we won't see something we should have, and that she will slip away because we're not paying attention. I hate that I can't change a damn thing and that it makes me feel helpless, which in turn, brings on frustration. I hate that she knows what she's doing to herself, to her family, to the people that love her - but it's not enough. And I hate that I'm selfish enough to even think about how I feel trapped here because I can't leave when she's lost and hurting like that.

But most of all - I hate that meth is a lying, stealing, drug. It lies to it's victims and pulls them in deeper and deeper until reality is a thing of the past. It steals their hopes, their dreams, their joy, their ability to take pleasure in anything - big or small - except the next high. It steals their quality of life, their ability to even have a quality life. And the biggest bitch of it all is that even when someone truly wants help. Truly wants to get out of that lifestyle and away from the drug - the drug itself makes it almost impossible to reach out.

I remember one day I was so frustrated and angry with my sister because of the using. I was venting to my dad... I don't even remember what all I said, I was just going off about everything; especially her lying to me and destroying trust. He looked me right in the eye and said that a meth addict can have a red pen in their hand, they'll know that it is red, they'll know you know it is red and they will open your mouth to tell you that, but it will come out as "the pen is BLUE" and they'll do/say everything they can to try to convince you of that.

This last year and a half of Ashley being clean and sober, we've had many talks about it. And she has told all of us that she couldn't hold a grudge anymore for us "not knowing" that she was on drugs because there were countless nights she would come home and one or all of us would ask her straight up, "you tweakin?! are you high?!" and she would want to say, "YES! HELP ME!" so badly... but all that would come out is "no!"

So how do you deal with something like that? How do you keep from letting the anger build because of the lies and the fact that she's throwing everything she was raised to believe, back in my parent's faces. How do you keep from feeling disgust at her behavior - the lying, the missing money from your wallet that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she took; but won't admit to. How do you stay focused on absolute, complete, love for her and show that to her no matter what she does? How do you draw lines and stick to them no matter what - even when she's crying and down and out? How do you give her a hand up, not a hand out? How do you make it clear what is and isn't acceptable, but still make it okay for them to come to you when they're in trouble or in need of help?

There is nothing "cut and dried" or "easy" about being a drug addict - or being a drug addict's family member. And yet, people are so quick to criticize, to judge, to turn their backs. They don't realize that by turning their back, they've just cut off a source that she can turn to instead of turning to the drug. There were a lot of mean things said about my sister last night; that she's a liar, she's a thief, she's this and that. Mostly, I was absorping what I had been told about her using again and I didn't say a whole lot except to ask questions and have things clarified. But today...

Today I am seeing things in a different light. Today I am seeing that if she's really NOT using and there are acceptable, reasonable, explanations for everything that has shot up a red flag - then by constantly accusing her of being back on the shit... we're not having faith in her. We're not supporting her or believing in her. And that has to cut at her and make her feel like, "well, I've got this huge temptation and desire to do it... why the hell shouldn't I when my family doesn't believe that I'm staying clean anyway?!"

I don't want her in that mind frame.

I also visited with the majority of the people that were downstairs last night, telling me this stuff about my sister. And I told them that everyone has lied before, most have stolen something - even if it was something small, like a lighter. Everyone has their mistakes and their skeletons in the closet. So who is anyone to sit there and judge? I said that yes, my sister has problems. And that no, I 110% disagree with what she's doing and how she's going about dealing with things. But that I also understand because I may not have walked an entire mile in her shoes as I haven't lost a baby or what I believed with all my heart to be that "once in a lifetime love." Ashley and Pete were going to get married right after she graduated - it was not a big secret. And she lost a lot, in a very short period of time, at a very young age. I don't know adults that can cope with losing all of that in three short months. In any case, I may not have lost all of that, but I lost a brother too so I can understand some of what she is going through. I asked them if they could say that they've even gone a quarter of a mile in her shoes.

I can't remember, verbatim, everything that I said but the bottom line was very clear:

I don't want anyone judging my sister because of her mistakes - everyone has fucked up at one time or another in their life. You don't know what she's gone through or what she's going through now and it's wrong to judge and turn your back on her when she needs you the most. I'm not making excuses for her behavior as I do not agree with it at all, but maybe all of you should look at the overall picture instead of zeroing in on her screw-ups right now.

No one said much but the looks on their faces said, "message received, loud and clear!"

I don't know if they'll start to be her friend again or what. But at the very least, the judging and shit-talking needs to stop.

After talking with my parents last night, they sat down with her this morning and had a long talk. My mom wouldn't go into details with me over the phone - just said that everything was good and she would talk to me tonight.

To top it all off, Thomas, our "other" brother called and told us what was going on with him lately. He lost his job and his apartment - he's living with friends right now. But he was arrested for felony theft - he stole a lot of money from Pizza Hut because he felt that he had to. I'm not sure why exactly... but I know he's got a heavy, heavy, heart. He feels like he's let his family down, his friends, his fiancee, and God. He's disappointed in himself and sickened by his own behavior. He's deeply ashamed. I can't imagine what all he's going through, but he's having a really rough time and it's breaking my heart for him. My parents are sending him some money and I'll be western unioning some cash to him when it opens tomorrow. I just wish there was something else I could do to help him. You don't turn your back on people just because they mess up - whether it's big or small. He knew what he did was wrong and now he's paying the price for it. Taking responsibility and owning up to your actions - especially having to do it in front of your family, friends, fiancee, and church. Well, that is consequence enough without having to rub his nose in it.

Anyway... those are the two things that happened last night which made it a really shitty night. Today I'm just kind of "blah" and I will probably end up posting again when I get my thoughts orientated and straight again. For now, I'm going to focus on trying to do some actual work.