A Collection of Things

Okay, so even though I whizzed through my MA stuff and I can start looking for a job along those lines, I'm still really nervous about my CNA state test. I won't know until possibly tomorrow. And dammit, patience has never been one of MY virtues and I wanna know NOW. But then again... I kind of don't. I figure, hey, if I failed... what's a week or two before they have to smack me in the head with that disturbing news?

Anyway, I'm also waiting on the school to send me the enrollment form and crap to start on my Psychology Associates Degree.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Damn. I better start learning some patience, eh?

My little sister has her first grown-up interview today. She's worked at the cafe for going on 3 years but has decided that enough is enough. She truly hates that place. Uhm, I know of one, maybe two people that actually do love their jobs there. Mostly because of the crappy and rather psychotic management aka TweakerBoss. In any case, she has an interview at one of our local banks. Then she's meeting with an Army Reserve guy. And she's all the way moved back home - something we're all thankful for.

Our relationship has a lot of ups and downs. I don't know how to tell her that maybe if she grew up a little, starting being responsible and mature... then I could relax around her and not constantly be worrying about which mess I have to clean up now. I feel like I have to over-compensate for her irresponsible behavior and "set an example."

It's not really working though. I think she sees me as more of a stick-in-the-mud-prude and that bothers me. I wish I could relax around her and not feel like I have to keep my guard up. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "GEEZ! YOU IRRITATE ME JUST BY BEING AROUND ME!!!!!!" And then at my hurt, confused look, she throws her arms around me, gives me a hug, and adds, "BUT YOU'RE MY SISTER AND I LOVE YOU ANYWAY!!"

Well, I love you too, little sister - love has nothing to do with whether or not we respect each other though. I think you can be flaky, shallow, immature, irresponsible, and mostly - it pisses me off that everything and everyone else is more important than your family. You show it in a dozen different ways, every day. You remember the last time mom and dad went down to FC and you and I had a movie night planned for the end of the week? Yeah, I went and spent like forty bucks on movies, popcorn, sodas, etc. and then you called and cancelled on me, saying that you were, "tired and didn't feel good." I heard later all about how Chad ended up coming over and staying with you. So what you really meant was, "I just don't want to hang out with you, so I'm going to use a lame excuse as a cop-out and pray you don't find out."

I am hoping that with her moving home, she and I can get to know each other again. I can put aside the crap like what's written above - that's only one time, one example. I am hoping that you get this job with the bank and it helps push you into another level of personal growth and maturity. I am hoping it enables you save some money and get the heck out of dodge. Experience something different and open up your mind to what's out there. There's more to life then our little podunk town, sissy. Where time doesn't seem to matter to the majority of folks. Summer days pass sleepily into the fall. Then after autumn waves goodbye in all of her glorious splendor, winter is upon us and people are content to sit around their fires, engage in winter sports, and pass those months however they can. Most women end up giving birth in spring or summer so I'm sure you can think of how most of them spend their winter months.

I just want you to get a taste of the world and let your hurting heart heal. I cannot imagine what you must think/feel on a daily basis. I know a lot of your drinking/getting stoned is part of you not wanting to feel anything. Too much loss, too much grief, and all at once. Perhaps if you go out and start seeing the beauty that is in the world and start carving your own way; you will stop focusing on old wounds and that will give them time to heal.

But until you, or I, or both, go... I hope we can use this time to have our eyes opened as to who we are as women. You're just starting your journey and I'm deep into my own. Maybe living across the hall from one another, without outside influences, is what is going to enable us to push back that hazy curtain that keeps us both from seeing fact. I do love you with all of my heart. Now it's time for me to respect you again, to TRUST you again.

All I can do is pray. And wish that I knew how to tell you all of this.

Instead, you are off to your interview - your first adult one - and I am crossing my fingers for you. And you'll never know that wherever you go, you carry a big piece of my heart with you. You're my baby sister and that says it all.

So I'm off to pick up my paycheck and start paying bills (oh what fun!). Then I'm going to come home and chill in my "power loungers."

It has been go, go, go, go for weeks now. And I am just wiped out... there's a big red flag screaming at me to take some time for myself. So a pedicure, a couple of movies, and maybe a nap are in my future for today! :)

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Tuesday!