"Okay, Whatever..."

"Okay... whatever..." is exactly how I feel today. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and be cheerful and pleasant. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it too, outwardly. But on the inside, I feel really... hurt. And I'm not even sure why! It's not like I expect a huge "to-do" thing over finishing my Medical Assistant degree up. Hell, I don't even expect a cookie. I guess I just wasn't expecting everyone to act like they don't really care.

My mom squeezed my hand when I came out and announced that I was DONE! And she told me she was proud of me and gave me a big smile. My dad said, "cool." *pause* "So what happens now?" I explained that I finished paying off my tuition, then they send me my diploma, but in the interm, they'll write me a letter of recommendation and send me my transcript. He nodded his head, then they both went back to watching The Amazing Race that my mom had just gotten in the mail (she'd ordered season 7). I sat down and started "watching" it too, but on the inside I could feel that "slumped shoulder" kind of feeling. You know... the one where it feels like someone is slowly letting the air out of your balloon? Yeah. That.

So the evening wore on and it was my dad, mom, Little Shadow, and I all hanging out. My mom whips out her digital camera and starts taking pictures of Little Shadow hugging Uncle Levi. Then she started on me and I kept telling her to knock it off, that I didn't like my picture being taken. I was getting pretty irritated over it and then my dad had to keep pushing my buttons by asking me repeatedly why I didn't like my picture taken. Ugh, even thinking about it now, I'm feeling irritated all over again.

The night before last we all went out to dinner for my mom's birthday. There was a group of us and I was visiting with my sister who was sitting next to me. My dad was sitting right across from the two of us. Ashley and I got to talking about our cell phone bill that is due and I made some comment about how, "life sucks when you're constantly poor!" She laughed and agreed because, uhm, hello! We're both young and working at jobs that we hate so we can someday live our dream. My dad got pissed though and was all, "excuse me? What did you just say?" So I repeated it and he told my sister that I just preferred to be cynical and bitter.

That really hurt my feelings, but I didn't say anything. It was my mom's birthday and I wasn't about to ruin it for her.

So then last night happens and I finally said, "you know what, dad? You have really been getting on my nerves the last couple of days because of the comments you keep making toward me! They're just mean!"

He just sighed and said, "I wasn't aware that asking you why you didn't like your picture being taken was mean."

I sat down and explained to him why I felt the way that I did, including his comments from last night.

He went off on a tangent about how I have been getting on his nerves over the last couple of weeks because he's really been watching me and I have a very bitter, negative, angry attitude. He told me I was going to end up just like my grandpa if I didn't make some changes (i.e. bitter, angry, hating life, feeling like the world owes him something and never paid up, very, very poor health. Basically pathetic and miserable) but that the "good" thing was that he didn't have to be around it if he didn't choose to be and that point would come if I didn't make these changes.

I am not about to sit here and say that I don't have days where I am feeling cynical, jaded, angry, hurt, confused, etc. and it makes my attitude pretty crappy. Which is why these are also the days I tend to withdraw inside myself, not say a whole lot, and try to avoid people because I know that no matter what they say, I won't have something nice to say back.

But OVERALL I'm that way? I don't think so. I really don't see that at all. And since when is he around me enough to be making judgment calls like that? He is gone by 5:30am Monday thru Friday and I am at work by the time he gets home. He is then in bed by the time I return home. We see each other in passing and occassionally spend some time together, although it isn't one-on-one because, well, who has time for that?

My dad can be one of the wisest, most understanding, supportive, wonderful, great listener, kind of father. There are times where I feel like I can tell him anything and there is nothing he wouldn't do to help any of us out.

Then there are days where he can just be a non-thinking, cold, arrogant, rude, SOB.

February of last year I was in a SEVERE depression. And about three days away from being admitted into the hospital for a coma that can result of extreme hypothyroidism. My thyroid had gone haywire and I had stopped taking my medicine due to the depression and some other factors that, in hindsight, were really stupid. I had turned down the internship with the international evangelist and was working at Pizza Hut as the Assistant Manager. I hated my life. And I withdrew from everyone and everything. If I wasn't at work, then I was upstairs in my room, sleeping.

A year later, I can see where his frustration, anger, concern, etc. was originating from. But some of the things he said when he finally confronted me really hurt. He made sure to point out that I had not done anything with my life in the three years since I had graduated. That I was flaky. And that I needed to get some direction.

I consider the three years directly after high school as some of the best times of my life. There were some really good things that happened and some really baddddddd things that happened. But I was able to take joy from the good and learn from the bad and it forced me to grow up. I also stepped outside of myself and my comfort zone and travelled around a bit. I had a taste of life. So for him to say that, it really cut deep.

I've never forgotten it or the look on his face when he said it.

Well, now I've gotten some direction and "done" something with my life by getting my Medical Assistant degree and making solid plans to continue my education. His reaction, while not really surprising, was nevertheless disappointing. My dad has always been a man of few words. I don't know why I still feel let down when he doesn't say a whole lot over our accomplishments and what-not. You'd think I would have learned by now.

I just feel really torn. Because on one hand, I know that my dad is one of the best men on this planet. He has honor, integrity, principles, a deep love for his family, and a deep pride in his family, even if he doesn't say it much. On the other hand, I know he is constantly raising the bar for us - while he does it out of love to make us reach our potential, it still makes us feel like we're never quite good enough. He is a perfectionist and an ex-Navy man; not an easy combination to live with. We butt heads sometimes - not nearly as often as my mom and I, but when he and I do, it's usually a lot more serious than the crap that my mom and I squabble about.

Either way though, words count. They have the power to destroy or to mend people.

And tonight, I'm feeling a little rough for the wear emotionally.

I was talking to Paul tonight - the head cook at the cafe. He's been a good friend and on top of being the only person I know who has a more perverted since of humor than moi, he's a great listener too. We're the only ones working today - everyone else is either at home or at the "Christmas Party" at the condo TweakerBoss rented. I unloaded on him everything, from my stress/frustration over my sister to the crap with my dad and money stresses and wanting to get out of this town and blah, blah, blah.

He listened and then very thoughtfully said, "You know... you really just need to blow up."

I had to laugh. But he was serious - he said I "keep too much on the inside."

Apparently, he's never read my journal... haha.

Am I really a negative, bitter, angry, unhappy person? I know I have my days... but don't we all? Or is this something more? Is there something to what my dad was saying?

I'm feeling... confused. And empty now that I've written this entry.

I'm sure I'll bounce back soon enough, but for now, I'm just going to go to back to work. And thank God that by the time I get home at 10:00pm, my dad will be in bed so I don't have to deal with him. I don't have the words for a conversation yet... who knows if I ever will?